TW: This chapter may contain some triggering scenes such as self-harm, violence and many more.
I wonder what happened to his 'call me if anything happened. And I can't believe myself, calling him every night and trying so hard to reach him but failing. I hated myself so much, to think that I called a person I hated the most for help. I hated myself, even more, to think that I might get something from him. I hate myself, even more, to think that he would help me. I hate myself more and more, and more. And now? I'm giving up. Giving up on everything. Has he died? I mean if he did, I'd be happy. At least one of the reasons why I'm hurting is gone. And the flip phone vibrated and his name popped up.
I was happy for a few moments at the thought of him dying but he's alive. Why can't he just die?
"Hey, what's up?" oh, his voice is disgusting as ever. It's a bit loud. Hatred grows inside me and that hatred is for me. I hate myself.
"I'm pregnant," I said. And silence greeted me. I heard someone asking him who he was talking to, a girl. How do I feel about it? Nothing. Nothing at all. He said he needed to take the phone, and now it's a bit quiet over there. The more I listened to his voice, the more I hated myself.
We both stayed silent for a few moments.
"And?" He finally said something cold.
"You said to call if something happened, I did," I replied, lazily. "Something happened."
"Since when you're so obedient?"
"Since you rap*d me every night, ask me to shut the fuck up and follow your order or you will abuse me instead. I have no choice, either way, I will get hurt." I laughed. He laughed too.
I laughed because it hurt. And I'm fucking pathetic.
He laughed because whatever he thought was funny.
"Rap*d? You like it! And just do whatever you want, I could care less." See? Why am I wasting my time, calling him? He won't care. He's just a mother fucking shit! I want to throw up! I really did. And I did, puked inside my bowl, that Jade's prepared for me.
Did he just say I like it? I like it? Fuck no! I don't! Not a single day! Not even the slightest! I despised it, I hate it, I am disgusted with it. What the fuck is this mother fucker saying?
I hang up and keep throwing up that night. It's disgusting. It's disgusting!
I am tired! So fucking tired!
I want to die…
I lied on my back. Staring into the ceiling. Or more precisely the fan. Daddy used to be hanged right there before. I still remember. Crystal clear.
I slowly stepped down from the bed, grabbed my blanket, and dragged the chair below the fan. I tied the blanket on one of the wings, slowly tiptoed myself and put my neck around the soft blanket.
I stood on the chair backrest and kicked the chair, and I was hung. I'm choked! My eyes started to tear up and I gasped for air.
Fuck, it's hurt! I'm choking. Fuck! Fuck!!!! It hurts!
I didn't know it would hurt. I wept.
Instant regret.
I'm struggling, all I can hear is me, choking, like a cat who is about to die. I sounded like that. Until I saw a figure. My dad. Smiling at me, faintly. There are some tears falling, well he is a crybaby.
Be strong, baby. Be strong. That's what I heard.
And I closed my eyes, blackout from reality and pain.
I opened my eyes again, I saw blank space, white. Maybe because I died.
I saw nothing or heard anything. But soon after, I felt like someone was shaking my whole body. I slowly tried to open my eyes, struggling as the light blinded me up.
"Maddie, wake up! Wake up!" Jade? I slowly opened my eyes again, glancing at him as my hand slowly touched my neck. "Thank god! Can you move? We really need to go. Can you move?"
"Hm?" I can't talk, my head is dizzy. "Why? Where am I?" I looked around and it's filled with the scent of antiseptic, a little bitter, with undertones of the artificial fragrance contained in soaps and cleaners. The ward was filled with few people, and I finally looked back at Jade.
"Why am I here?" I asked him, sitting up, looking at my right wrist that was stuck with a tube. I yanked it out from my skin, making it bleed.
"We need to run away now, Maddie. Or you will get married soon or even worse you will be in an asylum. This is our time to get out of hell."
I frowned, what the fuck? Asylum. Jade quickly took the tube from my nose, it sting but as he said, we need to hurry. I am muddled but I want to run away too. Anywhere is fine except that place.
"Can you walk?" Jade asked, already carrying his backpack. I nodded. I'm a bit dizzy, but I need to make a run. "Right now, the hallway is all clear, we just need to walk to the lift, get out from here and we're done."
I nodded. We both walked out from the ward, slowly walking to the lift. Jade pressed the button quickly, he looked nervous. I'm too tired to be nervous.
"Why are you running again?" I asked, dumbfoundedly. Jade looked at me, before glancing around.
"Do you want to go to asylum?" he asked with a lower voice but harsh. I tried to process the information.
Asylum? Me? "Why?"
"Because you're fucking attempted, we will talk about that later, focus on running. Can you run?"
They tried to put me in an asylum because I tried to commit suicide? Did they skip the part that I should see the psychiatrist first? They really are fucking arse, who runs an orphanage and do whatever they want, favouritism and so on. At this point, I wonder if they really do the adoption or they sell the other kids for the organs like in the newspaper.
I laughed.
"Can you run?" he asked again, trying to make sure I could.
"I don't know, Jade. Maybe."
"You have to, okay, just until we get out of here. Okay?"
I nodded, looking up to the lift door as soon as it opened. And both me and Jade are stunned, frozen, unable to move. Eyes widened and I couldn't do anything.
"Where are you going?" the voice asked, coldly. He glanced at Jade and quickly grabbed my hand to come inside. Jade tried to grab me but the door closed, leaving just the two of us in the small space.
He then pushed me to the cold elevator wall, choking me up, making my feet lift from the floor. I tried to push his hand off from my neck, it hurt and he added some more pain, making me cry and weep. My feet were hanging in the mid-air.
"You tried to take your own life? Let me help you, Maddie. It will be easier, less painful. All I need to do is break your fucking neck. Want me to do that?" he asked, coldly. No single intonation, just cold.
"H...Hen...ry! I...ca...bre...athe…" I gasped for air, I swear to god, it hurt. He let me go, which caused me to drop on the floor. I gasped for the air, even more, coughing and crying. I crawled myself to the corner, protecting myself, but he pulled me up to stand up, grabbing my face to face him. He grabbed too hard, it's hurt.
He looked at me with his dark eyes, cold, as his veins popped up on his neck and forehead. He's crazy mad. I'm dead, for real.
"Where are you going? Run?" I feel fears spreading all over my body, I should be able to fight, this is not me. "You can't run away from me, Maddie. You're mine all alone. You belong to me. You can't run, where will you live?" he said, slapping my face, hard. Enough to make me stagger and fall, again.
"Make a choice, Maddie. Marry me. Or asylum." he grabbed my hair, yanking my head up to look at his face. I bite my lips, glaring at him.
"I will never marry a motherfucker like you, I'd rather die!" I said, spitting on his face. Then I laughed. Making him grabbing my hair harder.
"Then should I kill you know, Maddie? Should I?" he asked. I just stared at him, I'm tired. My head's throbbing and ringing.
He pulled me up again, and pushed me on the wall, starting to force his lips on mine. I tried to push him away, fucking shit. I cried, hoping for his sanity.
"You belong to me, Maddie. Alive or dead. Only I can have you," he said, forcing his tongue inside my mouth, dominating from inside. God, help me.
And I saw light from my inner corner, the door is open.
I bite his tongue, giving me a metallic and salty taste on my tongue, which makes him pull out and slap me once more.
"Henry!" I heard someone call him, making him flinched and stunned. This is it! I looked up, his father. The chairman.
I quickly get out of the lift, running away from hell. I heard him calling my name, but I don't care. I need to run.
And I saw Jade running down from the staircase, running toward me, reaching his hand out and I took his hand with me.
I heard someone calling our name, but we keep running and running. Jade suddenly opened a cab's door, pushing me inside and entered the cab.
"To the train station please," he said, quickly looking outside to make sure no one followed. We both saw Sister Judy, running with Henry. But they couldn't get us since the cab started moving.
"Where are we going?" I asked him, linking our arms together as I rested my head on his shoulder.
"Manchester. Are you okay?"
"A bit dizzy, but where are we going to stay?"
"Anywhere is fine, Maddie. As long as not there. Anywhere is fine. Trust me. I'm your brother, trust me." he said, patting my head softly. I do trust him.
Anywhere is fine. Anywhere is fine.
"Get some sleep, I will wake you up when we arrive." He said. I did take some rest, and when we arrived, he told me to change the clothes first. I did. I asked him if he has the money, and he smiled, saying don't worry about it.
He bought us a one-way ticket to Manchester, and I slept some more until we arrived. Jade woke me up, we arrived.
For sure, we didn't know where to go, so we sat at the station for a long time, holding hands.
"Did you still feel dizzy?" He touched my forehead to check my temperature. He mumbled something that I didn't even catch, putting on his oversized jacket to cover me.
"I'm sorry, Maddie, your feet." we both looked at my barefoot. I didn't even realise it, not even him. "Let's go. I already know where we can stay for a moment. Get on my back."
"How's my baby? Is it dead?" I asked, touching my stomach as I asked. My body started to shiver, cold.
"It's okay, 5 weeks." He said, slowly humped on his back. Carry me and climb the stairs slowly. I felt bad since he is a chubby boy, it will be hard for him, but yet again, I am a burden for him.
I felt like I wanted to cry so I bit my lips to stop my tears from falling, but what can I do, it's fall as it pleases.
"Are you crying?" he asked, sounding a bit weak, panting for some air. He's having a hard time. "I'm sorry that I forced you to run away with me, Maddie, but asylum is not a place they should place you, you should meet a psychiatrist, talk over your pain. They should know better than anyone else, they are adults. They at least should have referred to the doctor's advice but instead...you know what they said?" He sounds like he is having a hard time speaking, climbing the stairs, and carrying me in one go.
"Hm?" I asked, unable to say anything else. I hide my own face on his shoulder, I wonder since when he has these wide shoulders?
"They said that you're not right in your mind since you arrived, because you're abused by your own dad, who saw him hanging himself in front of you. They said you're gone mad since then, locking yourself in the room, avoiding people. When the doctor asked how you got pregnant, they said that you got married to one of the boys in the orphanage but the boy went away for work. Maddie, they have created a whole story, a fake story to cover their lack of sense. To cover their own shortcomings or mistakes as a caretaker. I heard them talking, Maddie, whether marrying you with Henry or asylums. And Father...that motherfucker, he suggested sending you to asylums. Because you might be a disgrace to the chairman's family."
I'm just keeping my mouth shut, I don't know what I should feel.
"Where are we going to live now, Jade?" I asked, crying. It's painful inside out. My whole body is now sore, my neck is hurting as if something just broke and my heart? Already shattered, melted into a puddle.
"My old house? It's a rundown house, but we can stay there for some quiet time until we find a job and new house," he said, panting, lifting me up since I'm slipping down.
And he carries me until he finds a cab, putting me inside first before he enters the cab too. And when we arrived at his run-down house, we stayed the night and slept inside.
The house was burned down, there are rats, cockroaches and everything you don't want to see around the house. Jade climbed upstairs and put me in his room, so what he said. There's still a bed there, full of dust. He said that he will right back, ask me to tidy things up, just in this room and left.
But I don't know what to do, it's run down. So I sat on the floor, hugging my own knees. Waiting for him to come back.
And when he comes back, it's already morning, he comes back with a bag full of clothes. I asked him where he got them, and he smiled at me. Guilty smiles.
"I stole them, we're in desperate need," he said, unpacking the bag. There were some blankets, bedsheets, clothes, and shoes.
He went to the bed, started to dust them out. We both coughed but soon after, Jade put on the bedsheet and asked me to rest on the bed.
"I'll be right back, okay. Just take a rest. Here, some bread. Just take a rest. I'll be right back." he said, pushing me to the bed.
"Where are you going?" I asked, holding his hand tightly. He just come back, and he's going again?
"Searching for work. Just take a rest. Okay? I need some work ASAP."
Thus, his figures disappeared behind the crack door, leaving me in the darkness, alone. I curled myself, covering my ears as I keep hearing creaking noises.