Ten years, I have been through all torturing turmoils. In the initial phase, the first three years, I was overwhelmed with many questions which were unanswered.
For the student who beginning to adapt the teenage ages, of course, it was hard to get used with the feeling called "love". Those years closed by a conclusion; Feeling empty after losing someone who was always been there for us is normal.
The next three years, I began to realize there were many changes which happened in my life, there was something different with my feeling. I began to understand and accept that chaotic feeling called love; love is a natural experience that all teenagers will go through, a temporary interest towards someone which will disappear after time has passed.
The next three years changed like the wind. Nothing has changed, I'm still thinking about the same person without any doubt. Nine years have passed, my feeling towards him should be slowly disappeared in the air.
Once again, I didn't find an answer why those feelings still persisted. Logic starts wavered, there is no harmony remains between heart and brain.
The confidence which I had been building up, instantly decaying and breaking down. I blamed all these mistakes on him in silence; not infrequently I am swept away in a dilemma and oscillate between loving and hating him at once.
It's really tiring, sometimes I want to give up on my ego and self-esteem, then beg my Father and Mother, or one of them to arrange an arranged marriage between him and me, or secretly choose him to be my future husband.
However, I chose to protect my pride since I couldn't compromise and overcome any rejection. So far, I'm still a person with an outstanding image.
***
These days, I have become even more annoyed since his name is often turned out to be topics of my parents' conversation. Recently, my Mother visited his family, who has lived in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, for almost 10 years.
My mother hasn't changed, she still admires Sayed Ryan Idroes. Indeed, Ryan is amazing, even has titled as a specialist doctor at a very young age, 27 years old.
Although our family frequently visited each other, but he has never returned since his departure as he continued his study in one of high schools in London, then pursued his higher education at Cambridge University.
I also never went to Malaysia or England to visit him on holiday because I didn't want to be hurt by him; didn't want to be stunned for the second time, didn't want to be disturbed by his presence anymore.
Without visiting him, my peace, my emotion was unstable too because of his traces which still in my mind. Even though a decade has passed, I haven't been able to obliterate his traces and all memories about him which are always sweet to be remembered.
I just want to hold on to him as a history that someone has been there and accompanied me through the saddest days because of the most precious people of mine passed away.
Then, I ignored all forms of communication from Ryan; never responded to e-mails and all letters which sent by him. Although I have to admit, I read every single word so that I update all about his current situations even before hearing them from my parents.
There must be something wrong with me. I decided to get rid of him in my mind, but I did the contrast action instead. Even though I never responded, I liked all the letters, even re-reading them when I'm dying missing him.
Right, it is a foolish action, but who can overcome the longing. These stupid actions keep his presence lodged in my heart.
I was good enough to fool myself because I didn't like to build any hope just for being disappointed. I won't allow anyone to act arbitrarily and break my wings. Indeed, extraordinary determination which was never realized. Despite trying hard, love is not something that can be controlled.
Every time I received an update from him, my whole life being disturbed. There is a deep longing, a great desire to reply to all the letters. But, I held it well in spite of being tortured. Take a step away when I want to be two steps closer. I have a chaos that is difficult to describe.
Lately, everything has seemed strange, many things disturbing my peace. My life changed drastically, everything became more difficult to control. I lost the old version of me. This longing really makes me tired, but the ego forces me to keep the pain of longing.
***
Seventh semester which drained my brain and energy helped me divert my heart. Kept busy with various routines and assignments, filled my spare time by enjoying hobbies and volunteering activities; these are ways to be in the exhaustion situation. Being exhausted assist me clear my mind and sleep earlier.
That's how my days passed for the past few years. I still receive news and update from him, though not as often as before. He not only wrote, but also enclosed a number of photographs which frame him in several Europe cities he visited; he stated that the photos were taken by his best friend who would like he introduces to me one day.
Although Ryan told me everything through his letter and showed me the beautiful view of cities I wanted to visit, I never sent a reply. I wish I have ended this ego and silly fear. Either now or then, I laugh at my ridiculousness, my life is like a joke.
Just once, I want to be brave; permitting my heart to be broken by someone who will do it, waiting someone who should be waited, letting go someone who should be gone. In the end, I was just a coward who never had the courage to face the reality. I always avoid, so nothing has changed.
Perhaps, he will only become the history, both then and now. Yes, a sweet history which I will remember for my lifetime.
***