Chapter 34 To Sleep
The woman led them upstairs to a long hallway only sparsely lit with torches. "We're crowded tonight, my lords," she informed them as she paused at a heavy wooden door and pushed it opened. They all took that to mean they'd be sharing a room that night - not that Remus minded. None of them wanted Harry out of their sight.
Remus thanked the woman and then followed the others into the room. Severus immediately closed and locked the door, sealing it up tight with several warding spells. There was little chance of anyone getting past the Slytherin's wards.
One glance around the room confirmed that they had been given one of the old family quarters common several centuries back. With so many creatures threatening life and soul in this land, space behind the secured walls of the Keep was at a premium. It would not be uncommon for entire families to share a small living space like this - though these quarters were generous enough.
Someone had taken care to lay a heavy rug on the stone slabs of the floor - something Remus suspected had been done just for them. And though there were only two beds in the room, the bed-curtains and linens looked fresh and clean. A fire had been lit in the large fireplace off to one side and Sirius was currently inspected the flames, no doubt confirming that it was secure from floo. While Severus moved to check the beds themselves and the walls behind them, Remus investigated the small bathroom off to one side, making certain there were no hidden surprises.
The three of them, Sirius, Severus and Remus, worked surprisingly well together - each of them just paranoid enough to trust the other to secure the room. Harry merely stood in the center of the room watching them in bemusement, before he finally just sighed and moved toward the fire. When Remus emerged from the bathroom he saw the young man sink down onto the carpet in front of the flames and stare into it lost in thought.
They took turns in the bathroom, preparing for the night, Sirius finally urging Harry to change into the pajamas he'd transfigured for him and take his turn washing up. Once he had disappeared into the bathroom the three men found themselves staring at each other uncertainly.
"He's been very quite this evening," Remus remarked when it became clear to him that the other two men were not going to speak what was on their minds. No doubt they were both worried about Harry's state of mind - they were also likely brooding over the fact that there were only two beds.
"He's been through a lot," Sirius conceded. They'd heard the full story now of the fight the night before.
"Eight more deaths," Severus murmured.
Neither Remus nor Sirius commented on that, both knowing that Harry already blamed himself for too much as it was.
"I don't like this plan," Sirius sighed then. "Taking Harry out into . . that. . ." He waved his hand vaguely and they both understood he meant the coming battle.
"He's not going to be dissuaded," Remus replied, remembering the look in Harry's eyes that afternoon when he'd asked for their help. The nod from both Sirius and Severus confirmed that they too had recognized the same thing. Something had fundamental changed in Harry's perception of the world, though Remus was not yet certain what that might mean for all their futures.
They heard the bathroom door open and looked up to see Harry re-enter the room, dressed now in the pajamas Sirius had made for him. Barefoot and slender, he looked remarkably young, though his eyes, no longer hidden behind glasses thanks to Severus' potion, were not a child's eyes.
Sirius wasted no time in grinning brightly at him. "You okay there, Harry?" he asked.
The young man nodded, his face thoughtful. He took a cautious step forward as if deliberating something. The three of them waited in silence, seeing that he obviously had something on his mind.
"I wanted to thank you," he said then, sounding terribly young as if all his newfound confidence had left him.
"For what, Harry?" Sirius asked bemused, moving swiftly to Harry's side and taking hold of one of his hands. Harry smiled gratefully at him and Remus could see his hand tightening in Sirius' grip. He was reminded suddenly of how little affection this young man had received growing up - such gestures probably meant more to him than they truly understood and Remus was grateful that Sirius was capable of such things. Both he and Severus were far too reserved, but Sirius more than made up for it.
"For coming after me," Harry explained. "For saving me."
Sirius grinned at that. "You didn't seem to need a whole lot of saving, Harry."
"Not today," Harry said simply. "Tomorrow."
The smile faded from Sirius' face and he slipped an arm around Harry's shoulders, the confusion all three of them felt clear in his eyes.
"I can't control a Patronus and levitate that stone at the same time," Harry explained. "And because of that those men out there were going to call a massacre a victory. I'm not sure I could go through that again."
Remus found himself swallowing painfully around the lump in his throat, understanding now that Harry was talking about not just the battle tomorrow, but of the night he'd taken the Eye of Odin from Voldemort's hands. He had saved Hogwarts that day - had likely saved the Wizarding World that day. But that single act had killed not only Death Eaters but Aurors alike. The Wizarding World had counted it a great victory - but all Harry had been able to think about were the men and women who had died.
Before the three of them had arrived today Harry had already made the decision to seal up the Well of Despair. He had done it knowing that it meant men were going to fall in battle to the Dementors - they had no defense against them and Harry would be too occupied with the stone to save them.
Sirius hugged Harry tightly to him. "You're not alone, Harry," he assured him. "Put those thoughts behind you. We're going to win tomorrow. It's going to be alright." Those weren't really promises anyone could make in good faith - but Remus, and apparently Severus too for he said nothing against them, understood that Harry needed to hear them nonetheless.
Harry looked into his Godfather's eyes, searching his face for something more. "Will you be alright against the Dementors, Sirius?" he asked, voicing the question Remus had been pondering himself all night. No one liked Dementors, but for a former prisoner of Azkaban they held an added terror.
Sirius just smiled gently at the young man. "You don't honestly think I'd let you down, do you?" he teased, and Remus' heart lurched as he realized that Sirius' answer was really more of an evasion. Severus, who'd sat down on the bed on the far side of the room, shifted somewhat nervously as if he too realized that Sirius' answer wasn't what it should have been.
Remus was uncertain if Harry realized it as well, for he smiled at the response. But his next words suggest he understood more than he let on. "Do you know what memory I use for my Patronus?" he asked with an almost shy grin.
Sirius shook his head, his handsome face clearly showing his curiosity. Remus had wondered himself about that - he'd only ever told Harry to make certain it was a strong emotion, a powerful one. He had never asked Harry to explain it in detail.
"That first night I met you," Harry said simply. "When you told me you were my godfather and asked me to come live with you."
Across the room Remus saw Severus turned his face away at that, his jaw tightening with some emotion, and Remus found himself looking down at his feet unable to stare at the emotion in both Harry's and Sirius' faces. He felt so conflicted - happy that Harry had such a memory, that he could share such a thing with Sirius who he knew would cling to that admission with joy, and guilty that this boy had possessed so little love in his life that he could produce a Patronus unlike any he'd ever seen before simply because a man he'd known less than an hour had offered him a place to stay.
But it seemed to be exactly what Sirius needed to hear for Remus could hear the pleasure in his voice when he said, "That is what produces Prongs –- the Royal White Stag?" Again that turn of phrase and Remus frowned thinking that perhaps it had resonated with Sirius as well. He glanced up to see the two of them smiling at each other, laughter in their eyes.
"You going to tell me what your Patronus is?" Harry asked him.
But Sirius just smirked at him. "Think about it long enough, and I think you'll figure it out." And that - finally - was confirmation that Sirius could throw the spell. He might not have said it out right, but if he was capable of teasing Harry about what form it might take, it meant he himself knew he possessed a Patronus and that it took corporal form. Remus felt something easing inside himself at the admission.
If Harry did figure it out, he gave no indication, he just grinned and hugged Sirius impulsively. "Good night, Sirius," he smiled, then glanced toward Remus. "Good night, Remus." Then he moved swiftly across the room and climbed into the bed Severus was sitting upon, seemingly deciding right then and there for the four of them what their sleeping arrangements would consist of for the night. That he had no trouble at all climbing into the bed Severus had apparently claimed for his own was not really surprising since he shared a bed with the man back in Hogwarts.
Sirius, surprisingly just sighed and shrugged at Severus before turning toward the other bed. Remus took that his own cue to climb in to sleep.
They left the fire and the candles lit - none of them wanting the total darkness in a strange environment. And the room was cold enough as it was. Remus drew the curtains around the bed once Sirius had joined him and threw both a warming charm and a sound muffling charm on them while Sirius began yanking off his boots. He didn't want to use a full silencing charm since it would block out sounds from the room as well and he wanted to be able to hear if someone entered.
He began removing his own boots, doing his best to ignore the man beside him. Neither they nor Severus had changed into sleeping clothes like Harry had, knowing that it was possible they could be awakened at a moment's notice to fight or defend themselves from an attack. But they had stripped out of their outer leathers.
Boots off, Remus stripped down to the linen undershirt he wore, too self-conscious of the scars on his body to remove anything more. He and Sirius had shared a bed before on missions, but he could not help but feel that things were subtly changing between them. And despite his best efforts not to look he found his eyes drawn to the bare expanse of skin as Sirius stripped off his own shirt unselfconsciously, tossing it to the foot of the bed. Sirius was all lean muscle and sinew and Remus had dreamed many times of mapping each plane with his hands. He eyed briefly the heir tattoo on Sirius' shoulder blade, the mark of the firstborn of a pureblood house. Toujours Pur, it said beneath the family crest, mocking the werewolf.
Despite his best effort, Sirius caught him staring and frowned in concern. "Do you want me to transform?" he asked softly, keeping his voice low so that the others wouldn't hear.
It took Remus a moment to understand what he was offering - he had transformed into Padfoot in the past so that Remus might feel more comfortable sharing a bed with him. But for some reason tonight he did not want that at all. He shook his head swiftly before nervously yanking down the bed sheets and climbing between them. Sirius just grinned and slipped in beside him.
"You really didn't know that blond was hitting on you?" he asked then.
Remus rolled on to his back and stared up at him; Sirius was propped up on one elbow gazing curiously at him. "It's not a common occurrence," Remus informed him.
"I hit on you all the time, Moony," Sirius reminded him, and Remus had to concede that was true. Even back in school Sirius had flirted with him - though it had largely been a joke to make them all laugh.
"You don't mean it," Remus pointed out.
For a long moment Sirius said nothing, and then to Remus' shock he felt Sirius' hand on his face, his fingers gently turning him toward him. The look in his eyes was for once neither teasing nor frivolous, his eyes gleaming with something that quite took Remus' breath away. When Sirius Black focused all his attention on you it was rather like standing in the center of the sun. "Yes, Moony, I do mean it. And you have to understand that I'm not going to give up."
"Sirius," Remus whispered desperately because he so dearly wished to believe his words, and he knew just as certainly that his belief didn't really matter. If Sirius truly wished to push the issue, there was nothing in the world Remus could deny him even if it were to tear him apart afterwards.
And then Sirius' mouth was on his own, tasting him, drinking in the soft moan that escaped his lips. And it was so good, so sweet, all the joy and pleasure he'd spent his entire life denying himself, coalesced down to a single perfect sensation. He knew then that it didn't matter what he believed, what he hoped, what he might dream or fear, he utterly and completely belonged to Sirius Black and always had.
Sirius ended the kiss before it could go much farther, and Remus found himself staring helplessly up at the man in the dim light of their curtained bed. His heart was pounding and he felt utterly out of control. Sirius it seemed was searching for something in his face, his intent gaze relentless as he probed his eyes. What ever he saw made him smile gently, though for the life of him Remus could not interpret the look. "You'll see, Moony," he whispered softly as he settled down beside him. "You'll see."
Remus was shaking now, trembling with raw emotion he didn't know how to handle. It wasn't the wolf this time, but the man who was completely out of his depth. It shamed him, feeling like this, so desperate and frightened and needy, like a teenage girl receiving her first kiss. But it was his first kiss - still it seemed like a grown man should be able to handle such things with more finesse, more control.
And then Sirius pulled him into his arms, spooning up against him so that he felt the long, reassuring line of his body pressed firmly against his own - and gods was it supposed to feel that good, that arousing? He was going to fly apart if his heart did not stop pounding.
Sirius splayed a hand against his chest, holding him still, holding him safe, and the warm tickle of his breath touched Remus' ear as he whispered softly to him, making him shiver. "It's alright, Moony," he soothed. "I promise. Everything is all right. Just sleep, stop thinking and sleep."
Remus didn't truly understand what it was he was saying, but it didn't ultimately matter. Stop thinking - he could do that if Sirius wanted him to. For once, he could let go and just trust that Sirius would catch him. He was in Sirius Black's arms, lying against his bare chest, and had there ever been a time in his life when he had not dreamed of such a thing? He did as Sirius asked and stopped thinking, settling down to listen to the man's heart beating against his own, strong and reassuring. And as sleep overcame him he realized that for once even the wolf was utterly content.
Severus climbed into bed beside Harry, pausing briefly to strip off his boots and his outerwear. Not wanting to make Harry uncomfortable he left on his pants and the thick undershirt before sliding under the covers. As he settled his sword against the headboard in easy reach of his hand, and his wand beneath his pillow he was startled to notice that the boy was watching him closely. This bed was a lot smaller than the one they shared at Hogwarts, and there wasn't any of the comfortable distance between them. Already he could feel Harry's body heat seeping into him.
"Are you angry?" Harry asked softly then, surprising him.
"Of course I'm angry," Severus replied immediately, though he paused first to cast a sound muffling charm on the curtains. "I'm so furious I could kill him!"
His words seemed to startle the young man and he shifted uncomfortably. "I meant with me, not Alrik," Harry corrected.
"You?" Severus stared down at him in surprise, noticing that there was genuine concern in those bright green eyes. "You think I would be angry with you for getting kidnapped? How could that possibly be your fault?"
But again he had misread the question for Harry shook his head. "I meant because I said I'd help them tomorrow. With the stone and the Dementors."
Severus sighed. He was angry, though not specifically at Harry. He was also terrified. And proud. "You're a Gryffindor, Harry. I can hardly fault you for acting true to your nature."
At the confused look the young man gave him, he just shook his head. "No, Harry, I'm not mad at you. I've quite resigned myself to the fact that I'm married to a Gryffindor."
Harry smiled wryly at that. "Sorry," he said, soundly only vaguely apologetic. "I'm glad you're here," he added.
Severus smiled faintly at that. "Where else would I be? You know the Winter Lands is the birthplace of Godric Gryffindor. You and your two Dog-fathers are surrounded by fellow Gryffindors - you need at least one Slytherin to keep you from doing anything crazy."
For once Harry didn't protest the intended insult to Black or Lupin, or the disparagement against all Gryffindors. Rather he just smiled and settled down into his pillow, looking as if Severus' insult had set all things right with his world. "I'm glad you're here," he said again, and perhaps he truly was. He certainly didn't protest or scoot away when Severus settled down beside him, body nearly touching his beneath the heavy blankets. Rather he just settled into the warmth and closed his eyes, his breath evening out into sleep.
Severus lay awake a long while, listening to Harry breathe beside him, grateful that he was all right, worried about what tomorrow might bring. He didn't think too long or too hard on the thoughts of jealousy that had plagued him earlier or on the fact that the heat from the young man's body was sorely tempting him to rollover and touch. Instead he focused on the idea that no matter what, come what may tomorrow, he would make certain that Harry survived the conflict. As soon as humanly possible Harry would be back safe behind the walls of Hogwarts, and he would not let him out of his sight again.
He slept eventually, only to be awakened a few hours later by the sounds of distress coming from Harry. As he shook off the fog of sleep, he realized instantly that Harry had not taken any potion against his nightmares, and for the first time in a few months had new images to lend them power. Understand how those images might affect the boy, Severus didn't even hesitate to rollover and pull Harry into his arms. Sometime during the night the boy had rolled over on his side, his back to Severus; Severus spooned up behind him, shaking him lightly to wake him from the dreams.
"It's alright, Harry," he whispered directly into the boy's ear. He slid his palm against Harry's chest, feeling his pounding heart beating against his breastbone. "You're safe, it's all right." The boy was shaking, trembling in reaction. Severus shook him again, trying to jostle him awake.
Suddenly a hand closed over his wrist and Harry's entire body went utterly stiff in his arms, letting Severus know that he was indeed awake. Severus held his breath, not certain now what to do - would the boy wrench himself away, ripping his hands from his body, yell at him for daring to touch him?
"Severus?" he heard a soft whisper, and he frowned hearing so much fear and trepidation in that voice. Harry's hand tightened around his wrist.
"It's just a nightmare, Harry," Severus said softly, his own heart pounding as he waited for the inevitable reaction.
And then to his amazement, Harry sighed, his entire body going limp as if in relief, his grip relaxing around Severus wrist. Far from releasing him though, Harry merely scooted back, settling more completely into Severus' embrace, and then seem to fall back to sleep. The transition was so quick that Severus was no longer even certain if the boy had woken completely or not.
Regardless, Severus now had a bit of a dilemma. The boy was clutching his hand now, practically curled up around it, making it quite impossible for Severus to move away. He had in his haste to wake the boy pressed himself against the length of his backside and the firm heat was doing things to his body that became harder and harder to ignore. He had never been a particularly promiscuous man, but he'd been sharing a bed with a tempting young man for months now without once touching him or anyone else and the effort to keep his distance, to keep his hands to himself, was quickly becoming bothersome.
Resigning himself to a rather uncomfortable night, Severus just sighed and consoled himself with the fact that Sirius Black was probably suffering equally.