[To Mama]
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"Are you going to be okay…seeing me with someone else?"
Derek's expression had obviously darkened than before. The corner of his mouth twitched as it raised into a smirk. Hansel noticed his eyes narrowing as they held condemn and reproach in them. Hansel shuddered. He had been with Derek long enough to have noticed that look in his eyes often. But unlike before, this time his eyes were looking at him. Even the thought that the one Derek must be blaming inside his head was him, made Hansel's heart sink.
Anyhow, the cat was already out of the bag. But instead of sinking down to the floor, the bag still stood taut and upright. Who would have thought there was another larger, darker and wilder cat that was hiding inside, unwilling to concede. As if it had been waiting for knots to go loose the entire time, it wanted to escape out of the bag quickly.
"If that is what my master desires." Hansel replied to Derek. The cat had poked its head out first.
"I am asking you this not as your master and you know that." Derek was irritated. He was not the one who liked talking in a roundabout way and hated it even more when others did that to him. But he couldn't use force on Hansel nor did he want to raise his voice at him. The only thing he could do was prod him for answers. But Hansel was not ready to give in.
"I wouldn't dare to imagine any other title besides 'master' for someone of your standing." he replied, plainly.
"Even if I ask you to treat me as an equal? What if I command you to do so?" Derek clenched on to the sheets beneath him.
"When I walk on streets people don't know my name and I would prefer if it remained that way." Hansel said, getting up from the bed. Somehow the conversation was going completely astray from what he had hoped for. He had only wanted to confirm if Derek had any bride decided for him and if he'd still have a place to return to after coming back from the south, but somehow, his mouth managed to spout nonsense continuously. There was a pang in his heart when he realized he was actually turning down the Derek that was waiting for him.
"What are you trying to say?"
"We're too different. I am a nobody from a remote village. But you're not like me. You belong to the most influential noble household in the empire and you're so handsome that the Grand Master chiseled a no. of sculptures just to try and capture even a shred your beauty. "
"I don't care, Hansel! Fucking social standing, differences…I DON'T CARE! I NEVER did." Derek was loud enough to even startle Hansel, who had braced himself for this. He took Hansel's hands and pulled him toward himself, making him fall back on the bed. He took deep breaths to calm himself down while cupping Hansel's cheeks with his hand and said, "This blush which is making your cheeks red, isn't it the proof that you bleed just like me? How are we any different?"
"I…I mean, as a Wintern it is clear that you have a different path meant for you to take. And it has no place for me to walk beside you. I'm just a plain, boring man. What can I ever provide you with? So, if we were never meant to be, wouldn't it be easier to let go?" Hansel refused to back down even when his heart was dying to not lose Derek's warm embrace. But what he spoke was also true. Derek was aiming to become an imperial knight, which Hansel as a commoner, wouldn't even dream of. If he succeeded, Derek would be awarded a title of his own, a mansion in the capital and a territory in the empire. And there was no way Hansel could remain by his side when all eyes would become focused on this ambitious man in front of him, when he succeeds.
"Isn't it even easier to just spout some petty excuses to avoid responsibility?" Derek chuckled as he spoke, but his face explained the turmoil in his heart instead of the pathetic humor his laugh meant to convey. Hansel hid his face from Derek's view as it became shrouded with guilt. It was true that he was running away by making excuses, just to console his deplorable heart.
"What could you do for me? Heh! You have done so much for me without even realizing, it seems. And even if you didn't, I wouldn't have minded." Derek looked away from a Hansel who was busily trying to hide his face, and continued, "You know, I am not a marble sculpture standing on a square that people can conveniently spit on as they pass by. No! I get hurt too, sometimes by the most meaningless things that even I am ashamed to admit. And I am hurting now…its bad." The expressions on Derek's face were vivid but Hansel couldn't raise his head which was hung down in shame and look at him. He wanted to hug him and tell him that he wanted to run away together but, in the end, he just kept on biting his lip in anxiety, for he didn't know what Derek was going to speak next.
"Heh! What did I expect!" Derek laughed a loud laugh at Hansel's reaction. It was painful. "I never thought I was going to see you off like this but fine! Let's take a break. Take your time thinking about us while you are away from me and see if you want to return to me." He clenched his fist tightly as he spoke the words and released Hansel from his arms.
'And even if you don't want to, I will pull you to my side. Even if it means I'll have to use force.' But of course, Derek didn't speak his thoughts out loud.
Hansel immediately missed the warmth surrounding him but he could only watch Derek's silhouette walk away from him. quietly. Without wishing a goodbye.
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END OF SEASON 1
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