"Are you sure you don't want to come with me?" Conner barely looked up from his phone, scowling at my words like I had just asked him to clean up urine.
"I'm busy."
"You are on your phone looking at memes."
"Yeah but there's a Clash on League in an hour."
"Is Clash really more important than my health?" We stood in the silence, the guilty look on his face and the loaded silence enough of an answer for me. I was always his last priority, and today was no different. During this meeting today, I could find out if I had to remained hooked up to machines for the rest of my life. That seemed unimportant and trivial in his eyes, but I felt like if it came between him and living rent and job free he would care. I felt like my heart was a water balloon on the verge of popping, being squeezed tightly in the clutches of grief.
I wanted to tell him that I didn't want to die alone. That I wanted him there for strength during a difficult time for me. From the glint in his eye and his disinterested and angered expression told me my words were worthless. They would not pierce the cold sheet of iron he placed around himself to lock me out. I felt like he was more in this relationship for the free ride, rather than any love for me. I chewed back my words and left the house without another peep, figuring it would be best to keep the peace rather than fight. The doctor I saw worked as a specialist in the the Toronto General Hospital. It wasn't too far away from my home, maybe a 30 to 45 minute walk for the average person. For me it was closer to hours long because of the weakness in my limbs. I had to bus which took around the same time as walking. I stood weakly at the bus stop right outside my home. There was loud howling wind that ripped through me, and I clutched the metal bar of the bus sign for support. I could see the bus approaching from the far distance. The large blue and white vehicle had to swerve through angry and terrible drivers trying to pass it, and generally getting in its way and making it slower. My appointment was at two, so the traffic was thick and I groaned as the wind ripped further into me. When it finally reached me after trying to swim through the traffic, the bus driver opened the door and a bunch of people started barreling out of the entrance door rather than the exit. It was a blur of clothes and I was bumped into several times. I had to hold onto sign for my dear life as I was bumped around like a ping pong ball. I was dizzy from the movement, and once the tidal wave of people dispersed. The disgruntled large bald man in the driver seat rolled his eyes at me and grunted at me to get on. I was shaking as I tried to regain my bearings, and the driver huffed and rolled his eyes at me again. His large and sweaty face was now turning more red and he was huffing like he had run for miles. He whispered something under his breath, but it definitely wasn't nice judging by the look on his face. Embarrassed I just pushed in the change needed to the machine, grabbed the transfer ticket that printed and scooted into the bus. I was wobbling, and noticed that the place was completely packed. Sitting in the reserved area for people with medical problems by the front was a middle aged woman in a suit, texting on her phone. The bus started up, and as it lurched to life I stumbled forward. I managed to grab a pole, but people were snickering at me like I was a baby deer trying to walk on ice. I was out of breath standing there, and when I made eye contact pleadingly with people sitting, they just looked away. I felt like I was about to pass out as the street sailed passed us. I closed my eyes, grit my teeth and held onto the sweaty yellow bar with all my might. I listened to the robotic woman's voice to the bus as it stated the stops. I could hear the dings from people trying to get off, the shuffling of feet and the whispers around me. I felt like I was going to lose my stomach right there, feeling severely motion sick. Every time the bus stopped and started I was swayed back and forth violently as I could barely hold onto the pole.
"Miss, are you okay?" I cracked an eye open to see a couple of students holding their book bags and laptops. There were three in total, two girls and one boy. The two girls looked like polar opposites physically-- like literally day and night. One was pale, short and plump, with dirty blonde hair pulled back into a bun. Her glasses were falling off her nose, and she looked like everything a guy would determine as cute in her soft grey sweater. The other was tall, slender and athletic, with dark chocolate skin and almost perfect features. She looked almost like a super model. The boy was leaning over the smaller girl. He was First Nation decent, and wore his long black hair back into a ponytail. He had on a black hoodie, but there was a traditional Ojibwe medicine wheel on his sweater and laptop case. He was a tall and buff guy, with handsome features. A five o'clock shadow, and high sharp cheekbones. He had gold eyes that were keenly put on the pale girl in front of him. A circle cut into four pieces, the north being white, east red, south yellow, and west black. All three of them look concerned for me, as I was basically a part of the pole at this point.
"I-I just get really dizzy." I wasn't lying, but I would have felt like I was trying to guilt trip if I told them why I was so feeble. The three still looked concerned, and the smaller girl looked over to the middle aged woman still on her phone. She marched over to her, and stood in front of the auburn haired woman.
"Excuse me, would you mind if I sat there?" The woman scowled as the girl piped up softly. She looked up to her with a sneer as the small girl grabbed the pole next to her.
"I'm busy here."
"You're sitting in the disabled seat."
"Do you see anyone disabled here? Get lost!" She grinned at the woman's venomous words. The boy sauntered over to her and wrapped his arm around her waist to hold her upright. She moved her leg in a awkward way that looked like it should have snapped it. Instead, from the knee down of her right leg fell out of her pant leg. Everyone stood there in silence, as the prosthetic leg began to roll around the bus. The other girl reached down and picked it up, grabbed my arm and pulling me with her carefully. The middle aged woman looked really embarrassed, and fled from the seat and farther to the back of the bus while people laughed. I was still confused by why the other girl was pulling me with her, but she gently threw me into the free seat. I blinked in confusion as she then knelt down and helped the pale girl put her leg back on under her black yoga pants.
"You should sit down!" The pale girl just laughed and waved her arms, patting her friends shoulder in thanks.
"It's okay, Makwa usually holds me up during these rides. We're just going to the hospital which is only five stops away." The boy-- Makwa looked a little sheepish at her words. His gold eyes were looking away and his ears were turning red. The other girl elbowed his waist a little and made a whistling noise.
"I'm going to the hospital too." The pale girl was interested in me, but the other two were now poking and prodding each other. She looked over to me for a brief second and frowned, probably noticing my blue veins and nearly transparent skin.
"How about we go together? We might as well." She smiled sweetly, the white dress shirt poking out from under her grey sweater moving as the bus stopped.
"That would be nice. I never introduced myself, I'm Suri." I held out my weak hand to her and she gladly accepted it.
"I'm Marianne. This is Makwa and Delphine." The other girl gave me a small wave.
"It's very lovely to meet you." The other girl had a thick creole accent, grinning with her perfect features. I gave her a small wave, and Marianne smiled as Delphine began to to poke at Makwa again. The trio was lovely, trying to cheer me up and cracking jokes. When the hospital stop came up, Delphine reached behind me and pulled the white chord to signal the stop. The bus screeched for the stop. Makwa wrapped his arm around Marianne and gently escorted her off the correct side of the bus. Delphine kindly offered me her arm, her soft white fleece sweater soft under my touch. Her natural hair was pulled into a bun on her head, and she towered over me as she escorted me off.
"You have to be more careful," Her beautiful voice rung and I felt a little embarrassed. She was very kind, and her maple eyes gleamed at me as she helped me off the bus. The large glass and stone building of the hospital stood before me intimidatingly. I felt a shiver down my spine, and my nerves were finally ringing alarm bells.
"Do you want us to bring you to where you need to go?" Delphine asked. She was looking a little worried, and so were the other two. I felt a little bad, the wind still almost knocking me over as the wind shook me back and forth. The over ten story brown and white concrete building looked at me menacingly, the corner of the hospital shining at me like it was mocking me. It was filling me with dread, and I felt like I was going to cry.
"Oh that's okay. I wouldn't want to inconvenience you." I released Delphine's kind arm, smiling at her with gratitude.
"You have your own things to do. Thank you so much for your help though it means a lot." The trio shared a look, concern filling their eyes. These were three people I didn't even know, and yet they were so concerned about my safety it was endearing. They truly were good Samaritans. Marianne reaches into her book bag and pulled out a small writing pad and generic blue ink pen. She scribbled something down, her face turning red from the cold. Delphine skipped over and took the page as she ripped it from the notepad. Rushing back to me, Delphine pressed the paper into my hands.
"Let us know if you need anything." The two girls said in sync. They grinned and giggled as they did so, before rushing into the hospital to escape the cold.
I sat in the brown office chair, feeling a little faint after having to go through the physical. I had to have x-rays to check my lungs, blood work done, and an MRI to see how everything is functioning. Usually people would have to wait days for their results, however my condition did not give me many days. I usually had to wait for a couple hours in the hospital to make sure I could be discharged and be given an update on my status. The only one that would take a bit was my blood work, since that was difficult to speed up the process. I twirled my thumbs, feeling a little anxious as I waited for my doctor to reappear. Her office was clean and minimalistic, only a thick brown desk with computer before me. There were three black chairs, one behind the desk and two where I was sitting. There was a large window that made up her back wall overlooking the city, watching the smog roll over the grey sky and cars skitter around the streets like insects. The only other thing in the office were two book cases on either wall lined with various medical journals. The grey walls were taunting me, and the black linoleum glimmered like onyx beneath me. The tension was enough to make it hard to breathe and a cold sweat was gathering on the back of my neck. I watched the standard black and white clock tick as time marched forward slowly like it was mocking me. I felt like I was suffocating. The more time that passed, the more anxiety built up in my chest. It was like I had a Tasmanian devil in my chest scratching its way out. My throat was dry and scratchy and I felt tears welling in me as I tried to stabilize myself. That was when the door swung open and I jumped, turning to see the kind and angelic face of Doctor Sasaki. She was a almost ethereal Japanese woman, with the most reassuring face I had ever seen. Long ebony hair with a tinge of grey to it, a timeless and soft face with warm and kind features. Her eyes were almost always lidded with a softness to it, with blue flecks in the brown depths. She was small and slender, hidden underneath a white lab coat and blue scrubs.
"Hello my dear, how are you feeling?" She reached out to me with her little soft hands. She grabbed my shoulder almost lovingly. Her peachy lips were in a tight smile, and there was something in her eyes that looked like she was filled with regret. It made my heart squeeze in my chest.
"I'm okay Doctor." I lied.
"I told you to call me Junko." She walked around and sat down across from me, looking a little pale. I knew that was when the news would not be good.
"Suri, how have you really been feeling." My silence was my answer. I couldn't find the words. Junko sighed and nodded, understanding what that meant.
"The muscles around your heart have weakened significantly in the past three months. Yours lungs show that fluid has started to build up, and there is fluid around your heart as well. We will have to preform a thoracentesis to remove the fluid in your lungs, and a pericardiocentesis to remove it around your heart. Because you're so fragile, we have to do them separately. They are not life threatening at the moment, so you've been scheduled next week for both procedures." My stomach felt like it was going to fall from me and spill onto the floor.
"What does that mean?" Her face was dark as she looked at me.
"It will all be determined by how everything goes. You'll be under observation for about a week or two depending on how the procedures go. Until then you can't overwork yourself, otherwise the consequences could be fatal. If it was up to me you would be staying in here until your procedures." My ears burned at her words. We had this discussion before, and she knew that I would refuse to be hospitalized until I was under a procedure or healing from one. She looked annoyed from it, her greying hair swaying a bit as she was in thought.
"I'm going to put it this way. If you overwork yourself, you could make your condition worse. This could lead to you either being permanently attached to a oxygen tank, bedridden, or dead. Do you understand me?" Her words were scary and cold, but her voice was warm and full of worry. I nodded, feeling like the world was crumbling around me. I felt distant, like my body was floating away. I knew that I was going to die, but the fact that it would happen probably soon made me feel like the weight of the world was crushing me. Somewhere deep down, I had a feeling I wasn't going to make it through the week.