"Don't," a quiet voice murmured against his hair. Arms enveloped him from behind, which would usually send him into a blind panic, now felt safe and secure.
Tight enough to stop his actions, loose enough to let him know that he was not being attacked.
Takumi stared at the knife in his hand. The cut on his left arm. Blood dripped.
It reminded him with startling clarity about what he was going to do next. Where the knife was meant to draw and slice.
A mental picture forming in his mind of the handiwork which would ensue. A web of red lines.
Takumi dropped the knife and screamed.
Akira didn't tell him to stop. He just held him and didn't let him collapse. Takumi didn't know how long he was screaming unintelligible words. As if he had woken up from a nightmare to find himself in another harrowing dream.
"...I don't..I don't know w-why.." he finally choked out the words when his voice grew hoarse.
"Breathe, Takumi."
He inhaled and, on an exhale, felt his weight gave way.
Akira carried his limp body and settled him on the couch.
Takumi found his hands entwined with Akira's.
Slowly, his breath steadied and the room which had swirled before started to focus.
"I'll be right back."
Takumi nodded woodenly and barely noticed as Akira picked up the knife and disappeared. He couldn't seem to feel the cut on his arm either.
When Akira returned, he sat down on the coffee table opposite Takumi with a first aid kit.
Gently, he took Takumi's arm and began ministering the wound.
Takumi winced when the antiseptic was applied.
"Not deep. That's good," Akira commented.
Guess he didn't try hard earlier, Takumi thought. He watched as Akira carefully dabbed the antiseptic over the wound and bandaged it.
The numbness ebbed. Then a sudden surge of emotions he couldn't begin to describe.
Tears formed at the corners of his eyes.
"Thank you," he whispered when Akira returned his arm.
"You're welcome."
"H-how did you get in?" Takumi wondered.
Akira packed up the first aid kit. "The door didn't close. We'll check tomorrow if we need to change the bandage."
Takumi nodded.
"Should I call anyone?" Akira asked.
"No. Please. Not now." Takumi looked down. Especially not his family.
"Okay." Akira seemed to understand. He reached out and ruffled his hair. "I'll stay here with you today."
"I won't do anything stupid. I promise." Takumi knew that his voice was small and that probably gave zero reassurance. He didn't want Akira to feel responsible for him when he had just saved Takumi from committing self-mutilation.
"You need someone to look after you." A slight smile. "For today, anyway."
He would like that very much. The hand ruffling his hair now felt so nice. The calm warmth which always emanated from Akira.
He risked a tiny smile too.
"Good," Akira whispered and then took the glass of water next to the first aid kit and handed it to him. "Drink up."
A sense of déjà vu. The first time they met.
Takumi drank the glass and then laughed almost hollowly. "You're always saving me. I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry," Akira told him. "You're important to me."
Takumi stared at him in surprise.
He said it without any embellishment of gestures. An even tone and expression.
Takumi's heart split and welded. The tears threatened to fall.
"I want to tell you," he decided.
Akira frowned. "Only if you want-"
"Everything," Takumi grounded it out and looked at him sharply, pleading.
Akira held his gaze and nodded.
Takumi let out a breath and looked away again, not seeing what was in his line of sight.
"I've always known to be careful. When you look like a doll, people either treat you like glass or they want to own you. It didn't bother me when I was a kid. Just don't talk to strangers, don't do anything stupid and never be alone in any new places. It was going fine until I was twelve."
He took another swallow of water. "My family...we don't talk about it. It wasn't supposed to happen."
Akira waited silently.
The knot in his stomach twisted with a vengeance. But Takumi continued, "I have two brothers. Both older. Wataru is the second in the family. He is...was…normal. Not a freaking genius like Daisuke, he's the eldest. Not like me."
The memories, now an odd haze, made him laugh bitterly. "At first, I thought they were just pranks. A dead mouse in my bed. Laxative in my water bottle. I confronted him but he just laughed it off. Then it got creepy. He…started to watch. All the time. He'd stare at me the moment I arrived at home. He'd wait outside the showers in my room. I started locking my doors. I told my mother but it was no use."
"What?" Akira asked with a frown.
"She said that he was looking out for me. He was sixteen then so he must have been just being a big brother," Takumi said woodenly.
Before Akira could say anything else, he soldiered on because he would never be able to otherwise.
"One evening, he knocked on the door of my bedroom. No one was home. I told him to go away but he apologized. Said he was sorry for being so mean. That he was going away to boarding school so he wanted to make it up to me before he leaves."
Takumi could hear his voice growing smaller.
"I believed him. I let him in. So stupid. So fucking stupid."
"You weren't," Akira denied strongly.
Takumi couldn't register the words. He remembered every single second. From the minute Wataru closed the door behind him.
A word of apology which had Takumi breathed a sigh of relief. He was so sincere.
He smiled and accepted it. This was his brother after all.
Suddenly, something in Wataru changed. Before he knew it, Takumi had a hand clamped over his mouth. Shock rendered him immobile.
When he snapped out if it and started to fight back, Wataru had his mouth gagged with a scarf. Pushed Takumi into bed.
"H-he tied me up. In bed. And-and..." Takumi choked.
The panic rose in his throat. Until now, he could still feel the crawl on his skin. His head being pulled back to force his mouth to open. The sweaty palms imprinted all over.
"Takumi," Akira said urgently and clasped his shoulders.
Takumi flinched away, out of reflex more than anything else. Akira dropped his hands immediately.
"He did everything! Made me do everything!" he was now screaming again. "And he would have fucking raped me if-if"
He broke into a weak but hysterical laughter. "If my father hadn't walked in on us."
That was possibly the worst moment in the entire nightmare. His father pulled Wataru off and hit him so hard that it sent Wataru flying across the room.
At first, Takumi felt relief and gratitude. He wanted to hug his father for comfort.
But the moment his father turned his gaze to him, that died instantly.
A silent judgment of disgust and accusation. The senior Matsumoto untied the restraints, threw a blanket over him and ordered him to get dressed.
He hauled a disoriented Wataru out of the room.
Takumi didn't see his father after that for a long time.
"He should rot in hell."
Akira's voice, often so calm, now contained such cold fury that Takumi looked up at him in surprise.
To see that there was only anger and protectiveness.
"I s-saw him today. At the family home," he said shakily. "He was in an institution after-after that. But my parents had him released."
"Fucking idiots," Akira muttered under his breath.
The lack of any respect shown towards his parents almost made Takumi smile.
He felt a surge of emotion for the man before him, aware that Akira was close but careful not to touch him.
He was also so tired and so torn. He wanted Akira to take him into his arms and hold him. At the same time, coupled with his torrid display, Takumi almost couldn't bear to look at him.
"I-I am going to my room. Need to be alone," he managed. "Please u-use the guest bedroom."
It was sudden and awkward.
Nevertheless the easiest path. Takumi didn't know where to begin sorting out his emotions.
Akira studied him for a moment. He nodded.
xxxxxxxx
Akira woke up to noises. His watch showed an ungodly hour in the morning.
He wiped his face and was momentarily confused as to where he was. The events from the day before rushed to his mind.
He didn't dare to go to bed the night before until he was certain that Takumi was asleep.
A surge of anger at the crime committed on Takumi. A fierce need to protect the other man, who was so fragile underneath that hardened exterior.
He got up and went out of the bedroom quickly when more sounds echoed. Metal and water.
In the kitchen, he stared in surprise.
Takumi looked up from the hob and flashed him an uncertain smile. "I thought I could make us something to eat."
"Right." Akira noted fried eggs and tomatoes on the table. Takumi seemed to be finishing the sausages in the pan.
When he scooped them onto the plates, they looked slightly burnt.
Akira sole concern was how withdrawn and careful Takumi's eyes were. The timidity in his voice which was unlike him.
"You have food in the fridge?" he asked lightly.
"I usually do. I just never seem to do anything with them," Takumi admitted sheepishly. "S-shall we eat?"
"I'll wash my face first," Akira said.
He did quick work washing his face. When he returned to the kitchen, Takumi was sitting at the table, with two cups of coffee ready as well.
"You like yours with milk, right?"
"Yes. Thanks for this." Akira sat down opposite him.
"No problem."
They started eating in silence. Takumi was obviously nervous and he avoided looking at Akira directly.
Akira waited with patience. He understood. The shame and guilt which came with the confession. The uncertainty of how others would look at you, be it pity or discomfort.
People didn't like knowing ugliness.
He wasn't most people but Takumi had no way of knowing that.
Finally, Takumi began awkwardly, "About yesterday. It's between the two of us right?"
"Of course," Akira swore.
"What happened. You don't need to..I mean…if you're disgusted, I get it," Takumi's voice grew smaller. He stopped eating and stared at his plate.
Akira put his cutlery down and said firmly, "Look at me, Takumi."
Sad, beautiful eyes rose slowly and met his.
"Do I look disgusted?" Akira asked and held his gaze steady.
Takumi blinked. He whispered, "No."
Akira wanted to pull Takumi into his arms and hold him tightly, never to let anyone or anything hurt him. To tell him that everything will be alright.
That would be a lie. In reality, nightmares never truly disappear.
He chose honesty instead.
"There will be bad times. It may never go away completely. But I'll always be here for you when it happens."
There was a moment of silence as Takumi stared at him and glanced away, as if digesting his words. Then he turned his look at Akira again.
Something he said changed Takumi's lost expression.
"You mean it?" he whispered.
Akira nodded in a silent vow.
A smile formed on Takumi's face. Tentative and hopeful.
"I'll always be there for you too," he told Akira almost shyly. But there was finally a light in his eyes.
Akira smiled.
"Deal."