31. ONE WEEK
Sirius woke the next morning, a Wednesday, feeling strangely refreshed and adventuresome. For a moment, he suspected that Remus had practised cheering charms on him, but then he found to his surprise that the werewolf was still sleeping due to the fact that it was only a few minutes past five.
Shrugging it off, he decided to take a shower, not feeling like lying in bed and being accused of moping. There was nothing to mope about, anyway, the bond had worked and he was sure that Harry still loved him. He had seen it in the way he had smiled at him, the way he had melted into his touch, the way his eyes had lit up. He was finished with all the depressive thoughts and doubts. It was time to be optimistic.
While the warm water pounded over his back, relaxing his muscles, he thought about what he should do while he waited since sitting at home seemed little appealing to him. Besides, he had things to do so that he wouldn't be distracted when he got Harry back. First of all, he needed a job, or more like he wanted a job because with all the money he had inherited he really didn't have to work, but he had spend enough time in Azkaban doing nothing and if he was honest with himself, he liked the thought of earning a living for Harry and himself. He needed a place to live, somewhere to call home. He needed to settle all the legal business that was still outstanding. There were certainly still more things to do, but he would think of that later, maybe after he had made breakfast. For now, those three major tasks seemed like a good start.
He got dressed in comfortable slacks, chose a burgundy red button-up shirt and put out formal robes, in case that he should find a promising job offer in today's Daily Prophet. Sirius then went down to the kitchen and started to make scrambled eggs and bacon, the only food he could more or less cook. Just as he was putting the product of his cooking - slightly more brown than he had intended, but all in all still edible - on a plate, a Remus with mussed hair and still in his bath robe came stumbling through the door, looking up at him through bleary eyes.
"Sirius..." Remus mumbled, staring at him. "You look good."
"Why, thank you, I haven't heard that in a while." Sirius grinned at him, "Eggs?"
"Eggs?" the werewolf echoed dumbly.
"Yes, you know, for breakfast." Sirius waved a bit too enthusiastically with the pan so that one or two pieces of egg landed on the floor.
"Sure," Remus finally answered, sitting down on the table, and accepted the plate Sirius' handed him. "You must excuse me, but I'm a bit surprised to see you so cheerful."
Sirius shrugged, shuffling some eggs into his mouth before he answered, "Why wouldn't I be cheerful? It worked and though I wished that Harry wouldn't need this time to sort things out, I can understand him. How would you feel if had lived out the feelings and wishes of someone else for over two weeks? I know that I would be pretty much confused as well and I can understand that Harry needs time to himself, away from me."
"Aren't you at least upset that he's with Severus? Don't tell me that you like him all of a sudden," Remus said, cutting of some burnt bacon and delicately placing it at the side of his plate.
"Of course not." Sirius looked truly scandalised, gritting his teeth. "It's driving me insane that he's with Snape! I truly regret what I said yesterday, but I still can't help being jealous and slightly worried. I mean, sure, he's your lover, and Harry already told him that there would never be anything between them but friendship, but dammit, I hate the thought of what could happen if Snape suddenly decides that he won't accept Harry's rejection any longer. What if he tries the same as Malfoy, both Malfoys, and I'm not there to prevent it... Bloody hell, Remus, wouldn't you be worried as well, aren't you worried?"
"A little bit," Remus admitted quietly. "But not because I don't trust Severus or Harry. It's just... I'm not the most attractive of men, I turn into a monster once a month and Harry has that eternal beauty and the soul of an angel. Paddy, I don't think anyone can compete with that and I can understand that you are so protective and possessive of him. Anyone would."
Sirius glared at him. "I had rather hoped you would say something that would reassure me and not make me even more nervous about this whole ordeal."
"Sorry." The werewolf sighed, sending him an apologetic half-smile. "If it helps, I trust Severus. He's not the kind of person to go behind someone's back and he would never take advantage of Harry. It's been twenty years, Sirius, and for the longest time Severus saw Harry merely as James' son. I don't think he'll ever completely forgive himself for how he treated him and will always think that Harry deserves someone better than him - or you, but that's another subject."
"Gee, thanks, now I feel better." Sirius shook his head.
"I had the impression that you were feeling really good," Remus stated, watching him.
"That's because I avoided thinking off that," the Animagus snapped. "And if you ignore the fact that Harry is with Snape of all people, thinking about whether he still loves me or not, I have every reason to be relieved and happy."
"I'm sure that Harry still loves you, he's just..."
"Confused, yes, I've heard that before," Sirius grumbled, displeased, running one hand through his still slightly wet hair. "I'm not stupid, you know, you don't have to tell me things every ten minutes so that I don't forget them again and despite what you think I know Harry."
"I didn't mean to hurt you, Paddy," Remus amended. "Of course you know Harry and I don't doubt that you love each other."
"I'm just so glad to know that he's okay again," Sirius murmured. "After all I put him through, the least I can do is give him one week for himself."
"One week?" Remus raised an eyebrow, trying to remember if Severus had said anything about one week. "How do you reckon it will be only one week?"
"Because I decided so," Sirius told him bluntly with a wry grin. "I may understand Harry's need for privacy, but I won't allow him to distance himself from me and if he hasn't talked to me by New Year's Eve, I will make sure that he does. My patience isn't big enough to last any longer."
Remus' smile was partly amused and partly understanding, like he had finally found his old friend under all the layers of grime, exhaustion and sadness Azkaban had left him with. Sirius grinned back at him, downing the last of his highly sugared coffee.
"So, what should we do while we wait for our respective partners to come out of their isolation?" Remus asked.
"I don't know what you are doing, but I'm going to look for a job. Has the Daily Prophet arrived yet?"
"Yes, it's still up in my room," Remus offered, getting up from the desk. "Do you want me to come with you?"
"No offence, Moony, but I'm lucky if I find someone who can overlook my years in Azkaban. I don't think my chances will improve any if I introduce them to my best buddy, the werewolf."
"I guess you're right." Remus sighed. "I'll keep my fingers crossed."
"Thanks." Sirius grinned at him, patting his shoulder as he passed him to get the newspaper. "Let's hope that it helps."
Sitting cross-legged on his bed, going through the job openings, he wasn't sure that it would help him even if all Hogwarts students crossed their fingers for him. Of course, it would be easier if he actually had an idea what kind of job he wanted. In school, he had always thought he wanted to be an Auror, like James, but now he firstly had no desire to work for the Ministry and secondly he wasn't sure if that hadn't been just childish dreams and misguided loyalty. Though, he guessed that if all else failed he could still play the guilt card and get a job at the Ministry. He grimaced at the thought. Better find something else. There were several part-time jobs, but he really didn't think that being a waiter for Florean Fortescue's was the right job for an almost forty-year-old wizard.
There was one advert for a job at a library and he decided to give it a try even though he couldn't imagine himself behind a counter, surveying rows and rows of books and from time to time stamping the books someone wanted to borrow or putting the returned books back into their shelves. That was more Remus' kind of thing. But he told himself that he could check the other newspapers while he was there and after they rejected him. There were bound to be some more openings.
He threw on his robes, checked himself once more in the mirror as he made his way over to the fireplace. There was an address given in the advert and he landed in something like a side room where jackets, robes and forgotten umbrellas were stored. There was also a plan pinned to the door and after briefly scanning it and finding it none too helpful, he just pushed the door open and came face to face with a scowling witch.
"I was wondering when you were going to come out," she said crisply in a sandpaper voice. "Are you here for the job?"
"Yes, good day, madam." He gave the witch his most dazzling smile and got a slightly less stern scowl in return. "I hope it's still available."
"We will see about that," the tiny, wiry woman returned, appraising him with her eyes, and he had to make a conscious effort not to shift uncomfortably. "Name?"
"Sirius Black," he waited for the inevitable gaping, staring or running away screaming, but none of that followed.
"Education?"
"Hogwarts, I have my NEWTs results with me if you want to see them," he offered quickly, reaching into his pocket, but she stopped him.
"Mr. Black, you don't look like you just came fresh out of Hogwarts so I doubt that those would influence my decision very much." She filled in some form, eying it critically. "What do you think qualifies you for this job?"
"Well, I..." he faltered, not having thought that he might even get this far. "I'm good with people, I have good manners, I don't smoke or drink unless it's a special occasion..."
"Mr. Black, those are all very nice qualities, if we were to go on a date - "
"Oh, no, I'm married - more or less, I wouldn't... I mean you are beautiful, but I love someone else..." he interrupted her, looking shocked.
"Mr. Black, there's no need for flattery, if you'd just answer my question: What qualifies you for this job?" her scowl was replaced by something like a smirk that was a lot more upsetting than her previous expression.
"I'm good at Levitation Charms?" he suggested weakly. "Honestly, I don't know what would make you choose me. I'm not exactly partial to books, I can't sit still for a long time and I just came out of Azkaban - "
"Enough, Mr. Black," she stopped his babbling once again. "Do you want this job or not?"
"Of course, I want this job," Sirius declared, quite convincingly if he said so himself.
"Though I doubt the truth of that statement, we might as well try," her tight-lipped smile reminded him of Professor McGonagall. "About every two weeks there are presentations about possible careers and further education, mostly of course for young witches and wizards, but I'm sure you will benefit from those as well. Let me give you the tour."
"Are you serious? You really give me the job?" Sirius exclaimed, grinning from ear to ear.
"That's what I said, now, if you would follow me?"
"Oh, thank you, you don't know how much this means to me." He hugged her exuberantly, lifting her up a little so that her feet dangled several centimetres above the floor.
"I think I have a rather good idea of it, Mr. Black, if you would let me down?" If he wasn't completely mistaken, a faint blush was gracing her slightly wrinkled cheeks and it didn't fade completely as she showed him around.
The library stretched over three floors and was separated into eight different sections, each with its own issuing desk and employee responsible for keeping things quiet and peaceful and the precious books unharmed. Sirius got the section with dictionaries, lexica and other books of reference and the books about laws. He was already bored by it and the only visitor they met was so engrossed in a thick tome explaining all the words from D to E that he didn't seem to notice their presence. The librarian, who had finally introduced herself as Bridget Sharp and graciously allowed him to call her Mrs. Sharp, also handed him a folded pamphlet with all the dos and don'ts that he would have to enforce and then, shortly before releasing him, handed him a moderately sized manual for the good employee. The only upside to his new job - safe for the fact that he actually got it - was that he only had to work from nine a.m. to one p.m. at least during the holidays and the payment was fairly reasonable as well.
All in all he was rather satisfied with his day's work when Mrs. Sharp finally released him from her clutches, and he made a mental check behind the first point of his to-do-list: Find a job.
On Thursday, he once again woke at an unearthly hour and used the time he had to spare before he needed to go to work to go through the Daily Prophet, this time through the real estate offerings. But he found nothing to his liking and so he decided to wait until he came back from work so that he could have Remus help him.
"Awake so early?" Remus came into the kitchen, warily looking at the sink where several pans and plates were having a nice get-together. "No breakfast today?"
"I forgot the pancakes when I was reading the Prophet." Sirius shrugged a little. "They burnt. I thought it would be safer if you made breakfast today."
"Rather you didn't want to wash the dishes and left it to me." Remus rolled his eyes, but got to work and cleaned the pan and the stirring bowl before he started on the pancake dough. "Are you nervous about your first day of work?"
"I suppose so." Sirius took a sip of his coffee. "It's not like it's the most demanding job or anything and I don't intend to stay there for the rest of my life."
"You could at least give it a try." Remus softly shook his head. "You might even come to like it." Sirius just raised one eyebrow skeptically. "Okay, maybe it's not your thing. I never expected you to work in a library, but it's a start, right? Once the wizarding world notices that you aren't insane or out for revenge, there will be more people willing to employ you."
Sirius nodded absentmindedly. "Maybe I'll take one of the courses they offer. Hey, Moony, will you help me with finding a house?"
"Sure, we can go once you come back from work," Remus agreed readily. "What are you looking for exactly?"
"A house, I already said that," Sirius mumbled, around his mouthful of pancakes.
"What kind of house, Sirius?" Remus asked patiently. "How much space do you want? Where? In a muggle neighbourhood or somewhere secluded? Old or new? How much are you willing to spend?"
"Don't know, when I see it, I will know." Sirius shrugged uncaringly.
"Why don't you wait and go looking for a home together with Harry? It will be his house as well, after all."
"I want to surprise him," the Animagus replied. "And if the new house shouldn't be to his liking, I'll sell it again and we'll buy another one. I just want to offer him something."
"Sirius, I don't think you need to buy a house to impress Harry."
Sirius glared at him. "I know that, but that doesn't mean that I can't spoil him a little. It's not like he ever had anyone to spoil him before... That reminds me, are you up to visiting the Dursleys?"
"Sirius, no, that is not an option." Remus gave him a stern look. "I can understand that you aren't happy about their treatment of Harry. I'm upset about it too, but I certainly won't let you go there so that you can do something stupid and land yourself back in Azkaban."
"Why do you always assume that I'll do something irrevocably stupid?" Sirius glared at him.
"Because you usually do," Remus deadpanned, and Sirius glared at him. "Do you really think that the Ministry isn't watching your every step anymore? They will have you in a full-body bind and ship you off to Azkaban if as much as the first syllable of a possible insult passes your lips. Do you really think Harry would want that?"
"So you suggest that I just let it slide? That I just let them get away with neglecting him? Do you even know what they did, Remus, do you? What do you know about it, anyway? You have no idea what they might have done to him," Sirius snapped at him, slamming his cup down on the table.
"Unlike you I do, Sirius," Remus growled at him, his temper rising. "Don't you think I'm angry? I don't need you to make me feel guilty because I couldn't do anything to prevent it, because Harry grew up in a hateful environment. And you don't need to explain it to me, either, because I know just as much about those kinds of things as you. Most of all it is not fair of you to make me worry once again about your safety and Harry's happiness. It's time you grow up, Sirius, this is no longer Hogwarts where Dumbledore turned a blind eye on all our misdoings and laughed at our pranks. There's no safety net anymore, least of all for an ex-convict, however innocent you are, and a werewolf. If you give them a reason, they will not hesitate to imprison you again or do even worse. Grow up, Sirius!"
The black-haired man glowered at him, pushing his chair back with so much force that it clattered to the floor. "Fine, if you don't care about Harry... I'm off to work."
Remus' hurt expression told him all too clearly that he had been wrong in saying what he had said and he knew, theoretically at least, that Remus was right with everything he had said. Nonetheless, he quickly left the kitchen and used the floo network to get to work. He was more than half an hour early and while he waited for Mrs. Sharp to arrive and unlock the main doors for him, he couldn't stop seeing Remus' pained face, the dark amber eyes, framed by two many worry lines and already greying hair.
Life had been fair on none of them, not on him, not on Harry, but also not on Remus. He knew how hard Remus had fought to get custody of Harry. He had even signed some form once, declaring that he would be okay with Remus taking Harry in. He supposed that it had been used against Remus in court, after all, who could trust a werewolf when a convicted criminal was supporting his case? It had been a setup, because if he hadn't signed, there wouldn't even have been a trial for custody. But Remus had tried. Maybe he was right and knew much more about what the Dursley's had really done to Harry and it was also probable that he had either already dealt with it or knew that Harry didn't want him to. He knew that he had been irrational and that his thirst for revenge was the unholy union of his boredom, his worry for Harry and his anger at his own helplessness.
Sighing, he resolved to apologise as soon as he got home again and to endure his nagging conscience until then. It wouldn't do to be fired on his first day, not at all.
It wasn't particularly challenging to shelf books and inform a greying witch that no, owls were not allowed in the library, but that there were several copies of today's Daily Prophet that she was welcome to read, and he was bored. After his third cup of coffee and after he had managed to tumble from his chair for about the six time, he finally settled down on the floor so that he wouldn't be tempted to swirl and roll around on his chair and ultimately land where he was sitting now, and played one game of Solitaire after the other until finally the liberating hand of the clock ticked to one o'clock.
He decided to stop by a bakery for the honey cake Remus loved so much as a kind of peace offering and mentally prepared to use his best puppy-dog eyes to get out of this easier. They always seemed to amuse the werewolf, and if you could charm a smile out of Remus John Lupin, you had won him over.
So, with the cake under one arm and his robe in the other, he cautiously entered the quiet house, wondering if Remus was even at home or if he had chosen to avoid him and all possible future conflicts. But as he entered the living room, he found his friend sitting in his armchair, leafing through a rather old and worn looking book and not acknowledging his presence.
"I can understand if you're angry with me," he started, uncertainly taking a step forward. "It was horrible and wrong what I said earlier. I know you care about Harry."
Remus finally looked up, grinning wryly at him as he put his book down. "Don't worry about it, Paddy, I know your temper."
"So I'm forgiven?" Sirius asked hopefully, his eyes wide and pleading.
"If that honey cake is for me and if you believe me that the Dursleys have been dealt with," Remus stated, his lips lifting into a small smile: Bingo!
"I knew I could bribe you with that cake." Sirius grinned. "And I trust you so if you say that they have been taken care of, I'll believe you."
"How generous."
"You know, I think you have been spending too much time with Snape. You never used to be so sarcastic." The black-haired shook his head in mock-disapproval.
"Maybe you just forgot about it," Remus suggested mildly. "Apropos Severus, he flooed earlier."
"Did he say something about Harry?" Sirius perked up immediately, looking a mixture between apprehensive and hopeful as the werewolf nodded.
"He did a check-up on Harry and he's absolutely fine, though he seems to have lost a lot of weight. But Severus is positive that a few of his potions will resolve that easily."
"How is he doing?" Sirius asked eagerly, after exhaling slowly.
Remus shifted a bit uncomfortably. "Severus said that he cried a lot and that he had rather bad nightmares when he finally fell asleep."
"Shit," Sirius cursed, glaring down at his hands.
"I'm sure that Severus is taking good care of him, Sirius," Remus tried to appease him. "They talked a lot."
"I'm not so sure that will be to my advantage," Sirius grumbled, clenching his hands into fists.
"Severus also said that he called your name in his sleep, but that when he asked if he should get you, he refused," Remus added softly, not sure how Sirius would react to this revelation.
"That's what Snape told you," Sirius snapped. "It doesn't mean that I believe it."
"How can you still hate him so much?" Remus asked incredulously, "It's been twenty years..."
"...that I spent in Azkaban," Sirius hissed at him. "Where I relived every bad memory, every curse cast on me, every insult he ever voiced that cut deeper than he knew... or maybe he knew, I wouldn't put it past him."
"He was the one who accompanied Harry to Azkaban," Remus argued sadly. "He pulled some strings and called in old favours, favours I'm sure he would rather have forgotten. But he did it and he was willing to listen to your explanations and to support Harry. Where do you think you would be now without him? I'll tell you, you would still be in Azkaban and wouldn't even know that Harry is still alive and Harry would be bonded to Sébastien and maybe wouldn't even remember you. Because Lucius certainly wouldn't have gone with Harry to Azkaban, Dumbledore forbid it and there's no one else who could have accomplished something like that. So think again if Severus really warrants all the hate you are so keen to pile on him! And you are no innocent either!"
"Didn't I pay enough?" Sirius exclaimed. "So I was a brat and a bully and maybe Snape didn't deserve it, but I paid for it. I lost Harry, I was sent to Azkaban. That should give Snape a good feeling, shouldn't it? He had sixteen years to enjoy the thought of me sitting in Azkaban while he fucked my best buddy, he had sixteen years of satisfaction because he was right to hate me and think of me as a low-life creature that killed his best friend out of spite. And now you want me smile at him, thank him maybe because he wanted to see me suffer and show Harry exactly what I had become and because it backfired? Not likely, not bloody likely, Remus!"
"Sirius, do you know how irrational that attitude is?"
"I can tell you that it makes perfect sense to me," Sirius retorted, sharply rapping his fingers on the table. "Why shouldn't I hate Snape? He did as much wrong to me as I did to him and he didn't pay for it."
"You would really send him to Azkaban, just to sate your thirst for revenge?"
"Of course not!" Sirius stared at him as if the werewolf had started growing additional heads. "But I don't see why I have to be nice to him either. I tolerate him, don't I? And I allow him to take care of Harry and I even apologised to him, what more do you want? I don't trust him and I don't like him and that will never change, but that doesn't mean that I want him to suffer... too much. Just don't expect me to like the thought of him being with Harry and doing Merlin-knows what," Sirius growled.
"You're jealous," the amber-eyed wizard stated, but it sounded more like a question, "of Severus?"
"Why would I be jealous?" Sirius retorted scornfully.
"It's the only explanation that makes sense. You have been getting along better with each other, not good in any event, but definitely better," Remus answered. "But ever since you found out that Harry wanted to stay with Severus, you've been badmouthing and insulting him. You're jealous because Harry prefers him right now and because he has your mate right. You're jealous."
"I'm sure you'll tell me now that it's only natural and that I shouldn't worry," Sirius sneered.
"No, I won't, since you can tell yourself that." The werewolf chuckled.
"I'm certainly glad that you find my plight so laughable," Sirius groused, and Remus grinned at him. "I just find it amusing that your great self-confidence can be so strongly influenced by something like this. And it's amusing because I know that Severus was jealous of you for the longest time."
"It should have stayed that way!" Sirius mumbled, and Remus laughed once more.
For a split second, Sirius considered being affronted, but then he joined in the laughter.
"Why don't you write Harry a letter?" Remus suggested some time later. "This way, you can tell him how you feel and show him that you think of him, without putting pressure on him. If he isn't ready to think about that yet, he doesn't have to read the letter."
"You know, I think I'll do that," Sirius stated pensively, nodding in agreement. "But maybe we should go house-shopping before it's too late."
"Well, did you think some more on what you want?" Remus asked, munching on the last piece of his cake.
"A little. I want a house with a garden, somewhere where we won't be constantly pointed and stared at and preferably somewhere in the country. Not too big, but with at least two bedrooms. I don't want one of those modern houses where everything is white or metallic and not at all cosy."
"What about the Black and Potter estates?" Remus offered. "There's bound to be one that suits your needs."
Sirius grimaced. "Are you kidding me? I'd burn each and every of the Black estates down if that didn't require me coming near them... or if that wouldn't give the Ministry a reason to arrest me for arson."
"What about the Potter estates then?" the werewolf asked. "I know of at least five and as Harry is the sole heir, they now belong to him. I even remember one that has all that you just described."
"I guess, but they are still Harry's and I don't think he would appreciate it if I just decided over his head like this. Maybe it would only hurt him to live where his parents once lived and to be reminded of them on a daily basis. That would seem like a cheap attempt at replacing them."
"Sirius, sometimes I wonder about you. You have no problem with kidnapping Harry right from under the Aurors' noses and buying a house without Harry and now you shy away because you think Harry won't approve if you choose one of his estates?" The werewolf shook his head. "Harry would love you even more if you gave him something of his parents, regardless of what that is."
"You think so?" Sirius asked hopefully. "Are you sure it wouldn't go too far?"
"That depends on what you have in mind." Remus sighed, knowing that sometimes Sirius went a bit over the top with his ideas.
"You know that small manor house where we used to spend our Christmasses?" the black-haired man asked excitedly. "I have an extra key so it would be a real surprise for Harry. We'd have to do a bit of cleaning and maybe repair some things, maybe buy new furniture and sort through the things that are still left there, but it would be manageable. We can built rooms into the attic and make a guest room out of it or we can add a hobby room..."
"Wait, stop." Remus raised his hands. "I get the feeling that you've been thinking a lot about that."
Sirius grinned sheepishly. "I always felt at home there and I might have played with the thought, but always dismissed it because I thought Harry wouldn't like it..."
"I don't believe Harry ever was there, or at least not that he can remember. As long as you don't destroy any evidence of James and Lily, I'm sure he would like it," Remus told him earnestly, and Sirius' smile widened a bit more. "How about we have a look at it now and then decide what needs to be done, what we need to buy, things like that?"
"Sounds like a plan," Sirius answered, enthusiastically jumping up from his chair and almost knocking it over in his haste. "Let's go!"
Remus shook his head in amusement and levitated the used dishes over to the sink before he followed the impatient animagus.
"The house won't be connected to the Floo network anymore, and if I remember correctly, it had several wards, amongst them an Anti-Apparation Ward, so we'll have to take a little walk," he stated pensively. "You should take your coat with you, Sirius."
Sirius rolled his eyes at him, but obediently summoned his cloak. "Yes, mother. And I promise that I won't talk to strangers."
"They will certainly thank you for it," Remus replied dryly. "You want to apparate?"
"To the bridge that separates the manor from the rest of the village." Sirius nodded, remembering all too clearly how he and James had ice-skated on the little pond the river formed farther down its course and tried to break the ice by throwing stones from the bridge.
Happiness at seeing the manor again with which he connected so many good memories and sadness because he knew that those times would never return assaulted him as he appeared on the bridge and caught sight of the small manor. A gush of cold wind whipped him in the face and he was suddenly glad to have heeded Remus' advice, who apparated next to him, wrapping a scarf around his neck.
They made their way to the house in silence, each lost in their own melancholic thoughts. The path they followed hadn't been used in such a long time that it would have been hard to make out even if it hadn't been deep winter. They sank deep into the powdery snow and the legs of their pants were beginning to soak and cling to their calves. It was already late enough so that the sun didn't reflect on the snow anymore and so instead of blinding them it shone in a soft, blue-grey light while the trees that lined the path in irregular intervals drew eerie shadows on it.
Maybe it should have made him uncomfortable or scared him even, but to Sirius, it seemed almost like the ghosts of the Potters had returned to greet him and welcomed him back in their home. For a moment, he could almost feel Mrs. Potter's arms lock him in a warm embrace, saw her carefree and loving smile and the telltale shimmer in her eyes when they had to return to Hogwarts. He clearly remembered James' father, who had always carried himself with a kind of quiet dignity that was so different from his own father's contemptuous haughtiness that it had confused him in the beginning. It had also taken a bit of time to notice the mirthful half-smile that accompanied most of the lectures he had given them when they had gone a bit too far with one of their pranks or maybe pulled too many pranks for his liking.
But the thing he remembered the most clearly was the feeling of truly being a part of their family, of being welcomed and loved unconditionally. He hadn't been just another one of James' friends, a well-liked guest that stayed longer than they probably appreciated, he was not just like a son to them - he was their son and he considered them his parents, no matter what his birth certificate might say.
He extracted his bunch of keys and with something akin to reference unlocked the door, which creaked in its hinges as he carefully pushed it open and stepped over the threshold. His soft foot steps left little imprints in the layer of dust that had gathered on the floor, and the floor boards creaked a little as he made his way through the foyer. Then, he hesitated, unsure of what to do now.
"Let's have a look around," Remus suggested softly, putting a hand on his shoulder. "I believe that Dumbledore told the house-elves to cover the furniture and pack all the things into boxes before he took them into Hogwarts' service. I guess it wouldn't be too much trouble to get them back here."
"No," Sirius mumbled, shaking his head. "I want to do this myself. This is my present to Harry and anyway, I had enough of hasty little creatures who fall over themselves to please me for quite some time." He managed a rather painful looking grin before he resolutely strode into the living room with the huge picture window that gave view to the park-like garden that surrounded the manor.
How long had it been since he had last been here? Much too long. Everything was so far away now. Everything had changed. He sighed. Looking over at the fireplace where he had once sat next to a cosily crackling fire with sleeping baby Harry in his arms, softly talking with James and Lily and Remus.
"Don't dwell too much on the past," Remus advised him lowly, stepping beside him. "Or you won't be able to look forward to the future."
"It's strange to suddenly have a future to look forward to," Sirius murmured more to himself. "I guess I still haven't realised it fully that I'm out of Azkaban and that I have Harry back - more or less."
"Don't worry about that too much, okay?" Remus smiled encouragingly at him. "We still have a lot of work to do if you want to have the house ready for moving in by New Year's Eve."
Sirius nodded in agreement, forcefully pushing all other thoughts aside and they set to work.
They kept working well into the night and on Friday they continued after Sirius got back from work. Cleaning, sorting out, repairing, furnishing, planning, building, decorating, arranging and all in all making the house homely once more.
Thanks to magic, it all went relatively fast, that was after they had decided what exactly needed to be done, and so they finished just to in time to watch the sun set through the huge picture window of the newly furnished living room. The armchairs were slightly mismatched and the rocking chair creaked, but the sofa was plush and still didn't look like they had stolen it from an old lady's living room. Remus had found several old photographs of the Potters and themselves, put them in frames and set them on the mantelpiece or hung them on the walls. The wooden floor was now covered with carpets of different shapes and colours. They had also owl-ordered new curtains and a book-shelf, which they had just set up and that now covered the wall to the right completely, though there weren't many books in it just yet. Cosy and simple, exactly how he had imagined it.
The rest of the house was furnished and decorated in the same way and they had even added two more rooms in the attic that could either serve as guest rooms or as or as hobby rooms since they had been left mostly bare. Most of the rooms and the kitchen especially had been left exactly how they had been, in memory of the former owners. The two bathrooms had needed a bit of modernisation and several steps of the staircase hadn't been in the best of states and needed to be replaced. But all in all, Sirius thought they had done a very good job, placing one of the potted plants he had bought on the windowsill in the kitchen before he sorted the fresh groceries into the fridge or the overhead cabinets. Everything was ready for Harry and him to move in.
On Saturday, Sirius stared in disbelief down at the piece of paper Remus had dared to call a letter.
Please, give me more time. I miss you. Harry.
That was all the answer he got for his three-paged letter? Two short, contradicting sentences and a name? It was a bit disappointing and Sirius felt like punching someone. He also felt like flooing over to Hogwarts and demand a better answer, demand for Harry to come back and to talk with him. But he didn't. Harry still had three days left and even though his veela side urged him to act now and to make Harry his again, whether he was ready or not, he would wait because he owed it to Harry.
He held the small piece of paper to his nose, taking a deep sniff of it, catching the soft, sweet smell of his lovely mate, imagining that he only had to reach out to take him into his arms and press him against his body. How he missed him! The dreams about Harry had returned with a vengeance, only that now he knew whom he was dreaming of, which only served to intensify his feelings of longing. It also wasn't helping matters that he now had a real memory as the basis for his fantasies and the thought that he was fantasising, craving and longing for something Harry certainly hadn't enjoyed made his guts twist with guilt and shame.
With a sigh he lowered the letter and uncurled his long limbs, getting up. At least Harry had answered him and at least he missed him, too. It wasn't as good as "I love you," but wasn't that exactly the reason Harry had isolated himself? To find out if he still loved him, or rather why? It was a strange concept to Sirius that Harry wanted to find out why he loved him. Wasn't it enough to know that he did, that he was loved in return? On some level, he could understand that Harry was a bit wary about his feelings being forced, but what was he planning to do if he came to the conclusion that his feelings were not coming from himself? Leave him? Hide away from his feelings? It seemed like a stupid solution to Sirius. Besides, he was convinced that Harry's feelings weren't caused by any bond right now, because if he had any say about it he would take all doubts and all hesitation away from Harry.
But if it was so important to Harry, he had no choice but to accept it and hope that Harry not only came to the right conclusion but also came to it soon.
There was a tentative knock on his door and Remus entered his room.
"Is everything okay? You've been in here for over two hours."
"Yes," Sirius answered. "Just expected a bit more, I guess. But no news is good news, right?"
The werewolf smiled at him. "I asked Severus to ask Harry if he was okay with your time limit of one week and he has agreed, so you'll get Harry back soon enough. Dumbledore invited us to the New Year's Eve festivities. Should I tell him that we'll be there?"
Sirius nodded. "Remus, you know that you don't have to keep me company, don't you? I'm not unstable or anything."
"I know," Remus shifted uncomfortably. "But Severus... He's still not very happy with me and I don't want to risk scaring or upsetting Harry. Besides, I missed spending time with you, almost like in old times, isn't it?" His smile returned. "I still have some hopes of being your best-man when you marry Harry."
"Shit, Remus!" Sirius suddenly cursed. "I'm making the same mistakes over and over again! I once again didn't ask Harry if he wanted to bond with me, which might be excusable because he wasn't really responsive at that time, but I can't just push Harry into a marriage. This time I have to do it right and get him a ring and most of all ask him so that he has a chance to say no! I can't just confront him with a fait accompli!"
"Now calm down for a moment, Paddy," Remus intervened soothingly. "Disregarding the fact that I don't really know what you are talking about, you still have time to get Harry a ring and to think of a way to pop the question, even if you want to do it as soon as you see him again."
"You know that veelas can claim their mates officially and I did just that," Sirius stated, forcing himself to breathe evenly. "It bound Harry to me and I didn't even think about asking him beforehand what he thought of it and then we bonded and you know how that came to be and what effects it had on Harry. Once again, Harry had no choice and the ritual was once again performed without Harry's consent. If I do this one more time... Harry feels helpless enough as it is, I shouldn't add to that."
"You still don't know how helpless and how dependent on you Harry is after this second bond," Remus argued. "Maybe he isn't afraid anymore."
"That's not really the point, Moony." Sirius stared at him. "And I don't really believe it either. He's a submissive and you know how much he hates it. I didn't really know him before he came into his inheritance, but from what he told me it was a huge change for him and I know that I'm not the perfect dominant. I'm not like Malfoy, who instinctively knows what Narcissa needs and managed to make Harry feel at least a little better about his situation. And I'm not Sébastien, who helps Harry without expecting anything from him, without putting pressure on him. And I'm not you, Remus, I'm not understanding or patient or compassionate. I'm just not and Harry deserves someone who has all those qualities and more. I made too many mistakes already, I can't continue like this and expect Harry to cope with it."
"Sirius, no one expects you to be perfect, least of all Harry," the werewolf tried to assure him, but Sirius interrupted him.
"I'm not talking about being perfect, Moony, I know that I'm far from perfection. I just want to be less... inadequate."
"I'm still not sure that I agree with you," Remus finally declared. "But if you want to ask Harry to marry you and try to make less mistakes, I think it's a good idea. We can go on Monday to look for a ring."
"Thanks." Sirius smiled at him. "I think I'm going to ask Ron and Hermione if they want to come along. They would know Harry best."
"I'm sure they would be happy," Remus said, "Anything else you want to do? If you decide tomorrow evening that you still want to get Harry... a puppy it might be a bit on short notice."
"Oh, yes!" Sirius exclaimed, excitement on his face. "That's a great idea. We need at least one puppy, and owls, and horses - the manor has stables after all. Maybe we can even get a dragon, that would be so cool..."
Remus groaned. "Maybe you should wait with the pets until you have Harry with you. He's the one good with animals after all."
Sirius grin fell slightly, but there was still enthusiasm in his voice as he answered. "We can at least get a puppy. I'm good with puppies and I need a new owl too."
Remus sighed inaudibly, but resigned himself to his fate, hoping that Hermione would maybe be able to put a stop on Sirius' enthusiasm.
On Wednesday, Sirius paced the length of the Defence classroom, willing his breathing to even out, his hands to unclench, his teeth to stop gritting. He nervously fingered the small square box in his robe pocket, casting a furtive look out of the window, noticing absently that the sun was just disappearing behind the Forbidden Forest. He supposed that the festivities had already started, but he thought that if he was going to go hysterical with worry and nervousness he would do so in the privacy of Remus' classroom and not in front of everyone.
Time and time again, his thoughts wandered to Harry and he felt mildly guilty for possibly keeping him waiting, but then again he had waited this last week and it wasn't that late, anyway. Once again, his hand itched to grasp the door handle and run downstairs, but he resisted, starting another round of pacing. Most likely, Harry wasn't even there yet and was just getting ready for the evening. Or he was once again talking to Snape. His hands that had minutely relaxed clenched into fists once more. He just couldn't stand the thought of Harry confiding all his secrets to Snape, of hugging him and leaning against him for support.
He groaned, not for the first time realising the impossibility of being perfect for Harry or to at least implement some of his good intentions. He could make a thousand promises to himself to get a reign on his jealousy, to be more understanding, patient, to put Harry's feelings and wants in first place, to not be selfish, to take responsibility, to think first and act later - he would still break every single one of them. No, he wasn't perfect, but that didn't mean that anyone else was perfect enough for Harry either. Snape certainly wasn't!
By now, the sun had set completely and the classroom was now only illuminated by the torches along the wall that cast long shadows over the floor and made Sirius' own shadow dance and flicker as he paced.
With sudden resolution, he halted in the middle of the classroom, deciding that it was time to see Harry again and to face his decision whatever it may be, before Remus could go through with his threat and drag him to the Great Hall.
A soft knock on the door made him stop again.