Light flakes of snow fell gently through the icy air of the city of Arkenhill, located in the country of Breunia. A woman unaffected by the frigid temperature stood still; her feet dug through the white freezing snowfield. The little flakes reminded her of a past that caused suffering, which brought her to the current chaotic present. She lifted her pale hand and opened her fingers to catch a single delicate snowflake on her palm.
"Xena, we must leave. Now."
The woman by the name of Xena heard a man's voice echo through the emptiness of the surroundings. His voice trembled. She turned her head to search for the sound, but to no avail. She saw nothing.
"Xena, why don't you trust me for once. Please," she heard them once again. Panic filled Xena as she tried to look around. The voice was familiar—so familiar that it sent a sharp stabbing pain into her core. Sweat coated her pale face, and her lip trembled with fear. A gasp escaped from her mouth when she saw the familiar face of a man standing before her. Her eyes widened; her pupils dilated.
In one quick second, the white snowfield had turned into a red bloodbath. Bodies of men and women stacked upon each other with each of their faces dripping with blood. She closed her eyes because she felt disgusted by what she had seen. Silence filled the distant City of Arkenhill once again. She then gradually freed her eyes and faced the man in front of her. Xena's surroundings were now back to normal as if telling Xena that her mind had gone insane and everything was just a product of her hallucination.
"Sulien..." Xena's voice shook as she mumbled the man's name.
"Xena, why didn't you listen to me?" his words hit her like a truck and could not move after it. For a moment she felt joy; it lingered inside her after seeing him. Xena smiled gently. Tears welled in her eyes as she stared into her lover's intense blue orbs.
"You wouldn't understand," she stated.
Her throat stung as she tried to prevent her tears from raining down her pink tinted cheeks. The pain was almost too unbearable and gut-wrenching. Xena inched forward to hold Sulien's hand, but as soon as he disappeared in front of her she realized he was also only an illusion of her mind. Sulien is dead. Her lover has been dead for quite a while, and yet in Xena's mind—he is still very much alive. He still roams around her brain and keeps telling her things that slowly make her insane.
"Sulien! Show yourself," she pleaded as her feet took a few steps forward through the cold snow. Yet he failed to show up, and it angered Xena. How can he play with her mind so much? How can he whisper things into her head that drive her insane? Why? Why does he keep coming back? Whatever he's doing, it needs to stop.
After a few moments, Sulien reappeared in front of her once again. She furrowed her brows in anger.
"Stop it," Xena declared out loud. The bloodied clothes that Sulien wore left a few drops of the red liquid on the snow. A smile crept upon his face.
"Stop what?" Sulien grinned, while a mysterious look on his face showed.
"Stop appearing in my mind."
"Stop telling me I'm a monster," She gulped as she stared deeply into his eyes. Hearing his voice, even though he had already passed, makes Xena lose her mind.
"I need not tell you, Xena," Sulien countered.
"You know that yourself." The end of Sulien's lips curved up into a close-lipped smile. She shook her head, disagreeing with what he said.
"You're a monster. A vile and atrocious being," Sulien lashed out. His words rang inside her mind, and Xena covered her reddened ears and shut her eyes.
'No, don't listen. Don't listen to him,' she repeated the same phrase over and over again, but his words reiterated inside it like a broken record.
"You killed many people," Sulien's merciless words continued, while Xena's eyes remained shut.
"All I did was seek revenge."
"By killing the innocent?" he laughed and shot a glare at the woman in front of him.
"You're despicable." Xena's fingers trembled, and a fit of anger so destructive filled her.
"SHUT UP!" she pleaded once more. Her voice echoed through the desolate street of Arkenhill, leaving an eerie atmosphere around it.
"Disgusting…"
"Monster..."
"Die…"
"Die..."
A scream left her mouth as her knees fell weak to the ground. Xena was gasping for air. Sulien's painful words left a mark on her heart.
Why can no one understand her? Why must she be the one to suffer? She was just an innocent child when she lost everything.
The scream was a disruption to Sulien. Suddenly he stopped and said nothing else. She gradually opened her eyes—revealing the same empty street with no one else but her in it.
Xena lowered her head as she stared at the snow underneath and couldn't help but let out a chuckle.
'Maybe he was right,' Xena thought. Maybe Sulien was right that she is a monster. She had killed so many people that she couldn't even count how many. Maybe she 'is' a monster.
A monster that had gone through too much pain and suffering. A monster that only wanted happiness.
No matter how many lies she told herself, she was never happy.
No matter how many times Sulien tried to make her happy, it never happened.
Xena loved Sulien for his efforts and patience. He never gave up on her. And this realization acted as a wake-up call.
Xena realized that it wasn't Sulien who screamed those words at her. She also realized it wasn't Sulien who made her go insane. It was herself. Everything that he had said was a fraction of her mind. What he said reflected the thoughts she tried so hard to ignore.
Upon realizing, Xena felt something on her cheeks. It was a small droplet of tears. For the first time in a long time, she had finally dropped a few tears—genuine tears. What came out as a small droplet resulted in a never-ending stream of cries. Xena wailed, for the first time she let out all of her pain with her tears. She cried so much that her chest tightened inside.
Everything now made sense to her. She was a villain and will always be a villain as long as she's alive. Xena screamed and wailed. But no matter how much crying she did, it never took her pain away. Her eyes were now bloodshot red as she opened it.
Xena looked around, but her head throbbed with pain. After a few seconds, her vision slowly blurred. She grunted in pain; the head throbbing increased. It was so painful that she couldn't move an inch. Xena lied down on the snow as her breath quickened with every gasp for air.
Her eyes gravitated towards the falling flakes of snow. The longer she stared at it, the calmer she felt on the inside. A faint smile appeared on Xena's face. She thought she must make a choice: a choice whether or not to stay alive.
She knew that the longer she lived, the more pain and chaos she would cause. But it seems as if she already made the choice the moment they killed her parents. Xena took a deep breath and tried to focus. Conveniently enough, the knife she had used a few hours ago remained in one spot where she placed it. Her hand reached for the sharp metal made of blood as she prepared herself.
'Whatever happens from now on won't be my fault anymore,' She mumbled.
Xena hesitated for quite a while, but she then convinced herself. The pain from a sharp knife does not equal all the pain that she felt throughout the years. She closed her eyes and thought of the things that made her happy: her parents, her friends, Old man Archie and Sulien.
She felt immense guilt for not realizing their love and effort.
Slice.
Sharp pain in her chest was all she could feel, yet she made no noise. Xena stayed quiet and finally got the peace that she thought she deserved.
Warm tears streamed down her pale and cold face. It was the last sign that she was alive.
The villain is no longer a threat to anyone. She had ended her life herself. It was a glorious sacrifice—one last good deed that she could offer.
As her breath loses its pace, she remembers everything from start to finish. It was like a movie player that documented everything. If this is what they meant by 'life flashing before your eyes', Xena was happy to relive it. She was happy to see it all over again as long as she sees the one she loves once again.