23. Fear, horror, shock, terror
"Aryanna, you need to wake up!" I was greeted by Hermione's agitated voice.
"What's wrong?" I slurred with closed eyes.
"Class starts in 20 minutes! I woke you half an hour ago and you said you'd come down for breakfast and now you're still in bed."
A vague memory of Hermione waking me earlier came to my mind and I groaned.
"Leave me here, I'm ill! I need to rest."
"Oh no, you're fine! Your injury was two days ago. Honestly, I don't know what's gotten into you this morning. You've never overslept." Commanding she grabbed my blanket and pulled it away from me.
"Hey!" I exclaimed loudly, leaving her unimpressed.
"Get up, now! I'm waiting downstairs." And with that she left, leaving me freezing in bed. Groaning and cursing I took a quick shower, threw some clothes on and run downstairs. I wasn't looking forward to Potions after Herbology this morning. Yesterday, I had spent my day after classes in the Gryffindor tower, avoiding Severus and Draco. I hadn't slept well, corresponding, I was tired now.
A frantic Hermione awaited me and dragged me wordlessly to Herbology class. I didn't really listen to what Professor Sprout was saying and made Gryffindor lose five points for repeatedly not paying attention. Sadly, time passed to quickly however and suddenly I found myself down in the Dungeons, waiting for our Potions teacher.
"Arya." Harry's call made me look in his direction.
"What?" It came out harsher than I had intended. Apologetically, I smiled slightly but Harry didn't seem offended. Instead he nodded to something behind me and I turned to see where he was looking. I found myself looking at none other than Draco and Blaise. They were talking and glancing at me now and then. Draco was leaning against the wall with crossed arms and when he noticed that I was looking at them he raised his eyebrows in my direction.
"Need something, Jackson?" He asked grinning. I gulped as I turned my gaze away and Harry gave me a reassuring smile. He had apologized to me and had accepted my lie that I hadn't planned on helping Draco.
"Ignore him." He told me now, casting Draco and Blaise a dark look. Before I could reply anything, Severus rushed past us and we entered the classroom. Biting my lip nervously, I entered keeping my head down. How much I wished this class to be over already!
The first half an hour passed surprisingly smooth. I hadn't looked anywhere else than my potion and Severus hadn't passed our table yet. The one thing annoying me was that Draco was at our table too. For now, I had managed to ignore him. Suddenly, however, he grinned broadly and I sensed something bad coming.
"Seen you pal Hagrid lately?" He asked us quietly.
"None of your business!" Ron snapped aggressively.
"Well, I'm afraid he won't be a teacher much longer. My father has influence, you know, and the fact that I've almost been injured isn't helping your oaf friend." My knife fell out of my shaking hands and Draco turned his gaze to me.
"Shut the fuck up, Malfoy!" I emphasized every word angrily.
"Sorry, did I insult your friend?" He said in a tone of mock sorrow. Then the corner of his mouth turned into a cold grin again. "I could talk to him, my father, you know. He could drop the case and your friend would be off the hook."
"I bet he'd do it." I stated ironically.
"Oh, he would if I asked him." I turned my attention back to my potion, hands still shaking. I knew what Draco wanted from me. He would talk to his father if I asked him to do it but that meant to reveal my feelings for him.
"Your father gives a shit about you!" I said laughing coldly and I could hear Ron and Harry snicker quietly. Draco knew that he had lost this round and turned to his potion, killing it with his gaze. I looked up grinning to myself and spotted Severus in a corner, standing behind the table of Pansy Parkinson, Blaise, Crabbe and Goyle. His face was slightly blurred of the steaming potions but he was starring at our table with an unreadable expression. As he noticed that I had caught his gaze he blinked and continued walking through the classroom.
After some time, Seamus told us about an article in the Daily Prophet: Sirius Black had been sighted not so far from here. Severus had decided to go on Neville again which left him standing shaking with fear. I hated if he acted like this. Luckily, Hermione had helped him with his potion so it wasn't to bad. I was happy, however, as I could leave the classroom.
When we arrived at Professor Lupin's classroom after lunch we found ourselves in an almost empty room. Chairs and tables had vanished, there was only a huge wardrobe left. Several people were whispering in surprise.
"Look at his robes." To my annoyance, Draco and his false friends had chosen to stand right behind us. I ignored him, knowing that he only wanted to provoke me once again.
Professor Lupin had entered the room and smiled warmly at us. "Good afternoon, everybody. Welcome to your first Defence against the Dark Arts lesson. I'm Professor Lupin and have the pleasure to lead you through your third year. Now, I see some books out, you won't need them. Today is a practical lesson." And with that he knocked with his wand against the wardrobe. The first row jumped back in surprise as it started rumpling.
"Nothing to worry about! It's a boggart in there."
A boggart. A creature that showed what you feared the most. A cold shiver run down my back as I stood rigid, starring at the wardrobe fearfully. I didn't know what was terrifying me the most.
"Now can anybody tell me what a boggart is?" Professor Lupin looked around for an answer.
"It's a shape-shifter." Hermione answered. "It takes the form of what fears us most." At that, many where exchanging looks with their neighbour. I knew what they were thinking. They didn't want to confront their biggest fear. I don't even know what I fear the most! I thought horrified. In my mind, I had a memory of my father but I knew that I wasn't afraid of him.
Lupin called for Neville to assist him and he made him face a boggart-Severus, transforming him into a confused Severus wearing clothes of Neville's grandmother. The whole class, except myself, roared with laughter.
"Right, that's it, Neville. See, you need to make a laugh out of your fear." Lupin exclaimed cheerfully. "I want all of you to think what you scare the most. Think of how you can make it turn into something comical." The room went silent and people started thinking and muttering under their breath. I tried hard to think of what I feared most but nothing came to my mind.
"Everyone ready?" Professor Lupin asked and most people nodded. Harry and I exchanged looks and I could see that he was as ready as I was. The class formed a line and I found myself in fourth position. I was shaking, I didn't know what I would face. Nervously, I looked around and saw that the boggart had transformed into a mummy. Parvati made it entangle its foot in a bandage and it fell. Next, was Seamus turn and he faced a banshee. Then it was Ron's turn and a giant spider appeared. I was on the edge of panicking now. I didn't know what to do and I would be next.
Stumbling, I walked backwards watching the spider horrified. "Arya." Harry called worried from behind me. I couldn't. I met the worried gaze of Professor Lupin but before he could say anything I turned around and left the room running.
I didn't stop running until I had arrived at the black lake. I let myself plop down in the grass and put my arms tightly around my legs, resting my head on my knees. It bothered me that I didn't know what I feared the most and I didn't want to face something I didn't know. Not in front of a whole class. Not in front of my friends. What if it really was my father? What if I only thought that I wasn't afraid of him? Surely, people would have panicked if they had seen Lord Voldemort in the classroom.
I stayed down by the lake until sunset, thinking about what the boggart may have shown me. After hours of thinking I wasn't slier than before. Walking slowly, I made my decision. I would go back to Lupin's classroom and face the boggart alone when nobody was there.
When I entered the castle the corridors were deserted. Dinner had ended twenty minutes ago so students were in their common rooms seeing as curfew would start in ten minutes. Quietly, I made my way up to our Defence against the Dark Arts class room. No light was on as I opened the locked door with magic. In the moonlight I saw that the wardrobe was still there. Gulping, I stepped closer and took out my wand. I concentrated and exhaled deeply with closed eyes. Determined, I raised my wand, fixing the wardrobe's handle with my gaze. Then I opened it with a bit of magic.
As a whirling something flew out through the gap I stumbled backwards in fear. I shouldn't have done it, I thought horrified but it was too late. Suddenly, my gaze was fixed at something that laid on the floor. As I approached slowly, I recognised what it was… and froze horrified. All of the sudden, all the air seemed to have vanished out of my body and a limp in my throat prevented me from breathing.
"No!" I whispered shocked and fell on my knees, not even feeling the pain as my knees collapsed hard on the wooden floor.
Severus' beautiful eyes were staring lifeless and coldly in my direction. All the blood had vanished out of his face and body. He was dead. I felt an invisible force squeezing my heart more and more.
"No." It was barely a whisper now and I started sobbing without taking my eyes of Severus. Slowly, I approached crawling and stretched out my arm to touch his face. My hand shook so badly as I put my hand on his cheek. Tears were streaming down my face now. I raised my right hand to put it on the other side on his face when I froze staring at it…
I held my wand in it… This wasn't real… Severus wasn't dead… It was a boggart…
In a second, I had backed away from the false body and raised my wand with a shaking hand. Still sobbing, I needed some attempts to speak the spell. "R..r…riddikulus."
CRACK! Where Severus' body had been lay now Hermione's. "No, no, no, no." I almost screamed sobbing. "Riddikulus." I said more determined.
CRACK! I stared at Draco's platin blond hair and his ice blue eyes. New tears were streaming down my face. I couldn't stop sobbing and my body wouldn't stop shaking in horror.
CRACK! Harry's dead body.
CRACK! Severus again.
CRACK! Blaise.
CRACK! Draco.
CRACK! Severus.
CRACK! Ron.
CRACK! Derek.
CRACK! Fred.
CRACK! Severus…
A soft hand on my shoulder made me scream up in fear.
"Arya, shh it's okay." It took me some moments to recognize Severus kneeling next to me through my blurred vision. As I looked around I saw that where the lifeless bodies had been stood now a very vivid Professor Lupin staring at me with furrowed eyebrows.
"Arya, look at me." I turned my gaze back to Severus. His dark eyes were warm. I could see the slight trace of red, blood, under his skin. I started sobbing again and new tears made their way down my face.
"Severus, I…You… I saw you dead." I said with trembling voice through my sobbing. Comfortingly, he pulled me in a strong embrace, pressing my head on his chest. I could feel his heart beating.
"Everything is fine, Arya. Everybody is okay." His soft voice made me cry even more. The shock was still in every inch of my body. Suddenly, reality hit me, causing another wave of horror making its way down my spine. Shaking, I lifted my head looking at Severus with fear. Then I turned my head staring at Professor Lupin who was watching us now with a curious expression.
Severus' arms had left my body and suddenly he was standing face to face with Lupin who was calm as always.
"Lupin," he said in a threatening voice. "You won't talk to anybody about this! Do you understand me? It is essential that nobody ever finds out about this."
Lupin watched him with an unreadable expression. Then he looked at me and back at Severus. "I swear."
"You better keep your promise!" Severus had already kneeled next to me again and helped me up now.
"Aryanna-" Lupin started but was cut off by Severus' harsh voice.
"Leave her alone! I don't want you near her. It's already enough that you're her teacher!" He was angry and I didn't understand why. Lupin hadn't done anything wrong.
"Severus, please." I begged with tears in my eyes. Protective, Severus took a step to the side, standing between Lupin and me.
"I see you still don't trust me." Professor Lupin said in a hopeless tone. "Albus has-"
"He has made a mistake by letting you come here! You're dangerous." I saw a flash of hurt crossing Lupin's eyes and I felt pity. I grabbed Severus' arm and he looked down at me, his gaze softening in less than a second. He watched me thoughtful then returned his gaze toward Lupin. Trying to control himself he clenched his jaw as he spoke again.
"For Aryanna's sake, I'll give you a chance. As long as you don't hurt her I'm not going to hurt you and try to be somewhat civil." Surprisingly, his voice was soft and Lupin nodded in respond.
"Before you leave: how comes that one girl made you become so protective, Severus?" Lupin asked, choosing his words carefully. A long silence followed at this in which Severus and Lupin stared at each other without moving. Then Severus sighted annoyed making Lupin's corner of the mouth twitch upwards.
"I'll answer you that one question but that's it! She's not just 'one girl'. Her mother asked me to protect her so I raised her for several years." Severus sounded exhausted and his tension left. Lupin seemed surprised to see such vulnerability in him. In a tone pleading for understanding he continued.
"Lupin, I know you were the most reasonable of the four of you so for her safety I'm asking you never to tell anybody what you saw here. Only Albus and Minerva know. I cannot have her hurt so I want you to stay away from here. I mean it! This is my first and last warning!" Now his voice was dangerous again.
"As I said, I won't tell anyone, Severus." Lupin wasn't scared of Severus but I could see that he seemed uncomfortable. Without another word in his direction Severus turned back to me.
"Come with me." I nodded and he made his way down to his office with me following him.
When we arrived at his office I was shaking again but out of coldness. I sat down on his chair and stared at the floor. Severus disappeared for a moment and I was left alone. The horrifying picture of all my dead friends flooded back into my mind and my eyes watered up again. Suddenly, a thick blanket was around my shoulders. Lifting my head, I was looking at Severus' dark eyes but they were lifeless and cold. Not able to watch at them any longer I turned my head away sobbing strongly.
"Aryanna, look at me." Severus said softly. Out of the corner of my eyes I saw that he had sat down in a chair facing me. He was leaning forward and had taken my hands in his. Crying, I shook my head.
"I can't." My voice broke.
"You have to look at me!" Severus repeated determining but again I shook my head. The burning feeling of his hand against my cheek forced my head up so I closed my eyes. I could hear him sighting. "I know why you don't want to look at me but you have to forget what you've seen."
"Forget?" I laughed sadly. "I will never ever forget it, Severus. I saw everybody dead. I saw you dead." I opened my eyes and watched him helpless. My voice turned into a whisper. "I don't know what I would do if one of my friend died, or Draco. But I do know that I couldn't live without you. You've always been there for me and I need you in my live. And today, I saw you dead over and over again and now you tell me to forget? I will never forget it because seeing that boggart made me realize how much I depend on all the people around me. Without them I'm nobody. And because you've been the first good thing in my life I can remember I need you the most. So forgive me if I won't be able to forget because of love."
Severus watched me with this unreadable expression again I had seen during Potions class today. Then he moved forward and pulled me on his lap, embracing me tightly.
"I swear, I'll do my best to protect your friends and your brother." At this, I lifted my head to look him in the eyes.
"And who is going to protect you? Who is making sure that I'm not losing you either, Severus?"
"I can protect myself." He said determined but I knew him better than that.
"If it comes down to it you would do the exact same thing I would do to protect my friends. You and I, we both know it. You would put the life of another over yours." Severus smiled warmly at me, giving me goose bumps all over my body again.
"I can assure you, I would not risk my life for somebody who doesn't deserve it. I'm not that heroic." The amusement in his voice made me smile too and I gazed down at my hands.
"I don't want you to be heroic, I just want you to be alive. After all, it's well known that most heroes die." I told him seriously.
"Well, I'm definitely not a hero so don't worry about me." He pulled my head up again. "Hey, look at me, Arya. You won't lose me, I promise. I'm certainly not leaving you alone with Black on the run and Lupin as your teacher." Severus' tone had turned gloomy and I furrowed my eyebrows.
"What's your problem with Professor Lupin by the way? I mean you weren't acting fair before. He didn't do anything."
Severus laughed shortly but it didn't reach his eyes. Now it was my turn to make him look at me.
"You know him, don't you?" Severus clenched his jaw as he nodded.
"Oh yes, I know him. He, Black, Potter and Pettigrew were close friends." The disgust in his voice alarmed me. Never had he spoken of anyone like this.
"Wait… Potter as in Harry Potter?" Severus nodded again.
"His father. A spoiled kid and arrogant just like Sirius Black." He spat and I gasped.
"Sirius Black? How did he end up in Azkaban?"
"His whole family was in Slytherin. In fact, Bellatrix Lestrange and Narcissa Malfoy are his cousins. Nevertheless, Black was sorted in Gryffindor along with Potter, Lupin and Pettigrew. As the Potter's went into hiding they put their trust in Black and he betrayed them. He killed Pettigrew along with twelve muggles but luckily he got caught. And now he managed to break out of Azkaban. Something, no wizard ever managed before. The ministry's fear is that he might be after Harry to end his work for the Dark Lord."
Severus closed his story and stared absentminded at his left forearm. Gentle, I took his left hand in mine and he smiled half-heartedly.
"You will never have to go back to him, Severus. Even when the time comes that Tom Riddle rises again you will fight with me." Now, his smile turned into a true smile, the one I loved so much.
"What would I do without you?" He chuckled deeply and I could feel it vibrate through my body.
"Well… you still didn't tell me why you hate Lupin." As fast as his happiness had come up it vanished.
"Oh, Potter and his friends used to make fun of me all the time in Hogwarts. I was their personal target. And even if Lupin didn't do anything to me he never did anything to make them stop."
There was a long moment of silence in which I didn't know what to say to help him. It had all happened many years ago.
"Leyanne was the first person to help me as she started in fifth year and that's how we became friends in the first place. Even if Lilly - Harry's mother – warned her to stay away from me she didn't listen and like you she preferred to make her own decision about people." He explained to me.
"Why did you tell Lupin that I'm in danger in your proximity, Severus?" I asked quizzical and he shook his head.
"No matter how much I would like you to know I can't tell you. Albus would know where you got this information from and I don't want you to get into trouble." Warningly, he looked me deep in the eyes and I flushed. I had managed to get into so much trouble already in only two years.
"Fine, now… I think it's time for you to go to bed now. It's already way past curfew and you have classes tomorrow." Smiling, he took me by my waist and lifted me off his lap.
"But I don't want to sleep now." I whined but he noticed my slight yawning.
"No discussion. I'm escorting you back to Gryffindor tower and then you're going to sleep." He commanded and I groaned in agreement. As I turned around Severus was already holding the door open for me and I passed under his arm grinning happily.
"Quit the grin, please!" Severus said ironically but I heard the amusement in his tone.
"Definitely not, professor!" At that he snorted and my grin grew even bigger.