Love…
Who had never felled in love or been loved in this world?
I've been in love. No, I'm still in love, my feeling is still very clear. In fact, I can barely survive without thinking and missing him every day. Nobody realized it as perhaps they were so insensitive or I really knew how to keep it a secret.
One of the most annoying things is when we can understand people, but no one understands us. Besides myself, I also couldn't predict a person who always shattered my defenses, I could never understand him no matter how hard I tried. He is really out of my reaching.
Without knowing facts, most people deduce everything based on their superficial perspective; I have never been in love and waited for a perfect mankind. Of course that's wrong, but they chose to believe it.
Being difficult to fall in love does not mean impossible to be fallen in love. I'm not that cold, even much more different from their prejudices; I might be a bit melancholic. Being introvert and trying to deal with problems by myself, I'm just being comfortable that way since I hate being interrupted by people with their nagging.
In case of love, I also chose to remain silent and immerse those feelings deeply inside, so that no one will realize it. Confessing your love is not always be the best choice. Sometimes, love confession without any consideration creates a distance between you and the person whom you love.
However, If the honesty makes you more comfortable, then let be honest with no expectation so it won't hurt you too much.
Love is not a feeling which is easily to overcome. I know how it was, loving someone without any courage to be honest, then protracted with the same feeling for the same person. Therefore, the thing I fear the most is to be loved as I will make someone disappointed once again at the end.
Although I don't want to disappoint anyone by acting arrogant, I knew it's impossible. There is no negotiation between heart and heart. People can't change their hearts the way they want and take the beautiful flower path while holding someone's hand who loves them without feel the same feeling.
People often act foolishly by ignoring someone who love them for chasing the love of their beloved ones instead. And l also can't be kicked out from that stupidity.
Sometimes, I can't easily deal with my tumbling heart. Even though, I have been busied with various activities and routines, I still can't get away from that trap.
Although, I have tried to give my all attention to my research project, immersed with various in-campus and off-campus activities, this love still devastate my peaceful days. This love increased wildly and almost ruined my sanity.
When love flares up and overflows to my heart, I can't tell anyone. There is none of my closest people who I can be depended on, neither family nor my squad, even they really close to him. I could not predict their reaction; obstruct or support me. My pride also does not allow them to be involved because I can't accept love without honesty.
Falling in love with someone whom really familiar to them, perhaps my family will support me. On the other hand, I was afraid that my feelings would destroy our very harmonious family relationship. So, I chose to be silence and kept it a secret.
Sometimes, my parents occasionally mentioned his name. Instantly, my defense almost faltered, the longing which raged within me almost overflowed out.
I don't know when it all started, maybe from the start. The comfortable feeling since we used to be together almost of time and received his good attention.
At first, I just got used to it, then it changed to be something more strange. Everything became clearer after his departure; something was missing in me and I felt empty for no reason.
The comfortable feeling being a younger sister who always relies on his brother, is a perfect disguise. In fact, I was fooled by myself, being fooled for so long. Before that, I had never thought that he was the man whom I loved with all of my heart.
All memories ensnared me mercilessly, brought the ambiguity in interpreting reality and hope, then turning into the complexity which ran out wildly and slowly damaged my logic.