Today is the fifth of march, officially one month away from my birthday. Oh, my godforsaken birthday! I did not miss you, bastard!
There is this dilemma happening in my head, on one end I'm looking forward to becoming an adult and getting far away from this haunting and daunting town. However, on the other end, I'm terrified. What if me going to look for my father isn't ideal, what if Mrs. Robinson won't let me leave? That is quite likely to happen, you never know what that woman can be plotting in that mind of hers.
I was glancing out through the diamond-shaped window in the loft, where my view consists of crops and more crops. I hate this view it gives me no satisfaction and no motivation to continue my poem-collection journey.
I try my best to write it all out, to write in different ways, and express myself well since all the famous poets do so. Such as, "Gottfried Benn". He is my only motivation and my one true inspiration. I dream of being so expressive as he was, but these are only dreams! Who am I to think that I, this pathetic rape victim who cannot stand up for himself, will become so big!
Quite a laugh I must say. I'm just a pathetic person who will join the rest of the earth's pathetic and depressed scumbags, nothing big will ever come out of me. Bella always tells me that I shouldn't give up,
"you mustn't give up Frank, even though it may seem hard, if anyone can do it, it's you!"
Like she even has the slightest idea, Bella is a clever girl. She isn't like her father, however, when it comes to literature she is as dumb as a rock. However ask her to multiply ridiculously large numbers, she will do it in a split second.
She had to quit school when she turned thirteen, nevertheless, that didn't stop Bella from borrowing books and learning material in secret. Her father wants her to do "real-life's work", not those stupid numbers which won't get her anywhere. I disagree, but if he would ever find out about my hobbies, he would call Bella a genius compared to "the stupid and sensitive faggot" as he calls any boy who isn't "manly".
Now I am not saying that I care, however his words do sting a. I have always tried to be my best around Bella, be the cool and big guy, clinging onto the last bit of hope that maybe on one sunny day she glances at me romantically, and not as her stupid best-friend whom she pities.
2
Mrs. Robinson came into my room with a breakfast tray consisting of toast, eggs, and OJ. She didn't even say "good morning", she seemed like she was in a horrible mood. She walked over to the middle of the room, where there is a small dining table close to the wall. Beside the dining table, there are bookshelves hung on the wall filled with books of all kinds!
She threw the wooden tray on the old table causing it to shake and the OJ to spill all over the table.
She leaned on the table, her back facing me while she was letting out a big huff.
"Franklin, you would tell me if you were working right?"
"I don't understand what you're talking about Mrs ..."
"Damn it, Frank! Are you working at those Monroe's?" She exclaimed while slamming her fist on the table.
"Mrs. Robinson, what are you talking about, can you calm down?", I asked while walking closer to her to lay my hand on her shoulder. She immediately turned around with red eyes and a shivering bottom lip placing her hand on my cheek.
-Frank stop bullshitting with me, I have seen you many times sneak out. One time I followed you when I went out to get some wood and saw you run to their farm.", she said as she slapped me on my cheek firmly with; that gigantic farmer hand of hers.
"Why aren't you telling me that you're working? What, are you planning on leaving me now, Frank? Just because your legally an adult, I swear on my mother's grave I won't let you escape this barn until I die! What you will do is move in with me."
-What if I don't want to?
-I will shoot you