The strong wind in the early morning and the endless rain making waterways in the streets woke me up a long time ago. The still dark room reminds me of my present, the lanterns outside the window trying to illuminate through the curtains remind me of my past, as if it were a paper boat sailing on those "waterways", struggling to get afloat. Since I woke up I have been lying looking at that space next to me, desperately trying to bring that precious memory to my head without success. The wet smell of rain, the dusty books on that shelf, the empty closet in front of me, and these four walls that seem to be falling on top, is the only thing I notice in this empty room. It does not take much research to realize that ... there are mountains so high to climb, ravines so deep to descend and stars so far away as to reach, also ... there are moments of happiness in a past that has passed and that now I'm looking to live again ... maybe it's stupid, but that's all I have left.
I'm not going to lie, getting up was not easy, today I do not find the same desire as yesterday. After washing my face and putting on my glasses I look at myself in the mirror. My image has changed a lot, I was always misaligned and messy, but I had never had dark circles. My light eyes seem dull and my skin looks paler than usual, let alone my hair.
It seems like the rain turned into a downpour and eventually stopped, but I still carry my umbrella in my backpack. I prepare a couple of sandwiches for lunch and prepare to leave, but when I open the door I notice that it is freezing outside, so I go back up for a coat. Taking it to my mind comes something ...
—Even brother, let's go for a walk ...
I look at him, in his eyes I see that desire to do something with his brother, but being in my role as the oldest I know that it is not a good idea due to time.
—No Cristal —I say in an attempt to persuade— it's too late and it's freezing.
Cristal raises his hand and holds my coat in it.
—I brought your coat ���she says with a big smile— and I already have mine on, I want you to show me the constellations.
I must admit that ... Cristal is one of the few people I can't say no to, after seeing her big blue eyes and her wide smile, she leaves me no choice.
—It's okay Cristal, but we won't last long, I don't want you to catch a cold.
—yes! Okay brother, come on! ...
My sister was always an energetic and cheerful one of us. We used to go together to the patio of the house and look at the stars until sleep overcame her and she fell asleep. Sometimes on the grass, sometimes on my shoulder. Time was irrelevant when we were together.
—That constellation is Orion, there is the brightest star in the sky, its name is Betelgeuse, although according to scientists it was brighter before, it is in the transition to disappear ...
Maybe he never knew, I never got to know how much I liked spending those moments with her. After falling asleep, I always carried her home on my back, while I thought about the time I spent with her, I couldn't stop smiling, just as she smiled at this moment that I remember.
Today I took a different route, I hope to reach different parts that are waiting for my "Ritorno", due to the weather, the streets are little traveled and there are hardly any people walking on the sidewalk. I always liked cloudy days, they help me think.
I seem to have an appetite, I brought some sandwiches, but I'll save them for later. For now, I will enter this place, this restaurant will surely make me remember. I enter and look around, the staff changed, but the place remains the same as at that time. Haya on the far left, that the last table is the one he used when he used to come here. I take a seat and wait. Maybe a minute goes by when someone approaches.
—Good morning —said the waitress— What are you going to order?"
I look at the menu, there are many more options than when I came a long time ago, but one, in particular, catches my attention.
—I'd like to order pancakes with Bacon and maple syrup please, also a dark coffee without sugar.
—I will be right back.
Someone loved to eat this, I never tried it, but I will experiment this time. While I wait, I turn to look out the window, the sky is still dark due to the clouds, but the rain does not come.
What if it comes to my head is a memory ... I came to this place constantly after attending doctorate classes, had lunch, and sometimes even had dinner in this place. It was a Friday, it had been a difficult week, I just wanted to eat something and go home to sleep for a couple of hours.
—Are you going to want the usual? —Asked Alicia, the waitress.
—Yes —I replied, writing in my notebook— it will be business as usual, thank you.
After a few minutes, the waitress brought my plate along with a cup of coffee, while I was getting ready to eat I heard Alicia complain about something.
—can not be! —Alicia exclaimed —here they come.
Alicia turned to me.
—Don't listen if they try to bother you —Alicia told me.
Then Alicia stormed away while I continued writing in my notebook. I heard the door open and I also heard several people talking to each other, a typical teenage talk, but too loud. They wouldn't let me concentrate so I closed my notebook and started eating.
—And how was it with that girl —one of them said.
—You know how it was, no girl resists —answered another.
—They're disgusting —said a girl's voice.
Several girls were also going and my head was concentrating more on listening to them than on anything else, they spoke so loud that I could not concentrate on anything else. After a few minutes, after ordering some things, another person came in with them.
—Hello! —Exclaimed the newcomer— I'm late, I'm sorry.
I immediately recognized that voice, that unique timbre softer and sweeter than the rest, not very loud but enough to hear it. I looked away from the door and could see who it was.
—Meriel —I whispered when I saw her.
It had been a week since she stopped going to the park. I got too nervous, I was trying to decide whether to say hello or not, but I better tried to get back to what I was doing. Time began to pass, I was still in that corner trying to concentrate, they made the same noise since they arrived, but something, in particular, caught my attention.
—So what do you say Meriel —said one of them— have you thought about what I told you?
—No ... I still don't think about it.
—Come on, don't be shy —the boy insisted again— I'll let you think about it just a bit more.
—You're almost 18 years old Meriel —a girl said— it's normal."
But instead, Meriel seemed unsure of what it was they were talking about. My field was not psychology, but observing her expression and gestures, I was sure that she did not feel comfortable there. They continued talking, it seems they talked about the whole school, gossip, and more gossip. They even said things about Alicia, but she was unfazed. Meriel only listened, but her gestures and expressions were clear, she was not comfortable. After a while, I finished my food and I started to leave, but before leaving, something inside me guided me to that table, I had to talk to her. It was strange, for the first time in a long time I wanted to talk to someone. I walked over my gaze down to the ground and holding my notebook in both hands to contain my nerves.
—Hi-hi —I said shyly.
All eyes were focused on me, but I didn't dare to look at anyone. So she was just looking down at the floor.
—And this —said the boy next to Meriel— hey friend, did you miss something?"
But what am I doing ... she's with her friends, of course, she won't talk to me, I thought at that precise moment.
—I ... nothing, enjoy your food —I said as I backed away.
But then.
—Alden ...
When I heard her, I looked up and saw her, she directed that sweet smile towards me, and that look that made my heart race.
—I want ... I want to talk to you —I said more nervous.
As soon as I said it, his smile became more evident, I felt a bit of comfort knowing that he had not forgotten me.
—Do you know these four eyes? —The boy asked.
—Yes, he is my friend —Meriel said to her friends.
—You can't be friends with someone like her —one of the girls said— just look at him.
Suddenly everyone began to laugh out loud, all except for her, it seemed that everything they said bothered her, so:
—Come —I said amid the laughter— do you want to walk?
The laughter had stopped and those gazes returned to me, I can't describe how uncomfortable it was.
—But what are you saying silly —said the same boy next to Meriel— of course, I won't walk with a loser like you, just look at you, you're a loser, plus Meriel is coming with me, so get away before it goes wrong.
She was right, of course, she was not going to leave her friends for a boy she barely knew, although in my arrogance she knew who the real loser was, just that I was never good for problems like that. I lowered my gaze again and when I was about to turn around.
—He's not a loser —Meriel said— He's the smartest boy I've ever met and better than any of you.
I stopped in amazement at what Meriel was saying.
—You're coming with me Meriel —said the boy— I won't let you go with that fool.
—no! —Meriel exclaimed— of course, I'm not coming with you, come on Alden.
Meriel got up from the table, but that boy took her by the hand.
—Meriel ... if you go with that fool you will be a loser again, is that what you want?
—I don't see why it would be bad —Meriel said annoyed.
They all fell silent and looked at me again, this time there was hatred in their eyes. But what had I done? All that drama to go talk to a girl? I started to question myself in my head, but then, Meriel took my hand and started pulling me with her.
—Come on Alden, let's go —he said with a smile, making me snap out of my thoughts.
—Are you sure about this? —I asked for.
—Of course, I'm sure —Meriel said— let's go.
I just nodded my head as he led me by the hand outside the premises ...
I finished eating the pancakes with bacon and maple syrup, as I imagined, too sweet for me. I left the premises with the intention of following in the footsteps of that occasion. Around this corner is a small park where children often play. It seems that by the time no one comes out, it is empty. I walk over to the swings and sit on one. I start to rock slowly, I narrow my eyes and feel the cold breeze brushing my face, the smell of wet earth around is a good indicator that it will rain, however, I hope it will be delayed a little more. Amid the breeze, a voice passes through my mind.
—Are you pushing me? —Said that voice accompanied by laughter.
—me?
—Yes Alden, you. Yes, please?
—okay.
I start rocking on the swing with just 1% of the momentum with which I was pushing her on that occasion. The silence around me tries to tell me that the feeling of happiness from that moment cannot be brought back, but as I close my eyes and imagine Meriel's tender laugh, it is as if I am here with her right now. Although when I open my eyes again everything fades and only 1% of the happiness of that occasion remains, but only 1%, it is enough to make me smile ...
Continuing with that moment, after getting off the swings he started running around, he did have a lot of energy. While I was exhausted, I just sat on a bench and watched her play.
—Alden! —she exclaimed from a nearby tree— come with me.
But I just shook my head, I didn't have the same energy as her. But not content with that, she came over to me and took my hand.
—but what are you doing? —I asked in an attempt to resist.
—Come —he said, looking into my eyes.
—b-but ...
At that moment a look from a long time ago came to my head, I just couldn't say no to him. Gently taking my hand, she began to guide me towards that tree. In the limitless imagination of my head, I could imagine where that new path in front of me led me, an unknown universe different from the one I knew, a warm sensation that made me feel safe being with that girl. I didn't know it at the time, but that feeling has a well—known name ...
—What are we doing here? —I asked.
—We can sit here and talk a little.
I looked at the place and then I turned to see the bench I was on before, it seemed a more suitable place, more comfortable for both of us, so ask.
—Why not on the bench?
—I don't know —Meriel answered as she sat down— this place seems to be quieter, come.
I sat next to her and leaned against the stem of the tree, she was right, the tranquility quickly came to me. After a long silence, he had to say something to her.
—Meriel, I ...
—Don't worry —he said, interrupting me.
—I am worried —I said, looking down at the ground— I'm bad at ...
—Yes, I know —he said again, interrupting— I want to apologize for my reaction that day." After that, when passing through that park and seeing you there, something inside me said: "don't go, he won't want to talk to you." I didn't know what you were going to think of me, so I didn't get close. You were right, you had just met me and I wanted to vent to you, it wasn't fair to you, that's why I'm sorry ... it was a relief to know that you weren't upset with me and you went to talk to me.
Meriel bowed her head and held hands, now it seemed that she was the one feeling nervous.
—I must also apologize —I said— I didn't mean that I wouldn't want to be your friend, I kept going to see the stars at that place waiting for you to come again.
I couldn't believe I said it, I wanted to push myself to express myself more with her, I just still couldn't be that transparent. In the same way, her expression showed surprise when she knew that the reason to continue going to that place was to wait for her.
—But there are things I am wondering about at the moment —I said, looking into her eyes.
—What things? —She asked curiously.
—Why did you prefer to come with me and leave your friends? ... and more importantly, why did you decide to approach me when you saw me alone in the park? ...
Meriel turned her gaze away, I thought she didn't know what to answer. But I couldn't be more wrong, she had that answer ready.
—Did you know that those guys are the most popular? —Meriel asked— all the girls and boys are dying to be your friends.
—social status? —I asked.
—That's right ... it seems that Beck likes me, we could say she's their leader, so they asked me out with them to be their girlfriend. I must admit that at first, I liked that attention that I now had, everyone wanted to talk to me, I went to parties, meetings and that kind of teenage stuff, I enjoyed it ... before that, it went unnoticed by everyone and I had no friends, but sooner rather than later I realized that ...
At that moment she stopped and turned to see the sky, her short hair was blown by the wind and her eyes shone like stars. It was really hard for me to believe that that girl next to me went unnoticed by others when I couldn't stop giving her my full attention. In her eyes I could notice some regret, I repeat, I am not a psychologist, but her expressions were very transparent, like alkaline water coming down from the mountain.
—Did you realize that? —I asked, eager to hear her.
Still looking at the stars, she answered me.
I realized that I had to pretend to be someone I'm not. Being conditioned on how to dress, how to act even what to eat or what places to visit is not something I enjoy, I had long since tired of being another version of myself when I went out with them. I think you realized they are louts, but the last straw was to see what they called you ... I was not going to allow it.
—I understand, but ... Why me?
She turned and looked me in the eye.
—From what I understand, your job is to study the universe ... but I know that there are great mysteries in it that cannot be solved, not even by you.
—I don't see the relationship —I said, intrigued by what he was saying.
Meriel laughed tenderly covering her mouth with her hand, she really couldn't understand what she meant, after seeing my intrigue she finally answered me.
—It's easy ... if even for a genius like you there are things that you can't explain ... What awaits me? An average girl, who cannot explain how a lonely boy in the park caught her attention after each day, until an impulse, a force, something inexplicable ... led her to him.
Every Word he said left me in awe, being speechless was becoming routine with that girl. After averting her gaze and looking straight ahead, she rested her head on my shoulder, my cheeks flushed.
—What I kept wondering —Meriel said in a low voice— is whether an ordinary girl like me would attract the attention of a boy like you ...
I smiled, that "ordinary" girl had not only stolen all my attention, but I also couldn't stay without saying anything, so ...
��Did you know that there is no other natural satellite in the solar system like the moon? —I said in my attempt to say something— there is not, however, for all who see it daily, they see it as something common, without knowing that they are seeing something so unique.
I felt how Meriel snuggled closer to my shoulder and out of the corner of my eye I could see how her cheeks were colored red, her sweet smile had turned shy, but she was still beautiful.
—Thank you ... Alden —Meriel whispered into my shoulder.
I started walking again, I have in mind to get to the town where I grew up today. Now it must be more than once in the afternoon. The drops of water began to fall, I took the umbrella out of my backpack to protect myself. Despite this gray and monotonous environment, I continue to smile for that wonderful moment I spent with Meriel. All these people who pass by me must think I'm crazy, they are not wrong, those most interesting minds are those who think differently, just like Meriel.
I reached this bridge once again, this is the fastest way to get to the village. With the same insecurity of yesterday, I go through it, I manage to reach the other without any major complication. After walking for maybe half an hour I get to town. Seeing it all once again is nostalgic. I look from side to side, as my gaze advances I can see so many moments from my past, countless vague memories of my childhood in this place. Right on that hill, he reached it and I stand on the top, I look at the sky, at this moment it is cloudy, but on that occasion, you could see a starry and beautiful sky. I was with my father, my mother and little Cristal.
—Alden, how about this hill? —My father asked.
—I think it's great!
Together with my father, I began to place my telescope. A comet was about to pass and we had front row tickets to see it at this location.
—Alden, remember you have to study —my mother said in an attempt to get us home.
—This is also learning —my father said— Don't worry, Beth, this is a beautiful phenomenon that we can only see once, you don't want to miss it.
My mother smiled at my father and agreed to stay to see the comet. suddenly that space rock became visible in the sky, its wake was immense, everyone looked amazed while I could not stop looking at it through the telescope with a better view.
—Crystal! —I called my sister— Look at this.
She walked over and looked through the telescope lens.
—WOW! —Crystal exclaimed in amazement— What is that brother?
—It's a comet called Hale-Bopp.
—It's beautiful —said Cristal.
One of many nights with my family, my father always supported my dream of being an astronomer in his way, my mother supporting me in hers, my sister always full of questions.
—Why do you leave that road? —Asked Cristal curiously.
—As it approaches the sun, the material begins to detach itself, thus forming the comet's tail.
—Did you hear that dad? —Cristal asked my father.
—Sure daughter, it's very interesting.
One of the many moments I enjoyed as a child. I continue walking, I begin to pass by the houses, the streets are very lonely for this time of day. I suppose the children are still in school and the adults are working, I don't know. I turn my head and I can see a bicycle in that house, I guess we all remember when we first learned to ride one. I remember when it happened.
James came to my house on a new bicycle that his parents bought him.
—Look, Alden —James said— now we can ride our bikes.
For months James had wanted to take a ride, my sister and I had bikes, but James did not, so we couldn't. I always told him that when he had one we would do it, but he did not count on it to be so soon, what I did not tell him was that he did not know how to use it.
—Come on Alden, bring your bike, let's go for a ride.
—Ah of course —I said nervously— a walk, for sure.
—I'll wait for you —James said.
I started walking towards the back of my house in search of my bike, a few minutes passed when I returned.
—James! —I exclaimed— my bicycle is useless.
—Than? How does it not work?
—A tire went flat —I said, hoping he would buy the lie.
—really? James asked —Let me review it.
—NO! I exclaimed nervously —don't bother James, we'd better do something else.
—Don't be silly —James said walking toward the back of my house.
—stop! Wait, James ...
Turning around and seeing the bike in good shape ... he seemed not to be surprised.
—James? tall! Wait James asked as I saw him standing in front of my bike.
—You can't lie, Alden, I knew from the beginning that it wasn't true.
—what?
—That's right ... did you think I'd swallow that for someone like you a flat tire would be a problem? Why did you lie to me?
I was embarrassed, but I had to tell him the truth.
—The truth is ... I don't know how to use my bike yet.
James laughed out loud, it seemed like he never bothered about anything he did. Although in a way he was making fun of me for not knowing how to use a bicycle.
—Why hasn't your father taught you? —James asked.
—I haven't asked you —I replied, cleaning my glasses— Wearing it hasn't caught my attention.
—Don't talk nonsense —said James— I'll teach you, you have to enjoy your childhood, you're already 8 years old, you should have learned a long time ago."
—Maybe you're right ... would you teach me?
—Sure, let's go.
We went out into the street and James tried to teach me to ride the bike, I have to say, for that kind of thing he was a bit clumsy.
—NO! Alden turns ... turns!
—the impact is inevitable... ¡NO!
After crashing into a tree, James quickly came to me.
—you're good? —James asked worriedly.
—Yes —I answered, trying to get up— it was just a miscalculation, it won't happen again.
—A mistake huh? Will, it does not happen again? ... this is the fifth time you've said it, we need another strategy.
After a crash-packed afternoon, I finally managed to stabilize myself on the bike. It was an achievement for me. In the end, we did that bike ride that James always wanted and I just had an accident, well we both had it, nothing serious, I just broke my glasses again ...
Wow ... without realizing I came here. It looks somewhat neglected, the grass has grown and dried leaving this garden yellowish, some glass is broken and the wood looks dark from humidity. Seeing the house in which I grew up in these conditions is sad. This house has been abandoned for a long time, I was able to buy it after my mother put it up for sale. If I'm honest I don't know where they live at the moment, they were moving from apartment to apartment, so much so that I lost track of them. At first, I insisted that they could live here again, but those memories made it impossible for them to inhabit it, I don't blame them ... I couldn't either. I walk to the back, my old bike frame is still here, even if it's just a rusty old iron. I sit on the porch stairs and watch. I close my eyes and ...
—brother? What are you doing sitting here by yourself?
He was sitting on this very porch watching the sunset when Cristal arrived.
—Nothing —I replied to Cristal— I just observe and think about some things.
Cristal sat next to me and began to observe along with me.
—What do you observe? —Cristal asked.
—Nothing in particular —I replied— and what do you do?"
—I was helping Mom make dinner, but I'm done.
—I see ... do you have any questions?"
Cristal began to think, when she didn't have a question ready, she always started to think of something that caught her attention or interested her.
—Why is the sun yellow? —Crystal asked after seeing the sunset— and why is it orange when it hides?
—That's because their short-wavelength colors, like blue or green, are scattered throughout the earth's atmosphere, just as small waves are scattered by large rocks along the shoreline. Therefore, only reds, yellows, and oranges pass through the thick atmosphere.
—Oh ... I see, so the sun is multicolored? —She asked confused.
—Yes and no —I answered Cristal— the sun is all mixed colors, and what color do all mixed colors form?
After thinking about it for a few seconds, Cristal smiled and answered me.
—White ... the sun is white!
—so is...
Alden! Crystal! —Our mother exclaimed from inside the house— It's time for dinner.
We both turned when we heard our mother call us.
—Didn't you have more to ask? —I said to Cristal before we went to dinner.
—Yes —said Cristal— it's just that I forgot it while I was helping Mom.v
—I get it...
I took my suitcase and took out a notebook.
—I'll give you this notebook —I said, handing the notebook to Cristal— it is a very special notebook, use it to write down all the questions you want to ask me.
—WOW! —Crystal exclaimed, amazed with the notebook— it's very pretty ... What's this in the image?
—That's the Andromeda galaxy ���I said as I showed Cristal to him— it's the closest galaxy to the Milky Way, it's impressive right?
—yes! It's a very impressive brother ... it's okay, I promise I'll use it, "Cristal said with a big smile.
—Okay ... let's go.
—Yes, come on brother.
the rain got stronger and he doesn't seem to intend to stop for a while. In my backpack I have the keys to the house, it would be better to wait inside. I open the door, the creak when turning the knob, and the squeak when moving it are signs that it has not been opened in a long time.
I open the curtains, only the little daylight illuminates the interior since the electricity service was cut off a long time ago. All the furniture is covered with blankets to protect it from dust, there are cobwebs on every side I look at. This is not a very big house to show off, but, if we have never missed, what do we understand by home? ...
I can't choose these memories that come, they just do, that's why there is no filter between the good and the bad. Now I am in the dining room, my surroundings begin to change and begin to take color. The dust is gone and the sheets are removed. The lights are on and there are four plates of hot food on the table. My father and mother, as usual, sitting on the banks, and my sister and I in the center. On that occasion, while we were having dinner, it seemed that something was bothering my mother. I looked at her but she avoided seeing me, I knew perfectly well, she was angry with me.
—Does something happen? —I asked my mother.
That vague look was now focused on me.
—I don't know Alden —my mother said— did something happen today that you want to share?
—Nothing important —I said a little nervous— just ...
—They just suspended you! —My mother exclaimed, interrupting.
—It's not so bad Beth —my father said, trying to calm her down.
—Of course, it is Christofer, the principal called today, Alden fought with the teacher in the middle of class, of course, it's so bad, son, you're not like that. Why did you do it? ... I can expect it from Cristal ... but not from you.
—Beth ... don't say that in front of Cristal —my father replied.
Cristal lowered his gaze and the cutlery he was eating slipped from his fingers. For some reason, my mother always compared her to me and used her as a bad example of what not to do. Dad would always defend her, but it wasn't enough to make those comparisons stop. It always bothered me, but I never said or did anything about it. I just acted, always acted without thinking about the repercussions.
—The teacher is always wrong —I said annoyed— and he gets too angry when I correct him, it's not my fault that he has no idea about anything."
—But that's not the Alden way ... besides, the principal said that you miss a lot of classes, what's going on with you?
—Classes cloud my mind —I said as I finished my meal— they're boring and they don't have anything to teach me anymore, Mom, Dad ... I don't want to go anymore, it's a waste of my time!
After that tantrum, I got up from the table and went to my room. I was sure that my parents had been arguing over my behavior, and the truth ... was what I wanted.
That night, I don't remember the exact time, I just remember that it was after midnight. A storm was hitting the city and consequently the town. This time there was lightning and thunder boomed making the windows shake. But a different noise called my attention when I turned to my right side, I could see a silhouette standing next to my bed. I rubbed my eyes and tried to see in the dark without my glasses, I couldn't see anything, but who was it uploaded.
—brother...
—Crystal?
—I'm afraid ... can I sleep with you?—
The thunder and lightning had awakened her.
—Sure —I said to Cristal, making a space for her in my bed— how scared, huh?"
—Yes —Cristal replied as she lay down on the bed— I'm scared of thunder.
—You're pretty smart —I said in an attempt to reassure her— don't tell me that a few rays scare you.
We started laughing at the situation, after that it seemed that Cristal had calmed down. But that smile didn't last long.
—I'm not a smart girl —Cristal said.
A slightly unexpected statement coming from my sister.
—Yes, you are...
—No ... I'm not.
—Because what you say? I asked confused.
—Mom doesn't think of it like that ... Mom doesn't think I'm smart.
—Don't say that Cristal ...
there is something I must say about my sister, she is one of the smartest people I ever met. But for some strange reason, she wasn't doing well in school, she didn't have the best grades. Despite not being problematic, she was always sent to the principal's office for nonsense things like not being able to attend classes, because I was sure she didn't need them.
After a short silence, Cristal started crying out of nowhere. I didn't know how to react, but I had to do something, I tried to make her ask me something like always ... after all, it was the only thing I knew how to do for her.
—Crystal ... you don't want to know...
—Sorry —said Cristal, interrupting— forgive me, brother.
He was totally confused, after thinking about the possible reason for his apology I asked him.
—Why do you apologize?
—Mom is right ...
—Reason for what? —I asked even more confused.
—After you left the table ... she said it's my fault you behave like that, forgive me brother —Cristal said, crying more intensely— forgive me, I don't want to be a bad example for you.
—Your ... a bad example? ...
That was the first time I saw her cry that way, that girl who was always happy and sweet ... my mother was wrong, Cristal was not the bad example, I am the oldest after all. What I mean is, I never thought that an action of mine to change that stupid role of bad example, was going to make her once again responsible. I felt ... I feel guilty for making Cristal suffer since the only thing I could do was hug her, I hugged her without confessing the truth. What a good brother I am ... right? I let her think he was to blame for my stupidity.
after crying so much she fell asleep, while I couldn't sleep the rest of the night thinking about it.
—I'm sorry —I whispered while wiping her tear-stained face— sorry Cristal ...
A useless sorry, it was useless because he never heard it. If it did not help to repent at that time, I know that doing it now is void. After that bittersweet, I remember going upstairs to get to my room. I look at her, but there is nothing in her that I could want. Behind me is the room that was once Crystal. I start to open it and look inside, it is empty, the bed is not there, the desk or the Cristal stuffed animals are not there, but that is not exactly why it is empty. I can see a notebook sticking out of the bookcase, I go over and look at it ... this is the notebook I gave Cristal many years ago. Step by page, she wrote her questions here and the answers I gave her as well. But it seems they weren't all answered, she didn't have time to ask me I guess.
"Ask my brother what is the speed of light, ask my brother if it is possible to travel in time, ask my brother how big the universe is."
Wow ... for many of these questions, even today I would not have a concrete answer. I keep turning the page and I find ... this.
"ask my brother if he loves me ...".
This is ... a memory of this comes to my mind ... but I don't know why the details take time to arrive and it is difficult for me to visualize it.
—brother...
—yes?
I want to ask you one last question.
—Go ahead —I said, prepared to answer anything.
She takes his hands timidly and begins to play indecisively with her fingers, her gaze directed towards the floor, her lips trembling ... what is that question you want to ask me? ... she began to think about it for a few more seconds until, in the end, she turned to see me, her eyes hid the intrigue, it seems that it is an important question for her, after trying to speak without success she finally utters the expected question.
It's weird ... she did ask me this question, I remember, but ... what was my answer? Why can't I remember it? I start reading again, didn't you write it down in your notebook? I turn the page in search of the answer, I start looking for it, but ... when I turn the page and see the back ... What is this?
"ask my dear brother what it feels like to be a son of a bitch, ask him what it feels like to hate him with all my heart, ask him ... because he didn't answer my most important question ... ask him what it feels like to feel nothing".
—Crystal —I say after a cold sigh— Why? ...
My tearful eyes look sadly at the sheet, my tears begin to wet it. I try to clean them, but holding them for so long has taken their toll. I don't understand, I can't remember why I didn't tell him how much the ... at the end of the page is something else written.
"Ask her why her stupid studies are worth more than her family ... no ... I don't care anymore."
The notebook rises from my hands and falls to the floor, I remember it now, I remember what happened ...
—brother...
I stop and turn to see her, she seems distressed about something ... but I ...
—What do you want? —I ask, sighing— I'm busy right now ... I have to go to the city library, I don't have time.
—Let me just ask you one question.
—I already told you that...
—Only! ... just let me ask you one last question ... please, I need to know ..."
She timidly takes his hands and begins to play indecisively with her fingers, her gaze directed towards the floor, her lips trembling ... the intrigue was hidden in her gaze, but ...
—not today Crystal —I said, starting to walk again.
But before leaving the door I hear her voice again, it seems to break more and more as if it was about to ...
—Brother ... do you still love me?"
I stop, turn my head a little and I can see out of the corner of my eye, his big blue eyes cry, he tries desperately to wipe those tears, but ... I had to go since the teacher was waiting for me in the city cafeteria, I did not have time to lose so ... I walked out the door.
I remembered, I ... turned my back on my little sister who was still grieving for our father's death. I hold myself to the wall, my glasses are fogged up by the tears that do not stop streaming from my eyes. I take my glasses off and desperately try to clean them, I try with all my might not to keep thinking about this ...
—Light travels three hundred thousand kilometers per second.
I have to think about something else, I must clear my head ... I keep cleaning my glasses, but ...
—Mathematically everything is possible even time travel, but physics as we know it says it is impossible ...
Somehow ... I have to think of anything else ... come on!
—The size of the universe is not quantifiable, no unit measures it since it is infinite, so one way to see its "size" is to quantify the observable universe in light-years, 46,500 million light-years, in all directions, that is, a diameter of 93,000 million light-years ... but that is only the observable universe, what we cannot see is missing.
But it is not possible to stop thinking about Cristal, despite answering these questions the pain does not go away. My head is flooded with guilt, regret ... sadness. Without realizing it, I broke my glasses from carving them so much. After a long, cold breath, I wipe my face, put the glasses next to the notebook on the bookcase, and leave the room.
The rain is not so trying anymore, I think it's time to go. Time passed again, it is 5:00 in the afternoon at this moment, it is almost 6:00. I leave the house and close it, put my hand on the door for one last time and leave.
It wasn't long after I left that house when it started to rain heavily. My umbrella does everything it can to stop the endless drops that fall aggressively. The sun has set obscuring the entire landscape, the streets are empty, the infinite sky is covered by the thick "Nuvole Nere", the cold sighs are invading me, a product of those memories that do not stop raining in my mind. My vision is more blurred than usual ... it is due to the tears that have not stopped flowing from my eyes since I left that house, I think that some sand entered my eyes, yes, that must be it.
I get home, my clothes are wet. This is not working ... no matter what, getting home with no one waiting for me is daunting. I leave my keys on the table and check the answering machine, there is a new message, again my mother saying the same thing from yesterday, but again mother, I can't help you. I climb the stairs and get to my room, change my soaked clothes, and get into bed. Nights like these scared Cristal's sleep, but not just hers ... Meriel's too.
—Can I sleep with you tonight?
I woke up, I turned to the door of the room and Meriel was peeking through the frame, the rainy night also made me remember at that time.
—Afraid of lightning? —I asked sleepily.
Meriel sneered with a small laugh and entered the room yawning, she seemed to be quite sleepy, it was early morning after all.
—No —she said as she sat on my bed— it's just that ... I've never liked sleeping alone."
—But you weren't alone in ...
—Yes —Meriel said, interrupting me— but ... I don't have to be anymore, I'm with you now, you'll take care of me, right?"
Listening to her made my cheeks turn red, of course, it would, but I knew that's frowned upon by everyone, so I replied.
—But ... I don't think it's appropriate for you to sleep with me ... it's not normal for a girl ...
But before I finished telling her, she turned and looked me straight in the eye, her sad gaze said more than a thousand words.
—Please —he said shyly— it will only be tonight.
After thinking about it a bit, I agreed to let her sleep in my bed, but I didn't tell her that I would sleep with her. I was thinking of laying on the floor for myself. But before getting up Meriel took me by the hand.
—No —Meriel said— stay with me ... please.
I lay down next to her again, Meriel smiled sweetly as she closed her eyes and fell asleep. Later that night I tried to do my laying again, but as I moved just a little, Meriel who was still asleep took me by the arm and clung to her, it seemed that she was not going to let me go so I stayed there. I turned to see her, she was holding onto my arm tightly. I could not stop looking at her face, I never saw something more beautiful in space, she looked even more tender asleep with her delicate feminine features and those pink lips, I never got to see her with a hint of makeup, her beauty did not deserve to be overshadowed with that dust ... but then.
—Don't see me while I'm sleeping —Meriel whispered out of nowhere.
—than!? —I exclaimed, scared— are you awake?
—Yes ... I dreamed that you were leaving and I woke up when I did so I noticed that you were getting up and I took your arm ... I'm sorry Alden, I didn't want to bother you.
I was really surprised, I never noticed that Meriel was awake. He turned back to see me as he released me little by little.
—If you want to do your laying, I understand Alden —he said, smiling slightly— you've already done too much to let me sleep here.
I took her hand and after thinking about it for a few moments I decided to stay with her.
—I won't leave you alone —I said quietly after laying down again.
Confidence returned to her face, I think deep down she expected that answer. She smiled again and slowly closed her eyes again until she fell asleep. Even though she told me it would only be for that night, falling asleep in my bed became routine, until eventually, I no longer had to ask permission to do it ...
I smiled again in the middle of the storm thanks to a memory of Meriel, that remembrance came in time, just before ... falling asleep ... even with some sand in my eyes.