The human body can take quite a bit of punishment before it gives out. As long as the spirit keeps pushing the body will try to follow. Once the soul surrenders the fire to keep going the fight is all but lost. A body can learn to knit itself back together if given a chance. Some cannot find it themselves in themselves to move in from the injury. Trauma fires one's soul and it can either temper it, or shatter it completely. If even if the body survives, the individual doesn't always come back, they live a shadow of who they once were. I lived in as a shadow for years after I broke, in some ways, I still am. My family transformed me into the man I am today. They did this by breaking me beneath their boots, breaking me, and leaving me for dead.
Across the left side of my face, a deep puckered scar in the shape of a crescent runs from my temple, down to the edge of my jaw. My left eye droops strangely after it was crushed by my father. To this day the leg they broke drags as I walk, useless. The right half of my body looks much as it did before. It is strong and unmarred, whereas my left side is still crumpled from the beating I took.
Thinking back it was such a simple mistake that caused my entire family to disown me.
Last Summer, I rode out to our fields to check on the wheat that we planted there at the beginning of the season. After riding down the dust-covered path I arrived to see that the grain flourished. The season has brought ample amounts of rain to nourish the crop. Dismounting my mare I waded into the waist-high wheat as it swished around me. I made my way towards the east property line where I knew Michael would be waiting for me as we previously agreed. As he came into my view he threw me one of his insanely bright and kind smiles that filled me with warmth. I can't claim to know what it feels like to love. But at his smile, I was sure that this exact feeling was what poets I've spent centuries trying to describe.
As I walked up to him he called out "what took you so long? I was beginning to think you wouldn't come!" he swept his auburn hair out of soft brown eyes.
" Unlike you, I actually have things I needed to finish today" I joked back as I felt my face light up with a warm smile
Michael rolled his eyes and said "well still, it took you long enough. Take this!" with that he tossed me a water skin. The hot summer day had made me thirsty, so I took a gulp. The familiar burn of ale coerced down my throat as he laughed. Joining in his laughter, I grabbed his hand and ran off. I pulled him down the sloping hill of the field towards the edge that met with a strip of forest. Michale and I ran easily through the familiar terrain. Before long we came up to a large pond surrounded by several large, flat rocks. The bright summer sun made the entire clearing glow. The whole area radiated peace and comfort. This clearing was where Michael and I spent most of our free time together and it was my favorite place to be.
The two of us ran over to the edge of the lake and began to kick off our boots. The hot sun beating down on us made me even more excited to dive into the cool pond. I was just yanking my shirt over my head as Michael had already lept into the water, splashing me as he hit the surface. I wanted to scowl as my clothes became soaked from his antics, it actually just made me want to jump in even stronger.
Kicking off my trousers, I followed him and jumped in after him. The water instantly refreshed me from the thick August heat. As I broke back through the surface of the water I felt a rush of exhilaration. I felt like I was invincible and everything in the world was perfect. A small laugh bubbled up in my throat as I spread out my limbs to float at the surface of the water.
"What's got you in such a good mood?" Michael asked, swimming up next to me.
"I don't know. It's just one of those days where life feels right" I turned my head to look at him and my breath caught in my throat. His wavy Auburn hair was soaked, causing water to run down his freckled cheeks, and his eyes looked a deeper blue. This sight made my heart flutter inside of my chest.
"Dorian, to you the world view is always so bright. You could find the bright side to a plague" Michael snorted, splashing at me and swimming away.
"Well what's wrong with that? There's a lot of beauty in this world if you can learn to look past your nose." My eyes found their way over to where he was swimming. I thought of how true those words applied to Michael himself. His cheekbones were high and delicate, and pale skin with freckles dotted his nose and cheeks. Michael was the most beautiful person I'd ever seen. This fact was very difficult to admit to myself, but it's true.
On this particular day, I felt as though my feelings for him were going to burst outside of me. I couldn't find the strength to keep it in anymore. I had to tell him, I just had no idea how to. It wasn't what I was taught to do, and it wasn't what I expected to do. I was the youngest son in a family of merchants. This means I was meant to marry a woman from the most influential family that I could. Form a relationship that would benefit the family business. Love was not a factor to be considered. And love to a man was not even to be imagined. My feelings were something that crept up on me slowly, and wrapped itself around my heart. Before I even realized it, I had fallen victim to a love not allowed. Knowing the expectations I was to follow, I decided long ago that these desires were better left unexplored and unspoken. However, after months of shoving them away, my feelings had only grown to be unbearable.
Floating on my back I let my thoughts run wild, about what to say and all the different ways my confession could go. More likely than not he would reject my feelings. I can only hope that we would be able to move beyond this after the fact.
Some time passed before I decided that stalling would do little to change things.
"Let's eat something, I'm starving" I spoke up nervously. my voice shook slightly, and before he even had a chance to answer me I began to swim towards the shore. Before I knew it I was on land. I hurriedly pulled on my trousers And made my way to where our packs had been unceremoniously tossed.
"Dorian, what in the name of the gods has gotten into you?" Michael asked as he pulled on my pants and walked over to where I had sat down. He looked at me, his brows wrinkled together in concern. He could tell that something was off then. I was hoping that my action wouldn't come across as abrupt as they felt.
"I just haven't had anything to eat today that's all" I quickly said in an attempt to excuse my abrupt behavior. His worried gaze still fixed on me.
After a few seconds, he sighed "well alright then, let's eat" Michael reached into his bag and pulled out our meal. Michael handed me an apple, a wedge of hard cheese, and ripped a loaf of bread in half for us to eat. The bread smelled absolutely wonderful. However, all the scent did was make my stomach twist inwards in itself.
Taking the food he offered I murmured a faint thanks. In my head, I tried how to bring the topic of my feelings for him up in conversation. After a few moments, I decided that there probably wasn't a way to smoothly bring up the unorthodox idea. I, a male, had fallen in love with my closest friend, another male. It was an affection that should never have happened according to the teachings of the gods. However, these feelings were not something I ever found myself choosing. Instead, it grew slowly and without my consent. My feelings for Michael grew no matter how I denied them or tried to ignore their strength.
"Dorian, what are you doing? Stop!" Michael exclaimed, grabbing my hand.
With a jolt, I snapped out of my thoughts and looked down. While I was trying to work out how to tell Michael I had been working my bread with my fingers and I had destroyed it. Now that he had my attention he removed his hand from mine and instead placed it on my shoulder, turning me to face him. I tried my best to ignore how his hand made my bare shoulder burn and made my heart race even faster.
"What is going on with you today? You're beginning to worry me Dor" His voice soft, laced with even more concern. So there was no avoiding this then.
"Have you ever been in love?" I blurted. Silently I cursed myself for fumbling for words despite spending hours thinking. No matter how many times I thought through this there wasn't a good answer.
"I can't say that I'm sure that I have, why do you ask? Has some girl stolen your heart away, is that all this is?" Michael laughed.
"Well someone has caught my eye" I admitted hesitantly, careful not to give away too much.
Michael jolted back slightly. He drew his hand back with surprise written clearly across his face. Clearly that was not the answer he had been expecting.
Before I lost what little resolve I'd scraped together I spoke again. My voice shook as I spoke "This person is very important to me, and I don't want to lose their friendship"
The concern on his face was replaced with confusion. Nervously I watched as he tried to piece together who this person could be. After all, I spent my days either with my family or with him. After a moment Michael groaned while he smacked his hands to his face and fell back onto the rock
"Why do you always have to be like that?" Michael groaned.
"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked, feeling slightly indignant at the annoyed tone that tinged his voice.
"You never just come out and say what it is that's on your mind. You're always holding something back Dor."
I swallowed hard, trying to get the words that I've been dying to say to him to come out of my mouth, but words seem. My heart started thumping as I realized what I was about to do. Taking a deep, shaking breath I turned to face Michael. His hair had fallen down, covering his powdery blue eyes. Forcing myself to move before I lost what little courage I had. Moving ever so slowly, I reached out my hand and covered his that he had propped himself up with. Drawing in one last, shaking breath I moved quickly and pressed my lips to his.