30. TILL DEATH DO US PART
An eerie calm had appropriated Sirius as he stood watching the last preparations for the ritual that would hopefully bring back the Harry he knew. He was in a state of mind where he had resigned himself to every possible outcome of this. The best-case scenario was of course that this new bond would completely negate the old one and though everyone else seemed cautiously optimistic, Sirius didn't dare to hope because there were still two other possibilities. Either, nothing would happen and Sirius wasn't sure if that wasn't even worse than if they died, which was the third and very probable option. The theory sounded simple enough, just detach their souls from their bodies so that they could be bonded more closely, but if Sirius had learned anything from his father, it was that you really shouldn't tamper with death because it was the one opponent that always won in the end.
His eyes clouded over a bit, and the shadows around him became darker as he remembered his early childhood when his father had still been proud of him and had told him stories of his family and the wizarding world. He thought he must have been happy then, growing up in a world full of magic and with strict but nonetheless loving parents, in a house that, albeit a bit dark, held so many secrets that you could go exploring every day and still find something new. He certainly had had everything he could wish for, more than any average teenager. Regulus had been his best friend then, and he had loved to tell him stories, show him secrets and teach him new things. How often had they got into trouble? And how often had Sirius taken the blame so that his brother wouldn't discover the crueller side to his parents, the side that was so well hidden under pleasantries and generosity, the side they never showed in public, the side he silently feared? Maybe his brother wouldn't have been so eager to replace him if he had experienced and seen some of what Sirius had. Maybe he wouldn't have joined the Death Eaters and tried to back out when he realised what serving Lord Voldemort really implied.
He shook his head to rid himself of these thoughts that would amount to nothing. His parents were dead, Voldemort was dead and his brother was dead as well, which brought him back to the topic at hand. Death had won, and he was rather skeptical of the idea to just die for a little while and then come back to life. It sounded ludicrous. Amor vincit omnia. Love conquers all. Well, he would soon find out if love also conquered death and, what was even more important, if love could conquer that thrice-damned bond.
"Sirius," Remus called softly, putting a hand on his shoulder. "It's time."
The shadow veela nodded and squared his shoulders before he stepped into the circle on the floor that had been drawn with chalk. Runes of love and protection ran around it in regular intervals, both to give the ritual more strength and to confine their ghosts to their bodies. Harry was still asleep, which was all right with Sirius. He didn't have the energy to wake him and explain what was going on, though that would probably be the sensible thing to do.
Two potion vials and a small silver dagger had been placed inside the circle. His hand shook as he reached for one of the potions to give to Harry, who had been dressed in simple white robes to symbolise him being the submissive and lay on his back, his hands folded over his chest. The way that the bodies of dead people were arranged when they were placed in their coffins for their final rest. Sirius shuddered. He placed a chaste, tender kiss on Harry's soft lips and then uncorked the vial, setting it down once more. His fingers wrapped tightly around the dagger. With a determined exhale of breath, he quickly slashed it across his palm, clenching his injured hand into a fist to hold it over the open vial so that a few deep red drops fell into the potion. The veela closed the small bottle once more and gently shook it The once crystal potion took a soft rose colour as it mixed with his blood. Sirius quickly poured it down Harry's throat before he could think anymore of it.
A bit more reluctantly, he reached for Harry's pale hand and, after brushing an apologetic kiss over his knuckles, made a shallow cut on his palm, allowing two drops to roll into the second vial. The grey-eyed wizard stretched out on the ground next to Harry, almost hastily downing his potion and closing his eyes. The potion would take effect in a few minutes and would last for about an hour, giving them enough time to complete the ritual. He carefully reached over and took Harry's hand in his so that their blood mingled, but barely touching so as not to imprison it in any way, not wanting to repeat past mistakes.
He was vaguely aware of the people standing around them and the scent of incense that permeated his nostrils. Fatigue crashed down on him and soon he couldn't have opened his eyelids even if he had wanted to. His limbs felt heavy like lead, but his body seemed weightless. He wondered when the part with his whole life flashing in front of his eyes would come, but as he tried to think of something he would like to see, he couldn't think of much. Azkaban had stolen and tainted most of his happy memories and they were only just starting to come back. Harry. He wanted to think of Harry. The Harry who had been so alive and cheerful and loving, his Harry, not this corpse. In a way, he was curious how dying would feel like and he smiled a little. He had always been curious.
At first, Sirius didn't notice when his heartbeat slowed to a stop, when he didn't seem to be able to breathe anymore and for some reason, still felt alive. But then he opened his eyes again and found to his surprise that he wasn't lying on the floor anymore, but was hovering in an upright position. He looked down at himself with interest, not sure what to expect. His form was pearly-white and transparent so that he could look right through his hand as he held it in front of his face. He hovered several inches above his now dead body and noted happily that he didn't look all that dead.
Dumbledore cleared his throat and his ghostly head snapped up, coming face to face with Harry's spirit that floated in midair opposite of him, his eyes still closed.
"Harry?" he questioned, gently reaching for Harry's transparent hand, but the other's eyes didn't open. "What's wrong with him?"
"The bond put his soul to sleep," Dumbledore answered his desperate gaze. "I had already feared something like that. Do you see the rays of light that are wrapped around Harry and seem to lead to you?" Sirius nodded, brushing his free hand through one of them. "It's your magic that holds him captive. Are you ready to commence?"
Sirius gave a jerky nod, trying to remember what he had to do, which wasn't much anyway. Dumbledore must have sensed his trepidation and confusion and sent him one of his beaming, twinkly-eyed smiles that were as annoying as they were reassuring. How could anything go wrong if Dumbledore could still smile like this?
"Take his hands in yours," Dumbledore instructed him, while Remus and Lucius lit five candles and placed them between the runes, activating them, so that a force field of golden light appeared and trapped the two ghosts.
"Spirits from the other side," Dumbledore began to chant, raising his hands to the sky-like ceiling. "Bind their souls, bind their minds, from now on to the end of time. In shadow and light, these lovers unite, through night and day, their love shall never decay. Spirits from the other side, I call on thee, bind these two for eternity."
Dumbledore recited the incantation thrice more and Sirius could indistinctly make out the elaborate gestures he accompanied his words with through the force field, but halfway through the second repetition he started to feel vaguely lightheaded. His transparent hands held Harry's a little tighter because he had the not-quite-unreasonable fear that he needed something to hold onto so that he wouldn't ascend and fade completely.
Transparent wings burst from his back, accompanied by the happy, melodious chirping of birds, a sensual melody sung by female voices and the sound of wind rushing through soft feathers, beating against leathery wings, of crackling fire and the smooth silence of shadows and ice that danced around them both.
Suddenly Harry's eyes snapped open and though they weren't their usual emerald green they shone with an alertness and understanding that he hadn't seen in weeks. He felt hope soar in his chest. His mouth formed Harry's name without any sound escaping and a small smile seemed to play about Harry's lips. He squeezed the small hands in his and felt an answering squeeze, however weak it was.
Sirius tugged gently and Harry glided one step forward, moving into his arms and snuggling into his chest as the force field around them seemed to close in on them and wrap around them like a cloak, bringing them even closer together. From the runes around them more beams of light swirled up and enclosed them like ropes of magic, entwining their bodies.
Warmth spread from his heart into every part of his body, into his fingertips and his toes and a similar warmth came from Harry, warming him from the outside. Suddenly, he was keenly aware of not only his own heartbeat, but also of Harry's, softly thumping against his chest. Sirius had never thought that ghosts had heartbeats, but maybe it was a sign that the potion was gradually losing its effect and that they soon would return to life.
He closed his eyes again as he felt Harry's ghost disappearing from his arms as he drifted back into his body. Soon after, he felt how he was pulled back down as well. Harry's hand warmed in his and he gave it a tentative squeeze, before he turned his head to the side and looked at Harry. Green eyes slowly fluttered open.
"Harry," his voice sounded rough as he hastily sat up and leaned over his shivering mate. "How are you feeling, gorgeous?"
The small elf scrunched up his nose in thought and his forehead crinkled as he analysed how he felt. "Pretty crappy."
Sirius laughed softly at that, pulling Harry into his strong arms while relief flooded his veins.
"Why are you laughing?" Harry asked, hurt tinting his voice, and he tried to draw back, but Sirius wouldn't let go. "My head hurts, my throat is sore and I think I might throw up. I really don't see what you find so amusing."
"I'm just so relieved, Harry," Sirius choked out, pressing small kisses on the elf's slender neck. "I've got you back. I love you."
Harry relaxed at that, nuzzling into the older man. "I love you, too."
"Oh, Harry..."
"Are you sure that you are feeling alright?" Harry asked hesitantly, making another weak attempt to bring some distance between them.
"Don't you remember what happened?" Sirius asked desperately. "Please, I can't go through this once more. This just has to have worked. Try to remember, please."
Harry furrowed his forehead in thought before he suddenly scrambled back, whimpering softly.
"Harry!" several voices shouted at the same time, but Ron was the first at his side and wrapped his long arms around his best friend, glaring over his head at Sirius, who didn't dare approach them.
"Hey mate," Ron murmured, but then stopped since he didn't know what to say in such a situation, but thankfully Hermione was more eloquent and started to calm Harry down.
"Sev," Harry whispered, sounding desperate. "Sev."
"Professor Snape, sir," Hermione called, looking up at the tall man, "I think he's asking for you."
The Potion's Master was at their side in a matter of seconds and pulled Harry into his own arms, gently rubbing his back as the elf sobbed into his robes and muttered unintelligible things.
"Severus, I'm sorry, so sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Sev..."
"Now calm yourself," he returned gruffly, carding his long fingers through Harry's thick black hair. "We can talk about this later, for now you need to calm down. I'm not angry with you. Can you answer a few questions for me?"
Harry nodded almost hastily, but only tightened his arms around his neck. For a moment, Severus was foolishly afraid that he would be choked to death, though he knew that Harry didn't have enough strength to accomplish such a feat.
"Do you remember what happened these last few weeks?" Harry nodded again. "Can you tell me?"
"Something went wrong with the bond," Harry whispered. "I couldn't... think clearly anymore. I was so mean to you and... Merlin, I..."
"You what, Harry?" Severus asked gently.
"Slut, acted like a total slut." Harry sobbed, clutching his robes. "Disgusting, vile. Didn't want me. Hurt so much..."
"Hush, Harry, it wasn't your fault," Severus assured him. "It was the bond and Black's influence. Harry, listen to me." He shook him by the shoulder before stressing every word, "It was not your fault."
"But..."
"No, Harry, enough of this. It was not your fault and you should not have had to go through this," Severus said softly. "It's over now."
"Really?" Harry whispered. "But you'll never be able to forget what I did to you."
"No, and therefore I will be all the more grateful to have my friend back, Harry. That was not you, I know that and you should know that too," Severus explained to him, relieved and elated with having the slender youth in his arms, no sneers, no insults, no cold politeness, just Harry being annoyingly emotional and him having to play the shoulder to cry on. He sneered, but it lacked rancour.
"It's not Sirius' fault." Harry sniffed.
"I didn't say that..."
"Doesn't mean that you don't believe that," Harry argued weakly. "But it's not Sirius' fault."
"I know. Why don't you go over there and tell him? He looks rather dejected," Severus suggested mildly, controlling his own emotions, but Harry vehemently shook his head.
"No, no, I... can't."
"Why not?" Severus asked, surprised. "Why can't you?"
"Because I love Sirius, but I'm not sure why," Harry whispered finally after a long silence. "I just don't know anymore, Sev... What if it's another spell, another bond, another bout of forced feelings? I hated him, Severus, for one moment, I hated him, hated him so much that... How can I just go back to loving him after that? But I did and I loved him again and tried to please him, like nothing had ever happened because I didn't want the bond to hurt me again. I can't just love Sirius because I'm afraid of pain, that's just not right. This bond destroyed more than just our relationship, it destroyed me."
"Harry..."
"Just don't force me to go back to Sirius right now," Harry pleaded. "I need time to think over my feelings. Please."
"Do you want to stay with me for as long as it takes you to sort out everything?" Severus offered, and Harry nodded gratefully, not quite managing a smile.
"Will you tell Sirius that..."
"I'm sure he'll understand, Harry. He loves you enough to wait for you," the thin wizard forced himself to say. "I'll be right back, yes? Do not leave again."
Harry reluctantly let go of him, and Ron and Hermione once again took him in their arms, trying to soothe him, while Severus walked over to Sirius and Remus. The werewolf had put a comforting arm around the Animagus' shoulders.
"What did he say? Is he alright?" Sirius assailed him with questions, kneading his hands in distress. "Is there something wrong?"
"Calm down, Black, no need to get hysterical." Severus sneered, this time with enough rancour to compensate for the earlier absence of it. "He's just a bit confused and needs time to come to terms with everything that happened. He doesn't feel up to facing you right now. He needs time."
"What do you mean he doesn't feel up to facing me?" Sirius asked incredulously.
"I thought that was rather clear, but apparently you aren't able to appreciate it when someone tries to be gentle about breaking such news," the Potion's Master snapped. "He doesn't want to see you because he's afraid that you'll influence his feelings again and because he doesn't know what he should be feeling for you or any of us. Was that blunt enough for you?"
"But... other than that, other than being confused and hurt emotionally, he's alright, right?" Sirius finally asked, now gnawing his bottom lip.
"As far as I could tell he's back to normal, just, as I believe I said before, confused," the black-eyed wizard retorted, rolling his eyes. "I'll check him over later, but it seems like the ritual was a full success."
"So is he staying with you?" Sirius asked, looking not at all happy.
"Yes." Severus' eyes narrowed, and there was a hint of triumph in his voice. "He wants to stay with me."
Sirius growled. "If you try anything..."
"Like what?" Severus raised a sarcastic eyebrow.
"You know exactly what I'm talking about! You were after Harry even when we were still in school. You never were good at losing, though you sure had enough practise." The grey-eyed man glared at him. "You would jump at the first chance you got, wouldn't you? You wouldn't hesitate to take advantage of Harry."
"I don't care if you are hurt or depressed or not yourself, Black, but I swear that if you ever say something like that again I'll kill you in the most creative way I can come up with and if my creativity should fail me, I will make it as painful as possible." Severus grabbed the slightly smaller man by the collar, pressing him up against a wall and hissing through his teeth; he completely ignored Remus, who tried to appease him. "Yes, I had a crush on Harry, but I respected his decision when he told me that he wanted to give you a chance, which, in my opinion, you haven't earned nor used in the slightest. He's my friend, and I don't know if you have noticed as you're obviously so self-absorbed, but I'm together with your friend and your little jealous fit was not only grossly offensive to me, but also to Harry and Remus and you would do well to work on your attitude if you expect Harry to take you back, since he's wondering at the moment why the hell he ever loved you."
"Severus." Remus pried his hands away with gentle force, taking them into his own. "Are you okay, love?"
Severus scowled at him, freed his hands and turned his back on them. "I'll stay with Harry here in Hogwarts."
"Wait," Sirius stopped him, heaving a big sigh when Severus actually stopped, but then determinedly pressed on. "What I said was unfounded and I'm sorry for all the implications my words had, Snape. Please, take good care of him and tell him - "
"Merlin, why do all Gryffindors have to be emotional fools?" Severus groaned. "I already told him that you love him, but if it shuts you up, I'll tell him again."
Sirius watched him go, watched him as he gathered Harry in his arms, watched him as he carried his frail love out of the hall, watched as the door shut behind them. He wasn't sure what he was feeling or what he was supposed to feel. There were so many feelings waging war inside of him that he felt empty. Remus stayed with him and after everyone had said their good-byes and tried to get him to react with some well-meant phrases, the werewolf took him back to his cottage. He barely noticed any of it. All he could think of was that he hadn't planned their Christmas like that.