Hey, dear diary!
I know it's been a few days, but I haven't had much time to write. I've been working on college papers, I'll tell you.
Do you remember Lena, Ricardo's girlfriend?
Well... I'll tell you what happened at that time in my life.
If I remember correctly, one day Lena came up to Ricardo and me while we were talking in the school yard and... we talked. In fact... it wasn't bad like I thought it would be, it was quite the opposite, it was nice. I don't know if she was nice at the time because I was Ricardo's friend or because she just didn't want to be rude in front of her boyfriend.
To sum up the story with Lena, she and I had more in common than I thought.
Lena had brown hair, she was white, a little taller than me, she had a strong look at that time, I know those that scare you but at the same time attract you, her look was penetrating, she could pierce your soul in different ways; she was not athletic but, she had a good body, she was beautiful.
I want to emphasize that, Lena was one of the most popular girls, many wanted to be with her, and Ricardo was not exactly the prettiest or the coolest in school, but he had a lot in common with Lena, so that's why they were together.
Continuing with what I was telling you, Lena and I got along well, I won't lie, she was one of those girls that when you become friends with her, you can't stop being friends even if you want to.
I remember very well that one day they offered me to go with them after school, at that time we had to go together until we reached the bus stop so that each of us could get on the one that was taking us home, so... I accepted.
A curious fact here is that, when Lena's group invited you to go with them, it was always to have company, to belong to the popular group, to earn the respect and envy of many.
And it was at that moment that this story began.
I remember that many times I went with her and her group, it was crazy.
We would start running through the streets singing, we would go into the shopping malls to try on clothes, into the supermarkets to steal sweets without getting caught, or when they were about to do so we would run faster.
We were very crazy back then.
If I had to describe how I felt when I saw Lena for the first time, or how I felt when I saw her smile, also for the first time, I would say that... the world stopped, I didn't feel that there was anyone else around us; I couldn't take my eyes off her, it was as if a damned ray of sunshine illuminated her face, that face that for me, was carved by the very same angels.
He looked at me as if he was going to kill me, but at the same time he was curious about me, since he had never seen me; I felt at that moment how slowly his glance pierced my eyes and my heart with his dazzling beauty, I was lost in his eyes and I couldn't even do anything about it, I felt my blood, my body, boil. I blushed.
Continuing with what I was telling you; Lena would come to our salon, as was to be expected, we all thought she was going for Ricardo, but that was not exactly what she was doing; now, if she was going it was to look for me, which was great for me, because I felt that I had already gained a new friend.
Little by little, Lena and I started to get closer, she never left me out, I think she wanted people to know me and to know that I was with her.
This is where I have to make a little pause, to tell you that months after I started classes, a new student entered my classroom, his name is Joaquin.
Joaquín and I had a relationship that lasted a few months, we never kissed because I didn't want to, I was only with him to pretend that I liked someone... although I almost hit a girl who was flirting with him.
He had to make me respect him, don't you think?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, punching is not the answer, but she was asking for it.
Well... now, I'll pick up where I left off.
Lena became a very special person to me, not only because she was my friend, but because I fell in love with her... what I'll say is a bit of a cliché, but... I fell in love with my friend's girlfriend.
Wow, I really went through a lot at such a young age, don't you think?
If I had to describe Lena in one word, I'd say cold; because she was the most distant, cold, insensitive and mean person I knew, and yet... I liked her.
I loved her without even knowing that I did.
At that time I was still not very clear about what was happening to me, you know, I just knew that I wanted her always by my side, that she was the most special person I had next to me, that she made me happy.
At that age I wasn't supposed to know what love was, I mean, I just had a little crush on Sandra, but it was just that; but, Lena was different.
Lena was the reason I had a smile every day, she was the reason I went to school; others would tell you that they went for the classes, for the friends or, because they wanted to be someone in life, but, I can assure you that I only went for her.
Lena made me feel good about myself, that I was special, that I was worth a lot as a person, she looked at me and I felt like I was floating in the air.
She filled my days, my life, with love, and I didn't even know about it.
When I looked at her in the distance or was next to her I felt that no one else existed.
Lena was different.
It was her.
= New day =
¡Hey!
Where did I stay?
Ah, yes!
I remembered... the next thing that happened maybe you didn't expect it, but...
Ricardo and Lena broke up.
I think it was actually to be expected, I mean, they were both very jealous, they broke up and came back, but this time it was different, Lena didn't want to go back to him.
I think she was just tired of all the comings and goings, she loved him, but not the way he expected her to be, she didn't love him; if she was in love with him in the past, that was no longer the case.
At times I feel I won't be able to love someone, not the way I loved her...
Don't think that their ending didn't make me happy, because it did, but...still, I felt bad for my friend, he thought they would be together for a long time. Besides, I wasn't ready to accept what was happening to me either, as if to say that, maybe, just, maybe, I could tell him how I felt.
I was always sure that she had feelings for me, that she felt the same way I did, only unlike me, she was brave enough to accept it.
I must confess that it took five years for me to tell Lena how I felt about her... to be honest with her, with me, with my feelings; can you imagine being in love with the same person for five years and not having told her how you felt then?
I was never brave enough to accept what was happening to me with her, but, I think if I could go back in time, I wouldn't have told her either, because... it's thanks to everything that happens, that now I am who I am and I don't regret it.
The day I confessed everything to her, she reproached me for not having told her at the time, she told me that I had waited too long to do it, that not telling her at the time made her feel terrible, that she spent every day thinking about whether I felt the same, whether I loved her, she cried just thinking that what she felt was one-sided, she knew that I was worth it in spite of not knowing what I felt; but... What was I supposed to do, tell her how I felt, knowing that she was my friend's ex, tell my parents that I liked a girl, take a chance knowing that it wouldn't work out and that we would suffer?
That day when I finished talking to her I went to my room, I lay down on my bed and I cried, I cried as much as a newborn baby does, I banged on the wall until my hands bled, reproaching myself for all that I had lost, for not knowing everything that I loved her at that time, I cried until I fell asleep; the next day I had woken up with my eyes swollen
Many of these questions remained in the air, because, yes, I should have told her how I felt, maybe this would have worked, maybe not, but I would have told her, and so I would not have been left with the doubt for 5 years, of which I always wondered if she would have told me that she loved me.
In that call she did, she told me that she loved me intensely, that she had never felt that way again, even at that moment that she was in a relationship she didn't feel that great love. She cried.
"You were and will be the person I loved most in my life and with whom I could never have a relationship."
"Thank you because even though you didn't tell me how you felt, you proved it to me with acts, acts that no one has ever had with me, for defending me from people I even believed were my friends."
"You'll always have a part of my heart, you're a part of my..."
Those words were what broke me.
But, well... no more mourning for today.
= New day =
I'm here again! Did you miss me?
What am I doing asking you that if you're a newspaper. (hahaha)
Anyway...
Where did I stay?
I remembered!
Summer arrived and my parents thought of enrolling me in a club to train various sports such as swimming, basketball, and others.
It was in this place where I met many people, one of those people was Adriana; she was a beautiful girl, very outgoing, sociable, everyone loved her.
Adriana was one of the girls who was very provocative, in the girls' dressing rooms she always used to be in a bra for everyone to see, and I remember well that she liked to make me nervous.
That summer was great, I will not forget it, I lived many things, I made great friends, I had to change my house, because the one I lived in with my grandparents and uncles, was sold.
Since my aunt died of cancer, nobody else wanted to live there, I remember that the day she died, was the first time I saw my father cry ... was devastated, although the apartment we had in that house was own, was still under construction, and my dad did not have enough money to continue investing, so when we sold it would start again, you know, the classic 'start from scratch'.
So, when I was making my move, some friends from the club wanted to help, and they went after the taxi I was in with my mother and brothers, so they could help.
From that moment on, my mom was very fond of them.
That's how my summer ended and school started again.
=New day=
Hey, this writing to you every day is getting to be a habit.
So... I'll keep going.
When I entered third grade, I made friends with a new girl, her name is Janela, she became my best friend... until she decided to disappear, but I'll tell you that story later.
I also met Facundo, who became my best friend for many years, until his crush on me made me leave, that story I'll tell you later too.
If there's one thing I have to admit to you, Facundo did like me, but when I first met him, it didn't last long, since I got over it when I found out that he liked Janela.
As I was saying, Janela became my best friend, one of the reasons why she was, was because she had tastes like mine, she also liked girls.
I remember well that Janela liked a girl from our year, but that girl treated her badly, very badly, but she still liked her. Let's just say Janela was very masochistic back then.
Janela was my accomplice, she always supported me when I wanted to say something nice to Lena, or when I said that Lena looked at me a lot, because her living room was in front of ours.
That year in high school I felt jealous for the first time, I remember it was when Lena told me that she had already kissed a girl; I guess I couldn't handle it and I exploded.
This story was something of a movie, we were at the mall with Janela and Lena's best friend, that day we had left school early because there was going to be a parent meeting, so we decided to take a walk.
I remember when Lena told me about the kiss and, I just left. It was a whole movie scene, Lena went after me, as expected when the protagonist leaves upset and leaves the boyfriend talking to himself and then goes after his girl to try to explain everything, that's just how it happened to me, and of course, the others went after Lena after a while and reacted, they weren't going to be alone, were they? (hahaha)
When Lena caught up with me, she said:
- Don't bother, it was something that happened, I didn't even like it.
Are you serious?
- Yes, the only girl I want to kiss is...
+ Hey! Why did they leave like that? - said Janela
(My mind had gone for a moment and hearing those voices, it came back)
Oh? - I said disoriented.
+ Why did they leave?
(Lena looked at me with the intention of saying something and I quickly cut off whatever she was thinking)
It's just that I wanted to go to the bathroom and Lena offered to go with me...
+ Ah! Okay, we'll wait for you - said Janela.
Then we went to a bakery because Janela was craving a dessert and so was Lena.
We sent Janela and Lena's friend out to shop while we stayed outside to wait for them.
I lay down on the bench and Lena gently lifted my head and placed it on her legs as she began to stroke my hair and cheeks.
Lena moved her face dangerously close to mine.
That day I almost kissed her, I mean almost because it didn't happen, Janela appeared with the desserts and ruined the moment.
You have no idea how much I wanted to do it, but at that moment I was insecure and didn't dare do it in front of other people.
Did she want to kiss me?
Ha! It was obvious, I mean, who doesn't want to kiss the person they like?
That year, Lena confessed to me that she was bisexual. We were at a school event and when she told me, I turned red as a tomato, because I finally knew what I wanted to know so badly, but I didn't know how to handle what was happening at that moment.
Oh, hell...
I've never been able to handle what's happening to me, what I'm feeling...
Something that happened at that event was that, Gisel and his band had asked Lena and me to sing with them; the song was Accidentally in Love - Counting Crows.
I must pause to tell you that Gisel was in a band, they were good.
Kind of ironic about the song, isn't it?
Because part of the lyrics of the song, it says:
[...] so she said, what's the problem baby?
What's the problem? I don't know.
Well, maybe I'm in love
love
I think about it every moment
I think about it
I can't stop thinking about it
How much longer is this going to take to cure?
Cure it because I can't ignore it if it's love [...]
How was I supposed to sing that song in public? Mostly, knowing how I felt about Lena.
It was obvious that I had to sing because Gisel was my friend and I couldn't let her down, but I didn't want to, I was too nervous to do it.
Two days before that school event I approached Gisel and Lena and told them:
Girls...
- Hi, Fabi! How are you?
Not so good, I have to tell you something...
- What's up?
I don't think I can perform with you...
- Why not? - Gisel said
+ You had already promised - said Lena.
I know... but they make me very nervous, besides I don't sing well...
- It's okay, don't worry - said Gisel.
Lena only managed to look at me with disappointment.
Later Lena came up to me.
+ So you'll leave me singing alone
Not true, you'll be singing with Gisel...
+ You know it's not the same, I agreed to sing because there would be you.
+ And now I have to sing without you.
I'm sorry...
+ It's okay... I've been disappointed before.
I'm not going to lie to you, those words hurt me, but, the nerves I felt at the thought of performing at the event were too much.
The day of the event arrived.
I walked up to the girls and the band.
Good luck, girls!
- Thank you - said Gisel.
Lena didn't turn to see me.
- She's still upset - said Gisel.
I know... but I was hoping that by this day she would be over it.
- That's us women...
Hahaha, you're right.
Gisel was already preparing for his presentation, when...
Gisel!
(Gisel turns around)
- Tell me... I have to go help the band...
I know, I know, but I have a question.
- Make it quick.
Good.
Who sings my part?
- I'll sing it, it's the beginning, and Lena didn't want
Shall I sing it for you?
- Really?
Yes...
- Great, because I haven't fully learned it - (laughs)
Well... I'll go get ready
See you on stage.
That day I lost my nerve to go out in public.
Why did I do that?
It's kind of obvious, don't you think?
For love.
I won't forget the smile on Lena's face when she saw me go on stage to sing with them, it was a magical moment.
I took a chance that day, I went out of my comfort zone for her, my great love.
The band started playing the intro to the song and I finished getting ready and ran on stage.
The band was playing and nobody was singing, they stopped and I told Gisel that I was ready, so he told the audience:
- We were getting warm, now we're getting warm, so we came.
They started playing again and I made my big entrance as a rock star.
I stood on the stage with a microphone in my hand and started singing. I must say, I'm not a bad singer.
Lena looked at me in surprise and smiled at me. She was proud of me.
We had a great time, we had fun on stage.
After that I thought about singing again, but this time I asked Gisel and his band to help me.
I decided to surprise Lena and the whole school.
I sang Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne.
That song and that performance brought me to the top of my game.
It was sensational.
After that wonderful performance, Lena told me to go away together but alone, which I agreed to.
On the way to Lena's, we were talking.
- How did you dare to sing today?
I guess I didn't want to disappoint someone special... - I said as I watched her from the sidelines.
- I thought you'd leave me alone...
I couldn't do it...
- Don't ever leave me again...
I won't... - I said turning around to see her.
Our glances at that moment were so intense, that if there was anyone else around, he would have felt uncomfortable.
Lena came up to me and whispered:
"We have something pending..."
That phrase will stay with me forever.
I looked at it and...
It happened...
She kissed me.
That kiss took me to the moon and I was the first teenager to set foot there.
After she kissed me I started running around, jumping, I held her hand the whole time.
I took his face gently and told her:
"You're the best thing that ever happened to me."
Despite that kiss and that little moment we had, it never happened again, just as it happened without telling us how we felt.
=New day=
Hello...
Well...
I'll continue with my story.
Do you remember Ricardo? Well, he always thought I'd go back to Lena, thought she was looking for him so she could finally talk, fix things, but, she was coming for me and... I avoided her.
To be very honest with you, I don't know why I was doing that, I think part of me didn't know how to deal with my feelings, I was afraid of how my parents, my friends, my family would take it... I think I just wasn't ready for so much at that time, I was only 15, how is a girl at that age supposed to deal with so many things all of a sudden?
Just like that, that's how that year ended.
Shall I tell you a secret? Lena and I always had cheesy moments, like that time she told me she was leaving school and the district we lived in.
You want to know what I told her?
"No matter how far you go, I'll always come see you."
Okay... that was too corny, but that's the way it was with her, I tried to show her how little I could when I had the chance to do it, as long as no one saw or knew about it.
Lena always kept what happened to us a secret.
The day after I told her that, at the entrance to the school, she called me aside and gave me the best hug she could have gotten at the time.
To feel the hug of a person who is not affective, who is considered to be distant and does not express his feelings in any way, but still to receive the most sincere hug you have ever received, is the best feeling in the world.
Those, dear friend, were my memories of that year.
And without further ado, summer came again...
It was nothing out of the ordinary, I spent as usual, swimming pool, sun, friends and new adventures.
Before going to class, Lena and I were having a quiet conversation, while I was also chatting with Adriana, do you remember her, the girl from the club? Right.
To put it in context, my parents could only afford a computer, so it was on a desk in the living room.
Considering this, I was talking with Lena about Adriana, and that she obviously missed me, and as expected, Lena got jealous, I already knew that would happen, but what I didn't count on was that my mom would read that.
You may wonder what she read that made her so upset, and that is that Lena wrote to me:
"You're mine, no one else can have you, I don't like it, it bothers me that someone wants to have you.
You can imagine what happened next...
Yeah, it was a problem, a BIG one.
My mom wanted to let the school know what happened before she started classes, she wanted to make a big deal out of what she read, and if she didn't want that to happen, she had to give up that friendship she had with Lena.
That's how my school year started and it went to shit** in a second.
Oh, hell... I'm not supposed to write bad words? Never mind, let's just leave it the way I put it.
I'll tell you something else, don't get too attached to Lena, because like I told you in the beginning, she and I were never and never will be anything.
It's just another story of love and heartbreak.
One of the reasons I never told Lena in time how I felt about her was because of the friendship I had with Ricardo.
Can you imagine finding out that your ex is bisexual and that he's dating one of your great friends?
That doesn't make a true friend, even if you tell me that maybe Lena was the person for me, I wouldn't have done it. I respect the codes, even if someone may not have respected them with me. Nor will I tell you that this idea did not cross my mind, only that I felt I could not do that to my friend, to that person who treated me so well when I was "the new one".
Now I'll tell you how I managed to keep my mother quiet at school.
Yeah, you didn't expect that one, did you? But... Lena was very important to me, I wasn't going to let anything happen to her.
Like I said, she didn't say anything, so you can imagine what I had to do.
Lena was always important to me, I didn't want her reputation to be affected by a crazy mother like mine.
I pushed her aside.
With much pain I had to stop talking to her, it was such a sacrifice I made, that I went so far as to do some stupid things.
One of them?
Telling Ricardo that Lena was behind me (sentimentally), that I didn't like her and that I wanted her away. While I was telling him, a part of me was breaking.
I remember the day after I told Ricardo that, he came up to me and said:
- Don't worry about Lena anymore, I've taken care of it...
What did you do? - I asked curiously.
- Yesterday I looked for her on the way out and we kissed until it got late.
Ah... okay, I guess... - I said swallowing.
I'm not going to lie to you, it broke my heart into a thousand pieces, it broke my soul in a thousand and one ways you can imagine but what was I supposed to do, tell him he shouldn't have done it; no, it was too late.
That year I didn't have enough Janela to make up for the pain I was feeling, she had changed shifts in the morning.
That's how another school year went down the drain.
It was Lena's last year at school, so it would be the last year I would see her in the hallways.
Just as she started, she went into freefall with the arrival of a new kid, who was just entering the same year as Lena.
If I'm being very, very honest, that boy was horrible, I remember his name was Hansel.
And yet, he made Lena fall in love with him, leaving us in the past.
I just watched her walk down the aisles with him, even when she wanted to introduce me.
He and I just didn't get along.
If I was given a choice between Ricardo and Hansel, well, I wouldn't choose either, because they're not my type.
You know what? Right now I'm listening to Adele's One And Only, and I remember how I felt back then... I really felt like shit!
I also remember that when they started their relationship I stayed away from Lena for several years, that's how I told her how I felt, she rejected me as expected.
But, I was stubborn, and at the same time I talked to her again.
If you want to compare, yes, I was a masochist like Janela.
The years had passed and I was already at the academy, preparing to apply for college, when I received a message from Lena.
-Hey... I hope you don't mind, but, uh, Hansel's brother told him that at school they say you're bisexual, I don't know if that's true but I told him to stop talking about you because they don't know you.
- See, Hansel asked me to stop talking to you because he thinks you're in love with me...
Are you kidding me? I don't understand why they're talking about me when I'm already gone, that they're studying.
That was the only thing I told him, I didn't want to tell him any more, I didn't want to talk about it.
A few months passed and Lena wrote to ask me to meet her.
I accepted.
I know I left out some things, but everything in time; despite that, I will tell you that I have another best friend, in fact, several, one of them is Mar.
Well, Lena and I saw each other, that day was the day that broke my heart forever.
Mar was going on a trip and I wanted to say goodbye, so I told her to come with Lena and me for a walk because I couldn't think of what else to talk about with her.
Mar agreed.
That day Lena told me that she had lost her virginity to some guy.
At that moment I could hear my heart breaking inside.
Yeah, just like you read.
That day was one of the rainy days.
I ended up soaking wet, but without shedding a tear, because deep down I knew that would happen, I knew that we wouldn't have a future together, we wouldn't end up like in those romantic movies where the main characters end up together, no, that wasn't our story, nor was it our destiny.
And this is where my story ends with Lena, one of my great loves.
Thank you for teaching me what love is, that love is not selfish, that I can love intensely, but that I can also sacrifice a great love for what is right.
Thank you for being my first and GREAT love.
I hope someday to be able to love in the same way, as intensely as I loved you.
If you read this you would know how important you were to me, that I always noticed the looks you gave me, how your eyes shone when you talked to me, the smell of your perfume, how you laughed at all my jokes, that you paid attention to me when I talked to you, that there is no better way to show interest in someone than simply knowing how to listen, you gave me advice, you understood what was happening to me, and you knew that I could not express what I felt and that you still understood it.
You filled my soul, my heart, flooded my being with your name, and for that and many other things, I loved you.
We could dance in front of the mall without any shame, as long as the two of us were together.
We would look at each other in the distance in our classes, smiling at each other, waiting for the break to come so we could see each other and talk.
We liked to sing together, we felt that we were one, that our voices together sounded in perfect harmony, there was a connection when we did it.
Our long and intense talks in the early morning, we talked about our feelings and how much we loved each other as "friends".
Our little scenes of jealousy, when we held our hands tightly hoping that this moment would never end.
Our smiles, YOUR smile.
Making you happy made me happy.
Lena, Lena, Lena...
You will always have a place in my heart my dearest and most beloved Lena.