Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.
Ugh. Insomnia. Again.
The continuous sound of the circular wall clock hanging in front of my bed breaks the silence in my dark room. It's already 3 in the morning. I've been tossing and turning for a while now - 5 hours maybe? I guess.
I stood up and stared at my bed, it's a mess. I am a total mess.
I went in front of the glass window to pour a drink. The lights of the city is still as bright as the midnight party lights.
I'm still broken. I'm still fragile.
It's been a week since I arrived from New York. I went to visit you since you were moved to manage another company branch.
We were already planning the engagement party - an event that should have been finished months ago.
But I understood.
Your company faced issues and you had no time to push the engagement through.
It was fine. I was okay with it.
"JK, I'm sorry but we need to push the engagement off the plan. I am being sent to New York for company matters."
You were teary-eyed while telling me this.
Although it was out of the "what-ifs", I smiled and agreed to your decision.
"Just do as you planned. I'll wait for you."
Everything was doing fine the next days.
You were always doing overtime and I understood it, since it was always like that.
"Baby, surprise! I'm going with you to New York. I bought the tickets."
I was very excited to tell you that, but you looked at me annoyingly.
"Why bother? The company already bought my ticket."
My heart ached at what you said but I shrugged it off, maybe you are just stressed from work.
I talked to my manager and gave the tickets to him, haggling for an exchange with the same flight as yours. But since there was no refunds in buying the tickets, I ended up buying another one to be in the same plane with you.
You were quiet the whole travel, eyes moving from the window to the laptop then to your phone and back to sleep. That was the only process.
Days became weeks. Weeks became months. You became colder and I felt your presence disappearing.
So, I decided to give you a surprise.
When I arrived at NY, I immediately tracked your phone. You were in a bar.
Although my mind started to wander to different thoughts, I shook it off and trusted you.
Party lights flashing. Sweaty bodies everywhere grinding onto somebody. Bottled drinks in the air. It's intoxicating.
Then a black dress caught my eye, a very familiar one. I slipped my way through the crowd and saw you.
Your arms wrapped around his neck. His hands on your waist. Lustful look filling the aura.
Damn.
I called your phone trying to confirm what was happening.
You walked to a girl waving your phone. You grabbed it and exited the club.
"Hey." You answered.
You looked at my direction and I was sure you caught a glimpse of me but you shrugged it off.
"Hey, how are you?" I asked, still afraid at what I should say.
"I'm doing fine. I'm having a meeting right now." You said.
Good liar, I thought. Your surrounding noise was quite quiet so someone else on the other line might think you might be telling the truth.
"Oh. Okay." My heart fell.
"I'm dropping the call now. I should get back."
"Ugh wait! I love you. Do you still love me?" I became nervous at that.
Your end suddenly became silent.
The guy you were dancing with came and hugged you from the back. He started kissing your neck and you were trying to keep quiet.
"I do. I still do. So if you'll excuse me, I need to finish my job." You ended the call.
You faced the guy and started making out with him.
You! You were toying with me.
He grabbed your hand and pulled you to an Audi, drove and left the area.
I was left there. Stunned.
I wasted my whole youth to be with you. I risked my career to be with you. I neglected my family's opinions to be with you. But you treated me like trash. Damn.
I don't remember clearly what happened next but I was sure I came back to the hotel drunk.
F**k. I still can't believe it.
I called you next morning but you never picked up until the fifth one.
It was the guy's voice.
You can say I was scared.
Yes, I was scared you might leave me for him.
But I need to make the call. I need to make the decision now.
You had your chance to tell me.
Now, I have to clean this mess. I have to tell my party that the engagement is off, totally off.
I was too dumb to fight for you.
I was too stupid to protect you from what they were saying.
I was too blinded by your words.
F**k.
I hope you live a good life.
I hope you realize your loss.
I hope you become whatever you wanted to be.
But, f**k everything, I just hoped you lied when I asked if you loved me.
F**k you.
Goodbye.