I had hurt Lia.
That much I had known and felt. But it became even clearer when she wouldn't talk, sleep next to, or even share the same space as I.
It had been four days.
Four long days of emotional torture.
There were no greetings, kisses, and definitely no smiles for me; not even tightlipped ones. Sometimes she even skipped breakfast if it meant sharing the table with me despite her beautiful cooking. Only then did I realize how much of a mess and an idiot I was for pulling that stunt.
I swear I missed that girl's smiles and her silent snores. They always were among my reasons for happiness.
Times like this I even missed her intolerable grumpy self; something I would have preferred over this torturous silent treatment shit.
**********
Today, she had left early just as she did in the past three days. It was evidently just another day of emotional distress, hence I decided to skip work, being the boss of my company and all.
I wanted to do the cleaning, ensure everything from the kitchen to laundry was in order. And later on, I would get her as many flowers as I could.
Maybe if I bought as many as I could find, then maybe she would smile at my desperation, and I would get to see the smile I had so long wished for.
I cleaned the house and in the process found myself in the guest room. The very room my Lia lay her perfect body for the night instead of beside me. Laying low on my ego, I decided it wouldn't be that bad, considering I had to handle the whole household.
Scared as I was, I had already decided on the commitment and I never backed out of commitments.
The first thing I saw was her hideous pile of papers, things that she seemed to cherish more than me, even though the very idea got me jealous and happy at the same time. I didn't mind competing with papers for her love, after all, I was the one who had screwed up.
I tried to hold myself back, to keep my fingers to myself, but what caught my eye was the sheet that dated back to four days ago.
The day I made my greatest mistake, the day that would keep haunting me even more days later.
Who even invented weekends? I'm beginning to think the guy knew one of those weekends would have to witness my worst fear live through.
Such were the days that I wished I was a baby. Goodness knows forever would be hell if she did not forgive me and a man could only hope for a fair punishment despite the crime being heinous, but was it really?
Fear coursed through my veins as I was scared of knowing just how much she hated me at the moment. But then again I was not used to going through her things, today was just a necessary coincidence.
My only prayer at the moment was her not coming home only to find me rummaging through her stuff. I took the paper guiltily anyway and began reading it.
**************
"I watched her straddle him but assumed it was harmless.
I watched his eyes fixed on her, and I forced myself to think she had a stain and that he wanted to tell her.
I watched him kiss her neck, and I disbelievingly thought she had turned abruptly and that his lips accidentally met her neck. But then he satisfactorily looked at me as he placed another kiss on her ear.
It was as if he was doing all that intending to hurt me or to prove something else, and knowing Alex, he probably had a plan to avenge himself for what he had seen me do.
So I looked away, with the hope that I had had too much to drink. And I looked back at him, and then at her.
My eyes would later on trail to their hands just to find his fingers trapped in hers.
I roughly rubbed my eyes because the hallucinations were now becoming too much. I mean I just had three bottles which are way less compared to the usual five and besides, I was not lightheaded, not yet. But they were gone when I was done attempting a sober up.
So I went to look for him to explain that my past stole a kiss from me. That he had surprised me with the kiss and that had Alex stayed a little longer, he would have known what actually happened. I looked everywhere for him and with my conscience playing stupid games with me, I decided to check the house.
I saw him with her, headed upstairs.
Then I thought, maybe he was taking her to sleep being the hot gentleman that he was.
I watched him struggle with the keys and finally open our bedroom door. And he deviously looked at me, daring me to say anything or even guilt-trip him.
With one last look, he dragged her through to our bed. I watched him shut the door to my face, but I was numb and could not move.
I got myself listening to their loud sounds of pleasure that even the loud music downstairs and outside could not swallow.
I had only wanted to say sorry, to apologize for a mistake that was not even mine but instead he shoved my apology down my throat and I had to choke on it.
I wanted to cry but I could not. Wanted to bang and break the door and get them out of our bed, but I could not even make another step. Silently sliding down the wall, and too scared to make a sound, I was stranded.
When I came out of my shock, the tears finally came. The pain of a breaking heart was too much to handle, with every memory of what happened earlier busting my brain and with me having no valid escape. I wished for amnesia, but it could not suffice.
I wished a lot of things, but it seemed my body was done fighting for me, so I let the loud music drown me and slept, on the cold floor.
Only heaven knows whoever was kind enough to take me to our guestroom, considering the person who swore to take care of me was in the next room banging who knows who."
**************
I was guilty and very angry, so angry that I almost broke the tables in the guest room but I had to stop myself and remember just how much damage I had done to my woman already.
I had messed my love. I had let my anger take over, and more than anything, I had made her cry which was unforgivable.
What was I supposed to do with this beautiful girl who unknowingly had me wrapped around her fingers? Was she really that naïve to realize I would never cheat on her with anybody? That she was my heaven and hell? That only she could make me go on my knees if she wanted me to and that she could give me just about any order and I would gladly do as she wished?
Did she really not know that she was my beginning and end? And that I would willingly take on any punishment she deemed fit for me?
However, I couldn't blame her for feeling this way, because even I couldn't believe I did that, to her, the love of my miserable life.
Initially, my memory was jarred but today I had all of it.
Everything that happened that night, I could remember.
************
Flashback (Four nights ago)
I stole glances at her when I kissed that girl's neck, hell I don't even remember her name. Stupid yeah, I know. Lia looked at me disbelievingly but I ignored her. I can swear I only wanted her to feel the way I felt when that idiot ex-boyfriend of hers forced a kiss on her. Yes, I knew he forced himself on her.
I dragged the girl to our room and shut it on Lia's face, but not before she saw how deep my kiss with the lady was. Or so I thought as I could not see anything clearly, with anger and a thirst for revenge filling my insides.
I looked at the girl on our bed, she was hot but my love was perfect. I couldn't do what we came to do. Instead, we sat and talked while we faked moans and groans. Which came out easy given I was almost blackout drunk.
Even in my pathetic state, I could not bed another woman.
Lia had invaded my thoughts and conscience. She was everything I could think of, and the thought of losing her was way too much.
The lady beside me saw my struggles and claimed she had a reputation to hold and I wanted to hurt Lia. Knowing Lia, I half-expected the door to be blown when we faked the moans. Instead, we heard her sniffles.
Damn, I really wanted to comfort her, but the girl beside me told me it was not the best time and that I could just make the situation worse. I did not even know why, but I listened to her. Besides I had nothing to lose, she was just another stranger. So we stayed in for two hours.
Two whole hours of fake touches, moans, orgasms, and fake everything.
Two hours of listening to my love cry her heart out till she fell asleep on the floor. I even thought I was getting sick.
My latest behaviors brought out a part of me that I never knew existed.
I remember talking to the lady, but most of the conversation I could not remember. It did not seem to bother me though what we had talked about with the mystery lady. I snapped and kicked the lady out which surprisingly did not shock her. The lady left with a mischievous smile playing on her lips, maybe she was just flirting with me.
I had to tuck my woman in the guest room because knowing my love, she would really be disgusted following what we pretended to be doing. Some of the many reasons I loved her prudence.
Getting her into bed, I thought of the many ways that I could seek her forgiveness though I had no idea how.