I'm laying here looking at the wall and hear her roll over. I'm trying to figure out these emotions running through me over the memories that flashed back through my head. That was the most complete scene of memories I think I've had since waking up.
Of course, I'm trying to control the raging hard- on that I have too, thanks to the alcohol. I can't believe it I called her Mary too. .... Wait Mary.... .... Mary... Mary Douglas is her name.
I feel like a bucket has been poured into my head and some more memory flashes and scenes come back but are still scattered and mostly incomplete.
But I know that is my wife in that bed, that much I know is clear.
I roll over and get back up and go to her bed and she quickly turns over and I can tell she was starting to cry.
"Hey Mary Douglas, it's been awhile." I say caressing her face as her mouth drops open in disbelief.
"John?" She asks me looking into my eyes. Doubt and then hope flood those big, green, eyes I've always loved to look at. I remember that too now.
"Yes." I choke out. She's changed a little from the wedding, now I can see how much more beautiful she has become.
"Yes, your husband, John Lacroix. I'm not completely here yet Mary but I think I will be eventually."
She flings her self into my arms and begins to sob. Clinging to me like I'm a life preserver in the sea.
I hold her close and we both cry together.
Even with my incomplete memories I know I am holding the most precious thing I've ever had given to me. My wife.
Eventually I crawl under the covers with her and I just hold her tightly in my arms until we both fall asleep.
.............
I wake up and I'm still clinging tightly to John.
My John.
He remembered me.
I stir to look up at his peacefully sleeping face and cling to him even tighter as if I might lose him if I let go.
"Good morning." He whispers into my hair making me look back at his face.
"John?" I question him as anxieties start to build, making more question rise up in my mind.
"Yes?" He slowly starts to open his sleepy eyes.
"How much do you remember?" I have to ask.
He stretches and groans, "Give me a minute and I'll answer that." He hops up out of bed and goes to the bathroom and splashes water on his face and brushes his teeth. Handing me my ready toothbrush as well.
"I see you remember morning breath." I mutter under my breath. He laughs. Yeah.... Jokes this man has jokes when I am emotionally raw and on edge at the moment. I get up and brush my teeth anyway and keep glancing up at him back and forth warily.
"I see you, Mary." He says after finishing up and putting his toothbrush away.
I finish up quickly and join him on the bed. I look at the clock and it's just around 6 in the morning the sun just came up then.
"Let me go make you coffee. I'll be right back" He smiles at me kissing my forehead and running downstairs. My jaw dropped and sat there dazed for a minute looking out the door where he just walked out of a few seconds ago.
I get up and find my robe to wrap around me before heading downstairs.
............
I find the coffee press and the ever boiling kettle of water they have on the antique stove and make us some coffee quickly. I remember how she likes it made, one sugar, and enough cream to make it the color of chocolate. I'm stirring them up when Cass walks in and stares at me quizzically.
"You're up early." Cass says eyeing the two cups of coffee.
I stop and realize how much older Cass is now, in his 30's and I realize that's a little bit more information that came to my mind last night.
I walk over to him and pull him into a hug.
"I never once thought you would think of me as your hero too, Cass." I hug him tightly even though he tenses up and Mary stands in the doorway looking at the scene in front of her.
More tears are coming to her eyes as Cass returns the hug relaxing as the words sink in. We part and he stands there dumbfounded and looks to ask questions but doesn't know where to start.
"I'm having coffee with Mary first, then we can all sit down and talk over breakfast if you'd like."
I pick up the mugs and hand one to Mary and she motions for me to lead the way and we head back upstairs.
"After breakfast Mary, if there is a way, I'd like to call my mom. She'll probably have a heart attack hearing my voice again but I can't let her continue to think I'm dead. Oh and Moll and Mike too, can't forget them."
In the room, Mary sits heavily on the bed, "John sit down please. I have to tell you some things you've not been around to hear about."
.................
John now mourns his mother, Moll and Mike. It was heavy news to have to break but had to be done. I can't help but think if he remembers them, I wonder how much more he remembers. That is all stuff that can wait right now.
I let him get it out and he goes and takes a shower and I get dressed for the day and grab clothes for him as well. I set them on the bed and go down and talk to Cass for a minute informing him of what happened last night and this morning so far.
Cass nods a little dumb founded, "It's a lot to take in. You said he doesn't remember everything but that's a lot of information that did come back. Maybe it's the everyday repetition that he seemed to remember, and last night triggered some more things. I'm going to go do a little more research into all this. Let him take his time to grieve."
I nod going back upstairs and walk in on John just in a towel.
"Oh!" My heart skips a beat and I blush and mutter, "Sorry, I'll let you get dressed."
I walk back out the door and close it. My heart pounding and the butterflies ever fluttering in my stomach. Calm down, I keep telling myself. After a minute I knock and he says I'm good to enter.
I walk in and set my sights on him in his slacks and no shirt still. There goes my heart again like a horse at the race track.
My body heats up as he pulls a shirt on over his head and I try to hide my blush. Why does this always happen to me? I ask myself as I feel confused and lustful after seeing him shirtless again.
"Mary how old was I when I died?" John curiously asks looking in the mirror.
"36. Why?" curiosity grabbing my attention as well.
"Have I aged from that time?" His lost and confused face tells me something is trying to surface in his mind.
I look at him and realize that he hasn't. My breathing pick ups and I have to shake my head unable to speak. He hasn't aged since his T.V. interview now that I think about it. I sit down a little overwhelmed and my heart and mind are racing all over the place.
John slumps down on to the bed and clutches his head. "This is so frustrating." He sounds aggravated and pained. I lean forward and place my hands gently on his shoulders and he leans back into my touch. Laying back in my arms.
"I remember little things, but that's it. I can't remember, did we go on a honey moon?" He asks confusion written all over his face. I nod with a slight frown as I see he's tormented at the moment trying to remember more.
"John don't force it." I suggest.
"Oh yeah, you wrote that in the book. Where did we go though? There's no names or locations. Did we have a good time? I can't believe I don't remember my honeymoon."
"That I can't remember and have forgotten so much."
"That I could forget you." He covers his face with his arm and takes some deep breaths.
It's just as overwhelming for him as it is me. I decide to leave the questioning alone for now. I look down at him and just treasure that I seem to have a piece of my husband back.
............
It's been a very emotional day for us. All of three of us. Cass came and checked in on us and seeing our state was like his, overwhelmed, we all just sat together not really talking just soaking in each others presence.
John fell asleep complaining of another headache. Me and Cass walked downstairs and discussed things.
"We don't know what kind of shots they were giving him. Maybe they were suppressing his memories some how. Now, that he's not getting those shots they will start to come back slowly. I need to finish that scanner though." Cass rambles his thoughts off to me confirming my own thoughts.
"Cass, he hasn't aged either since he died. Since he was on the news program. I'm not sure what to make of this either. You think we could find a way to do some other tests on his blood maybe?"
"I will look into it. I'm not sure what we might be able to do or find but it doesn't hurt to try." Cass gets up and starts to make himself some food, "You want something too?" He asks.
"Please." I rest my head placing it into my interlocked hands trying to calm my thoughts and emotions. My anxieties are starting to get the better of me and I start to sob uncontrollably.
"Sin! Hey what's the matter? It's just a turkey sandwich?" Cass exclaims placing the sandwich down in front of me. He rubs my back trying to comfort me.
"Cass what if he's just a weapon of sorts, what if they were able to brainwash him and when we're the most vulnerable he kills all of you and they take me?"
"What if he's really a double agent now and we're just playing into his hands and this is what he wants to do? Play our emotions to get the end result whatever that may be?"
"I don't think I can lose him a second time Cass." I urgently shake my head up at him starting to panic.
"I barely survived the first time, I won't go through it again." I'm starting to rock, not able to breath and Cass, reflexively calls Alex the only person who's able to pull me out. The last one I had lasted 3 days before someone called Alex.
Alex was there in a blink of an eye with help from Lar.
Alex seeing me gasping short breaths of air and my panic stricken face swoops me up in his arms and holds me in his lap.
"What happened? Why is she like this?" Alex shouts concerned.
"John remembered her a little bit and she's started to ramble about him being a possible brainwashed weapon. She said she couldn't survive losing him again. That's when I called you." Cass quickly informs him.
...............
I heard shouting and ran downstairs quickly to stop in front of the kitchen and hear Cass.
"John remembered her a little bit and she's started to ramble about him being a possible brainwashed weapon. She said she couldn't survive losing him again. That's when I called you."
To my astonishment I notice Mary is being held in Alex's arms holding her close. I also see Mary is having a panic attack, a really bad one too.
Then it hits me.... She thinks I'm a brainwashed weapon?
She can't survive losing me again..... She actually thinks I'm a weapon?
She actually thinks that I would ever hurt her?
Also who really IS this guy Alex? What is their relationship that they would call him to help instead of me.
I can't take it anymore.
"What's going on?" I go in and immediately rush to Mary. I see her flinch at my presence and my heart feels like it's been stabbed straight through.
Cass grabs my arm and tell me I should go back upstairs until she calms down.
"That's my wife Cass!" I get heated about that, "How can you expect me to ignore the fact she's having a panic attack?!"
Alex stands up and I hear what he's mumbling into Mary's ear. "Just listen to my heartbeat and listen to the rhythm. Try to match my heartbeats rhythm with yours."
I go to grab my wife and Cass holds me back and Alex glares at me, "If you care about her at all, you will let me help calm her down. You're making it worse by getting upset and yelling. Lar make sure and lock him up if he continues to give you trouble."
Lar nods as Alex leaves the room still telling her the same phrases over and over like a mantra.
I shrug Cass's arms off and walk around the kitchen a few times.... "Can someone please tell me what's going on? Why another man is trying to calm my wife down so intimately! What the hell have I missed?"
I sit down not knowing what else to do with myself. My headache is coming back and suddenly I feel nauseous. I run to the trash and immediately begin to vomit and shake. I feel like I'm going through withdrawals.
Now Cass is checking my pulse and tells me to sit down and gives me some water and moves the trashcan closer. He looks at Lar and me and sits down.
"Since you died, the strength of her panic attacks increased so badly they'd last for days. Her body would end up suffering a heart attack and that was the only way for her to stop it. Until she had one around Alex. Alex is the only one who's been able to calm her down without her having a heart attack first and can do it within a few hours. Everything else will have to come later. That though is why he is the one calming her down."
Cass gets up and walks to the other sandwich on the counter and puts it in front of Lar.
"I'll make another for myself, go ahead and eat if you can." He points to the one in front of me now and I wait sipping the water first.
It's later in the evening when Alex comes out of the room and into the kitchen. I've been sitting there wondering what's going on. I know he's married and expecting a kid soon. Still, his wife can't be too keen on him disappearing for hours for him to go comfort another woman.
I stand up to go check on her and Alex and Cass both stop me.
"Chill hombre and sit down,..... please." Alex motions to sit.
"I would like to check on MY wife." through gritted teeth trying to keep my voice level.
Cass is the one who speaks, "Look and don't wake her up." He sighs exasperated taking me to open the door. Sure enough she's sleeping looking so sad and exhausted on the couch. Cass closes the door and leads me into the kitchen again where Lar and Alex are speaking among themselves quietly.
I sit down and Lar disappears. "Where did he go?"
"To go tell my wife what's going on and to check on her. Now, I believe Cass told you about how bad her panic attacks can get."
"Yeah but what I don't get is how you're the only one who can calm her down. What exactly is your relationship with my wife? It doesn't look like just friends to me." accusingly I stare him down waiting for a tell tale sign.
"Cass do you mind leaving the room so me and John can talk?" Alex looks to Cass calmly. Cass nods and leaves.
"Okay listen John, I don't understand how much of your memory has returned but it's obvious not all of it did. Otherwise you would know that every single one of us WATCHED YOU DIE." He emphasizes the last words like I haven't already heard them.
"Yes, I've heard. I'm not dead NOW though."
Taking a deep breath Alex continues, " Put your self in her shoes, being tortured how she was... no you don't remember that." He recollects him self seeing my blank expression.
"Tortured?" I can't believe it, I don't remember even in the book her talking about it, just that I saved her from hell.. oh... she wouldn't want to write about that now would she?
"Yes John she was tortured beyond what a human should ever have to endure. You saved her from that hell but in doing so died in her arms, making her hell that much more painful"
"She was all alone in her mind, she ran her feet to stumps before she collapsed and Moll had to force her to move in with them or have Cass stay with her. Cass staying with her gave her something to focus on but she didn't heal."
"I.." Alex cuts me off.
"It's better to let me finish, you need to ask her the questions to get the answers you want. Now, she was hunting down the person responsible for her pain and during this time she was at my place asking for help in finding him."
"One of the times she was there she had a panic attack and I didn't know what to do, so I did the only thing I could think of and held her close and made her remember she was not alone.. Cass has tried and never succeeded in calming her down, MY WIFE has even tried and could not do it. SO YES THEY CALL ME because it's the quickest way. "
Lar pops back in and Alex nods, "I'm going home now. Try to control yourself John, you're not the only one trying to deal with a difficult situation. We all are." Lar snaps his fingers and they disappear.
"Great!" I sigh in frustration not a single question answered.
I get up and walk into the room where Mary is asleep and I pick her up and take her upstairs to her room and tuck her in bed and close the door. I don't know whether to lay next to her or not now.
She thinks I may be a weapon. That I will snap and hurt her and everyone else. After all the shots and tests I've had... I have to say I can't blame her for thinking that but, damn, this hurts.
I go and lay on my little bed not sure what to think about anything anymore.