I didn't believe in the after life until i met...
I lay on the grass and gazed out at the horizon watching the vibrant pink, orange and yellow infuse into each other as the sun rose in its majestic manner. Things were perfect at that time but little did i know what fate planned for me. I rose dazed since i had gotten no sleep however i shook it off and went inside my house to get ready for the day. I searched my wardrobe for an outfit my eyes were caught by my new tracksuit and immediately yanked it and threw it on (not literally you morons).
I strolled to the dining room and oh my flipping hell it smelt like Beyoncé's weave was on fire. *suspenseful music* I investigated the kitchen using stealthy tactics and found out it was just my grumpy, old dog who friggin' took a turd in the washing machine (its not the first time it has happened). I sighed, slided ma flip flops on and oddly enough decided that my jelly bean body wanted to go on a run (baring in mind im in flip flops) so i began running at spEEd.
Suddenly, i turned and saw my crush- Danny Dorito. Oh my gawd. He was so hot and cool. His dirty-blonde hair perfectly parted in the middle and the sweat dripping down on his shiny, soft olive skin. The way he stood against his car in a tank top with his hoodie tied on his waist. So, me being amazing, i decided i'll moonwalk down the road to his house to try and act cool so i could grab his attention. *insert 90s music* I boogied my way ignoring all existences and started singing, "She walked outta the bar and got hit by a c-" At that moment, i knew, i fridged up.
Swiftly, i turn my head and break my spine whilst singing in front of Danny. You thought life for me couldn't get worse so the next door neighbour's mum who had short-term memory loss decided she wanted to drive over me (she probably forgot that brakes existed in a car). I lay on the floor looking like a crab who's having a spaz attack and Pam the demented granny got her red box car and skidded on my flipping frail potato body. By this time i wasn't breathing and passed out.
Dazed, I wake up to find some creme stairs that im sat on. I was a sad blob on the floor looking like an isolated coconut on a deserted island. I sat there and wondered where the frickety frackety i was. All i could see was endless stairs leasing up and down with a bright light at the ends of each sides. Instinct told me to go down them on all fours like a monkey running after a chemically ripened banana.
Four stairs descended later, I.. couldn't... brea..the.. I sat down and gave myself a mental pep talk as I sat there wheezing because of my asthmatic airways which couldn't take exercise in the slightest. In the name of Danny Dorito, I decided I was going to sprint down the stairs as it looked pretty endless and I just needed to go somewhere at the least. Replaying the situation in my head, I thought of the perfect plan.
*24.86 seconds later* I waltzed down and began the descending and being the clumsy, dumb-ass I was I tripped. Rapidly, I started tumbling down the stairs like a hamster who just took his fix of dodgy shizzle and was running full speed on his hamster wheel. As i started to hallucinate from the impact of my own weight that came with every contact of me touching the stairs, i started thinking it was snow with all the whiteness around me. I though I was transforming into a snowball that had a few too many burger meal. After turning into what i like to call myself as Madam O'Snowington the Obese, i ricochet-d a wall and bounced back and forth between the last stair and this wall of some sorts for a few long painful seconds until i was stationary. At this moment i felt like the turd the old dog did was going round and round in the washing machine. Eventually, I shook off the nausea and began to understand my surroundings whilst imagining random stuff
After i stopped dreaming of me eating endless Korean BBQ, I came to my senses (debatable if I have any) and shook my head side to side like I was having a seizure and then remembered that I broke my spine after trying to be a peng ting but LeT's NoT tAlK aBoUt ThAt.
Moving swiftly on, I looked behind me and saw a gold plated door that said, "DO NOT ENTER!" It stood tall as I looked it up and down.
Hey lil mama lemme whisper in yo ear ;) Lmao I'm kidding back to the story-
With my IQ I thought whilst reading the sign I thought, "Swiper finna swipe today" and FBI opened up the door and my jaw dropped so far that i didn't know if i could recover from the sight i saw. Someone send holy water eye drops for me.
Lord behold a person with a glowing aura, his pants down stood shocked in his frilly grey boxers and a beige gown that was he was trying to wear. The look on his face was of utter shock and traumatisation. I couldn't help but burst into laughter. I wheezed so hard that I legit sounded like a sheep who just got an egg stuffed up his bottom after munching the farmers left over weed thinking it was grass.
The strange man instantly pulled up his pants and shouted, "Who are you and how dare you interrupt God's private hour?" I looked at him bluntly and said, "If your God, then who's Bill Gates? My biological father? I'm sorry but I'm going to need proof because your too idiotic to be God." He gave me a surprised look and chuckled, "Oh dear creation, you are definitely the destined one." Bitch wha-
What was this supposed God on about? Me? Being the chosen one? Pfft, chosen for what? Being a mindless jelly bean and killing herself by trying to look cool by moon walking whilst singing in front of Danny Dorito and then getting run over by Pam the demented donkey who cant drive to save her life!?
I looked at him sarcastically, "Hi Mister Confused.exe, I'm the chosen one for what now exactly?"
"Excuse me I prefer being called God -_- and also you have been chosen to accompany me as I take care of my creations."
Surprised, i asked, "What did I do to deserve this role and also you've definitely convinced me you've got some high tier but I ain't so convinced about the God part -,-"