The dreams were still coming of the strange woman in the hut. Most of the time if was just us sitting together looking at the dancing flames as they changed into various forms. People performing carnal dances, deer and rabbits dancing amongst themselves in a forest, and birds flying high. Sometimes it was a replay for the previous dream. Sometimes it was just the two of us in a dark space, staring at each other with icy eyes as she spoke in an unknown language. When I would wake, I was in a similar dreary situation. I was never alone, but I felt alone as I drifted around after my appointment. I had told Conner, but he barely seemed to care seeming unfazed. His only words to me?
"We knew this was coming sooner than later."
That was it. Not how sorry he was and how he would support me. Not how he loved me and would care for me in this next week. Nothing but almost a scolding from him for being upset over my possible incoming demise. How dare I be so upset about my possible death? Johnny, Chris and Jeremy seemed to notice my sudden decline and silence. Luca and Elijah made their rounds, and even they seemed to notice that I was quieter than usual, and almost like a ghost floating around. I was careful to not overwork myself, and even though I kept my diagnosis to myself Chris and Johnny were always beside me. Saturday climbed high in the air as I reached my work. I was pale as ever, and silent. We were in the middle of the dinner rush when I arrived and I was flitting about the table to table. My lungs were crying out for me to stop and I felt an increasing dizziness. Tables melted together, and time went quickly the more busy we became. By the time the rush was over and the classic graveyard crawl came, I almost was collapsing as my chest squeezed itself in revolt.
"Would you like to go home?" Johnny asked me. I didn't answer, just sat at the bar in the empty diner, trying to catch myself with a glass of water. My dry throat thanked me, but my dry eyes were threatening to spill again. I was never really the silent type, and Johnny grew more concerned for me. He kept looking over to me as I sat there, looking at the sleek bar. How many more times would I see this bar before it was over? What was the point? My prognosis wasn't very good, even if the fluid was drained. I was so weak lately, I doubted that I wouldn't be hooked up to a breathing apparatus or placed in the hospital as my body slowly melted away. I felt like crying, like throwing something as rage bubbled in me. I was a good person, and I worked hard. Why did life find it fair that I would die? Why would I be condemned to a life of suffocation and isolation while murderers and rapists got good working bodies? How was this at all fair? I wanted to start screaming, but just as I almost let my lungs loose, I felt a soft hand on my shoulder.
"Are you okay?" The silky and strong voice chimed behind me. I knew who it was before I turned around, but the question was enough to almost make me burst with tears. I managed to bite them back, only trembling as I held back sobs. No, I wasn't okay. I was the farthest thing from okay. Elijah stood behind me, holding my shoulder as I trembled and Johnny probably saw how red and puffy my face was becoming.
"Honey, how about you get some fresh air?" He didn't need to tell me twice as I immediately stormed outside, ripping my shoulder out of Elijah's grasp and storming past a bewildered Luca as I couldn't hold it back anymore. I dashed out the door and around the corner to the back alley. There was a large green garbage bin and I hid behind it, collapsing to my but onto the wet ground as a misting rain fell around me. That was when everything exploded. The three days of holding in my emotions finally broke down and I released a wail much closer to a scream than a sob. In fact, I was screaming. I began pulling at my hair as it fell from my bun, slowly becoming soaked from my own tears and the rain slowly falling around me. I was shrieking, causing my lungs to tremble from the force but I didn't stop. The honks from the cars outside hid some of my screaming, but I was sure the odd person was looking down the ally. I was a sobbing mess, my hair ruined, my clothes soaking, and my face burning as I wailed like a newborn. Everything was collapsing around me, and my glasses slipped from my nose and onto my lap and I shook.
Why me? Why now? Why was it fair that I got twenty years on this planet and now my own mortality was facing me. I used to think that when my death did come I would meet it unafraid and with open arms. Now? The idea of dying scared me more than anything. I was living a pathetic existence, loveless and alone despite being surrounded by people. I rubbed my eyes until they were raw and sore, and my throat quickly became hoarse and dry from my wailing. I was hot in the cold rain, my eyes squeezed shut to block out the world. I was wallowing in my own self pity, being swallowed by a dark pit of grief and despair. I was drowning in this dark sea of emotion, the darkened and crying sky mocking me. It got to the point my wails were quieted not because I was comforted, but because I had torn my throat up so much that I could only silently cry. I had a headache, I was sore and raw with emotion. I felt like I was going to pass out. I put my head n my knees and sat there, trembling with little hiccups for sobs. That's when I felt the rain suddenly stop from around me, and there was a warmth fanning the crown of my head.
"I asked you if you were okay." Elijah's voice hummed from above me. I managed to lift my head and realized they probably heard my whole tantrum, and I probably looked like an absolute wreck. I sat still though, waiting for the mocking and the torment as if my situation was pure comedy. Instead Luca and Elijah shielded me from the rain, pure concern in their eyes.
"No." I managed to croak. I was like a toddler who's parents were watching them cry from a bully going after them. Elijah reached out to me and wrapped his hand around the back of my neck, this thumb resting on my cheek.
"You've been crying a lot. Do you want to talk about it?" I shook my head, not wanting to speak about my impending death.
"I'm just overreacting." I hiccupped, rubbing my eyes again which nearly screamed at me with pain from being so raw.
"You can tell us what's upsetting you."
"I don't want to talk about it." I snapped after Luca spoke. I felt bad immediately and managed to release a few more tears. I was a broken husk beneath them, an insignificant worm having an existential crisis. The three of us sat there, Elijah using his body to shield me from the rain. He was drenched by the end, his hair slick with rain and his white shirt see through but I paid no mind. I did see a silver seven pointed star against his chest, but I couldn't see it very well. He left his hand there for a moment, before there were more footstep coming towards up.
"Suri what's wrong?" Johnny rushed over, causing Elijah to back off. I looked to see Johnny wrapping me in his thin black windbreaker, leaving him in his mint green tea as he looked at me with worry.
"Nothing--"
"Don't even say that shit to me," He barked causing me to shrink, "I told you to tell me when you're upset and we can work through it! You know we are always here for you." His words were kind but I perceived a hollowness to them. He did not know that my time was reaching its end, that I would not be here much longer for him to care for me. I was still a burden in my final days, but I managed to steel myself enough to make sure that I wouldn't make myself a miserable beast before I died. I wanted the restaurant to remember me for being funny and kind, not explosive and sad. Steeling myself I brushed away my tears and gathered my nerves. I wouldn't live for me, and I wouldn't leave much of a memory. The memory I did want to leave, I wanted to make sure that it was bright for those who knew me even when I was filled with darkness.