"What enclosures are open! What narrow spaces
Between these walls hold the dust of races!
It is in these places of oblivion, it is among these tombs
That time and death come to cross their scythes.
So many dead piled and pressed under the Earth!
Numbers here mean nothing; the crowd is lonely."
-inscribed in the Parisian catacombs, by Antoine-Marin Lemierre, "Cour des rois, élément plus mobile que l'onde…"
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After quickly dumping bimbo barbie outside the catacombs and onto the Parisian streets, Alex began his interview for a tour guide.
"AAAHHHHH!"
He was spraying acid into the mouth of vampire Pierre. Of course, it wasn't real acid. Alex wasn't interested in robbing a chem lab or seducing a Xenomorph. It wasn't holy water either, because he wasn't willing to pay for water blessed by some random dude. Alex could bless water himself now. He even tried it. Unfortunately, it only quenched Pierre's thirst.
Instead, he went with the DIY budget option. He blended some water with garlic from a supermarket, then mixed it into one of those lemon juice squeeze bottles. It's called getting bang for your buck. That's how you got the scene of a grown vampire, laying on the ground and screaming in agony from a man force spraying lemon juice into his mouth.
"AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"
"REEEE! REEEE! Stop crying already. It's just a little bitter," Alex didn't understand why people didn't like the tastes of bitter things. He enjoyed them.
Smoke was coming from Pierre's face.
"Tell me where your sugar daddy Dracula is or I'm going to start spraying this into other holes."
The vampire started to imagine the possibilities...
"He's that way! In the lair!" The method to break a man with torture is not through pain, but through the power of his vivid imagination.
Since the target was found, it was time to set off. Lately, Alex had a habit of preparing various items before adventuring. He felt it was important to plan for emergencies. This forethought is what led to the vampire having Barney's leash around his neck, now forced to lead the way in front.
Alex put on the goggles he got from Clyde, which not only had infrared, but also night vision capability. Finally ready, he started his daily walk.
The catacombs felt endless. Time seemed to fade into the background as they journeyed through the darkness. As they continued to Dracula's lair, he chatted with Pierre. "So why do you guys live down here anyway? The amenities don't seem that great. No doorman, no elevator. Is it rent stabilized? From some old law?"
"Hmm...an ancient curse."
...
"Is there a pool?"
"Well...a pool of blood."
...
"Gym with weight machines?"
"...Dungeon with torture machines."
'It sounds even worse than my place...' Alex thought. As they kept walking for a while, Alex noticed that these subterranean tunnels had lots of graffiti on the walls. 'I can see where Hades got his habit.' He also marveled at how old they must've been, but then frowned when he realized he wouldn't be able to smash gold in here because it would probably cause a cave in. "This place sure is dark and decrepit."
Pierre was the talkative type. "Yes, but it's quite suitable...a place without witnesses, without sunlight, without landlords, without polic--"
"Pump the brakes! Without landlords? Do you mean without rent?!?"
"...These are hundreds of kilometers of abandoned underground crypts."
"So you're saying there are many units available?" Alex knew a good apartment deal when he heard one. It was a renter's market.
As Alex was mentally planning his move to Paris, Pierre suddenly stopped.
"What's the matter?" Alex asked.
"There are people ahead...slayers."
At this moment, Alex heard voices approaching from down the tunnel and saw lights in the distance.
*HISS*
Pierre didn't know better yet, so Alex tugged on his leash to train him to be quiet. The lights approached and Alex pulled Vampy to a small side corridor to hide.
"The Strigoi have become more active recently."
"There are rumors that they're kidnapping humans for some big ritual."
"Sigh...It never ends. For every one we kill, it feels like 5 take its place."
"If we could just kill Nosferatu..."
Eventually, the slayers passed, marching into the catacombs.
"Who were they?" Alex asked.
Vampy hissed again. "The Cataphiles...vampire hunters."
"Looks like there's a problem with noisy neighbors after all."
The two proceeded on their trip, which was by no means comfortable. They encountered tunnels with low ceilings, flooding up to the waist, and even tiny passages they had to crawl through. Alex didn't trust Vampy so in those instances he would climb through first and then tug Vampy through by his leash as he choked and shrieked.
Finally, after many hours of journeying through crisscrossing tunnels, they arrived at an entrance to a tunnel system that was very unique. There were torches lining the walls and the area was well maintained.
"The lobby?" Alex asked.
"...Sure." Pierre confirmed.
"How many vamps are down here?"
Pierre took his time answering, seemingly hesitating.
"What's the matter? ...I see. You probably don't get enough vitamins down here. I better help you get some more Vitamin C." Alex took out the lemon juice bottle and gave himself a spritz in the mouth while gazing hard at Pierre, savoring the bitter taste as he offered Pierre some.
Pierre gulped. "...In the entire catacombs, there are at least dozens or maybe even 100 at any time, but they're spread out hunting. There should be only 10 or 20 in the lair now."
"Good boy." Alex patted Vampy's head while he told him, "If you make a scream or try to warn anyone, I'll cut your head off first and then escape. They'll never catch me with my invisibility." This reminded him of when he warned Barney that he would put his head in pee if he found urine in the house. It was the same for Vampy except it wouldn't be attached to his body.
They tiptoed down the lit tunnel until Alex heard distant voices from around the corner. He went invisible and moved ahead alone, sticking his head out to peer in that direction. There were two vampires guarding a passage.
He returned, reappeared in front of Pierre, and whispered, "Two doormen. Got the name of a list?"
...
Alex took out Balisarda. "Didn't think so. Stay here." He disappeared again. A minute later he came back carrying two severed heads. "Almost forgot to feed you today. You hungry boy?"
Alex threw the heads to Vampy's feet.