I had been told at Yarbrough I was Schizophrenic but what the fuck did they know? I was normal and I could prove it. I had been admitted into a mental facility in Arlington when they claimed I was having Epileptic episodes due to not being treated for "other" mental issues. I tried to explain to them every thought has a voice, and its normal to hear them, they just put me in a straight jacket. I had been so medicated since I left the hospital, and no one knew where I was. I had no identification at the donut shop and I was admitted under Jane Doe. I had over 12,000 dollars in my possession. 2 months later my mother found me, she had called Twan a few times and he had given up on finding me, he didn't know how.
When he finally came I hadn't looked the same, I could tell...and he didn't want a schizo I was certain and I knew he would move on. He kept asking about Ryella, I could hear them talking but could only respond with my eyes. "The voices tell her to do violent things so we keep her on the Risperidone. It keeps her calm..."
Mama said she hadn't known where my daughter was, I thought she was lying. Someone had brought her. Ryella had a funky attitude, I started to remember after she'd gone and WRONG bitch! Risperidone kept me dead. They constantly poked me, prying at my mouth to force me to swallow pills and shit. All I needed was weed! It always made the voices subside. I just wanted my baby, I deserved children! Why did they not want me to have her! She had to be in State Custody and had been there since the Grand Mal Seizure at the donut shop. I tried to scream for her! I just cried! That was all I could do. I needed my daughter, I would be fine! Was Christy dead? I loved Twan so much but could not tell him, he looked so disappointed, my hair hadn't been combed in weeks and they hadn't allowed me to shower. My facial expression was paralyzed, I pleaded. Even if we are never together again, please get me out!
"She needs to be here," Mama said. "She was always a sick girl. I thought she had conquered it but..."
Didn't she wanna see her granddaughter?!
He listened attentively. "I will allow her to get more treatment, and then take her home. A lot of damage may be irreparable since she's been off of her medication so long. Something triggered it, what happened the day she left?"
Please don't let her take me.
"I was asleep. She just...left. Her and the baby were gone when I woke up the next morning."
I just wanted to go home, did he love me enough still to fight for me? I had to leave, what else was I supposed to do! And the voices, of course they would come... SO MUCH STRESS! All I ever wanted was love, hadn't he given it to me? Did he forget he said he had all I needed? My heart screamed, PLEASE TWAN! I knew Mama would not get me out. Did he love me still, I just wanted to know. Did he feel like he was part of the blame? Hadn't he wanted us to be a family? His love could fix me like Redd's had. I had had no issues!
"In 90 days we will see how much improvement she has made and have her reevaluated to see if she can come home."
He knew what had driven me to that point, and he better had fucking done something about it.
"I'll return Saturday," Mama said. "Maybe I can get her to eat."
Mike said "She can eat Deez Nuts," I was so tickled inside.
Mama left and Twan stayed. "Don't stay too long, let her rest."
He looked so hurt, why hadn't he shaved? Why had his new bitch let him walk around looking like a bum, I wondered.
He pulled a chair in front of mine, sat down and rubbed my cheek with the back of his hand. I felt chills go through my body, his touch was so sensual. Then he took a napkin and wiped the drool from my mouth. All Mama had done was rubbed my hair and said, "Your hair has never been this nappy, and I don't even have a comb."
She had smelled like Gin.
He grabbed the front of my hair and started play braiding it. I was becoming aware but I knew my pill would some come. Everytime my senses started to come back they would give me more.
I wanted my baby girl, would I recognize her? They had brought her once, or had they?
His phone rang while he sat there, he ignored it. Was it her? I wondered...she was a skank, I just knew it! Was she treating him like I would have? She'd better been. I would kill the bitch. I couldn't feel and he seemed pissed because I wasn't reacting, it was aggravating him because I just stared. Do u love me Twan? U have to love all of me, not just parts.
"Where do u sleep? I'm tired. Do u wanna shower? Baby please say something, do u know who I am?"
OF COURSE! I tried to mouth Lover, but my lips wouldn't say it, my eyes said it for me.
He smiled. "Ok. Sssshhh."
Don't leave. Ryella...please, bring her.
"I have to find Calliope. Who did u give her to?"
Lady at the Donut Shop took her from Man! The State has her I'm sure!
He wanted to cry, I could see his wet eyes before he stood up and walked to the window. He gazed at the downward traffic for a while. When the door opened he greeted the evening shift nurse.
I didn't want the pill...did he know?!! HELP ME!
"Time for meds!"
"WHAT ARE U GIVING HER?"
"A sedative, and Fenobarbital for seizures. Open up Ms. Givens.."
I can't! Bitch squeeze my jaws apart like always! I had bit the cowboy piss out of her nappy wig wearing ass...
"Sometimes she resists..."
"Take it Baby, please! U will get better."
Oh, Sure.
"Open, just a little Sweetie Pie!"
BITCH!
"Visiting hours are over in 45 minutes, we have to feed the patients and showers start at 7."
She put the straw to my lips.
DON'T LEAVE ME TWAN!
"Ok, Well I guess I'll say my goodbyes. Baby..."
The pills are melting Twan! Please hurry...
The door closed, I needed a kleenex he needed to take the pills out of my mouth. I motioned my eyes at the box...several times. Dummy. I just opened my mouth and started drooling...
"OH! BABY...shit, hold on!"
He cleaned the pills from my mouth and laughed. He whispered "I love u" in my ear.
He did? Even now? I was pissy as a pole cat and on my mama my thighs were chaffed inside that straight jacket. Did he really have unconditional love? He needed me so he could kill Christy, how could he still want me?
"I'll be back, I have to find Calliope. I've searched everywhere...except foster care. I don't even know how to get her back, your mother said leave her because u aren't competent but we can do this Baby. Please get better, I need u. Are u still going to marry me?"
I knew I had swallowed some of the pill. His lips were moving but my networking was slowing down. Had he said Mama said leave her in foster care? I needed to talk to him so bad. I hadn't had a period, I would have known. He still had 45 minutes, why was he leaving? WHO HAD HE BEEN WITH? He didn't love me...how could he?
He started crying, "I can't see u like this! Bae! Why didn't u tell me?!!!"
Oh, you've found out your first child is by a schizo and u regret it? I knew he wouldn't come back. He was just talking. What he said sounded good and all but who would really come back for me? Not even my own mother! Only my parents could sign me out and take me home, not even Kerri. I felt so juvenile.
"They said I can't take u home, I've talked to everyone...but I'll be back, all day everyday until u..."
IF U LEAVE ME DON'T COME BACK! THIS IS YOUR FAULT TWAN! HOW COULD U LEAVE ME HERE!
My whole expression managed to change to evil...
He left, I stared at the wall and waited for the shower...it never came and I never went.
When the door closed behind him my heart exploded, the feelings I were not supposed to feel still existed the fucked up part was I could not react. I needed to cry or I would have a stroke! I needed to scream! I had had 24 seizures because I could not scream! As always the evening nurse had adjusted the air conditioner to 40 below...
That night as I laid on my side in the bed facing the wall I saw the light fill the room. It hadn't been Glen coming to rub and smell his hand but new nurses in scrubs instead, I couldn't read their badges. "Yes, she is being transported. Here is Dr. Farooqi's signature to have her evaluated at Piedmont in DeSoto."
The male nurse looked familiar.
"Where are her belongings?"
"Well she didn't come in with anything. Only a bag in property. Do u happen to have a copy of her insurance info?"
"Please retrieve it. Here is a form u should sign for release. I'll pick it up on the way to the sally port.
My Money...
The big belly bitch meant business and the nurse could tell.
I never noticed how much Tobias looked like Twan.
"Step in the hall sir," she said after seeing I was naked underneath the straight jacket...I recognized the gowns from Dr. Farooqi's office. She had just ran out in them one day with her clothes in her hand.
"Funky Bitch"...she whispered. "Yo ass is ripe."
Fuck u, just get me out.
She pushed me to the hallway where the "male nurse" waited and retrieved the form as we exited through the patient transport where a white van waited.
"HEEEEEEEY! WAIT!"
FUCK!
"HER BAG! SIGN HERE!"
Whew...
The van smelled like weed, Twan was in the driver's seat.