I woke up to nothing but dirt, tumble weeds, and the road in front of us. I looked in the rear view mirror and saw the same thing along with the sunset peaking over the horizon. I glanced at my watch. How long had I been sleep? The last thing I remember is bringing out the sandwiches I made for the trip, because Johnny kept complaining that he was hungry. After we ate, and after Dad almost hit a coyote, I had dozed off.
It was 7:32, meaning I had been sleep for three hours now. Johnny had fell asleep too. I had looked up how long the trip would take and it said it would be ten hours and thirty minutes. A ten hour road drive, wow. The seat belt buckle had already started jabbing me in the hip the moment we hit the road. The door wasn't the most comfortable place to doze off on, and Johnny had been adding more weight on to the bag that was already squishing me. My point is that I barely could handle the last three hours, so I have zero idea how I'll survive the next seven.
"Oh! You're awake!" Dad exclaimed. I flinched at the sudden interruption of silence.
I avoided eye contact with him, "Yeah, this road is a little bumpy. I couldn't really stay asleep." I glanced over and gave him a soft smile. These past eight months have only been full of fake smiles. I think the only time we've genuinely smiled is when Johnathon smiles. His grin that's missing two teeth is contagious.
It went silent for the next couple of minutes, but it felt like forever. It was awkward. Nothing to say even though there was so much I wanted to talk to him about. I did my best to keep my eyes on the nothingness outside of my window.
"Look...I know that this is a big change and all. We've spent all our life at that house and it played an important roll in the history of our family-"
"So why did you make us leave?" Crap. By the time I realized I had spoken it was too late. I had said it. I had said what I've been wanting to since the day he told me to pack our stuff. It's the first time I've questioned him.
His lips tightened into a thin line and he let out a deep breath through is nose. After taking a few seconds to gather his words he began to speak, "I really want us to have a fresh start. Your mother is....gone- not gone from our hearts of course. I loved, and still love, Ella very very much. My high school sweetheart, the mother of my two amazing children," he paused for a second and I could see tears forming in his eyes. He turned and blinked them away, "I physically can't be in that house. You have to understand, bunny. I know that you loved it there. I know you did, but if I want to stick around long enough to be here for you and Johnny I needed a break. That's all. I just need a break. Is that too much to ask?"
He looked at me and for the first time in forever I saw more emotion in his eyes than I've ever seen. And this time I didn't break eye contact with him. I understood and suddenly my thoughts on having an outburst about leaving made me feel guilty. I felt selfish.
"No it's not too much to ask. I understand. I think a break would be great for all of us anyways. Johnny came back from the field with bruises on his legs and arms the other day," I began to deepen the conversation," He said that he had fell down the hill, but I know well that it was those kids from down the street again. I'm tired of him being pushed around." I expressed my worries for Johnathon as I ran my fingers through is messy hair.
"Those damn kids. I had told their parents about it some months ago before...Your mother, and the parents took extreme offense. Saying that their kids would never do such a thing to a "poor disabled boy" and I had showed them the black eye Johnny had gotten." Dad shook his head in disappointment. "People need to take responsibility for their kids. And your mother and I had tried our best to take action on our part too. No matter how much we told Johnny to stay away from those kids and stay only in our field he still makes such an effort to become their friend."
I had shifted to face my father now. This is the most we've spoken in one conversation in the past three months. Three months ago being us having a conversation on switching to a cheaper tutoring option for Johnny to save money. Then being like now where I had a short outburst, but last time being about dad quitting his job.
"I think that he will have a fresh new start there. Maybe even meet some more kids like him." Dad and I smiled and he nodded agreeing with me.
"It's also a chance for you too. I know that the neighborhood was just as rude to you when you were younger as they are to Johnny now. I want you to have a fresh start which is why I'm enrolling you into a public high school."
My smile faded and I gave him a blank stare. Once he realized my unenthusiastic response his smile soon faded as well.
"What do you mean public high school? Like..with people and classrooms and desks and p e o p l e ?" I think I'm suffocating. There's not enough room in this truck. I rolled down the window and took a deep breath.
Dad gave me a worried look, "Yeah, what's so wrong about that? I'm sorry I should've talked to you about it first, but I thought that you would want to actually make friends from once! Come on, if Johnny gets a fresh start so should you! I'm getting one too. I'm getting a new job. Don't wanna drain up all that money my parents left for us!" He gave a forced and nervous laugh. I think he was trying to make a joke. Was that supposed to be funny?
I didn't want to stress him out anymore than he already was. I took a few more deep breaths and turned back to him, "It wasn't really my plan, but Dad if you feel like this is the right thing for me I'll do it. What's so wrong with making some new friends? I'm sure I'll be fine!" Lies. Oh the lies I told. Be fine? I'm going to be dog food out there! Eaten up alive for sure. Sure I could handle Becky from down the street and her few friends taunting me and pointing, but an entire school!?
I looked at myself in the rear view mirror. My attempt to tie my long hair up was starting to fail as it began to slip out the hair tie. My eyes dark as usual. The bags under my eyes have gotten worse lately and my cheeks looked hollow. I think I'd be beautiful like my mother was if I just had her glow. I had all her features, but my physique was just missing...life. Even in her casket she had more life than I ever had. Sometimes I imagined myself in the casket instead. Sometimes I think the grim reaper made a mistake and meant to kill me in that car crash instead of her.
I rolled the window back up and closed my eyes hoping to doze back off to sleep.