TW: This chapter may contain some triggering scenes such as rape and violence.
I almost get raped another boy too, and for once, I'm grateful that the one who touched me was Henry. No, I don't fall in love with him, nor do I have Stockholm syndrome. I am just grateful, because no one dare to defy him nor touched what his. The other day, when I was doing my own laundry, some other boy touched my chest and bosom, of course, I fought them back. But Henry saw what happened too (on his way to 'visit' me) and he beat them half-dead.
As I said, no one dares to defy him. Not even the adults. I am one of his things. Which make me a little relieved or I will be a fucking sex toy here, for everyone. I rather suffered for only one person rather than the whole field. Jade, was on the other hand, suffered even more. He got bullied even more. His head was flushed inside the toilet bowls, every day. He was beaten in a group every evening. He was forced to...give a blow job to one of the caretakers. I went there on his behalf and the result. The caretaker was almost killed by Henry. But that doesn't change the fact at all. He will beat me too, for whoring. And beat Jade because of using me as a shield.
My life hasn't changed at all. Still shit as ever. He still forced himself on me. If I refused and fight back, he would beat me until I lost consciousness. If Jade come to 'save' me, he would get worse. He broke Jade's arms, legs, ribs, and we lost count of how many times it's happened.
Few months have gone by, and whenever he comes to visit the orphanage during the weekend, he will slip into my small room. Yes, still in that room. I thought I was the only one who stayed in this kind of room but nope, Jade too. i don't know what the reason Jade was being placed there, but he said he was there since he was seven. He came here at age seven. He didn't get the privilege I got before.
I am disgusted by this orphanage and more disgusted by the adults.
And thus, I was being forced by Henry every weekend night, if I refused, he would go physically. Did I fight him back, yes I do. I even scratched his face, broke his nose one, elbowed him, and you know what I got? He broke my ribs. I was nursed at the infirmary. Funny, huh? How am I still alive after that? No matter how I struggle, I'm just a girl, who is trying to defy a boy who is almost as tall as a young adult man. Like Rohan, the youngest caretaker, who is twenty years old.
And another few months go by, I have no will to fight. I don't even have the will to say anything. I don't even have the will to live. I stopped eating, but Jade would come and give me food. I've stopped bathing but Jade forced me too. He said I need to clean up every night.
He's the only one who cares and I'm the only one who cares for him.
Why didn't he help me?
He did.
Again, he almost died.
He even went to sister Judy, begged her to let us go. Begged her to do something. Begged her to take me away. Begging and begging. And when she didn't do anything, he would go to other adults, begging and pleading. To just listen.
I tried too...no one listened.
After all, everyone thought that I'm Henry's. What a joke.
Every day was a pain, and every night was a nightmare. Every weekend days and nights are hell.
Until I reached fifteen. I no longer have a will to live. No, I lost it so long, I just waited until I reached my limit. And maybe today is my limit?. I've been living in a small room for three years. And I will get out of this place at the age of eighteen. Or to be more precise, I will be forced to get married to my rapist.
Marrying a fucking rapist! They were all sick in their mind and I was unable to escape from here. Whenever I tried, they immediately found me. I was wondering if this is an orphanage or a prisoner?
If I want to run away, isn't that better, even for them?
I couldn't understand this at all. Too tired to think. Too tired to even breathe.
I looked up to the gloomy skies. Maybe there was someone who's crying as my heart did.
This is horrible. My life is miserable. When did this start? My life? When did it become like this?
Oh, it started when my mom was caught cheating on that day. The beginning of my bad luck.
I let out a laugh. It's pathetic. So pathetic.
"Baby." I quickly changed my expression when I heard that voice. My whole body trembling, scared, yes, disgusted, yes. Rage? Absolutely. If I could, I want to kill him, tore his chest, pull out his heart and stabbed it thousand times, and feed the whole adults in this mother fucking hell with his fucking meat.
"I will be away for a while so be a good girl and wait for me, okay?" he said, passing me a piece of bread. No thank you. I will never take what he gave me. "Call me if anything happened."
As usual, my whole body will be shaking. Disgusted. Fear. It's painful. And I'm just tired. With these things. Being someone's belonging without even wanting to. Being forced to sleep with someone, without you want. Screaming but no one hears it. Everyone turned their eyes blind and even if they talked, they would point their finger at me. I'm too tired to fight. No one cares anyway. No one. Not even god.
His hand was still hanging with plastic since I didn't even bother to take what he gave me. So he ends up throwing it on the ground, putting back his hands in his pocket, laughing for god knows what.
"Say something, Maddie," he said. A command. I just shut. "I'll be going, I don't fucking know when will I come back."
I'm glad to hear that. Never come again. But of course, it's stuck inside my throat.
"Are you still mad?"
Yes.
"Or scared?"
Yes.
"Maddie? Say something."
And he gets nothing from me.
"I'd rather you kill me," he said in a low tone and walked away. My pleasure. I will. Absolutely. I want to kill him more than anyone would. I want to kill him so bad!
And yet, every single move I tried to make will make him hit me. He is a smart arse man, he only hit me somewhere people couldn't see the leftover mark. And I, of course, would not tell any adults in these places since they are all trashy.
Jade tries so many times, so many times…and look! No one believes and no care. Why? Because...he is the chairman's son.
Pathetic, huh? Yes, I am fucking pathetic. Maybe I should just kill myself, then no one can hurt me and I will feel no more pain.
------
I thought I would feel better since it's been a week since that trashy mother fucker's gone. I was happy that he's gone! So fucking happy. And I keep praying that he will never come back. But what I'm facing right now is, why the hell do I keep throwing out? Did I eat something spoiled last night?
I glared at Jade who massaging my hand, like a professional masseur.
"Did you feed me spoiled food?" I slur. And he frowned.
"Hell no! I didn't, I ate the same thing as you!"
"Then why the hell...am I...like this!" I can't even eat anything and keep throwing out nothing. Fuck! Jade now looks like in thought, and yes, he should be thinking what did he feed to make me be like this.
"When is your last period, Maddie?" I frowned. Huh? "He did without a condom, didn't he?"
I swallowed my saliva hard. I feel bitterness on the tip of my tongue. No, no way.
"You did it last week right? On Saturday and Sunday night? Like usual?"
It sounds like I was whoring myself every weekend night. Somehow I'm hurt even though he's right. I do sleep with Henry every weekend night, I have no choice. But obey.
I slowly nodded.
"He let...it inside? Did you clean it properly?"
"I do, okay! Stop talking!" I'm freaking out now. What if it's true? I'm not okay with this. I don't want the baby. Please tell me I just got food poisoning. Please!
"Shooshh! We don't want them to know about it, it will be a disaster!" he shushed me. Fuck! "I will go outside today, I'll bring something for you to do the test with."
"Pregnancy test kit?"
"Yeah. Just stay inside."
"Should I keep in touch with him?" I asked Jade and Jade looked at me, totally dumbfounded. I don't want to reach him out but if...just if...I don't know what to do and I totally hate it! I looked down at my stomach and punched it hard, making Jade flustered and stop me.
"What are you doing?!" he asked, almost yelled. And I started to weep hopelessly, pathetic fucking whore who sleeps with chairman's son. Or whatever the adult thinks it is.
"I want to die! I'm just tired, Jade. And now this? Let me just die!" I sob.
"Hey! Hey! Look at me." he cupped my chin with his thick hands. And I looked at him with blurry eyes. "Let me say, let's do some tests, okay? Then, if...just an if, if you are…" he paused, swallowed his words hard, "..then we will call Henry, okay? We'll talk. Deal?"
Is that even a good idea to call him? No. But for some reason, I and Jade thought it would be better if we called him.
I nodded. Desperately. And hence, Jade went out for an outing, and I stayed. Inside my room. Staring into the ceiling and I wish I just died. I wish I could die. I wish I could die.
I quickly sat up and stepped out of the bed. I will just go to church. I walked out, myself, alone, quietly. Like a ghost. Even if I bumped into people who used to adore me and praising me, they'll just ignore me, since I'm the fucking slut here.
No matter how hard Jade tried to tell them that I was forced, they wouldn't believe him. Me? Of course, I did tell them, but what do I get? Nothing but punishment and isolation.
Yet they call themself, an adult? Fuck me!
I finally enter the church, nobody's here. I sat at the nearest bench and stared at the portrait. Slowly, I clamped my hands together and closed my eyes.
It's been a while. You didn't help me back then, and you didn't help me in my present but can you help me in the future? I'm so tired, dead tired. My whole body is in pain for a few days and I was forced to sleep with a man that I don't want to. I fought, but I got hurt even more. I got beaten and it's even worse than what my father did.
I was raped, and I don't even know if I should stay like that since it's been three years. Three fucking years! I'm just tired of fighting, so please help me with this once.
God, please, please...I'm not ready to be in another misery, so please help me out. I need some strength. Please give me some light. I just need some light.
A baby? I feel like I'm drowning, god. I don't mind if the baby was the outcome of love, but this baby was an outcome of lust and force. So please, don't let me have this one. Because I know, I can't love the baby...especially his. I can't love this baby...
God, I'm scared! I can't sleep at night. I can't sleep during the day. I can't sleep anymore. Nightmares are chasing me and I keep adding one new nightmare every day.
Please...I just want to ask you…
"Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me." I muttered. I flinched and turned around when I felt something touching my shoulder. Father. He was talking, but I couldn't hear him. Nothing at all.
I closed my eyes and shook my head lightly. I looked at him again, frowning. Why can't I hear you? I heard the faint sound but I couldn't grasp it.
..ddison" I heard. I heard!
"Yes?"
"Are you okay, sweetheart?" he asked, placing a hand on my forehead.
"Yes. Did you hear anything from Henry?" his facial expression changed. I'm a whore, remember?
"Maddison, you need a serious talk with me. Come with me into the confession room." Oh god. This is why I didn't come here anymore. Because I know he will be noisy and preach to me. About sex before marriage.
"I don't need it. Whatever I'm going to say, you will never listen to it. Or believe it. The last time I confessed to you about something was the time I told you that I was raped. And what did I get from you? Nothing. Because you think Henry was being rough with me and instead, you advise him to be gentle! So tell me, father, why would I follow you to the confession room? So you can blabber things on me again instead of him?"
He looked at me, furiously, I was being rude. Since the day he stops listening to me.
"You've become even more rude day by day, Maddison!"
"You made me like this, father. Out of everyone here, you did. Why? I'm just a fucking whore anyway. Why would I talk to you nicely? I'm a chairman's son's whore." I said, and he slapped me, couldn't bear to listen to one more word from me.
I laughed. And he yelled. I just walked past him and back to my room. This is hell.
That evening, Jade's back and went to my room with three pregnancy test kits. And I did the test, three of them all. And I was right. I am drowning in misery and never-ending agony. I guess I was right again.
And when I told Jade about that, he fell down on his knees, crying, feeling guilty for being unable to do anything. He was sorry, saying that he is useless!
"You're suffering and I just watched you be. I'm sorry!"
And I couldn't feel any emotion inside me. Absolutely none! I stared at Jade who was sobbing.
One emotion did escape. I laughed.