There are no justifications for feeling happy, there are no justifications for feeling sad, there are no justifications for feeling neutral.
A quote from a Mitchell Heisman book that I once read, was the last thing he wrote before committing suicide. When I read it as a child I really believed that I was right, but today I realize that I had justifications to feel happy and I did not realize it, also, right now I have justifications to feel sad and it is impossible to ignore it, it is curious that I remember it at this time.
My name is Alden Lenn, I'm 22 years old, and maybe I'm thinking of making a decision that will change the course of some people's lives. I never liked walking, but I want to visit some places, once I read that remembering is living again, I would like to experience it one more time. I do not do this to leave some teaching of something, nor to leave any trace or proof that I once existed in this vast space, if I'm honest I really don't know why I do it, maybe I just want you to know that under my intellectual facade arrogant, under what seems to be a cold iceberg, there was a being capable of feeling and only by telling my story can I achieve it. But before I begin, I would like to say who I am or more precisely ... who I was.
I was born in a small town in New Jersey to a small family. We were my father, my mother and my little sister. We were never wealthy, but we never lacked for anything. Since I was born I was considered a kind of child prodigy, ahead elementary, middle and high school. I think it goes without saying that I was able to do my PhD before I was 20 years old. Impressive? ... Not so much. There are four aspects that gave meaning to my life during my time of "happiness" (without knowing that it was) the same ones that are part of my current time in which nothing makes sense anymore.
The first, if I speak of friendship. I was basically teased by all the bullies that I came across as time went on. I was never popular, rather I was the nerdy boy that nobody wanted to have as a friend, there were so many rumors about me that everyone was moving away. Despite that, I could have one, James. I met him when I went to school for the first time, I remember that a bully was bothering me when he came and defended me, he did not care that in the end they ended up hitting him. James was confident and friendly, certainly a great person. As the years went by, I was moving forward through school while he stayed behind, but we had never stopped being friends, there were always times when he would come home and talk about interesting things. He always told me that he was destined for great things and that he was proud to have a friend like me. Where will he be right now? ... it's been more than 3 years and I haven't spoken to him since.
The second ... if I'm talking about family. The relationship we had during my first years of life was pretty good, nothing out of the ordinary. Me and my little sister Cristal were inseparable. Cristal was sweet, cheerful and energetic, but mostly sentimental. He liked to ask me all kinds of things, my mother used to tell him to let me study, but she always gladly gave me time to answer whatever I wanted ... I never told her how much I liked doing that. My father was the most understanding person I ever met, my mother was the opposite, she was tough and strict at times. My father used to come home every night from work and take us stargazing, hence my love for them. My mother always tried to stop him so that I could continue my studies, but he always ended up convincing her to go too. Everything was fine ... but when I turned 12 my father died in a car accident, since then we have never been the same again. My mother turned to alcohol and stopped paying attention to us, it was as if my sister and I were only ghosts of what one day was and would never be again, Cristal began to lose her way, becoming a rebellious and distant girl, she did not ask me again nothing since. As for me, I just locked myself in my room to read as many books as possible and left home as soon as I had a chance. We haven't talked much since then, lately my mother only talks to me when she needs money ... and my sister doesn't want to know anything about me ...
If I talk about my studies, for a long time my mentors were happy with my work and research about the universe, disproving theories was what I liked the most, but because of it, my time at university was longer than the time I was at home . My mind works in different ways, how could I think that I had it all? ... when in reality I was losing what little I had, due to certain events I lost my job as a teacher, rather ... I decided to quit when they gave me a ultimatum, but it did not fail to honor that old human tradition of doing everything too late ... that's when the fourth and final aspect comes in ...
If I speak of love. It is difficult l believe that a person like me came to have someone, a partner, a confidant or a friend, but it was. My talks about the mysteries of the universe alienated the girls around me, but not her, my only certainty in my world full of theories. It is where that girl enters that changed my perception about love, it is where I met Meriel, a noble, innocent, attentive girl capable of transmitting everything he felt. But maybe I never quite understood her and she tried too hard to understand me. I spent so much time trying to be the best version of me for her, but I never succeeded, despite being the most important reason, for wanting to make a decision like this ... I wonder what is she thinking? Is she thinking of me? ... is she waiting for me to make that call? Or maybe ... I already forgot. I never thought there would be so many questions that I can't answer.
Four aspects, four reasons, I wonder what neutrality will be like? Could it be that I have to forget everything and start over? Or ... is there only one way out? I only know one way, it will be only seven days, seven days walking.