Wade marched into Dumbledore's office, mouth still stitched shut. Snape and McGonagall followed the Headmaster and the Deputy Caretaker. Umbridge had returned back to the Ministry, like to report the results of the meeting to Fudge.
"You are going to allow that woman to make a mockery out of Hogwarts for what reason?" McGonagall asked.
"Fudge has gotten an overinflated sense of himself as of late," Dumbledore said. "It unfortunately happens to many politicians. It has happened to me a time or two through my life, and the results have been a disaster. It would be best to give Umbridge enough rope to hang herself, even if the students of Hogwarts are a bit discomforted in the process."
McGonagall pinched the bridge of her nose.
"Albus, when you give people enough rope to hang themselves, innocent people end up getting themselves caught in the noose."
"I fail to see your point," Dumbledore said.
McGonagall shook her head. Wade, on the other hand, was waving his hands. Dumbledore turned his attention to Wade and broke into a smile.
"Oooh, goody, charades!" Albus said.
Wade waved his hands back and forth.
"Okay, there's an elephant in the room."
Wade pointed to his mouth.
"And you want to give him oral sex?"
Wade slapped the desk and pointed to his mouth over and over again. Stitched shut by the pepto toad. Wade, realizing no one with magical abilities was going to help him, yanked on the stitches. Oh, Umbridge had been capable of at least one spell, the indignity at all.
"Well, her rules...are going to end up being a problem," Snape said. "But, perhaps we should allow her to implement them, and hopefully the parents agitation will be directed towards the Ministry and not towards Hogwarts. I think we should have taken a firmer hand with certain students so they did not run amuck with their….."
Wade groaned and tore the stitches out of his mouth. Along with his mouth, which dropped to the floor, bloodily gushing all over Albus's carpet.
"Thanks, for that Wilson, I just had lunch."
Wade's mouth slowly grew back and he threw his head back.
"Oh, you think that zero-tolerance is going to really work, especially in a school of magic," Wade said. "Because, if people are going to get in trouble just by being involved in a fight, there's no reason to hold back. In for a penny, in for a pound, or I guess in your wacky magical world, in for a knut, in for a galleon."
"Would the students risk expulsion by getting into such a fight?" Dumbledore asked.
"Yes!"
All three of the other office occupants said this. Snape just leaned back.
"Well, maybe some people should have gotten expelled years ago, when they had a habit of levitating other students in the air to show off," Snape said sullenly. "So, perhaps this new rule change is not as bad."
"You do realize under Umbridge's policies, you would be expelled as well, wouldn't you?" McGonagall asked.
"Why did you think I was talking about anyone in particular?" Snape said.
McGonagall peered at Snape over those glasses. Everyone knew who precisely Snape was talking about. And Snape was more than capable of defending himself and also instigating situations himself.
"Well, be that as it may, I'm certain…."
A message dropped on Dumbledore's desk and Dumbledore frowned.
"It's a note."
Dumbledore held up the piece of people and showed a musical note.
"And on the back is a letter," Wade said.
The letter "A" was on the back of the note.
'We so stole this joke from Spongebob,' one of the voices in Deadpool's head snidely commented.
'Quiet you.'
"And here is this message….from Harry Potter," Dumbledore said. "But, I can barely read it."
"Well, it's a Potter, so his handwriting would not be legible," Snape said.
"Actually, I seemed to have misplaced my reading glasses."
"Give it here, Albus," McGonagall said.
Why did she always have to be the lone voice of reason in a sea of insanity? Minerva took the letter and cleared her through.
"Dear Professor Dumbledore," McGonagall said. "I have decided, based on the changes happening around Hogwarts, that it would be in my best interest not to return to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry for the next term. I forgive a lot, but what I cannot forgive is that deplorable woman, that Pepto Toad, being in charge of my favorite subject of this school. And you allowed it to happen. Because, you couldn't be bothered to find a proper Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher…."
"Well, that's a bit harsh," Albus said.
"Seriously, Albus, get your shit together."
Minerva's lips twitched for a second before she continued reading.
"Do not bother and try and get me to return to Hogwarts," Minerva said. "I have allies far more powerful than you could ever imagine. Unless you want to piss off fifty-three different women who could lift your castle and hurl it into the sun, I suggest you step the back up. I would also suggest you cut back on the sherbert lemon. Hate to say it, but you're going to start to look like my cousin Dudley if you're not careful. I would say it is a pleasure, but your magical education left something to be desired. I have learned more through independent studies. Shame there's a few good teachers who would be even greater if they had more freedom than what Hogwarts offers. See you, never, sincerely Harry Potter."
Dumbledore blinked a couple of times and lead the leader process. Snape not so subtly fist-pumped underneath the table. It was a shame he could not be breaking out that bottle of wine he saved for Potter's expulsion thanks to Umbridge's prohibition rules.
And yes, Potter left, and was not expelled with his wand snapped, buy why bother with the details?
"Minerva?" Dumbledore asked.
"Yes?"
"Am I getting...fat?" Dumbledore asked.
"Well, you have been getting a little husky lately, Albus," Minerva said.
Dumbledore looked down at his belly, not realizing it had been difficult to see his own toes into someone pointed out. Lemon drops were just so good, he just had to have one more and then he was off the stuff for good, maybe after a couple more, but other than that, he was done.
"I'm glad Potter's gone, but who told him about Umbridge?"
"Dobby is no stooge sir!"
Dobby flashed into the Headmaster's office.
"Dobby did not tell Harry Potter about the Pepto Toad or her draconian rule changes, or the fact she would make Hogwarts a more difficult place, and it might be in Harry Potter's best interests not to be here, oh no, Dobby would never do something like that," Dobby said. "Oh, and Headmaster, Dobby just found your reading glasses."
"Thank you, Dobby," Dumbledore said.
"Sure, you're not a snitch, Dobby?" Wade asked.
"Dobby does not have the ability to turn into a small golden ball, sprout wings, and fly around the Quidditch Pitch, sir," Dobby clarified.
Dobby winked three times at Wade who winked in return, and the house elf returned.
"Well, I can't think of anyone who would have told Harry," Dumbledore said. "It's a pity really, Lily and James would have…."
"Lily hated Umbridge, and would yank Harry out of school so fast his head would spin if Umbridge became a teacher when Harry as here," McGonagall said. "Along with hexing you for allowing it."
Dumbledore swallowed and Snape sagely nodded.
Umbridge had been in a foul mood. Two dementors, reduced to nothing but ash, had been a bother. Especially since she sent them after Harry Potter in an attempt to either de-soul him or get him expelled. Unfortunately, Umbridge could not figure out how the dementors had been reduced to smoldering ash. It would take some kind of heat vision or something like that, but the entire thing was just not possible.
And the fact the Dementor remains were found on the property of one Amelia Bones made Umbridge's life a bit more tricky. Amelia was one of the few people in the Ministry Umbridge could not blackmail or was not corrupt at all and oh boy, did that gall her.
Umbridge returned to Hogwarts and noticed something peculiar.
"Professor McGonagall," Umbridge said in her sickly voice.
Minerva cringed and turned to Umbridge.
"Yes, Professor Umbridge."
Using the term Professor connected to the Pepto Toad, and Wade's description of her was oddly appropriate, made Minerva sick as a dog.
"I was looking at the fifth year register, and I noticed two students missing," Umbridge said. "First of all, what happened to a Ms…..Sally-Anne Perks?"
"She went away to visit a sick aunt in Colorado," Minerva said. "You know, in the United States...the paperwork must have not been filed properly for the Board of Governors."
"But, surely she should not be visiting her aunt since before her second year?" Umbridge asked.
Minerva just shrugged. The mysterious disappearance of Sally-Anne Perks had been a weird one. Minerva only knew the official story, given by Dumbledore to the Board. But, they did not need any strangeness on their hands.
"And where is Harry Potter?"
"He dropped out of Hogwarts," Minerva said.
"What do you mean dropped out?"
"He left school," Minerva said. "He elected to do his studies elsewhere. He decided no longer to attend class….in fact, I have his resignation note right here."
Umbridge fumed. How dare Harry Potter leave Hogwarts? How dare he? How dare he leave Hogwarts before she could expel him, or at least make his life miserable? Thoughts of making Harry Potter attend detention night after night, carving lines in his hand with her special quill, and then Umbridge furiously masturbating herself to sleep afterwards, faded. Oh, she would torture this little boy, and show him his proper place, oh yes she would.
But, her buzz, and her pleasure had been killed. Now, she had two dead dementors and her legacy at Hogwarts had been tarnished by Harry Potter leaving because of her, before she could properly disgrace the Boy-Who-Lived. People would talk, letters would be sent out. Umbridge had to act fast, she needed to create a letter filtering ward around Hogwarts, stop all outgoing mail mentioning news about what she was doing about Hogwarts. She would need to draft educational degrees, to make sure staying at Hogwarts over the holidays was mandatory, hell summer as well. The full seven years, they would be here under Umbridge's watchful eye, and they would be prepared to work at the Ministry.
They would all be loyal to her, and Umbridge would have an entire generation working for her at the Ministry of Magic, while she trained more and made sure they were Ministry-Ready. Oh, she would be the best Minister of Magic ever, because everyone would love her.
Umbridge almost exploded after properly reading the letter.
"HOW DARE THAT….THAT…..BRAT DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS? He called me a deplorable woman. That's it, isn't he? He doesn't respect me as the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher because I'm a woman...and because I'm a woman, and he's a man, he thinks he can talk to me like that."
Dolores Umbridge was a very powerful woman in the Ministry and Harry Potter should show her some respect. She got where she did by playing the game and knowing where all of the goblin porn had been buried.
"Oh, I was under the impression that Harry Potter did respect me as a teacher….."
Despite having a testimonial from a respected member of Hogwarts staff Harry Potter did not leave school because Umbridge was a woman, rather because he disagreed with Umbridge's rule changes, she still fumed.
"The Patriarchy, this is what it is, the Patriarchy at work!" Umbridge shouted. "Because, of Potter's Muggle relatives, he thinks he can get away with that. Well, we'll show them all, I'll show them that my way works. We'll show him that it's my time to shine. It's my turn to be in charge. MY TURN!"
Minerva calmly wiped the saliva off of her face.
"Dolores, would you like a sedative?" Minerva asked.
"No, no, this disgusting little boy...how dare he mock me in such a matter?" Umbridge asked. "He called me deplorable, because I'm a woman."
Minerva was very confident Dolores Umbridge would be very deplorable as a man as well.
Umbridge stormed down the hallway. She had been laughed at all the way up in the Ministry, but then, the same people who laughed at her now answered to her. And one day, Harry Potter would bend at the knee to her.
She had power. She had influence, gold, and power beyond all measure. Dolores Umbridge could grab any wizard by the balls and get away with it.
Deadpool poked his head out of the bathroom stall.
"It appears that our new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is...rather dismayed with Harry Potter's departure," Minerva said. "She has taken offense to his….calling her a deplorable woman."
"Well, some people can't handle the truth," Deadpool said.
Minerva shook her head. People hiding behind their gender to avoid criticism, no matter what the gender was, it made Minerva nauseous. And Umbridge showed herself to be the type of person who would shut down any conversation by saying that people were arguing against her just because she was a woman.
"It's going to be one of those years," Wade said. "I can already tell. Now what to do with Umbridge?"
'I vote for disembowelment!" Voldemort cheerfully stated.
'Yes, yes, disembowel her,' Voldemort said, trying to disguise his voice to sound like another voice.
'Gut her, gut her,'' a deeper Voldemort voice yelled.
'I 'gree with the Dark Lord, carve her into Haggis,' Voldemort said in a really bad Scottish accent.
Deadpool chuckled, amused by how Voldemort seemed to just take to the insanity in his head, amongst the other voices.
'One of us, one of us,' chanted the other voices in Deadpool's head.
Hogwarts started Deadpool's fifth year of working the toilets and cleaning the floors of Umbridge. He walked past the office, to hear Umbridge scribbling away furiously. Either writing an angry letter towards Fudge, complaining about how awful Harry Potter was to the Minister, or perhaps composing some kind or riveting speech.
It was kind of amusing Umbridge overlooked the fact Harry Potter knew fifty-three different women who could pick up Hogwarts and hurl it into the sun.
Only replace castle with her.