'Boy, that was quite the summer. Full of twists, turns, and intrigue.'
'Why must we tease the people with references to things they never will never see?'
For those of you who are somehow tuning into this story, on whatever chapter this is, Wade Wilson, better known as Deadpool, had been the Hogwarts Deputy Caretaker for the past four years. He had been hired by Argus Filch to have an assistant to make his work. Or rather, Dumbledore hired him because Wade had been the only person qualified for the job.
And by qualified, we mean insane enough to work at a school like Hogwarts, for less than minimum wage. Over the past years, Deadpool saw Filch try to steal Christmas, Luna Lovegood's cock beat off Lord Voldemort's snake, Voodoo Hillbillies, singing goblins, social justice crusaders, a gender fluid Dark Lord, just to name a few things.
'Boy people who randomly hopped in on this chapter are going to be confused.'
'Yeah, like people who read every chapter of this story are going to understand it anymore. Just smile and nod.'
Also, Wade died and got better. But, that was really a rite of passage in Wade's line of work. Wade could hardly wait to see what Hogwarts School of Magic and Mystery and Wonder would hold this year.
And it was time for the before school staff meeting. The entire gang was there. Filch, Snape, McGongall, Flitwick, Sprout, Hagrid, Trelawney, and the rest. Oh, and there was Wade. And most certainly, the man himself, Hogwarts eccentric and quirky Headmaster himself, Albus Dumbledore.
"Welcome to the Hogwarts Staff meeting for whatever year is Harry Potter's fifth year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry."
Dumbledore had been doing that since that night. This is Five Years before Harry Potter, Four Years before Harry Potter, on and on, for several years.
"Last year, the Triwizard Tournament had several unfortunate missteps," Dumbledore said. "First of all, Hagrid, I understand that there comes a time in a young man's life where he has certain feelings and urges he has to act upon, but the way to conducted yourself in the presence of the Beauxbatons Headmistress, is very appalling. I should insist you report to Human Resources."
"But, Headmaster, we don't have a Human Resources department."
"Severus…."
"No," Snape shortly said.
"Splendid," Dumbledore said. "Severus as our newly appointed head of Hogwarts Human Resources will be having several long and unpleasant conversations about your unprofessional behavior."
Hagrid hung his head in shame and Snape in dismay. The Headmaster still had not learned that no meant no. Thankfully, he had taken a vow of celibacy years ago, or that would get him in a whole mess of trouble.
"And last year was unfortunate, other than Harry Potter's smashing victory, where he exhibited feats of magical prowess which I have never seen before and I will likely never see again," Dumbledore said.
"And no one really saw those last two tasks," Flitwick pointed out in undertone.
"But, Rebecca Black turned out to be the Dark Lord Voldemort…."
Here, Voldemort perked up deep in the recesses of Deadpool's mind. Which he had been trapped for the past three months. And he knew far more about the Golden Girls than he cared ever cared to. But, he was stuck, so he better make the most of it.
"And then Ludo Bagman just a few weeks ago had been fished out of the Hogwarts lake, complete with cement boots," Dumbledore said. "Why he would decide on such an unfortunate fashion choice, I couldn't begin to guess. Every knows that you should never swim with cement boots. And wearing that cinderblock chain around his neck, while fashionable, obviously a bad choice as well."
Deadpool could have laughed at Dumbledore's blissful ignorance at the fact Ludo Bagman had taken out by goblin gangsters, and left at the bottom of the lake at Hogwarts.
"And our previous Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher went mad and is currently on an extremely long hiatus."
"And he turned out to be correct about everything, as loath as I am to say about it," Snape said. "Have you even bothered to speak for Moody?"
"Well, I'm sure he will be fine," Dumbledore said. "As I was saying, we have a new Hogwarts Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher, and considering I could not find anything, the Ministry has graciously provided me with a Ministry Certified Educational Expert."
"To be fair, those tests aren't that hard," Wade said. "They just cost ten galleons and a little more if you want to skip the actual testing portion and just get the shiny certificate. But they're so easy, that someone with a third year education could pass it."
Which did say a lot about the Ministry, to be fair.
"Regardless, I believe she will be here right about now."
Thunder, a flash of lightning, and all of the candles of Hogwarts blew out, before magically coming back on. When they came on, the Pepto Toad herself stood in all of her glory.
"Hello, everyone," Umbridge said. "My name is Dolores Umbridge, and it's so good for me to finally be back at Hogwarts. I mean, it's so good to see each and every one of you."
They all mumbled and Umbridge just frowned.
"Now, we are going to need team unity if we are going to go forward and shape the education of these children for years to come," Umbridge said. "I thought I would get a warmer welcome from my peers here at Hogwarts."
"Why don't you sit down and join us, Madam Umbridge?" Dumbledore asked. "Would you care for a cup of tea?"
"Delighted, Albus, simply delighted, my dear," Umbridge said.
'It would be so easy to switch the sugar out for rat poison and make it look like an accident,'' Voldemort said.
Deadpool had been used to Voldemort suggest he kill certain people by now. Hell, Dumbledore mandated at least three gruesome suggestions a day.
"Oh, the tea is quite lovely, you've done a good job Headmaster, you should be rewarded."
Okay, if it was not this particular woman, Wade would be almost amused by Umbridge treating Dumbledore like a Kindergartener who just managed to learn to color between the lines.
"The tea is good, but I'm afraid there have been a number of….problems with Hogwarts of the years," Umbridge said. "I think we should all shoulder the blame, as you have taken on way too much, my dear Dumbledore. That is why Cornelius has made the suggestion that you should be relieved of some of your responsibilities, for sake of your mental health. A man of your age should be thinking about retirement, not shaping politics and a school at the same time."
"Well, I do what I have to do to give back to the people who give me so much," Dumbledore said.
"Well, the Wizengamot thanks you for your service, but I believe there's an owl which is going to come...right about now."
Dumbledore got the message and he grew grave. Being voted out was one thing, but being told by owl and not through a face to face meeting, that was stinging.
"Over the past few years, there have been several unfortunate incidents. Namely, Gilderoy Lockhart's maiming and dismembering at the hands of these Voodoo Hillbillies, and then his noble and heroic sacrifice."
Umbridge sobbed, although Wade noticed that her face was not wet. Odd, that one.
"Then, those singing goblins," Umbridge said. "I thank you for your tireless efforts for getting our riches back, but they never should have been stolen in the first place. Those...creatures were created by your negligence by allowing the Voodoo Hillbilly queen explode and does them with the fragments of those glowing green rocks."
"To be fair the Ministry was breached…."
"Mr. Wilson, I kindly tell you not to speak to me, unless you are properly addressed," Umbridge said. "Need I remind you, that you are on probation for your antics."
'Pick up the vase, break it and stab her with the pieces,' Voldemort suggested.
Umbridge consulted her notes.
"And last year, the Triwizard Tournament. Last year, two champions, underaged. One of them had been attacked by your old friend, Mad-Eye Moody and...well she died from her injuries, didn't she?"
"Ms. Black was unfortunately a vessel for Lord Voldemort," Dumbledore said.
"Albus, we both know this is a fantasy you've cooked up," Umbridge said. "We all know you have dreams You-Know-Who returning one day, so you can mentor Harry Potter. So you can grooom him, for your own purposes."
The way Umbridge said groom made Wade think Umbridge was implying something else other than setting up Harry to fight the Dark Lord.
"But, we both know He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named will not return," Umbridge said. "After his pathetic defeat at the hands of the child. I believe his prowess was exaggerated to compensate for lacking in other attributes."
A thunderstorm went on in Wade's head.
'You bitch, I will cut you up and dump you in the lake,' Voldemort hissed.
'Down boy,' Wade warned The Dark Lord.
"The point is, I am here to ensure that Hogwarts runs smoothly, as it should be, within order, and without chaos," Umbridge said. "It's just a few minor rules, but I believe that it will be within the best interests of our students. After all, the students at this school are the future."
Umbridge flashed them an insincere, and yet sugary one.
"Rule number one is there will be a zero tolerance policy for any and all magical and Muggle violence in this school," Umbridge said. "If someone hexes a person, they should drop their wand, and put their hands up in defense. Wait for a teacher to sort out the situation."
Wade could just headdesk at the stupidity of this rule.
"Students will not be allowed to interact in groups of more than three," Umbridge said. "For groups of more than three promotes gang activity which we will avoid at Hogwarts."
Umbridge was on a rule and many of the teachers struggled to roll their eyes.
"Teachers and students alike will be required to underground rigorous tests for alcohol, drugs, and potions," Umbridge said. "Anyone who is found under the influence of any kind will be suspended for the rest of the school year. And anyone who does not report such activities will be in serious, serious trouble as well."
Here, Trelawney and Hagrid looked like they had just been put on death row.
"All Muggleborn students will be assigned a pureblood minder," Umbridge said. "They will have to follow the suggestions of the pureblood minder or they will be expelled and forced to live in disgrace."
"Yes, because people won't abuse that in all of the wrong ways," Wade said darkly.
Pureblood boys with Muggleborn girls for instance, no way that wasn't going to end in...well, Wade could shudder to think about it.
"Physical displays of affection are prohibited in Hogwarts," Umbridge said. "Any kissing, any hugging, any holding of hands, they are all prohibited in this school."
"Hand holding?" Wade asked. "Are you trying to cut down on the cooties?"
"Mr. Wilson!" Umbridge snapped. "Everyone knows that hand holding is a gateway to teenage pregnancy."
"Actually the gateway to teenage pregnancy is lack of proper sexual education and also….."
Umbridge cleared her throat in that annoying "hem, hem" way. She continued.
"All students will have to wear the proper uniform, without any individual changes or deviations," Umbridge said. "This includes the undergarments, and weekly uniform checks will be made to ensure every part of the Hogwarts uniform is to regulations."
"Including the undergarments?" Snape asked.
"Yes, Professor Snape, especially the undergarments," Umbridge said.
Oh, Snape envisioned how problematic this edict could be. Umbridge looked at the staff, who wondered what other torments she had cooking up for them.
"And female-presenting nipples will be panned from Hogwarts."
No one said anything. Wade coughed.
"And those are just some of the rules which I hope to implement making this school a more harmonious place," Umbridge said.
"Well, those are some interesting suggestions," Dumbledore said.
"Thank you, Headmaster," Umbridge said. "This year will be positively delightful...oh and one more thing. The Ministry will be in touch about further changes in Hogwarts."
"I will look over your complete list of suggestions, if I may," Dumbledore said. "After all, we all want to be on the same page, going forward."
"Yes, and I look forward to working with each and every one of you in making sure the students of Hogwarts conform the ideals the Ministry wants out of the witches and wizards working for it," Umbridge said.
"By taking all of the individuality and wonder out of a school of magic, you mean?" Wade asked.
Umbridge snapped her wand and Wade gasped. His mouth had been sewed shut by Umbridge. Even Snape and Filch, who wanted Wade to shut up more than anyone else in the room, looked unnerved by this development.
'Oh, the nerve of this woman!' Wade yelled. 'I can't be the Merc with a Mouth, without a functional mouth!'
"Perhaps now you will learn to keep your voice respectful towards your betters," Umbridge said. "It's for your own good, Mr. Wilson.
Oh, Wade disagreed. Eventually, he would get use of his mouth back. Umbridge might have struck first blood and won this battle, but the war was at hand.
And now Wade Wilson made it his personal mission in life to make Umbridge's time at Hogwarts memorable, but for all of the wrong reasons.