I couldn't stop staring. Mom. That's who she is, isn't she?
Looking at her makes my heart hurt, fills me with pain, yet the very fact that she stands before me instead of lying in a pool of blood fills me with such joy.
"Why are you crying little one" she said as she wiped away tears that must have fallen. Huh. I thought I didn't have any tears left to shed.
"What happened?" I asked as her hands start stroking my head.
She took a shuddering breath and I could feel her hands tremble on my head as she said "you fell out of your treehouse, you shouldn't have been in the cursed thing in the first place. As you fell you broke your arm and hit your head" she chokes out as she started breaking down in front of me.
"Where's dad?" I asked her. I saw something flash through her eyes. Maybe he already left us?
"He's at work" she responded and started having this faraway look in her eyes.
"Mom. Look at me" I tell her, forcing her to focus on the here and now again.
I don't fully understand what's going on, but seeing that she hasn't lost her mind yet and dad is apparently still in the picture means that somehow what happened in my dream likely hasn't happened yet. If it ever will. Though something inside tells me that if I don't intervene it most certainly will.
I'll trust my gut this once and try.
She would always get that look in her eyes when she started closing herself off. When reality was too much to bear.
"Whatever you decide" I start to say but then my throat closes up again. I coughed and asked for water.
"Here you go, love. Drink up" mom said as she held a cup of water to my mouth.
I drank and took another breath.
"I'm with you" I said haltingly. As though any moment my throat would close up again or I might have another fit.
"If you- you... want to leave I fully support your decision" I said looking right into her eyes. I took her hands in mine and told her "you are my world and I just want you to understand that you deserve so much more". I urge her to understand that I know, I know she knows, and whatever she wants I will stand right beside her.
Although my dad left us for my tutor, it hadn't been the first time he'd cheated. Although he never lifted a hand against my mom, she was in pain. I could feel the helplessness oozing from her as she took whatever he dished out as though that was all she deserved. As though that's what she had to do because he is the person she chose and left her everything behind for.
Her hands squeezed mine and I saw realisation finally dawn. That I understood, that I knew, and that I didn't blame her.
"I can't" she said although her eyes begged for something I'm not sure she knew I could see.
"Yes, you can" I told her.
That's all it took for the dam to burst.
She broke down in front of me and I understood that the only reason she never left him wasn't because she couldn't let go of him or her love for him. It was because of me.
What this conversation has taught me is the following:
1. This is my mom now. I love her, and I will do anything to protect her.
2. Whatever happened in that dream was real. It showed me what was likely to become Drake's life, the trajectory he was on.
3. Whatever happened when I was knocked out melded both who I used to be and who Drake was, is and was going to become.
4. I'm alive. I had let go, I had died. Yet, here I am - breathing.
5. I'm Drake.