Whenever the moon shines its beautiful illumines light through my window, after Mrs. Robinson has buttoned up her shirt and leaves. I always look out and think, what would it be like to be normal for a day?
What would it be like to have a mother who takes care of you? That packs your lunch for you and calls you when she is worried about you? How would that scenario be played out?
I have always wanted to be looked after, and loved... It is something that I longed for throughout my entire life. I want to experience the wondrous wanderlust of love, and how it will be to live through it in my day-to-day life?! How would it be to go to the movies with a dad and bake cookies after with my mom when we come back? But there is one scenario I have always imagined and wondered upon, how would it be to visit my grandparents and get spoiled with their love and embraced with their care?
I hate pitying myself... It makes me appear weak! I know deep down I am wounded and I cannot believe the quote which says "the wounded are always the strongest".
That doesn't seem real to me, it appears like a figment of a person's imagination which tries to survive and shed light into the dark world which he or she has lived through. As if they are trying to justify the pain?!
I know that everyone experiences pain and lives through horrible events to harmonize with wonderful experiences. Yet, I must wonder. Where is my share on that? Where is my piece of pie? As the metaphor goes. Or am I the narcissist who expects too much of life? Being a naive teen?
I got up and drank some water while looking at the fireplace in the middle of the barn and wondering what would happen if I ran my hand or foot through it.
Would I feel pain? Would I get to experience something else than numbness? Would life appear emotional for once? Would my body experience feelings in a life full of numbness?! Numbness is a feeling. Yet, it is not a feeling, its a paradox I have sunk into throughout my entire life. It's a bottomless pit, at the end of the forest.
Maybe I should light a fire pit and jump into it and end it right here and now? Whilst everyone is fast asleep, therefore it would be done discreetly!? No one would miss me. My dire and nauseating life would end, finally, I would hit the red button and end it all! Maybe my father is not worth looking into?
Maybe I should put the green coat on and let us burn together while embracing each other Leave, and go? Never looking back?! What about Bella? She cannot stay alive in the world her father has built for her? Her father loves her. Yet, whenever he looks at her, he gets sad. He remembers Darlene, her mother and the love of his lonesome life. She was the only sunshine that truly shone.
I got up and started to lower my right foot inside the fire, my immediate reaction was pulling my foot away due to the autonym brain feeling pain. However, I decided to go against it, even though it hurt I had to feel something!
I lowered my foot closer and closer in the fire feeling my skin burning feeling it inch closer and my brain telling me to stop, yet, I cant. I can't help it.
I lowered my left foot inside the fire as well and slowly but surely both feet were standing inside the fire. My eyes were swelling up with tears and I was breathing heavily while the fire was reaching above my knees to my thighs now. I felt my flesh burning and my hands shaking, my breath hitching and every good memory to flash before my eyes, telling me there is more to life!
Feeling the burn marks form while sweat was trickling down from my forehead and the smell of burning flesh filling the room was an almost terrifyingly relaxing ecstasy. I felt as is I got a punishment I deserved for existing in this world. Burning myself alive was relaxing every nerve of my body shutting every form of mental pain. Causing my brain to focus on the physical pain and that caused me in a weird sense of relaxation. I have never felt this relaxed in my life...
This fireplace was an old fireplace, that had a small space where the fire would rest before it would reach the space under the pipe and burn. I lit the small area before the fireplace pit and stood there for about thirty minutes burning my lower body alive.
As I stepped out one foot at a time, every step I took hurt more and more. It pained me terribly to stand on the floor, yet I embraced the pain. It felt as if my skin was dry when I stood on the floor I felt every splinter and every nerve of my foot telling me to sit and lift my feet in the air. Yet that hurt as well when I sat down and did so.
Yet I was happy to finally got to experience something other than numbness and emptiness. Finally a new feeling, yet it is turning to be addictive. There is this urge inside me now which tells me to do this again. Whilst this time I should try sitting in the fire and letting the fire get to each body part and touching them to give me warmth through this cold and lonesome feeling which has control of my body. This urge tells me to let the fire embrace me. It is telling me that the relaxation I felt is irreplaceable.