Faux Hawk Faux Pas
It was a normal day in Softener City and Zaire was on his way to get a haircut. He stopped at a barber shop named Brush 'n Comb. As he walked in, he saw the building was practically empty, save for a few employees.
"Hey, Tyson!" Zaire greeted, waving at a tall, middle-aged man who was dusting a seat.
"Greetings, Zaire," the man greeted back with a smile. "How's family?"
After a few minutes of conversation, Zaire hopped onto the barber seat.
"I'm just here for a trim, that's all," he requested.
Tyson nodded, then motioned for a young man to step over to the seat.
"Zaire, this is my grandson, Miles," he explained. "He's new here, and he's going to take my place for a few hours. I hope you don't mind."
Zaire froze and looked confused. "Sure, but what's the problem?" Zaire asked.
"As it turns out, I can't stand longer than 15 minutes at a time or my legs will give out. I spent 13 minutes cleaning that seat, so I really should take a rest," Tyson chuckled.
As Tyson walked off to the back room, Miles stood behind Zaire, holding some clippers.
"Don't worry, unless an earthquake shows up, you'll be fine," he reassured.
Minutes passed and Miles was almost finished with Zaire's hair, when suddenly...
"MILES!" A young boy yelled, bursting through the doors of the shop, startling everyone including Miles. In an swift impulse, he swiped his clippers into Zaire's hair, slicing part of his faux hawk off.
"Uh oh..." Miles gulped.
"What..? What..?" Zaire asked.
Hesitantly, Miles picked up the splice of hair he accidentally shaved off and showed Zaire.
"Is that..?" Zaire asked, freezing.
The young child hopped towards Zaire and Miles.
"Wow, that's a weird haircut," the boy stated flatly. "What did you do to this guy?"
Miles grumbled and pushed the kid in front of Zaire.
"Zaire, this is my cousin, Damien," he grumbled. "I nicknamed him 'An Earthquake' because of how destructive he is."
"Speak for yourself! At least I'm not responsible for wrecking this guy's haircut!" he snorted.
"I beg our pardon?" Zaire questioned, looking confused.
Damien grabbed a mirror and showed Zaire his new hairdo. Realizing the chunk of hair was indeed his, he screamed loud enough to make the dogs on the block howl.
Tyson ran out of the back room, worried. As soon as he noticed Damien, a look of relief replaced his worried posture.
"Oh, an earthquake hit the shop..." he sighed.
He walked up to Damien and handed him a lollipop before checking on Zaire.
"Oh my... That's quite a predicament..." he muttered, putting a hand over his mouth.
"What can I do?! I can't go out in public like this!" Zaire squeaked angrily.
Tyson thought for a moment, then came to a solution.
"Here's what I'll do. I'll waive the fee for this... 'trim'... and the next one, in case you ever come back. And second..."
He walked over to the hat rack, grabbed a black bowler and passed it over to Zaire. "You might need this for some time..." he offered.
A while later, he was back at home with the other siblings wearing the hat. The others gave him weird looks, as they know he doesn't like wearing hats.
"Dude, are you okay?" Porter asked.
Zaire fidgeted for a minute before speaking. "Uh, yeah, just a wardrobe malfunction."
Nobody was convinced. "You weren't wearing the hat when you left, where'd you get it from?" Lily inquired.
"Just what did you do while you were out?" Bro added.
"I-I went to the barber..." Zaire stammered.
"And..?"
"And... Well..."
Zaire slowly pulled off the hat and showed everyone his sliding hair iceberg. Everyone stared in silence, then burst out laughing after a moment. Even Bro, who hated smiling, couldn't help but crack one at his brother's expense.
"Just a wardrobe malfunction?" Bro questioned.
"Who did your hair, the weed whacker?" Porter snickered.
"Faux hawk? More like 'No Hawk!'" Lily cackled.
"Okay, that's enough," Amelia chimed in, putting a hand on Zaire's shoulder and stifling her laughter. "Look, as funny as it looks, we understand you got a bad haircut."
"Yeah! Although we might make some jokes at your expense, it doesn't mean we love you any less," Lily added.
"For instance, I make jokes at Lily's expense, and she constantly steals my wallet to get back at me. Doesn't mean I don't love her any less," Bro agreed. "Point is, bad days happen to everyone at some point, all we can do is embrace them and hope for a better tomorrow." he added.
Zaire smiled. "Yeah, bad days don't happen to just me! All you can do is take them on one at a time! I won't let a silly haircut embarrass me!" he chortled.
Just then, the doorbell rang.
"Hey, Mary's at the door," Porter announced as he looked through the peephole.
"WHAT?!" Zaire screamed. He retreated back into his room, covering his hair with the bowler hat. The other siblings looked at each other in confusion.
"Whatever happened to not letting a silly haircut embarrass you?" Lily called.
"Hey, to be fair, his situation is pretty hairy," Porter replied with a shrug.
Whimsical's Defense
Early in the morning, Bro was taking a walk around the subdivision.
When he got back to the house, he noticed the mailbox had something in it. Upon taking a look inside, it was a envelope lined with gold threads and a wax stamp of a music note.
Assuming the letter was very important, Bro grabbed the letter and headed inside.
The other siblings were also up, eating breakfast and watching TV.
"This is what you kids find entertaining?" Zaire asked, staring at the screen, dumbstruck. "I swear, shows from the 90s weren't this deadpan!"
"Dude, it's just a yogurt commercial," Lily sighed, shaking her head.
"Still."
"Guys, we got a gift from Boss Clef!" Bro announced.
"Ooh, what is it?" Amelia asked, looking over.
"Let's see.."
Bro opened the envelope, and inside was a note along with a DVD inside. The note read:
"Thank you again for stopping Punk Rocket and recovering the Crescendo Cannon. I realized prior to the events that happened, other than explain the history of the cannon and how it functions, I didn't go into full detail with its firepower.
Enclosed is a DVD that shows footage of the Crescendo Cannon's other functions. You do not have to watch it if you wish, but if you want to see other aspects of the weapon, I'd advise doing so. The DVD footage is a bit old, but the contents inside are fairly relevant.
Sincerely, Clefford Bossino"
"You know, during the fight against Punk Rocket, we only saw two kinds of ways the cannon can fire," Bro mentioned. "I'd be lying if I said I wasn't curious about the rest."
"I think you only want to see it just so you can say the DVD player isn't completely useless," Zaire joked.
"Well, that's also true..." Bro admitted. "But you were there too, so I know you're curious too."
"Yeah, we saw the fireball thing and the laser. What, is there a flamethrower in there or something..?" Porter agreed.
"What are we waiting for, then? Let's check it out!" Lily chimed.
Bro put the disc in the DVD player while Amelia changed the input to the TV. A card appeared onscreen which read, "Crescendo Cannon Firepower Testing".
Mayor Clef was standing behind what seemed to be a base of some sort.
"Greetings, viewer. If you are watching this, it means you've managed to save Whimsical and/or recover a very powerful, very dangerous weapon called the Crescendo Cannon. My gratitude is beyond limits for your aid," he stated.
"Sir," A voice called from behind the camera, "this camera doesn't have a lot of storage. Let's just show off the cannon and get out of here."
Clef cleared his throat. "Right, sorry. Anyway, the Crescendo Cannon was used as a last line of defense during the Cacophonic Conflict in 1966. It was built by a lone engineer who was rejected from fighting in the war, and our gratitude cannot be measured for his contributions," he explained. He then walked out of frame and walked back in after a few seconds, carrying the Crescendo Cannon on his shoulder.
"The cannon has five ways of firing: Laser, Clusterflame, Minipelt, Arcshot, and Tremor. I will go through how each setting works, then demonstrate on the field," he continued.
He took a breath and pointed at the large range behind him.
"This is Area 3.4, a facility dedicated to creating defense-based weaponry. The Whimsicians are a fairly peaceful race, but considering that this thing was made, it's safe to say not everyone shares the same desire of peace... Without further ado, let's get to the firepower showcase."
The camera cut to a gray brick wall in the range. Clef was turning a dial on the cannon.
"The first setting is called 'Arcshot', and it functions like any regular cannon," he stated. "Although it doesn't have a fuse, it still fires with the power and speed of a cannon. Allow me to demonstrate."
He then pointed the cannon toward the wall, took aim, and fired. The force was enough to sweep him off his feet and knock him into the camera. The camera fell on the ground, landing upright. Clef and another man looked down at the camera, confusion on their faces.
"Is the camera okay?" Clef whispered.
"Yeah, I think so. I don't see any dents or anything," the other man whispered back.
"Alright, let's fix this and move to the next mode," Clef sighed.
The camera cut again to another brick wall, showing Clef readjusting the dial.
"This next setting is called 'Clusterflame'. It launches a fireball capable of burning through wood and melting several layers of steel."
In haste, Mayor Clef shot a fireball at the wall, only causing it to splatter.
"Sir? Suppose the object doesn't burn or melt. What happens?" the cameraman asked.
"Well, you see," Clef began explaining, "the materials in the fireball have special properties that only react after a very short period of time. So if the object the fireball hits doesn't burn or melt, the chemical reaction in the fireball causes it to explo-"
In that very moment, the wall blew up, sending shrapnel and stone everywhere.
"What's the name of the nut who built this thing?!" the cameraman shouted.
The camera's video skipped abruptly, cutting to yet another brick wall and Clef standing in front, turning the dial again.
"This setting is the 'Laser'. You probably know how lasers work, so I'll just get to the point." he said.
He aimed the cannon at the wall and fired. A big, bright laser pierced through the wall and exploded, sending more stone fragments everywhere. The camera shook a bit from the startled cameraman.
"I think we got through that one relatively unharmed, so let's move on," Clef suggested.
The scene changed from out of the testing range to inside of the base. This time, Clef was standing in front of several glass windows.
"The next setting I'll demonstrate is called 'Minipelt'. It functions in the same manner as a minigun, firing a number of rounds in less than a minute," he stated. "Though, a big difference between the Crescendo Cannon and a normal minigun is that the rounds will explode with the cannon. Case in point..."
He unloaded several rounds of bullets into the glass behind him. As he turned around to face the camera to speak, the rounds exploded in the glass, sending shards everywhere. Clef and the cameraman took cover behind a nearby corridor.
"I don't think my ears can take much more noise..." The cameraman muttered.
"Don't worry, Jerry. Just one more setting and you can go home," Clef sighed.
The camera cut for the last time, displaying a vase, a traffic cone, and a stool with an apple on it, all lined up in a row.
"There. Now there's no way we'll be harmed if anything explodes now," Clef muttered, out of frame.
"Let's just get this over with..." Jerry sighed.
Clef got back into frame and adjusted the dial on the cannon one more time.
"This last setting is called the 'Tremor'. It does not launch any physical objects, but instead releases a destructive shockwave on the ground. The impact is very sudden and its effects are very noticeable."
He pointed the cannon in front of the objects, and the last thing he shouted before firing was, "Brace yourself!"
The cannon fired, sending Clef into the air. The force was enough to also knock back Jerry as well as create a cloud of dust.
When the dust finally settled, the two saw the cone, stool, and vase evenly split in two. Even the apple on the stool was cut to its core.
"As you can see, the Tremor setting is not something to be used lightly," Clef explained, slowly getting up. "Although it was tested on these three objects to demonstrate the damage, it can create truly devastating effects in its wake."
"Which is why we did this in a stable and strong facility," Jerry added, walking into frame.
Without warning, the wall and ceiling shifted and split in two, leaving a building-sized crack in the structure.
"At least we haven't had an invasion in years, right..?" Jerry chuckled nervously, in an attempt to avoid eating his words.
Clef turned to face the camera and looked confused.
"Jerry?" he asked.
"Sir?"
"I don't think the camera is meant to be in two like that, look at it. It looks like it's still working, though."
"Wait, if the camera is split now, how is it still recor-"
The video ended right there.
The siblings stared at the static on the screen, completely lost.
"Erm, I'm going to make a phone call..." Bro stated, slowly shuffling out of the room and taking out his phone.
"Do you even know his number?" Amelia asked, following him.
Porter walked off to the bathroom wordlessly, probably to clear his mind.
By now, Lily and Zaire were the only ones still in front of the TV.
"What... Did we just watch?" Lily questioned.
"Whatever it was, it was way more entertaining than cartoons!" Zaire laughed.