"I tried to show you I love you, ain't gotta show nothin' no more, must want me to run behind you? I ain't doing no running no more!"

I listened to Kevin's raspy voice blast through my speakers. Listening to this song I know I hurt him but I couldn't stop listening to it. Hearing him speak his truth makes me wonder whether I made the right decision or not. As toxic as our relationship was it wasn't all bad, given most times we let outside energy influence us, me more than him.

I met Kevin back in 2013 I was only eighteen then and he was twenty. I wouldn't say it was love at first sight but when I saw him I knew nothing could keep me from that man. We met at a gas station, he was just as infatuated with me as I was with him I don't think either of us actually got gas or bought anything that day.

There he stood by what I assumed to be his car watching me walk into the store. He followed me in soon after.

"Excuse me" I looked up and was greeted with a big diamond filled smile. Kevin always kept a diamond grill in his mouth. I smiled back and said " can I help you" to which he replied "I saw you outside and thought you were really beautiful I would like to get your number?" I let out a small giggle like a school girl then gave him my number.

He followed me around the store for a while as we talked. After about five minutes we each left with the promise of him texting me the next day.

Staying true to his word Kevin text me the next day asking when I would be available for a date. Being a full time worker and a full time college student studying psychology, I let him know that my schedule was pretty tight. To my surprise my busy schedule didn't deter him at all. I was on break in between classes and on the way to my car a cherry red Range Rover pulled up beside me and blew it's horn. The windows were tinted so I couldn't see inside. The window slowly rolled down and I was greeted by the same diamond smile I was hypnotized by a week earlier.

"Don't tell me you already trying to avoid me Nyla"

I laughed " No sir I just get really busy" He gave me a long look then unlocked his car doors. "Get In we getting lunch" One thing I fell in love with first was his voice it was very raspy yet calm with a slight country drawl.Knowing I didn't have anything to do and I had a hour and a half before my next class I happily obliged.

Long story short one date led to another and we were officially a couple 2 months later. Things were great in the beginning as they always are, but with exes and Kevin's career starting to take off things got hectic. He was around less and less and his time was split between so many responsibilities.

One night he came home from a performance and reeked of the strongest perfume I think I've ever smelled. As any woman would I questioned him about it.

I stood with my arms folded across my chest watching him undress. He begged me not to argue but I didn't listen. It was 3am and he smelled like some bitch. I wanted answers and I wanted them fast I didn't give a damn about the time. I waited until he went to bed to look through his phone because my gut was telling he was lying.Come to think of it that was around the same time I found out that music wasn't Kevin's only "job"

Looking through his phone I didn't see any messages from any woman but the name Santiago stood out to me. I knew all his friends and he never mentioned a Santiago. I remember thinking It was probably a bitch but he changed the name. I opened the message and seen how wrong I was. All the messages were about shipments, stash spots and trap houses, that's when I realized he was a drug dealer.

I wondered why he wouldn't tell me. I wondered if that was why he comes home so late on top of traveling and performances.  Since he's kept this from me so long I don't think I'd believe he really did music if I hadn't already heard it. But why, the money he makes from his music is more than enough. After reading more messages I locked his phone and laid down. I wonder how long he's been doing this? Why is he doing this ? If he wasn't with a woman then who perfume is that on him? Shit just wasn't adding up.

I shook away that memory still listening to Kevin song. I remember when I found out I begged him to quit serving. We had more than enough money there was no reason that he had to. He didn't put up much of a fight at the time we were arguing a lot. So he did what he know would make me happy. The more I think back on it the more I realize how much he actually loved me.

"Santiago pick up the satellite phone I need you right now, you mi familia and I'm in tears and my heart is bleeding right now, said that he knew I be back cause all women are wicked and they only love they self "

That part hurts me every time, I wonder if he really thinks that of me. I hope not, but even if he did I couldn't blame him given what I did.he got so busy all the time. Not to sound like that type of person but a woman has needs. One night Kevin was gone and he'd been out all day. To keep from getting increasingly furious I decided to go out. I tried calling him to let him know I would be gone in case he beat me home. He never answered so a text had to suffice. We were about 3 years into our relationship at the time.

This is where Honor comes in.

Since Kevin was out I thought I'd go out myself. I didn't want to go out on my own but, my sister wasn't answering her phone so I got dressed and went to RoseGold a club in downtown Houston. Even though it was a club it had more of a bar atmosphere. Being that I only wanted a few drinks this was the perfect place to be. I paused for a minute after walking in looking around for a place to sit. The club wasn't to packed so I opted for a seat at the bar.

"What can I get for you" I looked over at the red headed bartender who stared back at me. She's pretty but she definitely needs a hairstylist to save her from that terrible box dye. I thought to myself. "Vodka and cranberry juice" I said fearing I might be looking a little too hard.

I looked around the club while the bartender made my drink. I was completely unimpressed by what I saw. Lace fronts lifting, mini dresses that should be retired, and niggas doing too much as usual.

"Thank you" I said to the bartender with a smile as she slid my drink towards me. Taking a sip from my drink I turn back around to see someone who did catch my eye and I caught his too.

Still sipping my drink I try to observe without looking like a weirdo. He looked to be a little older not old man old but I could tell he wasn't twenty two like me but, he didn't look much older than thirty. He wore a black tee with skinny jeans and I'm not talking those overly tight dick restricting jeans, I'm talking perfectly fit not too tight not too big with a Saint Laurent belt with the YSL letters in gold and, a pair of all black Alexander McQueen sneakers. My eyes left his outfit and went to his face, he was 90s Mekhi Phifer handsome. Dark chocolate skin with a pretty white smile. A shaved down beard framed his soft two toned lips. For a second I caught myself imagining them kissing my neck down to my toes. I noticed a faint scar on his cheek I wonder where it came from. My eyes traveled from his face to the gold Cuban link chain around his neck then down to his chest and from his chest down his toned arms to his diamond filled gold watch. It looked like a Patek Phillippe Rolex. Given how much those cost I wondered if it were real the way his diamonds shined when it would hit the light seemed real it didn't shine colors like fake jewelry tends to, it just shined.

He had a chill vibe. Not doing to much not showing out not being the nigga that has to be seen at all times. My heart fell to my ass when I noticed him walking towards me. Had he noticed me staring and was coming to check me.

"Is there something on my face?" He asked once he finally reached me. I sipped my drink again while simultaneously looking him in his eyes. They were dark brown so dark they looked black. "No, but I know what isn't." He leaned forward with both hands on the bar on either side of me now level to my face."Really? What might that be?" He asked I leaned toward his ear letting my lips brush softly against it. "My pussy" I whispered, leaning back in my seat I grabbed my drink and took the last sip watching him think of his reply.

He smirked and stared at me for a long minute, he pulled out his phone. After fidgeting with it he grabbed my hand gently helping me from my seat "Lets fix that" He said leading me out the club to his all black hummer in the parking lot.

That was the start of something I would soon come to regret.