Eventually the welcoming ceremony(?) ended and everyone receded like the falling of the tide. I was left alone in the center of a giant open underground area with several run down buildings that looked to be made with various pieces of trash stuck together.
"Hey young'n" said a voice from behind me, startling me a bit. Only a bit though.
I turned around and saw the old man from the start, stroking his beard like it was about to fall off any moment.
"Er...hey old man. What's up?" I said, showing off my perfect communication skills.
"Follow me young man. Dont worry, I am just a kind old man and not a secret serial killer who lures people into his home and offers them a nice warm meal only to put sleeping medication in it. Then preying on the now sleeping guest, slowly boiling their flesh off and turning them into human stew. I am actually the head of this here village, I will give ya the rundown of the place and have someone give you a tour after."
Of course I heard the rather specific phrasing the old man used, but I ignored it for now since I was pretty confused and needed someone to give me answers. I wasn't going to take any food the old man offered me though...or any drinks.
So I followed the kind old man who was not suspicious at all into his home, which looked more like a hut of sorts since it appeared to be made out of what I really hoped was animal skin.
I was led inside and was directed to sit in a chair, which was actually just a tire glued to a plank.
"Young man as I said before I am the village head, you can call me Ted. Now, before I explain anything else to you first you need to tell me what crime you committed. Its been awhile since someone new has joined us down here so I am curious as to what constitutes a crime grave enough to be locked down here with us."
The request was not too difficult and it didn't cost me anything so I told him everything and did not hide a thing. After I finished my epic narration of my epic journey the old man looked at me with a slack jaw and twitching eye.
Fearing that I had trapped the old man in some kind of illusionary world that I created due to how realistically I described what I went through, I flicked him on the forehead a few times until his eyes refocused.
For my troubles I was rewarded with the man laughing in my face, spitting all over it as well as he laughed without a care in the world.
Give me back my kindness damned old man, never again will I rescue you from the genju-...illusion.
"Kid, you are a real piece of work you know. Even in my time it was common knowledge that being a comedian was the fastest way to get you hunted down by the government. Comedy was too powerful a tool you see, it allowed people to explore uncharted territory under the guise of something that was just for the laughs. It allowed people to experience new ideas through a medium that was light hearted and enjoyable. Which, of course, is something that the Glorious Leader would never allow" explained the old man, with a grim face.
Heavy stuff indeed, it would seem that this old man has seen some shit.
Of course being the tactful person I was, I immediately asked him,
"Why was that just allowed? Surely someone would have noticed an insane leader popping up all of a sudden, eliminating things like comedy clubs left right and center."
To which the old man looked at me with a strange look, like I was some kind of alien,
"Kid, are you not from around here? Are you from Other? Do you guys really worship human feces and decide who is guilty and who is innocent based on coin flips?"
This question put my brain into hyper drive, allowing my two brain cells to act as if they were four...a 100% increase! I could not tell him that I was from another world and that I arrived here after falling into an antique mirror, that would sound crazy. So instead I told him,
"Yes, I am from Other. We don't do that weird shit though, it's just a normal country. It has its problems but overall it is not too bad, just a few crazy people every now and then who believe the earth is flat and that vaccines give autism."
The old man's eyes widened in shock and awe and his breathing got caught for a moment as she exclaimed,
"Wait...the earth ISN'T flat????"
It was then that I fully realized what I was dealing with here, that the level of education these people received was probably flawed somewhere. I mean if my guess was correct then I was in some kind of alternate reality where up is down and down is up, but in a political governmental sense. If I was a big bad evil man who wanted to take control and enslave an entire country, I would say going after education is a good start.
"Obviously it's not flat old man. Next thing you know you are going to tell me that you do not know what the stars in the sky are or what evolution is" I said as a joke.
"Come on young'n, I was not born yesterday," said the old man with a chuckle, "of course I know that the stars in the sky were put there by the Glorious Leader to make the night sky look prettier and that evolution is a myth made up by those insane people called scientists that almost destroyed the world back in the day."
Ah yes. I think the education system in this world may be a little bit flawed after all.
So being as kind hearted as I am, I decided to educate the poor old man on the many truths of the world. This took awhile since he either didn't know what I was talking about or he was convinced that some kind of obscure outlandish theory was actually completely true and undeniable while things that were commonly accepted were lies made by the Other to deceive people.
Also who or what is this Other? Is it the name of another country...what a dumb name.
After an hour or two of trying my best to explain that the reason why things come back down when they go up was not because the glorious leader willed it to be but was instead an inherent property of mass...as well as what mass was...I finally satiated the old man's curiosity.
"Young man you are a genius! Our village has a lot of different occupations, but we don't have a wiseman yet. It seems that you would fit the role nicely, especially considering how weak and pathetic you look. You will be perfect!"
The old man then shook my hands with vigor, a bit too much vigor as my hands kinda hurt from the surprising grip strength. Of course I ignored the accidental(?) insult towards me and just went with the tried and true tactic of smiling and nodding.
"You can stay here for a bit young man and also use my place as your place of work, just until some of the real men come and help you put together your own house. It will take awhile as we only get a shipment of trash at the end of every week."
Trash...that explains why all the buildings I saw looked like something a homeless modern art student would put together. At least it doesn't smell that bad, just a little musky. I could even detect some kind of floral scent, do they have a perfumist down here? How...advanced... for this shit hole.
Of course on the outside I just continued to smile and nod, not that I am socially awkward or anything but honestly my brain was on the verge of overheating with all that had happened so far.
Sadly my smile and nod session was interrupted by someone else approaching from behind.
"Gramps, I am back from work. I got off early since a newcomer came, oh I wonder what they are like. Damn work making me miss the opening ceremony, I should break that bitches neck the next time she tries to make me work overtime , I wonder if they are nice?" said a pure and adorable sounding voice from behind me.
"Graaamps answer me, don't pretend that you died to a sudden brain aneurysm again. I won't fall for it twi-" The girl, who finally entered through the 'door'(was actually a car door) stopped dead in her tracks as she laid eyes on my awe inspiring appearance that no doubt looked like it was sculpted by the gods themselves.
Turning around, while preparing my best greeting so as to impress the newcomer and leave a positive impression, I laid eyes on the girl's figure and opened up my greeting with a delicate and soft spoken tone.
"He-" Or so I was about to when my brain processed what my eyes took in and forced my mouth to instead say:
"HeLLA ADORABLE. An angel...an angel has descended on this mortal plane. Yawheh, thank you for finally coming through to me after all these years. I knew making those shrines in my backyard was a good idea!" said the great I, tears forming in my eyes as I made a gesture of prayer.
Of course a moment later my brain processed what my mouth decided to go and utter on its own, changing my joy to shame. Painful...painful shame.