Monica
Dreadful
"If you're not going to comply with the request of your complainant, you will rot here!"
Matteo was eager to make me agree to Francis' stupid suggestion.
"I will never stoop down to that level. I am Carluccio, don't you remember? I do not deserve that!" I yelled.
He always comes to visit me every Friday afternoon just to argue with me. And Friday comes that's why he's here again. No matter how hard he tries, I will never give in to Francis' wishes.
"Monica, your name will be useless if you will be remembered as a thief. Francis is giving you another chance and gaining his forgiveness by accepting his condition to you."
"And then what? Make me more miserable by commanding me? By running errands for his personal affair? What? For commands?" I argued.
"No. Not like that-" his speech was being interrupted.
"Visitation time is over. Monica needs to go back inside. I'm sorry, attorney." Said the policewoman who brought me to this room.
I used to have handcuffs tied around my wrists whenever a visitor came. I no longer complain and I just let them do it.
"Tell this person that I don't want him to pay his visit on me anymore," I hinted to the female police officer who would pick me up.
"Monica, listen to me. I'm doing this for you." My cousin's pleading.
I don't know if what he's saying is true.
Does he even really care about me?
I looked into his eyes. Deep and obvious for a few days without sleeping well.
"Does my grandfather know about this?" I asked suddenly.
"No. I won't say a word about this to him." He said utterly.
Everyone is scared whenever they hear my grandfather's name. Because they knew that he is not easy to handle in messing around especially when it comes to his family.
"Good," I don't want him to taste the fury of my grandpa. "Now go, and don't come back."
I heard no more words as I turned my back on him. I was walking back to the cell.
Another week passed and I still couldn't get out of this prison cell. Just got moved but the room was even more crowded.
"What happened to her?" I was shocked when I was able to return to our cell.
"Her chest hurts and is swollen again. She is breastfeeding her baby." Gladys replied.
I can see Nelly's suffering and squirming in pain. Hugging her own chest and almost cried in pain. We already asked for the police's help but they are just ignoring us.
"What the hell? Someone is suffering here! Hello?!" I shouted.
Still, no one notices my cry. It was as if no one could hear the cops guarding the outside which I hated.
"Let that go. That too will pass," said a woman in the cell opposite us.
"How can you say that? Someone is in pain! How can you say to just let it go?" I'm arguing.
"Monica, that's enough." Nelly's voice.
I attended to her in her reclining position. Did mothers usually feel this way? This is way too far from what I have imagined.
"What should we do?" I asked.
"Let it go. I haven't breastfed my child in months since I was imprisoned here." Nelly replied that she was forcing herself to stand up.
Now I realize that being a mother is not an easy obligation. Some may think that being a mother has only one job, taking care of her child, but many are wrong. How hard it is to feed a child? How hard it could be to put your baby to sleep? How hard can it be to watch your child grow and develop? How hard it is to accept that someday when they come up to age, they will leave you and start their own family?
Seeing Nelly struggling because of her swollen breast, I can't help but admire strong women like her.
"My son's graduation is this Friday. I don't know if I'll be able to go." Gladys's response was sad in the middle of our conversation about Nelly's child.
"Why would you not come? Your son will probably be waiting for you." I said.
"Do they still want to see me?" She asked.
"You are still his mother. I'm sure he will be glad to see you at his graduation." I sniffed the crisps that Gladys opened while talking.
"It's not that easy. I don't know if they'll let me even just two hours out to see my son."
How cruel would the law be?
I want them to be happy.
They don't deserve rotting here for the sin they have not done.
I used to have the power on commanding anyone whatever I like, but I don't know if I still possess that power right now. I want to grant their wishes because they deserve to be happy and not forgotten. They have children, and they are growing without their mother. I know that feeling and I don't want other children to feel that way.
If only I could ...
I suddenly missed my mother. Those children are lucky because they still have a mother and a family. That is living.
I am alone. All alone.
I felt the soft hands tucking my thin sheet until my shoulder. Patting my head softly while whispering heavenly onto my ear. It was so angelic that all I could hear is her soft, calming voice.
"I love you so much my Monica," the voice whispered.
The familiar voice ...
Mother ...
I embraced myself as if feeling the warmth of my mother. I felt the hot liquid trailing down my nose and cheeks making my pillow wet by it.
"I miss you, Mama," I said.
"And I miss you too,"
She answered! Please tell me this isn't a dream.
"Where have you been? I've been wanting to feel you like this. I didn't even know that you are this pretty." I held her face.
So soft.
So pure.
More like an angel.
I know now how my father fell in love with her. She's the brightest and most enchanting woman that my father once had.
"I never left. I am always at your side, my baby."
"You are?" I asked.
"Yes, I'm always with you."
I hugged her tight. This is the first time I felt her loving embrace. It feels like she just got back to life. The calmness and gentle touch, the warmth of her body around me, these are what I missed. And the things that I have never experienced from a mother.
But her embrace starts to fade. It becomes light and I almost cannot feel it. I looked at my mother and she was also starting to fade, together with the light behind her.
No ...
Not yet!
"Mama," I called.
"I love you, my baby. Be strong."
Those are the last words I heard.
I called her. I called her many times, as many as I can. I screamed at the top of my lungs wanting her to come back and hug her one more time. I am not satisfied yet. I still want her by my side.
But the light behind her made me realize that I was just dreaming. I opened my eyes and the loneliness are visible. My hot tears started to fall onto my cheeks. Everything is still the same. I am still here in this crappy cell, without a comfortable bed and nice food.
"Why are you still awake?" Nelly asked still rolling her handsto her eyes.
I did not answer. I did not say a word.
"Are you okay?" She asked me again.
"I dreamed something," my voice was weak as if not wanting to speak yet.
I heard the quiver next to me as she sat on our mat.
"Was that your dream?" Nelly is willing to listen.
I tried to hold back my tears. I rubbed it and sniffed. I looked at her but I didn't look her in the eye.
"I dreamed of Mama. She's here. She's always been here. But now, she left me." My answer.
I cried silently after I said the last words. It pains me like stabbing my chest a million times. This was the first time that I had a dream about Mama. As if I am hearing her voice right beside me. As if I am feeling her touch every time she embraces me. As if I am feeling her soft kisses when I close my eyes. The love that I have been craving from her, I am feeling it all right now. It sent a shiver down my spine and I couldn't control myself from bursting into tears.
I missed her. I missed her so much.
I haven't been given the chance to feel and remember her actual embrace. Father said that she was so gentle, fragile but genuine.
"Just calm down, Monica. Come here." She patted her chest as if inviting me to rest my head there.
Exhausted, she made me obey. By the time her skin touched my cheek it was only there that my tears flowed even more.
"All right, Iha. I know you miss your Mama so go ahead, you'll just cry over all that." Nelly comforted me.
Why am I so unfortunate?
All the people I cared about were once there for me, but one day, they will have to leave for the reasons they made and even they don't want to.
"Hush. Okay? Come on, let's go to sleep again."
I feel like a child living after my crying. Slowly I returned to my lying position and the blanket covered my entire body except for my head. No matter how hot it is, I still chose to wrap my body in the blanket because I felt like I was alone.
I miss my life outside this cell.
Even though I don't like what's happening, I remain independent.
As I closed my eyes I was slowly falling asleep. My last memory is of me hugging my pillow while thinking of my parents. They must have been happy now that they are together. And I am too embarrassed to live right now because of so many failures and disappointments I made for myself.
Do they still love me now?
Even in my worst situation?
I bet it's a no.
The sound of a resounding fire alarm and the shouts of the prisoners I heard by the time I returned to trance. I got up and went with the prisoners out of their cells.
"Monica! Monica!"
Thick smoke billowed at me as I exited the jail. The hall is crowded, pushing and hurting while going out. Everyone wants to come first to save themselves.
"Nelly! Gladys!"
I was separated from my companions and now I am looking for them in the sea of people with me. I don't know where they are. It's as if I'm just floating and just going out with them, there's no need to step on my feet because I'm already being carried.
"Hurry! Go straight to the open field!" Order the police.
My body was squeezing and I couldn't breathe. Apart from the smoke that was blocking my breathing, the narrow passage was added because the prisoners were sticking together. My legs suddenly ached when someone behind me stepped on them.
"Watch your step, dumbhead!" I cry the moment I face it.
"Hurry up! It's not a park! You see there's a fire!" She even coughed in front of me.
Eww!
"I am walking as fast as I could! Why can't you tell that to the people in front?"
Idiot!
I saw her eyes still glaze over with anger before I turned away. She pushed me causing my hands to stretch forward for balance. But the result was even worse, I fell and fell to the floor. In my confusion, I tried to crawl but my hands were trampled.
"Dannazione!" I cried.
Kind of having a stampede right now. I protected my head while trying to crawl still. I cry in pain every time my body is kicked, stepped on and pushed. I could not stand it because it was like the needle could barely penetrate them.
I cried for help over and over until one police scoop me out of that stampede.
"Ms Monica, are you okay?" Lieutenant De Castro showed up.
My crying got louder when we got out. He was still carrying me while my head was pressed against his neck.
"Here. Calm now. You're safe." He lowered me to the bench but he still didn't leave.
There are many more inmates inside who still need help to get out. Gradually, my breathing eased as I inhaled the air from outside. I don't even know how we got to this position so quickly.
"Nelly! Gladys! They're still inside. They need help!" I tried to stand up with my trembling knees but I just fell down.
My friends are still in there. They need to be saved as well. I need to see them.
"They'll all be saved. Don't worry." He helped me to my feet and supported me to sit up again.
I'm a naughty person and even though I can't stand up I still push it. I still have friends inside in the middle of the fire. I haven't seen them come out yet and I'm too worried about them.
"No. You need to save them, please." My voice cracked from tears and exhaustion.
Thirty minutes later, firefighters had put out the fire throughout the cell. It spread quickly because of the thin wood that lined only the middle of the cells. Doctors and nurses also came to see us all.
"Why do they keep putting this red blanket over me?" I was kind to De Castro when he got close to me.
"Because you're in shocked, Miss." The answer is this.
Shocked.
That was not the right word to describe what I have felt earlier in the fire.
My tears started to burst again. I have nothing to do but cry. I was out of my mind. I was so stupid
"I just came from the realization from what happened earlier," I said.
"Do you need anything?" He asked.
I shook my head and held back my tears again. He sat down next to me and arranged the red blanket that wrapped around me.
"I'm terrified. I just realized that I'm not ready to die yet."
I suddenly cried loudly again. Still trembling from the traumatic experienced I have, once again.
"I can't die. Not right now."
I still haven't fulfilled my family's wish.
"The fire was done intentionally. Other blocks were not affected." He said.
"For what reason?" Who would do such a thing?
Everywhere I go I am always prone to danger. But even a few more times that happened I was still alive. I am so grateful to the people who protect me.
Carter, Helga, Papa, those people who really care.
"You're still trembling. Here."
He placed another red blanket over my shoulder covering my whole upper body. I didn't notice that I was barefooted for almost half an hour. My legs are dirty and shaky.
"The detectives are here. We haven't saved a lot from the fire." Another policeman approached us.
"How many?" I asked. Cannot help to interfere.
"Sixteen dead bodies were found by the firemen," replied the policeman who had just arrived.
The tremor in my chest began to rise again. Of all the people coming out of the burning jail, I still don't see Nelly and Gladys. We have been parted since they last called my name. Screaming on top of their lungs.
"Where are they? Did you find Nelly and Gladys?" I asked them, desperately.
"There are no signs of them, Miss. But we're already doing everything we can to find them all." The policeman replied.
"Then it's not enough! It's been an hour since the fire broke, and they are not yet found!"
"Ma'am, calm down. We're doing it our way."
"Your ways of finding them are all a waste!"
"Miss Carluccio," De Castro stopped me.
I try to calm myself down even though I feel like I'm going to explode any second. I'm worried for the two because until now they still haven't been found. I couldn't bear to see them with the inmates lined up on the floor.
They don't deserve that.
"Mr Detective, please find my friends. Nelly and Gladys, I haven't seen them since I got out of the fire. Please!" I approached the police who were investigating the dead prisoners.
"Miss Carluccio!" I didn't listen to De Castro who's trying to stop me.
"We are doing all that we can to find everyone. Please step aside, Miss. You're disturbing the investigation." The police replied.
I was already begging him that I was almost on my knees.
Fifteen minutes have passed, my dearest cousin arrived. A concerned face was visible to Mateo and immediately attend in front of me. I can't help but cry silently while looking at him. I saw his mouth moving, asking if I was okay but I cannot find any words to answer that. He immediately grabbed my body to his chest, burying my face to his neck.
"Hush now, fratello's here. I'm here." He caresses my hair in an up and down motion.
This is the first time he said brother to himself. He never wanted me to call him that way.
"Are you alright?" He asked in a low tone.
I shook my head onto his neck in response.
"It's okay. I'm here. You're safe. We will get you out of here, okay? I promise." He kissed my forehead and embrace me tightly again.
When I calmed down he took me to his car. His engine was on so we couldn't suffocate because of the closed windows. I was still shaking because of the fire and still worried for my friends. I just pray that they are safe now.
"I'll talk to Francis so you can get out of here. I can't afford not to see you. Maybe the next time I visit you will be gone." Said Mateo.
I didn't answer him, I was just an idiot.
"Monica, I failed to protect you last time. And I won't miss this single chance to do it right again."
Protect? Again? How long can I hope for the protection of others?
"Do you know what your father told me before he left after we last met in Manila?" He asked.
I looked at him. It caught my attention when he mentioned Dad. How would I know? I didn't even know they were talking.
"Mateo, I entrust my dear daughter to you. I trust that you will protect her on my behalf when I'm gone if I'm gone... Those are the exact words he said after we parted our ways."
"Why would he entrust me to you?" I asked.
"I also asked that," he said.
"What did he tell you?" I am curious.
"Because he trusts me. That's all." He said.
Tears were starting to form in my eyes again so I looked away from the window next to me. I closed my eyes tightly to drip tears that should no longer follow. I told myself then that I would not cry when I remembered how Dad had died. I need to be tough and brave so that I can get back the things that should be mine, in my family and in our care.
I need to bring back our honour.
Some may think that I am just into material things such as property and money. But they are wrong. Those material things are a sentiment to my family's name from our ancestors. The blood, sweat and tears of our ancestors are the main foundation of this heirloom. Whatever happens, I will bring it back to our possession.
Familiar faces I saw as I opened my eyes. Before the white cloths covered their faces I briefly got out of the car.
"Monica!" Mateo calls.
I ran its distance while yelling at the cops lifting them up.
I am certain, it's them.
"Wait! Please! Wait a minute! I need to see her." I begged the police.
They accommodated my request. They lower the body being carried next to another body on the side. He slowly tore the white cloth between the two bodies and I could not stop myself from sitting on the cement.
"Monica! You're not supposed to be here!" Mateo pulls my arm but he can't bear my weight.
My chest hurt so much when I found them like this. Faces burned, lifeless and wrapped in white cloth. So unlucky because they don't deserve to be here.
"It's them," I was referring to the dead bodies.
"Nelly," I pointed to the woman on the left.
"Gladys," I pointed to the woman on the right.
Even though it was burned and they could hardly be recognized, I still managed to get to know them. The rest of their burnt clothes served as my guide to know that they were that person.
"They don't deserve this. They don't deserve to die." I whispered hysterically like a whimpering dog.
"Come now. Let's get out of here." My cousin said.
"It's my fault," I keep saying.
"It's not, dear. Hush please."
Why does everyone who comes close to me leave? They were around for a few moments. When my trust in them is built, then obstacles will come in for them to leave me.
Am I a jinx?
I cried and cried until my cousin helped me back into his car. The shoes he gave me, I did not wear because of my sudden running towards the corpses.
I have also been stunned a few times for this day. Waking up in the morning, I would start screaming for help to save me from the fire. Lunch was the little scars and scratches I got. It's going to be night and I still didn't eat. Aside from my lack of appetite, I also can't eat well.
"Are you okay?" Mateo asked again.
Throughout the day, he asked me this question for the sixth time.
"Am I giving people bad luck?" I thought.
"Why would you say that?" Why? Why not?
"Because every time I will care for them, it's either they will leave or they will die." And I have no intention of adding to that.
"Stop thinking that way, please. You don't hold their lives, okay? It's not your fault." I heard him open a bottle of water. "Here, drink this. Just calm down."
He handed me the bottle and I did not hesitate to accept it. But I didn't drink it, I just held it over my thigh.
I let out a deep sigh and bowed. I can still imagine the pain that Nelly and Gladys went through. To this day I still shed tears for them. So far they have been brought to the lab to investigate to name and find their record to inform their families.
I remember their smiles as they told me about their children. How eager they are to embrace them. Get together and talk for a long period of time. But now, they can no longer do that.
They no longer have to do that.
"You haven't eaten yet. I passed Ivan's restaurant before I came here. I brought your favourite pasta." He took from the back seat the plastic containing the food.
"A pasta that will remind me of my father," I can't help it.
He sighed. "You still need to eat. And at least three bites, just to fill your stomach. You haven't eaten before."
"Brother," I called him finally.
"Oh, what's that? What do you want? I'm here." Those were his answers with so many worries in them.
"I just want to get out of here. It's killing me." I sobbed.
"Don't worry. Fratello will make a way for you to get out of here. I'll talk to Francis, even if I beg him. I will." He said promptly as he stroked my hair. Gradually wiping away my tears.
"It was such a dreadful day for me. I just realized that I'm scared. Mateo, I am afraid to die."
Even with my eyes closed my tears continued to flow. Mateo came over to hug me.
"I won't let that happen. I promise you." He said.