You always regret the aftermath
It's been a year, Graduating na ako, and soon I'll be in college. Everything will change and I'm excited for what the future has in store for me. Excited pa ako pumasok ngayon dahil first day na naman at 12th Grade na ako namiss ko din buong summer yung mga friends ko. I have a busy year ahead of me kaya naman naka focus ako ngayon sa pagiging honor student at sa Research na kailangan namin ayusin para sa graduation, I even went and volunteer para maging leader ng research which the 10th Grade Elle won't even bother since she only want fun.
Iba na nagyon, I should focus to achieve my goals in life. Last year nakatanggap ako ng medal sa recognition day and I promised my mom na sa graduation ay meron din ako.
Did things changed? A lot of things did, but some stayed the same. Erin is okay now I think After Nathan and her broke up she decided to focus on herself more which I also did after Riley, and Erin is doing great moving on. I'm happy for her. While I focus on myself and my friends, Gale had a hard time maintaining good friends last year buti nalang naging maayos na siya this year. We still go out for breakfast everyday minsan nakikisabay si Riley pero madalas ay kami lang nila Matthew.
Oh yeah right, Riley and I talk now? or maybe it's just me medyo kinakausap ko na siya, treating him like a friend. But he's still awkward around me, I moved on I guess naisip ko pa nung new year I greeted him ang sabi niya sakin itatry niya maging civil manlang sakin, I laughed at how awkward that talk was. Tulad ngayon we are eating breakfast bago pumasok at kadarating lang ni Riley inaya namin siya ni Gale sa table namin tahimik lang kaming kumakain nagrereview din kasi ako at dahil apat kami si Riley ang katabi ko hindi naman ako naiinis dahil busy ako sa pagrereview itong si Riley ang hindi mapakali.
Dumating din kasi itong si Joy kasama yung ex boyfriend niya na binalikan niya after siya Iwan ni Riley. What a dick head. Magbabago pa kaya itong gago na to.
I may not be mad at him anymore pero real talk he needs to change before entering a new relationship again. I'm just really wondering siya ba talaga ang nang iwan para kasing siya pa yung naskatan saming dalawa? He's making me think like that lalo na sa pag trato niya sakin hindi manlang niya ako matignan ng maayos.
I remembered Gale's Birthday he was there last year, naabutan niyang magkakatabi kami nila Gabe, Xiara at James natutulog Milan was fine about it maliit lang ang kwarto ang walo kaming nagbabalak matulog tumabi nalang sakin si Gabe I didn't really noticed Riley hanggang sa nakita ko nalang siyang lumabas ng kwarto pagkatapos niya kami titigan ng ilang minuto. Nagtataka man ay hindi ko nalang ito pinansin.
After that he barely goes in birthday parties alam kong hindi siya mahilig sa ganun pero mga kaibigan naman namin yung nag bibirthday, iniiwasan niya siguro talaga ako. That's the only thing bugging me at this point nagagawa na nga kaming asarin ng iba pero natatawa nalang ako pero siya itong umiiwas.
"Elle why don't you try and Date again?" tanong nila Angel sakin, they would always ask me that. My answer would always be this "I don't think ready na ako, isa pa nakakatakot lang na maulit pa yung nangyare samin ni Riley".
"Hindi naman lahat ng lalaki si Riley, just try I heard Kurt from other section really likes you" umiling lang ako, Kurt is a bad student kilala na siya bilang ganun I wouldn't want another head ache at busy pa ako sa research namin. "I don't like his vibes Angel, he won't be good for me" I told her. "Sayang naman."
I promised myself na pag may dumating I will think about it hard before accepting it again, I built all these walls na sinira lang ni Riley now hat I built them again I won't let just anyone break it again. But things went fast, Nathan told me Riley wants to talk to me, it is Erin's Debut now.
"Kamusta?" I asked him lumabas kami para makapag usap ng maayos I've been drinking pero hindi naman mababa ang alcohol tolerance ko kaya okay lang.
I was about to grab another glass of vodka ng hablitin iyon ni Riley and drank it instead, nagulat pa ako marunong na siyang uminom ngayon, sabagay he had a new set of friends malamang natuto siya uminom doon.
"You drink now?" I asked him nakatulala lang itong tumango. "Ang sabi ko kamusta?" I asked hm again, "I'm fine, Elle" he said almost a whisper.
"Ano naman ang paguusapan natin?" I looked up at the stars, this night is cold and the party is still going on.
"Us, about us" sabi niya habang nakatingin din sa langit madilim na pala talaga. I didn't expect this talk at all.
"What is there to talk about wala namang tayo" I Told him. Totoo naman diba we are already done and it's almost two years now.
"I've been thinking, sobrang tagal kong iniisip na kung nilaban ko kaya yung feelings natin okay kaya tayo ngayon?" I smiled.
"Pero di mo naman ginawa, what's done is done" sabi ko.
"I'm regretting it so much Elle, we used to talk everyday about everything and now I-I'm missing all of it. All of you" he whispered.
"I miss you so much" he told me while I grab a glass of cocktail beside us. I looked at him scanning his face he looked so broken right now, pero hindi ko makapa sa sarili ko masaktan dahil lang nasasaktan siya.
"It's all in the past Riley, tapos na nagawa mo na at wala na tayong magagawa sa nararamdaman mo ngayon. Maybe at first I did, wished for all of this your pain and your regrets. Gusto ko din na maranasan mong masaktan na hindi lang dapat ako pero ikaw yung nang iwan Riley, and now I'm okay saka ka aamin ng ganito sakin" I told him, napayuko nalang siya maybe stopping his tears na nakita kong namumuo na sa mga mata niya.
"I love you Elle" I drank the glass in one shot and turned my back on him.
"I don't think that's my problem anymore. Nagawa kitang patawarin, sana patawarin mo rin ang sarili mo" I walked away.