Shortly the waiter was back with our drinks. Senior Xiao especially poked a straw through one milk tea and passed it to me. I took it smilingly and stirred the straw in the cup.
The problem right now was that I was lactose intolerant.
I looked at Lanyard with tears in my eyes. She looked at me and rummaged in her back before whispering in my ears, "I have your EpiPen."
I raised an eyebrow at her.
"You gave it to me in high school, remember? It hasn't been 3 years yet."
"Lanyard."
"Yeah."
"EpiPens expires in 18 months."
Lanyard stared at me quietly. Honestly, I could have just left, taking the milk tea with me and dumped it somewhere or passed it one of the homeless kids begging outside, but it was so difficult to find Ling Bingchen. And I hadn't even said anything to him, thank him for saving me or get to know him or tell him that his eyes have been haunting me every day since I saw him. I couldn't get myself to get up.
"Don't drink it. Buy time, I'll help you drink when no one is watching," Lanyard patted my arms solemnly while whispering in my ears. The plan wasn't fool proof but I nodded. I sat quietly stirring my drink as Lanyard and Senior Xiao continued their discussion and Ling Bingchen opened a straw for his black tea.
Suddenly, a hand picked up the milk tea in front of me and pushed the black tea to me in its place. Ling Bingchen didn't say anything but just looked at me quietly while biting on the straw of the milk tea. I quickly took the black tea and hid it under the table while checking if our other companions noticed but they hadn't.
I quickly tried to drink the tea up before anyone saw to remove any evidence and Ling Bingchen seemed to be doing the same too. As I drank the cool drink down I wondered how he knew that I didn't want to drink the milk tea.
As soon as I finished the drink, I put the empty cup where Ling Bingchen put his. He even exchanged it back for good measure and then went back to whatever he was doing on his phone. And I sat back in my own seat looking out of the window. There was a good draft today, a rare good day to go out during the summers. Maybe it would rain and cool the air for a day if we were lucky.
Why did I even want to talk to him? I didn't know. Wouldn't it be a waste though? What could I say? Thank you for saving me that day? That you may not remember but I actually saw you a few weeks ago across from this very store and that I couldn't forget you? That i actually dreamt about you once? And then?
Then nothing.
I go back to my old classics while he goes back to his accounting numbers. So shouldn't I just let it go? Anyway, Qiu Yu, didn't you do your best to find him and say everything you wanted to, to him? There must be a reason you aren't getting opportunities. Anyway, aren't you tired?
Yes, tired. Very tired. And its best not ask for things I don't have. I don't need it. Sometimes it okay to let go.
I smiled to myself. God, I make cowardice so justifiable in my mind. But looking at Ling Bingchen, I really don't want to let go.
The turmoil in my heart rose little by little almost like reaching a crescendo but I did not panic, I knew it was only a matter of time before I would suffocate myself inside and kill this little desire in me. Just another one of my countless deaths. But as the raging in my mind grew, someone opened the door of the store and the cigarette fumes from outside glided into the room, making me unconsciously gulp and my fingers twitch.
"Want to smoke?"
"Huh?"
"I said, want to smoke?" Ling Bingchen suddenly asked. It was only then that I realized at some point Senior Xiao and Lanyard had gone somewhere and we were alone.
"You smoke?"
"I don't."
"I'm quitting too." I stared at Ling Bingchen as he looked back at me too, not saying anything. A pang of disappointment hit me. I don't know what I was hoping for, a little acknowledgement? A few words of encouragements? Some signs of care? I got nothing. "How did you know, that I smoke?"
Ling Bingchen furrowed his eyebrows a little.
"I saw you smoking that night. Don't you remember?"
"I remember." Of course I remember. But I thought you wouldn't remember.
He didn't say anything after that. I told myself this was a chance right? We were literally sitting together. His phone was kept aside. No one is around us. Everything is in place; all I have to do is say 5 small words.
Thank you for saving me. Thank you for saving me. Thank you for saving me. Thank you for saving me. Than-
"Be selfish until the end," he commented suddenly, just as I was trying to prep myself to express my gratitude.
"What?"
"Since you were selfish enough start, then now that you want to end, be selfish. Since you said stop, then stop." His voice was hard and it was like every word was like a door closing on me. And weird kind of anger washed over me. What did he know? What the hell did he know? Why I smoked or what I had gone through, he knew nothing. What did he know being selfish was?
My nose tingled as I tried to gulp down the tears into my empty heart to try to fill it up so it continues beating.
"It wasn't selfish." I was ashamed to hear my voice tremble.
"Wasn't it? Trying to kill yourself."
I didn't know what to say anymore, so I didn't. I just stared at him without looking away. And he stared right back. Like a stubborn thought in both our minds that whoever looked away, conceded.
As I stared, suddenly, a tongue slithered out from the opening of his lips and swept the surface of his mouth. My eyes followed the motion involuntarily as my brain decided to slow the whole scene down and watch it in slow motion.
My god this bastard, actually tried to use a beauty trap against me!