August 15th 12:10am
I don't know how I'm feeling right now. I wish I could just crawl into a corner and disappear for the rest of the summer. I am so weak, so fucking weak!
I called Chris.
Okay cause listen, last Wednesday when we talked I was totally balling my eyes out on the phone to him. Then he started crying saying how he hated hurting me. He said he will always love me and will always be there for me whenever I need him.
So we talked until 5 o'clock in the morning.
I then decied to go away with my parents to camp for the weekend to get my mind off of him. And it worked.
I could finally think about him without crying. I was totally fine.
So when I got back I paged him. He calls me back and we talked for a bit. I couldn't stand it. I could totally tell he doesn't love me anymore and wants me to just fuck off. He even forgot about me on the other line so I called him back just to say I had to go.
I felt like crying. The only thing I could think about doing was calling Trevor to see if he knew anything new. But he wasn't home so I paged him. He called me back from his grandmothers. I felt stupid so I told him he could call me when he got home. This was around 7:45pm. It's now 12:21am. If he doesn't call it won't matter. I've made up my mind anyway. I'm gonna wait til at least Friday to call Chris again.
I wrote him a letter to mail to him if he didn't call me back today. But when he did call me I couldn't say any of the stuff I wanted to.
I hate Chris. I really hate him for hurting me so bad. What I hate more is that it's not true. The only thing I hate is the fact that I still love him.
I knew I loved him too much, it's my fault.