October 15th 20xx
Weeks after weeks of waiting, after Pattie confessed partially about me, none of the school staff have yet to approach me. For two possible reasons, one is that they haven't been able to figure out who the kid was in the security cameras. Or they just don't want to bother. Due to the bully being their star athlete.
It's just one of those stereotypical things about high schools and the victims of an athlete's abuse. This school and it's staff is just as stupid as I expected. They don't care enough. They would have acted on it faster if they truly cared.
I even grew hopeful that they would approach me when I couldn't. I was too weak of a guy to do so. Pattie was the one being strong for me which she shouldn't have.
She was strong enough to help prevent herself from being a victim here too, after that chick attacked her. Turns out the bitch's name was Dovie. Not that it mattered. She didn't matter.
Everything seems to be crashing down for me again. When I'm a step closer, I become a coward. Like I don't want to be fixed after what happened.
The pain is the only thing that keeps me connected to you. Makes me truly feel you over and over. A reminder of the trouble I bestowed on you.
So it may be true, that I feel like I deserve the hell your brother has brought. I want to feel guilty. As a way to keep you closer than I ever could.
That is the one secret I'll die with. Hopefully. The true reason behind Charlie Love's hatred towards me. Or the abuse he has caused.
No one needs to know. It would put even more strain on everything. I'm shameful enough as it is. Plus, I don't know how Pattie would think of me after. She may find people like me disgusting.
I continue to apologize for jeopardizing everything we had. You were my best friend. Everything fell apart because while I grew close with my ex, we grew apart.
My selfishness cost me my closest friend and the first person to capture my heart. I didn't balance it out between the two of you. In the end I destroyed two of Charlie's closest connections on top of everything.
Forever in the darkness like I deserve to be. Wondering about the buts and ifs. I let your life slip through my fingers. It's the karma I deserve. It's not everyday you can say to people that I caused my best so much pain that they took their own life. I killed my best friend. I also ruined my first love. I hurt my ex so badly. Might as well have said I killed two people at this point.
Hence why I torment myself by writing to you still. As a sick punishment for myself.
And I don't deserve to move on from that. Or to be saved even by Pattie. Or to love again. I didn't deserve to find a love within my best friend too. I don't want to push her down that road.
I already drove you down that road by abandoning you. Guess I'm stuck here now because I couldn't do that again. Not to Pattie Clarence. In some sick way, she needed me too.
Zeke,