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Hiraeth: East Zobel

🇵🇭the_sleeping_panda
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Synopsis
I gazed upon the ethereal face looking back at me. The clear water that reflects it catches my attention and I realize how such purity completes the picturesque view I'm basking my eyes in. For more than a fracture of a second, I felt envy run through my veins. Oh, to have a seemingly-perfect life. I tapped on the reflected tattoo, water dancing in ripples under my touch. "Hiraeth," I muttered. almost inaudible, drowned by nature's very own whispers. Tattoos don't need to have meaning. Some just have them because it just feels right. In my case, I guess both conventions apply. Hiraeth. a Welsh word that holds different meanings. It can mean homesickness of a home you can never return to, or never was. It may also mean nostalgia, an earnest longing or desire, or a sense of regret. I had this inked on me for a reason. Maybe it was the first as I've always longed for a place where I can feel safe, where I can draw strength. My querencia. It could be the second. Memories have never left me since it flooded not only my mind but also my heart. What I had wasn't perfect. But it was definitely more than enough. But I've also yearned for something. Perhaps recognition? Attention? Appreciation? Love? The last one... possibly. For the sole reason that I regret meeting you. I regret being drawn by your eyes and your heart. I regret a lot of things in my life but the one I truthfully feel a wave of remorse for... was loving you. I saw the reflection of a bitter smile that formed on my lips. Perhaps it was all of those reasons. Lies. Betrayals. Pain. Excruciating pain. Death. It all leads back to you. For a moment, I stupidly and blindly assumed you were my haven. Turns out, you were gonna unleash the hell I didn't expect. One word holds thousands of memories. One word describes the infinite emptiness in me. One word.... Hiraeth
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Chapter 1 - Chapter 1

"Excuse me." I impatiently tapped my black Louboutin stilettoes against the floor whilst glaring at them. Unfortunately, I stepped on this damned archipelago on the wrong foot. Pun intended.

I can't exactly sashay my way to the limousine that's obviously waiting for me because of these two indecent imbeciles smooching right in front of my perfectly-sculpted face.

Kainis! At talagang sa harapan ko pa naglandian ang dalawa! Ni hindi man lang nagpapatinag sa mga reklamo ng nasa likod nila! What the hell!

Such a fucking eyesore.

I'm so done with this. I rolled my perfect eyes heavenwards and smirked as I rudely walked between them, making them break apart. And yes, I hit the guy with my Himalayan Birkin bag from Hermés.

"Pig," I muttered. Ang bababoy nila, nasa public place sila tapos-ew. They make me shudder in utter disgust.

"Miss! Hindi ka man lang ba marunong mag-excuse me or mag-sorry? Ang lagkit oh!" Bulyaw nung walang hiya.

Did I forget to mention nalagyan ko ng ice cream ang mukha nung manwhore? Sayang yung ice cream. Napatid ko kasi siya nang daanan ko sila kaya nakalayo siya ng onti sakin.

Tumigil lang ako sa paglalakad and slowly, I looked back and stared at the two of them coldly. I turned my body to face the both of them and arched a brow.

Nakita kong natigilan 'yung lalaki. Well, well, well. Scaredy-cat. Takot pala sakin, sinigaw-sigawan pa ako.

"Am I supposed to care?" Bored kong tanong. They were both tongue-tied as they marveled at my beauty. Oh please. "Why? You want all of it?" I didn't wait for him to reply and dumped it on his head immediately. "There. That's a hundred-dollar ice cream by the way, but it's okay. Donation ko na 'yan sa 'yo."

"Bastos!" Mas lalong umarko 'yung kilay ko because of that screeching sound coming out of the mouth of his pathetic excuse of a girlfriend. "Ano bang ginawa niya sa'yo?!" My eyes traveled to her.

"Do you see that queue behind you?" I looked at the continuous flow of people going out behind them kaya napatingin sila dun. "You caused a traffic jam with your annoying and indecent PDA, and I simply fixed it. And for the record," I took a step forward and hovered over the girl's height, even though I was only three inches taller than her since I'm wearing heels, "I've been saying excuse me for the past twenty minutes but you were so preoccupied with your disgusting smooch session."

Nag-hair flip ako and I purposely hit their faces with it. Tch. Hindi worth it 'yung 1000-dollar hair ko pero eh, the damage has been done.

Why am I even involved with such low-class people? Oh right, punishment. Hindi nila pinagamit 'yung private plane ko sa 'kin. Argh!

"Bitter!" I just shook my head with a bitter smile. Ano ngayon kung bitter ako? Pake niyo? Hindi naman lahat ng tao in love tulad niyo, mga gago. Tss.

The sweet scent of human-induced carbon monoxide from the cars entered my respiratory the moment I stepped out of the door.

Ugh. This is what they call a development regarding pollution problems? It sucks! Nothing pretty much changed except for lesser cars! I wonder when this country will finally have a clean environment.

It's already hot enough due to the fact that we're by the equator yet they still didn't solve this pollution problem.

How disappointing.

Whatever those politicians are focusing on right now is such a thinker.

Hell, they can't even think of making a bike lane for students to avoid traffic like the ones in Japan.

I'm not saying we should follow whatever Japan does, my point is that they should follow their example.

Find a freaking solution to the problem at hand.

Tsk. Whatever. It's not my problem anymore. I'll be leaving as soon as I-never mind. Thinking about it just makes me more upset than I already am.

"Excuse me." I waved my hand in front of him. "I'm Ember Astoria Alexandra Zobel." Tinitigan ako nung driver.

Tsk. Yung totoo, gusto ba nitong ipaglandakan sa mundo na driver siya?

Pano ba naman kasi, 'yung suot niya yung long sleeves na parang suit pero pang-driver 'yung itsura tapos may sumbrero pa siya.

Ang init-init dito sa Pilipinas tapos ganun 'yung attire niya. Hindi ba siya naiinitan?

Teka ano bang pake ko? Tss. Edi magsuot siya ng ganyan.

"Welcome to the Philippines, Ms. Zobel." He said monotonously, almost as if like a robot.

"Thank you." I just gave him a tight smile. I'm the type of person who's formal to everyone.

Wala akong pake kung mas mataas o mas mababa ang estado mo sa buhay kesa sakin basta kakausapin kita nang ganyan. Tatlo o apat na tao lang ata ang exception sa principle ko na 'yan. Or maybe five... hmm..

"Ma'am." That snapped me out of my reverie. I followed him towards the car that my parents obviously told him to bring.

I boarded the car after mumbling a subtle thanks for opening the door for me.

I was planning on savoring the so-called fresh air because I was excited about the thought of the country's development regarding the environmental problem, more specifically the air pollution but since I've been proven wrong once again, I wouldn't dare roll down the windows.

Ang init talaga. Kahit naka-three na 'yung aircon ng sasakyan, mainit pa rin. Ibang klase rin talaga ang Pilipinas.

Kaya nga hindi ko alam kung anong i-e-expect ko ngayong nagbalik na ako eh. I got used to my nightlife in America. Oo, ilang beses na akong nag-car drifting, drag racing, vandalism, at kung ano ano pang kalokohan bukod sa pagba-bar. Like hell I would.

But proving everyone wrong has been a habit of mine, and I don't think it's a good one. And by everyone I mean even myself.

Diring-diri ako noon sa mga ganung klaseng lugar dahil tambayan 'yun namin nung college and I didn't want to reminisce while drinking pero nung gabing 'yun...tss.

Uuwi na sana ako noon matapos ang limang araw na pag-a-island hopping, without the knowledge of my parents, might I add, eh kaso may pumasok sa kokote ko na tumulak sakin na pumasok dun at maglaklak ng alak.

But I'm not remorseful. Like hell I would be. Tss. Ang saya kaya. Maliban lang sa hangover na halos biyakin na 'yung ulo ko sa sobrang sakit.

Thank goodness it was Holy week at hindi ako kinailangan sa trabaho. Anong klaseng Marketing Director ba ang magpapakabaliw nang isang linggo.

Minutes passed by and I'm already inside the elevator, going to my penthouse on the top floor.

"Good Morning Young Mistress." She smiled at me politely.

"Good morning." I tried my best to sound just as enthusiastic but eh, pagod ako. Lie. Actually hindi ako masiyahing tao at normal na 'to sakin.

She stepped aside to let me in. "Here are the keys for the three cars that your parents ordered, and the penthouse."

"Thanks."

"Shall I show you around?"

I waved my hand dismissively. "It's alright, I can manage. I'll be able to find the rooms on my own."

She bowed down and went out. Finally!

Beast mode talaga ako sa naglalandian kanina sa airport. I was just keeping it in. They were so nakakairita talaga! Gusto ko ngang pahanapin 'yung pinagt-trabahuan nila at isesante sila eh! Lalo na 'yung girl! My god!

"Bitter."

Bitter mo mukha mong gaga ka! Gawin kong ampalaya 'yang mukha mo eh! Argh. Pag makita ko talaga sila ulit. Nako.

Binagsak ko 'yung sarili ko sa kama. Sinubukan kong matulog, tutal busog naman ako, pero wala talaga. Hindi ako mapakali na ewan.

The jet lag struggle is real. Ugh.

Bumangon ako at nagbihis into a burnt orange tight dress. Kinuha ko ang susi ng kung anong sasakyan sa may hook.

Wala akong yaya dahil nga, tinodo ko na ang pagiging independent.

Magsha-shopping nalang ako. I don't usually go shopping in stores because I buy them at fashion shows or showcases during fashion week but what am I supposed to do? Hindi pa naman Manila fashion week and since I arrived without a notice, I don't really have invitations.

Ugh. Wala pa naman 'yung favorite designers ko dito like Judith Leiber, Prabal Gurung, Viktor & Rolf, or even Alice and Olivia! Omg. How will I live?

Walang kwenta 'tong black card ko kung gagamitin ko 'to sa hindi ko naman gaano ka-gusto. I mean, I can like it but iba pa rin kapag favorite ko eh. Oh well, maybe it's time to explore my horizon.

I sighed. At saang mall naman ako pupunta? Wala namang maganda dito eh.

I veered the steering wheel to the right. Sa Greenbelt na nga lang. They have Albert Andrada, Barba, Azucar, Anne Klein, Hermés, and thankfully, even Carolina Herrera. The list could go on there and Glorietta's probably where my schoolmates from before shop and I honestly have no energy to socialize with them now.

Nilibot ko 'yung tingin ko sa store. There are so many eye-candies here but I really want to behave and not spend much here. I mean I already spent at least 1/4 of a million but that's barely a scratch of our wealth.

Minsan nag-guilty talaga ako because I take our money for granted at kahit na pinagtrabahuan ko naman 'to by slowly climbing up the positions in our company the last five years, I still feel guilty. My parents barely lift a finger and I know na pinaghirapan 'to ng mga employees sa kumpanya namin. Sila ang tunay na naghihirap.

I'm guilty of living a lavish life with the money generated from the exploitation of the working class. That's why I do my best to ensure their rights are not violated.

Wait until I sit on top, I'll make sure to pay back these hard-working employees. It's really heartbreaking to have such hierarchy in society. But it's what holds our society together. Though that doesn't mean we must discriminate and not provide the less privileged of opportunities they deserve.

"Omg. Isn't that Alexa Zobel?"

"Yung schoolmate natin nung high school?"

"Oo! 'Yung bitch-turned-good na girlfriend ni-"

Nagpintig 'yung tenga ko nang marinig ko ang pangalang iyon.

Sino ba 'tong mga hudas na 'to at pinag-uusapan nila ako?! Argh. And here I thought people from my school over-glorified Glorietta and decided to just stay there forever.

Nilingon ko sila pero pagka-ikot ko, wala na sila. Baka naman namali lang ako ng rinig?

Umiling ako saka binayaran na lahat ng dapat bayaran with my black card na walang limit. Napataas nga ang kilay ng girl sakin. Syempre hindi ako nagpatalo, tinaasan ko rin siya ng kilay. She's probably new in this industry and hasn't met other shopaholics.

"Do you have any problem?" Mataray kong tanong at mabilis naman itong umiling bilang sagot.

"W-wala po."

"Sigurado ka? Kasi kung meron, hindi ko nalang ipu-purchase 'yan."

"A-ah! Wala po talaga. Napahanga lang po ako kasi ang dami niyo pong binili."

Inirapan ko siya. Mabilis kong kinuha lahat ng paper bags at lumabas na dun. It's called stress shopping! Wait, I think jet-lag shopping is more accurate. But still! Pake niya ba kung marami akong binili?

Grrr.

Great. Gutom na naman ako. Teka, anong oras na ba? I checked my limited edition watch and everything became clear to me. Kaya naman pala. Tanghali na.

Pumasok ako sa isang restau and I care not to mention its name.

"Yes ma'am, what can I do for you?"

"You can prepare me food obviously, I mean you don't serve clothes here, do you?"

He flushed in embarrassment. "N-no ma'am."

Why am I such a shitty person?

"Get me your best dish." Tumango siya at kumaripas ng takbo.

Napatingin ako sa labas. Kung minamalas ka nga naman. Agad kong tinakpan ang mukha ko gamit ang buhok ko.

Schoolmates ko sila noon, for sure bibigyan na naman nila ako ng invitation for the reunion. Ayoko nga! I'm pretty much aware that I'm a bitch and people don't like me. Makikipag-plastikan lang ako sa mga tao dun.

And I don't like the feeling of putting up a face.

Nilagpasan nila ako, thank God. Umayos na ako ng upo at hinintay 'yung order ko.

Ugh. Maybe it was a bad idea to come out of the house. I don't wanna ruin the surprise.

I raised my hand to call the waiter's attention. "Yes ma'am?"

"Take out nalang 'yung order ko." Tumango siya at umalis na sa harapan ko.

My phone rang the moment I stepped inside my room. What great timing. I collapsed on my bed and answered the call lazily.

"Hey." I greeted tiredly, my eyes fluttering close out of drowsiness.

"Owemji! East!" I cringed at the name. It's been years since I last heard someone call me that. Even my friends stopped calling me by that name so why is she? Who the fuck-"Are you really in the Philippines?! East! Answer me." She demanded.

Biglang kumirot 'yung puso ko. Parang pinipiga 'yun na animo'y sponge na pinuno ng tubig at sa tuwing naririnig ko 'yun, pinipiga 'yun until it's completely twisted.

"Who's this?" I didn't mean to sound bitchy but it came out naturally. Tangina.

"Awww. Nakalimutan mo na ako? Porket nag-America ng ilang taon eh! Hmmph! Si Kiara 'to."

Biglang naglaho lahat ng inis ko sa katawan. Kaya naman pala!

"Kiara!" Napabangon ako bigla. Na-miss ko 'tong bruhang 'to.

I heard her laugh on the other line. "So nasa Pilipinas ka na ba talaga?"

"Girl, what do you think? Philippine number 'tong tinatawagan mo, malamang nasa Pilipinas na ako."

"So the rumors are true!" She laughed. "You bitch. Ang tagal mong nawala, hindi ka pa rin nagbabago."

"As if naman ganun kadali magbago." Pairap kong sabi kahit hindi niya naman ako nakikita. "Besides, I love myself too much to change. Why would I change?"

"Oo na. Ikaw na mahal ang sarili." Natatawa pa rin nitong tugon. She seems happy. "Anyway, kita naman tayo! We miss you so freaking much!"

"Are you.... sure?"

"Of course! Tinatanong pa ba 'yan?!"

I'm not so sure about this. Parang...ugh. Nagi-guilty ako na ewan.

"P-pwede bang tayong tatlo lang muna? W-wag muna 'yung buong barkada."

Sandaling natahimik 'yung kabilang linya. "Of course!"

"S-sige. Where? When?"

"Kakarating mo palang so get some rest and I'll call later, K? Maje-jet lag ka lang. Mamayang gabi nalang para mas masaya. We'll have a girls' night out!" She seems excited.

"Okay, sounds cool to me."

"This is gonna be awesome! Okay, I'll make reservations na. Bye! Matulog ka ah?"

"Wait, wait, wait!"

"Ano?"

"Saang lupalop mo naman nakuha yong number ko?"

"Secreeeet! Hahaha!"

"Kiara!!"

And suddenly, she ended the call. Gaya nga ng inutos ng magaling kong best friend, natulog ako kahit na curious pa rin ako kung saan o kanino niya nakuha ang number ko. I don't remember entrusting anyone with it.

"East!" An earthquake is happening.

My vision became blurry so I closed my eyes, hoping that everything would stop. When I opened them again, I was in a room.

At bumungad sa mukha ko ang mukha ni Kiara na nakangiti. What an unusual sight.

"W-what happened?" I asked, sitting up straight and leaning on the headboard while massaging my temple.

"Shouldn't I be the one asking that?" I saw Lisa enter the room. Obviously, she just had a phone call considering her confused face and phone on her hand.

I shrugged at Kiara. She just saw me in that state and she was smiling. She's really weird.

"What happened?" Tanong ni Lisa nung nasa tabi ko na siya. Oo, tumabi siya sakin sa kama. Kapal diba? Porket kaibigan ko eh. Tsk. Don't get me wrong, siguro hindi lang ako sanay na may sumasampa sa kama ko bukod sakin. Limang taon din naman akong puro si Third at Weis lang ang nakakausap nang matino.

"Well, I was about to wake her up when all of a sudden, tears started to stream down her face."

"Did I say anything between my sobs?" Itatanong na sana 'yun ni Lisa pero inunahan ko siya.

"Wala naman. Basta naabutan nalang kitang umiiyak. Did you have a bad dream?"

Umiling ako. Pinagtaasan nila ako ng kilay pero hindi ko na 'yun inintindi at iniba ang usapan.

"Diba may girls' night out tayo?" Tumayo ako. "Let's go!"

Tumayo na din si Lisa at pinantay ang tingin sakin. "After what we witnessed?" She crossed her arms over her chest. "No. We're going to stay here and listen to whatever happened."

"Wag nga kayong KJ!" I whined.

"East," She called sternly. "Limang taon naming hindi alam ang nangyayari sa'yo. Baka na-trauma ka o ano, hindi mo lang sinasabi samin."

I smiled at her sincerity. Kahit natamaan ako ng guilt, kasalanan ko naman 'yun. Though I did quite get pissed. I'm that petty. But no, hindi ko sisirain ang gabing 'to. I'm gonna let this one slide.

"Wala nga lang 'yun. Si Xena nasan ba? Diba sabi niyo kasama natin 'yun?"

And as if on cue.... "Right here!" Bigla siyang tumakbo papunta sakin at niyakap ako.

"Ate Eaaaaaaaast! Na-miss kita!" I rolled my eyes. Hindi naman halata.

"Y-you're....Ch-choking me—ack!"

"Oops." Bumungisngis siya. "Sorry." Nag-peace sign pa 'yung gaga.

"Xena, mahiya ka nga!" Saway ni Lisa at narinig ko naman ang patuloy na pagbungisngis ni Xena.

Pumasok na ako sa walk-in closet ko at nagpalit ng damit. I don't wear slutty nor revealing clothes. Well, at least not at times na hindi ko feel. Wala ako sa mood ngayon eh. Naka-halter top lang ako at denim shorts.

"What're you wearing?" They eyed me from head to toe.

"We're going on a night out, aren't we?"

"My friend, you've been adventurous way too long. Sa Osiris lang tayo." Natatawang sabi ni Kiara.

My shoulders fell in disappointment. Ang boring! And here I thought we were gonna go skiing or sky diving or any sporty shit. That's my idea of a night out eh.

"Wait, you've been to Haven haven't you?" I nodded nonchalantly and mumbled, "Countless." at Xena's question which she replied with a, "Then why wear that?"

"Malay ko bang dun ang punta natin." And then something hit me. "Hoy Lalisa, pinapayagan mo nang mag-bar si Xena?!"

Hulaan niyo kung anong sagot sakin ni Lisa? Isang malamig na titig. Ang galing noh! Parang hindi niya nakababatang kapatid si Xena. Si Xena kasi, hyper. Si Lisa naman, emotionless.

"Ate naman, isang taon lang ang agwat niyo sakin noh!" Reklamo ni Xena.

"Kahit na!"

"Osiris is a bar for the elites. Wala namang siarulo dun. Just some teenage rebels who want to stain their family image."

That reminds me so much of him. Despite all the achievements he had, kagaya ko, hindi siya binibigyan ng oras ng mga magulang niya. We were lonely souls. I remember sneaking out countless times just to see him in this bar. Grabe, ganun ako kabaliw sakanya noon.

I shook those thoughts away. "So? That doesn't make it less dangerous though."

"Stop stalling, East, and just go." Frustrated na sabi ni Kiara.

Pumasok ulit ako sa walk-in closet. Wala talaga akong maisip kaya lumabas ulit ako.

"Are you kidding me?" You can already imagine the look that they're giving.

"Let's just go skydiving." I tried.

"At night?" They deadpanned simultaneously.

"It'll be more fun!" I insisted.

"Bar na. Sa susunod na 'yan East."

Ilang taon na ang lumipas pero ang boring pa rin talaga nila. I sighed.

"We're going to change." They pushed me inside the closet and I thought they were gonna go out but no, the bitches changed inside it while still continuing to persuade me.

I chose to wear a vintage silk scarf with high-waist jeans. Yes, a scarf. Ginawa ko nalang siyang damit.

"Guys..." I trailed off.

"Zip it. I know you're gonna whine." Lisa said sternly. "Shut up."

She held my shoulders and dragged me out of the penthouse. Si Kiara na rin 'yung dala ng bag ko.

"We need to assign someone who's gonna be sober," I stated when we were in the middle of the highway.

"I volunteer." Napatingin ako kay Lisa. Ako sana 'yun eh! "May meeting ako bukas sa isang importanteng investor."

Tumango nalang ako. Speaking of meeting....ugh! Buti nalang at napilit kong ipaaga ang pagbalik ko. Plano kasi nila mommy na pagkatapak na pagkatapak ko sa lupa ng Pilipinas, diretso torture kaagad.

But me, being the sly person I am, I beat them to it. Muahaha!

Natahimik na naman 'yung paligid. Note the sarcasm. Kung ano anong pinag-usapan namin. Though I can sense that they're somehow aloof towards me because, I left them without a preamble.

But it's okay. Naintindihan ko. I'm petty but I'm not impulsive. I think?

Ewan ko ba kung sinusubukan ako nitong mga kaibigan ko o ano. Kasalanan ko rin naman kung why we somehow grew apart.

_~*~_

"Is this your definition of having fun?" Galit na sabi ni Lisa habang ako, patuloy lang tumutungga ng tequila.

Nahihilo na ako, gusto kong sumuka pero dinadaan ko nalang sa inom ang lahat.

Aish! Lisa kasi eh! Kinaladkad ako paalis sa dance floor! Ang KJ niya talaga!

"W-wag ka ngang *huk!* KJ!"

"KJ KJ ka diyan! Ilang beses ka nang napaaway dahil halos lahat ng lalaking nababangga mo, nilalandi mo, bruha ka! Kailan ka pa natuto niyan, huh?!"

I heard the loud thud I made. "Eyoooow!" Natumba ako. Lecheng mga paa.

"East!" Frustrated na sigaw ni Lisa. Gaga. Nag-volunteer pa kasing maging sober. Dapat ako 'yun eh!

"Kashalanan ko bang taken sila? Ha? Kashalanan ko?!" Tinuro ko 'yung sarili ko as I slurred my words. "Ang bilish nilang magpatali eh! Mga gago! Sinasayang lang nila buhay nila. Wala namang forever!" I giggled and sat up straight on the floor.

"Cheers to that!" I lazily clanked my glass with Kiara and Xena.

Napa-tss nalang si Lisa kaya tinignan ko siya. "Porket may James ka na eh."

Bigla niya akong binatukan. "Wag mo ngang isali sa usapan ang asawa ko!"

I didn't even get to attend her wedding. Damn.

I flinched in disgust. "Buti pa kayo..." I sneered but ended up sighing in... regret? envy? Perhaps.

"What's this?" I felt Kiara trace my tattoo. Hindi ko siya nasagot. It kinda felt uncomfortable too since it was on my side boob.

Hindi ko alam kung epekto 'yun ng alak o sadyang natahimik lang talaga silang tatlo.

"East.... may nangyari ba bukod sa paghihiwalay niyo?"

Then I passed out.