The outing two days ago was so interesting and so much fun. I think I laughed a lot is and I used too much energy. And I'm still tired. And today, I am absolutely scared and nervous. I looked around the waiting room, there were still two more people waiting for their turn and after that, it would be me. I'm somehow a little nervous. But at least Ayden with me, next to me. And god, my shoulder's getting numb.
"I think my shoulder is numb now, can you lift your head now?" I said, pushing his head off. he let out a giggle and now massaging my shoulder.
Ohh, that feels nice.
"I'm sorry, princess," he said, and thus, I heard people laughing. Yes, I am the princess everyone! I closed my eyes, embarrassed. God damn it!
"Should I go buy you some water?" he asked, and I looked at him. "There's a vending machine." he pointed to the vending machine far from here, not that far actually. But a bit.
I nodded, I'm quite thirsty right now.
"What do you want?" He was already about to stand up.
"Just cold water. That would be heaven right now." I uttered and he immediately stood up.
"Be right back."
And I heard giggles from my side, and I just smiled.
"Newlywed?" she asked. She looked so thin, thinner than me. Her face was paled, her lips were a bit blueish, she looks sick.
"No, not yet…" I said. I don't even sure if we're going to get married.
"Boyfriend, I assumed."
I nodded, I could feel my face changing a colour.
"You're so lucky," she said, smiling, faintly.
"Dr Ward's patient?" she asked again.
And I nodded again. "Yes," I replied simply. I'm not a social butterfly who can talk to strangers nicely.
"First time? I assumed?"
I nodded, smiling nervously. God, I wish Ayden didn't leave.
"Nervous?" I nodded and she laughed. "Dr Ward is a nice doctor. Not like others. And you will be alright."
I smiled, rubbing my ice-cold hands. I'm sweating, a cold sweat.
"I have anorexia nervosa, an eating disorder. You?" she asked. I showed her my wrists. And she nodded, understanding.
And no more questions have been asked. And Ayden's back and gave me water. I tried to open it but failed so I passed it to him, and he opened it.
Gulp! Heaven! Coldwater is superior during summer!
And as time passed, we got bored of waiting, so we started to poke each other, played rock paper scissors and a thumb war. I lost most of the time, but that is because Ayden is such a sly man.
But he made me laugh. Chasing out all of my anxiety.
And finally, it's my turn, and I met my doctor, Dr Ward. I thought it would be a man. But it turns out she's a lady. Relief.
She started to have small talk with me. Asking me my name, age, occupation, am I single or married? I said I have a boyfriend and she smiles, saying it's wonderful, saying that my boyfriend must be a good looking man since I'm very gorgeous. She flustered me. But it's true, he is gorgeous. Then she started asking if we're going to get married, I said I'm not sure, and she asked if I have a hobby, I said, watching movies, especially animation. And she said it's good, she loves animation too. She said she loves anime and Kdrama. She even recommended me some Korean dramas and movies and I'm going to watch them for sure. We talked about my trip with Ayden two days ago coming here, and she said she wants to go there too.
And finally, she asked me when is the last time I got a panic attack, and I answered her awkwardly and she asked me when is my first attempt. We talked about our past, most of the time, she just let me spill out everything. She asked if I ever went to see a psychiatrist before. I did. But I stopped. I told her the reason and she keeps saying 'oh Lord'. I thought it would be unpleasant, to be asked like that. But surprisingly, I feel...okay.
"You're strong, Maddison, I am proud of you! We just met, and you are just amazing. You are so strong!" she said. "Telling the whole story, it's hard, I know. And you tell the whole story, it's amazing."
"Thank you," I said, feeling a little bashful now. "But, doctor...would it be fine for me to feel happy? With what I have now? What if this happiness would be something that even broke me? What if I failed?"
"Maddison, feeling scared is normal. But...you brave enough to keep trying. You are brave enough to fight. You are strong enough to take a step forward. And even if you failed, you already win. Do you know how many people that giving up without trying, failing without trying? You try! Which make you better, you are a winner. So believe in yourself, because I believe in you."
I looked at her, faintly smiling. She is so nice.
And thus, we talked some more, mostly about me and the movie, and she gave me a list to watch, a Korean drama and a movie, and she gave me a card for my next appointment. We were just talking. And we're done. I got out of the room, and Ayden immediately stood up. I gave him a big smile, I feel good. Too good to be true.
"You're done?" he asked. I can see a pink hairpin on his hair, which makes me smiled wider.
"What's that?" I asked, squealing because he is so cute. He smiled and looked down at the seat, which made me look at what he's looking at too.
There was a lady with her partner and two toddlers. A boy and a girl. So cute! I bowed my head toward the parents and sent them a tiny wave.
"Hi." And they wave back shyly, hiding their face on their mother's knees. She laughed, but soon after, she stood up and nodded politely to me, and I did the same. So, she had an appointment too.
"Ashley gave this to me, cute right." He said and I laughed.
"Yeah, it's cute."
"You're done? Any description?" he asked, taking off the hairpin and hand it to her. She takes it, and we both said goodbyes to them.
He held my hands and fixed his hair. His hair getting longer, and I think mine's growing too.
"Nope, Dr Ward said I didn't need any meds if I get a panic attack, she just told me to keep doing what I do, which is breathing and counting to ten, she taught me the butterfly technique since it's easy to do everywhere I go," I said, showing him how to do butterfly technique. He copied me and do it to himself. "But if it's getting worse, you need to help me, Ayden."
"It would be my honour to help my beautiful girlfriend." He said and I chuckled. I looked up and slowly, my eyes caught with another pair of eyes. A dark green eyes, cold, dead eyes.
As the world noises slowly faded, it's as if the whole world becomes slower. And I could hear my heartbeat, changing tempo. From calm to chaotic, pumping my blood out, rapidly. And I feel the chill down below my spine, my fingers cold, and I'm sweating, my whole body is shaking.
Disgusted and fear. Mixing, I felt nausea.
It's too slow, this world moving too slow or it just reflects my reflected arc making it seem slow.
The eyes are locked with mine, and I could see an amused smirk before the eyes looked back straight and moving past me.
I stopped and closed my eyes, counted to ten, and opened it again, looking behind. I was stunned.
"The fuck…" I cussed. He's back?
"Princess?" I looked at Ayden, he looked at that man too before looking back at me. "What's wrong?"
I looked at that man again, he was pushing a wheelchair, wearing his white coat. I thought he was gone. He is back.
If he is here...then, is that night dream...real too?
"Maddison!" I looked back at the man in front of me, he looked tense.
"Nothing, let's go," I said, dragging him out from the hospital. The more I stay, the more I put myself in danger and the more I will put my love in danger too.
'You are brave enough to fight.' That's what the doctor said but can I? Am I strong enough to fight him? He is fucking crazy! A lunatic man.
It feels like I'm standing in front of the cliff that is filled with a sharp stone surface waiting for me down below. One more step and I will fall and stab with that sharp stone or it'll feel like I'm walking on needles.
No! I can't be like this. I went so far as to feel distressed just because of trash.
I grabbed Ayden's hand tightly. Whatever it cost. No one is going to steal my happiness. Once is enough. No one is going to break me. Again.
-----
Our ride is filled with silence and when we entered our house, his house, both of us just keep silent. He didn't even say a word and I was just too tired to say anything. I plopped myself on the sofa and turned on the TV.
Then I realised, I haven't done my work at all for two days straight My stuff, Ayden unpacked everything and keep it to where they belong. Laundry, he did it. Cooking, he did it too. Cleaning the house, he did what he could do.
I started to panic and looked at him, who was now in the kitchen, ready to cook our late lunch. I'm forgetting something. That I'm still working for him and he still paying my payment, on time!
I'm the housekeeper of the house! Dude. I'm dead. I jumped out from the sofa and run to the kitchen, and stopped him from cutting the ingredients. He looked at me with a frown.
"What?" he asked, a bit cold.
"Let me do it," I said, with an awkward smile. I felt a sharp pang on my chest. What was that?
He pushed my hands lightly and continued chopping the onion.
"Ayden...let me do it," I said softly.
And he was still silent. What the…What with this attitude?
"Are you mad at me or something?" I asked him softly, for some reason, I am annoyed.
"Nope," he said, lazily. Wow, look at that attitude.
"What's wrong?" I asked, pissed.
"Nothing, just go ahead and watch TV. I'll do it by myself," he said, in a very low, monotone voice.
"Nothing?" I asked, literally pissed off. And he nodded.
"Yeah, nothing."
"Nothing? It feels like everything is wrong right now." I muttered, clicking my tongue. He stopped chopping and looked at me, smirking.
"What did you say?" he asked.
"I said, it feels like everything is wrong right now!"
"Right!" He looked expressionless, and it's the first time he showed me that face. "You feel like everything is wrong right now, right?"
I frowned. Did I do something? Why he's acting like this?
"Listen, Maddie, communication is a key for a relationship, especially us! I don't care about other people but us. I know something is going on inside your pretty head, I asked, because I am concern! I asked because I worried, I asked because I want to help you. But I'm just a human being, I have feelings too, and when you just brushed off my question by saying, 'oh it's nothing and looked like you're thinking about something deeply, by yourself, it's hurt me. At least you need to tell me, the slightest!" he said, frustratingly, and turned back his body and continue chopping. I heard everything he said but couldn't understand what he tried to say.
"When did I said that?" I asked, dumbfounded.
"At the hospital."
Oh...I bit my lips. So that's what pissed him off. But, if I tell him, shouldn't I tell him my deepest secret too. And if I told him that, would he listen? Would he? Nobody did. Jade? Jade shared most of the story with me. Diana? Jade told her.
He stopped chopping again and sighed heavily. He turned his whole body and pick me up and put me on the working top. My brows furrowed even more. He slowly caressed my cheeks.
"Don't cry…" he said. I averted his eyes and kept lowering my gaze. "Why are you crying?"
"Hormone," I said, wiping off my tears roughly. He gave me a faint smile.
"Same," he said, bumping his forehead to mine.
"Can't you tell me? Is there something going on?" Now he is back to his gentleman mode. I glared at him and he just gave me a faint smile.
"As I told you, it was…"
"Nothing?" he cut me off. He still gives me a faint smile. I bit my lips. I'm scared to tell him, what if he didn't listen. Like everyone did. "Okay," he said, turning back his back and continue chopping the onion.
The silence between us was too loud. I couldn't help but feel guilty.
And I jumped off from the working top and went to the living room.
And thus, we're having a cold silence treatment lingering in the house, for two days straight.