Chapter 3: the center of her universe.
Austin has been avoiding me, today.
My anxiety level was higher than a kite and I felt sick the whole day. I knew that at some point he would figure my feelings for him but I didn't know it'd be that fast. My thoughts were scattered everywhere and I didn't know what to think.
Does that mean that Austin might be my 'future self'? That he wrote the letter ? I mean it would make sense because Austin may be the only person capable of knowing these things about me but at the same time I don't think that Writing a stupid letter that way would be the normal response from him. I think if he did read that letter he would confront me or at least avoid me until he figures what to do.
which he was doing right now. God, I'm not helping my case in here.
I drummed my fingers on the steering wheel nervously. Maybe he wasn't the one who wrote the letter. and maybe even though somewhere deep inside I don't believe that anyone actually wrote the letter but my future self I had to take into consideration that maybe someone did write it and maybe that someone wrote a letter to Austin. I took a deep breathe and acknowledged the fact that this whole situation was driving me crazy. I mean during our whole seven years of friendship , Austin had never once avoided me. I mean yeah he usually avoids me on my period but that's just because I tend to be too aggressive for any type of company. And just for clarification I'm not on my period.
So that's why I'm here, outside Austin's house. Because, I needed answers and I needed to know that everything was okay between us and I really needed him to talk to me because I missed the hell out of him today.
I turned off the engine and exited the car making sure it's locked because Austin's neighborhood Isn't exactly the safest,then made my way to the door ringing the bell three times impatiently praying that Austin's step father Alex won't be there because seriously the dude is creepy.
I huffed as I got no answer and started ringing the bell again. This time someone actually opened the door and I was welcomed with a slim short figure smiling warmly at me.
"oh, Erielle,sweetie, it's been a while " Austin's mother, Melissa welcomed me, her eyes once a bright hazel, now looked dim and defeated. she had dark circles under her eyes and she quite frankly looked like she was in a desperate need of a .. meal. but she still had that warm Aura around her, as if even after everything she's gone through, she still have a bit of herself intact.
Melissa was always a warm place for me. she was the mother I never had. Back in the days, before any of this happens, I used to always come home with Austin after school and Melissa would always have cookies to offer. She would ask me about how my day went and would some times give me some girl advice. I had Ovilia for those but let's face it, Ovilia had four bestfriends all of whom are men, and none of her boyfriends lasted more than two months. On some ways she was a lot like my dad. So yeah, Melissa's advices were always welcomed.
After Austin's father DIED, though, the cookies stopped and so did my visits, I'd only stop by to pick Austin up or when he was sick or something. I missed her but it just got too awkward and then she married someone that I'll never willingly want to be in the same room with.
I smiled back at Melissa and hugged her. Trying as hard as I could to ignore the bruises on her neck and the cut on her lip. I knew better than to ask. " well, yeah, I mean you are the one who stopped making those cookies. " I mentally slapped myself for joking around but visibly relaxed when she laughed.
" I knew there has to be some reason he never stays home anymore ." she trailed off and her eyes wandered to the street behind me, lost in thoughts. I stood there and awkwardly shifted from one leg to another not knowing if I should say anything. I just had to open my stupid mouth. goddamn.
" he just came back from the workshop, he's probably taking a shower upstairs. How about we wait for him inside, I can make you some tea" she finally said seeming to notice how awkward I've become and stepped aside so I could come in
"ugh, no, it's okay, really. I'll just wait for him upstairs, I don't want to be a burden" I muttered shyly and she laughed again.
" Honey you can never be a burden, but suit yourself you know where his room is. "she then walked away and I let out the breath I was holding, quickly spinning around and running up the stairs and stopping right out side of his door.
I knocked three times before opening his door even though the sound of water running indicated he was still in the bathroom across the hall. I took a deep breath and frowned as I looked inside Austin's room. Last time I've been here was probably two years ago and damn has it changed.
Austin has always been a person that likes to express himself through materialistic things. Like his clothes or his hairstyle and looking at his room right now felt like looking at a piece of him.
Last time I was here his room was painted a baby blue color because he said that it makes him feel like a free soul, whatever that means,. But right now it was painted a dark grey, just like his hair with some posters of old music bands and other random pictures covering an entire wall. The wall also had his desk where a huge pile of music records and a laptop were. The other side of the room had his bed and a nightstand with an old record player. there was small cabinet that had some weird looking small statues and a guitar, that I am pretty sure he never once played. the cabinet can barely be seen from piles of clothes and there was a whole wall that he used to hang his vinyls.
I made my way to his desk and started looking at all the music piled up there, smiling because his room was so much.. him. Then frowning at the cigarette ends, and empty beer bottles thrown carelessly in the pin next to the desk. As if he doesn't care anymore whether his mother finds out or not.
"Erielle?"
I quickly spun around to find Austin standing at the door, he was thankfully ( or sadly, depends on which way you look at it) fully clothed and had a very confused somewhat angry look on his face, and I'm already regretting coming here.
" what the hell are you doing here, Erielle? You know Ron might be home" he angrily hissed and started gently pulling my arm to lead me out of the room. you see Austin was a a part of the reason I never came here anymore. he told me that it was not safe and that his step father was a pervert with a permanent stick up his ass, and down his front, was his exact words. It took me a few minutes to knew what that meant then, but thankfully I was able to crack the code. I was pretty proud.
I pulled my arm away and crossed it over my chest " well, today is Friday, so no, Ron won't be home till probably 5 in the morning. Plus, you are the one that have been ignoring me all day long" I hissed back my voice a little louder than his. Why are we even hissing?
"the fuck do you mean, I've not been ignoring you" okay, no more hissing. His voice turned calm and he looked as if he would rather be anywhere but here.
" Yes you have, Austin. Unless you count taking another hallway when you saw me coming the new way of saying good morning, Bestie" Now that I've said it, I realized I was a bit mad at his extreme ways of avoiding me today. if he knows about me loving him then he should just tell me to shove it.
He sighed and ran a hand angrily through his hair. " listen, Erielle. I'm not mad, not at you at least, and I'm sorry for avoiding you but I didn't want to talk to anyone and I still don't. so can you just leave? We can talk about it later " he asked not meeting my eyes and taking a seat on his bed.
Ouch, is that him kicking me out?
" I'm not gonna leave you alone till you tell me what's wrong, Austin" I had to use every single piece of nerve I have to stay calm. " Austin, I didn't come all the way to your house just to be kicked out and I'm sure as hell not leaving till we sort this out" I said and sat on his bed beside him crossing my arms and staring at the ground in front of me. Leaving doesn't actually sound that bad, maybe if I left right now and waited for a few days he'd forget about it and we'll go back to talking like normal people.
A couple of minutes of awkward silence has passed before I heard him heavily sighing and making his way to the bed, sitting beside me." I just need to be left alone for a while, I'll be okay tomorrow" he said resting his elbows on his knees and putting his head between his hands.
That was when it hit me, it's not about me or the letter. Austin would've reacted differently, he wouldn't be in that state. He only gets like this when-. I exhaled heavily and leaned my head on his shoulder putting an arm around him. "Austin, what did he do?" I whispered running my hand up his back. Fuck, Why do I Have to be so self involved. Damn it.
"what happened, Austin?" I asked again because he didn't answer. Austin used to come to school with bruises. He used to sneak out every Night to my house because he just didn't wanna hear their shouts. But he was never like that. while holding him tight. I heard him sigh before he left his head up to look at me. My arm fell to my side as I adjusted myself so I can look at him too.
"Ron brought a woman here, yesterday. Right here, didn't even try to hide it. Looked me right in the fucking eye and asked me if I got a problem with that." He let out a ragged breath, running his hands through his hair. I didn't need to ask how that ended. His bruised up knuckles said it all.
" You hit him. " wasn't really a question. And certainly not a judgement. Just a statement.
His lips quirked up, as if reliving the memory, the satisfying sound of flesh against bones, and the groans of the person you despised so much, to the point where his pain is your pleasure. I should know.
" beat the shit out of him. I don't think I Have ever gotten out of a fight so... Unscathed. I just beat the fucker. Didn't think twice before I did it." He said tracing his knuckles. The only part 'scathed'. I wanted to smile, because I knew he deserved it. But I wasn't naive enough to think this was the end of the story. I saw the bruises on Melissa. The asshole hit her.
" tell me you talked her Into leaving."
He chuckled with no humor resting both elbows on his knees. " The only thing I managed to talk her Into, was getting hit, with absloutly no single consideration of leaving." He took in a sharp breath, voice getting raspy. " Christ. I want to kill the motherfucker." He said it with so much conviction, I didn't doubt for a second, that he is capable of it.
It was moments like these where I knew that, no, Austin wasn't your cliched nice, tame bestfriend who the girl falls for. And no he wasn't always kind, or gentle. he had drinking problems, he smoked his lungs out every freaking hour, he was rugged, and rough around the edges. And yes he was an asshole most of the time. But I've always felt as of he was my asshole to fix. Not anyone else's. And I was an asshole too, so it had always worked perfectly.
We had never been asshole to each other, though.
" Austin." I breathed out because that was all I had to say. He didn't need empty 'I'm sorry's and there was nothing I could say to make him feel better. Just be there. Where I've always been.
We stayed there, both of us Lost in our own thoughts. Me coming up with senarios where i'm able to help him, and him coming up with senarios that most likely Ends with Ron six feet under and away from his mother.
Why is she staying?
I was never good with emotions and I barely even showed any. Anger? I was a bro. Guilt? It was hard not to show with the amount of shit I do every single day. Sadness? Compassion? I was as awekward as they come. Nobody can blame me though, I grew up with a father whose solution to a problem was to walk the fuck out. Maybe a hot chocolate in my case, but we never really openly discussed our feelings. I don't even know that sharing someone's feeling was a thing until fourth grade when Zoe was crying over a stupid boy named drake who called her ugly and even then I didn't stick around until the tears dried, I simply found him at lunch slipped some water from my bottle on his crotch and called him drippy drake. A name that stuck with him until he switched schools the following year.
I couldn't do that with Ron, though.
I moved my eyes back to Austin's face. He looked tired. With purple coating the space under his eyes. He Also looked pissed. Lips pressed Into a thing line, jaw clinched. He had missed a spot of car grease next to his ears and I couldn't help but reach my hand over and rub it with my thump. "you know, thinking about it, you look like shit. I don't know why I hadn't noticed." I half joked, as I retracted my hands. It was shaking.
He gave me the tinest smile I Have ever seen. " I feel so much better now, thank you, Eri."
I grinned. " what are bestfriends for? " I said patting his thigh, then stood up awekwardly when I realized I couldn't touch him without having a minature sezure in my hands. " how about we head to my House? Ovilia is there, she texted me she was making pork chips and green beans for dinner. " it was our Favorite, Ovilia knew it, and most time she came over she made them. And I appreciated the shit out of her for it. I appreciated the shit out of her, period.
Austin didn't need that much convincing, he reached over to grab his phone, and gestured with his head to his room door. " yeah, let's get out of here."
I didn't need to be told twice, either.
I stood up, heading for his bedroom door and down the stairs, Austin was right behind me, but when Melissa appeared, he quickened hus steps storming out of the house leaving me standing awkwardly.
"you're leaving?" she asked with a hint of saddness that made me wanna cry, or not come back here all together.
" oh yeah, dad wants him to join for dinner, if That's okay."
She gave me a small smile, with a nod, both of us knowing that she really doesn't have a say in it. Austin was going to get out of the house weither she liked it or not.
And as I made my way past her and towards the door, I pretended, I did not see her wipe the tears that had escape.
...
We ended up having a movie night afterwards. After dinner with Ovilia and dad, Lance and Ted came over. There was a fast and furious movie playing, but it was so loud in here I don't think anyone was paying attention.
I was on the floor leaning back against the couch, while Ted, setting right behind me on the couch, had my hair in his hands trying to make a french braid, grunting and cursing and ' It's your hair, I am telling you', I went through the torture of his tug war with my hair only because I liked him, and Austin's head was on my lap so I wasn't practicaly in a hurry to go anywhere. I played with his grey hair making small braids and admiring how they look in grey, then messing his hair up again.
Austin was talking to Lance, trying to convince him not to grow a mostache because it wouldn't look Good. Ovilia pitched in telling him that he would look like a fucking idiot, Dad agreed taking an amused sip of beer and I watched as Lance grew very offended.
" you know what, guys, go fuck yourself, I would look awesome." He finally snapped.
I looked at him curiously. " can you even grow a mostache? " because not once in the fifteen years where I knew him did I see him with facial hair on his face.
Ovilia let out a loud laugh at that and Lance went crimson.
" I thought you were on my side, Young Stevens." He accused. Then looked at dad who was just in the middle of sipping his beer. " Stevens, tell your daughter I don't want to be her godfather any more."
" you are not her godfather."
Dad and Ovilia said at the same, reaching over to high five each other.
I heard him gasp and whatever he had to say next I did not here. My attention was stolen as Austin turned his head on my lab looking up Into my eyes. " You know I appreciate the fuck out of you, right?" He said, low enough that no one but me heard.
I gave him a smile then, words failing me because he didn't even know how much I appreciated the fuck out of him.