This could have resulted from me watching and reading too many stories about best friends falling in love with each other. I shouldn't have opened the damn book that started it all. I shouldn't have downloaded Jason Chen's hit song 'Best Friend'. I shouldn't have confessed at all.

But despite all the thousand reasons why I shouldn't have fallen in love with my best friend, I still fell.

'My heart flutters when he smiles.

'My breath hitches when he looks my way.

'My skin burns when his arm brushes against mine.'

I was powerless against the spell he had on me, and before I could stop, I spiraled deep within the beautiful fantasies that maybe, maybe we could be something more. I had no idea the smallest whisper of emotions could shatter those phantasms, even the most real-like ones.

———

June 21st, 20XX

Iba, Zambales

The moon was not present tonight. I sat on a bench made of bamboo stems, staring at the wide rice fields across the muddy undeveloped road with an absent-mind. Ominous clouds gathered in the night sky and lightning flashed every now and then.

A storm was coming.

"You're staying the night, yes?"

I turned to my side and looked at the boy wearing a blue basketball jersey. Raymond Del Rosario has been my best friend since elementary, even though we were each other's complete opposite. He's Mr. Congenial—Sporty—Adonis that almost everyone admires, while I'm Mr. Bookworm—I'd Rather Talk To My Cat Than Socialize With Humans—Nerd, who would slap someone with a book if they dared bother me on my reading time. I'm still astounded at how the two of us got along all these years.

"Johan?"

"Huh?"

Raymond rolled his eyes at my lost expression. "I said, sleep here tonight. It's already quarter to eleven."

I shrugged my shoulders and focused on the swaying rice stalks, wondering if I would see anything supernatural if I squint my eyes. Raymond's father was a farmer, and their house was far from the more developed area in our village.

The bamboo bench gave a squeak when he sat down beside me, his firm arms circling around my waist. "It's my birthday today."

"I know. I bought you a cake, remember?" I tried to ignore the wild thumping of my heart, but the minty fragrance of his newly showered hair made the task harder for me.

"Thanks," Raymond said, snuggling on my neck. "For the cake, and for coming today."

"S-sure."

"Where's my birthday kiss?"

I pulled away slightly to give him a reprimanding stare, and he flashed me a charming smile in return. "You're abusing my patience today, aren't you?"

"Oh, come on."

"Go back inside," I told him instead, removing his arms around me. "You have visitors inside. Go check on them and stop bothering me."

"You should come inside too. It's cold here."

"Nah. I'd like to appreciate the beauty of nature."

'While I still can.'

"Dude, it's dark."

"I'm nocturnal, shut up."

Raymond laughed at me, his warm chestnut eyes crinkling with mirth. He pulled me in his embrace again, his high-bridge nose digging at the side of my neck, sending unwanted shivers all over my body. He should stop doing that, yet I can't bring myself to tell him off.

He's become my world, a seed that has been nurtured within my soul. It's hard to imagine life without him.

I wonder where we went wrong.

We stayed in each other's embrace for a while, until I heard muffled laughter, and I instinctively pulled away from Raymond's arms. The front door of their two-story house opened and several people emerged. Most were his friends from the basketball club.

I picked up the acoustic guitar beside me and pretended to tune the damn instrument even if I don't know how to play a single chord.

"Raymond! Bro, we've been looking for you!" said a boy wearing the same jersey as him.

"We're gonna get going, Raymond. Happy eighteenth birthday again!" quipped the girl holding the boy's arm.

"Yeah, thanks for coming guys. I appreciate it." Raymond smiled at them, fist-bumping with the boys and giving friendly hugs to the girls.

"Oh, Johan, hi!" greeted a guy with blond highlights. "I didn't know you were here."

"Don't mind me. I'm just an apparition," I replied, turning the pegs of the guitar. Now, how would I know if I have tuned it right?

The guy only gave an awkward laugh. "Haha... A-all right then. I'll see you around?"

I didn't bother replying and busied myself with figuring out how to play the guitar.

The last person who emerged from the door was their basketball coach. Just like the others, he gave Raymond a birthday greeting. He reached for a hug and was about to place a kiss on Raymond's cheek when our eyes met.

Right, this was where everything went wrong.

I didn't bother smiling at the thirty-year-old man. My face remained placid, and I gave him a blank look. My grip on the guitar tightened, however, when he smirked and placed a chaste kiss near Raymond's ear. "I'll see you around," he said in a meaningful tone and turned around.

Raymond gave me an awkward smile. "That's nothing, okay? Just a friendly kiss."

"I don't really care. You're not my boyfriend," I replied. "Not anymore. So I don't care who you kiss or fuck." My voice came rough and vindictive, more than I intended to be, but I can't take it back anymore.

It's hard to pretend things were cool after we broke up. We agreed to stay friends, but I don't think I can. It's just not the same again. And it's killing me.

I stopped my mindless strumming and grabbed the guitar case, shoving the instrument inside. "I should get going, too."

"Do you really not want to sleep over?"

"Nah. I told Dad I'm just getting his guitar back," I said, adjusting the strap on my shoulder. Raymond borrowed it from my father, promising he'd teach me how to play. Hah! He taught me nothing at all.

"Are you still mad?"

"Mad at what?" I asked, finally meeting his eyes.

Raymond gulped. "At what I did?"

I stared at him, hard. And after a stony silence that stretched for what seemed like an eternity, I answered. "No. What's done is done. Let's not talk about the past."

"Then why?" Raymond blocked my way, his eyes searching. "I already said sorry, didn't I? What else do you want me to do?"

"Nothing. You have to do nothing."

"I thought we're okay."

"We are okay, all right?" I assured him, even if I know it's a lie. "I'm going. Happy Birthday."

"Please stay." Raymond's arms circled around me, the guitar case slipping off my shoulder. His warmth engulfed me, breaking down the walls I'm slowly trying to rebuild.

"Some other time, Raymond. Not tonight."

"Why won't you stay?"

"Why would you want me to?"

"I just—I don't know, but something's telling me if you leave now, you're not coming back again." The quiver in his voice melted me, and I shuddered at his warm breath on my nape.

"... I'll come back."

"Promise?"

"Yeah."

"All right, but I'll walk you home." Why does everything have to be his way?

"Okay."

Raymond hesitated, but finally freed me from his cage. "I'll just go get my wallet. Wait for me here."

"Okay."

Raymond rushed inside their house, leaving me on the patio, under the fruitful mango tree. I looked up at the concrete house, particularly at Raymond's room where we shared countless of memories. He peered at me through the jalousie window before grabbing his wallet, most likely inside his sports bag.

The roar of a tricycle engine reached my ears and before a glimmer of hesitation stopped me, I hailed the vehicle with a heavy arm.

"To the bus station," I said to the driver as soon as I sat on the passenger's seat.

"Johan!"

The way he yelled my name brought me a gut-wrenching pain, but I held my ground. This cycle has got to stop. I gripped the rough fabric of the guitar case as tears flowed freely in my eyes.

Raindrops pelted the bumpy road. The sky roared with threatening flashes, drowning the voice repeatedly calling my name. The sound would hunt me in my nightmares. But like any dreams, this too shall pass.

'Someday;

'When the feeling's gone,

'When it no longer pains me to look at you,

'I'll come back.

'Maybe.'