I woke up to the sound of my phone ringing. I tried to open my eyes despite the sunlight.
KDG_1220 calling
I answered the call right away so as not to disturb the boys who are still sleeping. My eyes hurt from the light and I could really feel how puffy they are.
"Hm?" I greeted Kurt with sleepy eyes and voice.
"What's wrong with your eyes?" I lowered the volume of my phone. I could get my headphones from my bag but I am too lazy to get out of the bed.
"I just woke up. I slept really late last night," I told him. It was a lie. I cried my eyes out last night that's why they look like that now. I don't know if he bought my lie but he just proceeded with eating his food.
"Where are you?" he asked me. I looked around me. How could he know I'm at a different place when all I'm showing is my face.
"I slept over at Andrei's because it was too late last night, not safe to go home," I said. What a lousy excuse! Why do I even have to make up excuses?! Why am I still even talking to him? Someone could be recording this call and threaten me again.
"Ohh," was all he said. He ate in silence. I just watched him eat, thinking about why people have to take him away from me. I'm also contemplating whether I should tell him now about what happened. Does he have to know? Maybe I can just disappear from his life like I never existed. My head started feeling heavy from all the thinking. I just need to digest what happened first, and try to think of a solution by myself. Kurt's in too much pressure already, I don't need to bother him with another one. But my life is in threat because of him, so he needs to know right?! Maybe he could think of a solution?
No matter what side I look at, I could only see one ending here - Kurt and I apart.
"What's your plan for today?"
"Huh?"
"What are you going to do today?" He repeated his question for me.
"Practice for our surgery practical exam... here... with Andrei and Rex," I replied.
"I still have two weeks left here, I can't wait to go back there."
"Hm," I answered with a blank face.
"Raya, what's wrong?" He finally asked me, putting his spoon and fork down.
"Nothing's wrong, Kurt. I'm just sleepy. Let me sleep some more," I told him, annoyed. Well, I really do need to sleep some more. It's only 7am and it's a free day.
It took a few seconds before he answered, "O-okay." He ended the call and I went back to sleep.
***
Andrei woke me up at 9am to eat breakfast. We had our food delivered and ate with Rex. We practiced suturing and hand tying after. Andrei wanted to study right after but Rex and I insisted we watch a movie instead.
My mind was pre-occupied the entire day until Andrei walked me home.
We were at the elevator of his building when he asked, "What are you gonna do now, Raya?" He was leaning on the wall, facing me.
"What should I do, Andrei?" I answered looking helpless and miserable. "I was just a normal medical student living a normal life, and then somebody threatens to kill me."
The elevator opened at the lobby, so we went out. Andrei opened the door for me and the breeze from the bay brushed my hair.
"You should have known you're not going to live a normal life anymore when you involved yourself with him," Andrei said.
I should have known. Maybe I took befriending a celebrity too lightly that I did not think about the consequences. Maybe I was just too busy with junior internship that I had no time to care about it. Looking back, I realized that I have been receiving threatening messages, usually ending with an 'or else', but I never took them seriously.
"I never knew it would get to this extent. His fans are over the top," I sighed deeply.
"Anyway, I think you should tell him," he said.
"You think so?"
"Unless you can bear to just disappear from his life, or to just erase him from your life."
My pace slowed down. Can I really do that? He just suddenly appeared in my life anyway. Maybe he can suddenly disappear too.
"You know, celebrities constantly receive threats too. If you tell him, you can work it out together," he explained.
Andrei has a point. Kurt is a special friend to me. It would be inappropriate to leave him out of this problem and never talk to him without an explanation. He does not deserve that. Moreover, we can deal with it together. If he thinks it's best that we stay away from each other, then we do that.
We entered my building and Andrei waited for the elevator with me. "I can manage from here, Andrei."
"I'll see you until you go in your unit. We can't take chances," he said, pushing me forward to the open elevator with his hands on my shoulders.
"Thank you so much, Andrei," I side hugged him. "Really, I wouldn't know what to do if not for you."
He gave me a reassuring smile. The rest of the elevator ride was silent. He really did walk me to my unit. I told him to take care on his way home and to message me when he get there. Andrei's life could also be in danger now and I can't afford to let anything bad happen to him because of me.
The rest of the day went by. I took a shower, read some more for my exam, ate dinner, then slept. I took my mind off the problem for a while as I refuse to let it consume me.
***
The next day, Andrei fetched me at my building and went to the hospital with me. I felt really bad that he goes out of his way to do this for me. I feel like such an inconvenience to him. This can't go on for very long.
It was a toxic day for us on duty. Patients kept coming in the emergency room and we have been taking turns in scrubbing in for operations. We also had to squeeze in the exit written and practical exams.
It's near midnight and I'm waiting at the operating room for the surgeon. I'm scrubbing in for the third time this duty and I haven't even eaten anything since this morning. I opened my phone to check for messages.
The latest one is from Kurt, asking me to choose a photo. I feel too tired to even think about which photo looks better. I closed the message and scanned other messages. Seems like there are no other urgent matters. I closed and kept my phone immediately as the surgeon arrived already.
***
Last duty has got to be our most toxic surgery duty yet. My last operation where I scrubbed in took eight hours. By the time I got out of the operating room, it's been more than 24 hours that I had no water and food intake. I don't know how I survived that day. When I went back to the ward, our group had to finish tasks so I still was not able to drink or eat. By lunch, I had the chance to drink some water. We went home later than usual since we had to complete our carry outs before endorsing to the duty team. Basically, I died when I got home. I was still not able to eat. My body needed sleep more than food.
When I woke up this morning, I did not feel any hunger but I knew I needed to eat to replenish my energy. Andrei and I hurriedly ate at a fastfood chain, then he drove to the hospital.
The surgery out patient department was packed with patients. I interviewed and checked and referred patients one after another. Again, we had no time for lunch. But at least I get to drink water in between seeing patients. When we finished checking up patients, we went up to the ward and helped our colleague finish carry outs. Again, we went home later than usual. We have no other wish but to have a benign duty after the last one.
Although it's late, I made sure I ate dinner tonight. Andrei and I bought cooked food at the mall and went to eat separately at our own units.
I checked my messenger to see if Kurt is online. When I opened our conversation, it showed that I missed a call from him this morning. It was a busy day so I did not notice him calling. I can call him now but he's most probably at work already. I opted to just leave him a message. I remembered that this app has a secret conversation tool where we could chat in an encrypted space which no one else, not even the creators, is able to view. Maybe this is a safer space for us to talk.
I typed my message.
'Hi! Sorry, been busy these days. Let's talk soon. Let's use this secret conversation from now on.'
I finished my meal without receiving a reply from him. Well we don't really normally talk to each other when we're at work, especially Kurt. He has to be extra careful when he opens his phone because there are paparazzis everywhere. Even overseas, he has fans who follow him wherever he goes - from airports to areas where he does recordings. They take note of Kurt's outfit from head to toe and even his phone's case. Their eyes are so sharp that they can even figure out Kurt's phone wallpaper or lockscreen. For that, he does not really open his phone in public.
I took a bath after eating and then went to bed.
The next day, I woke up to my phone ringing. I answered it half asleep when I saw it was Kurt.
"What's up?" I asked. I opened my eyes and checked the time - 6:30am, 30 minutes before our call time. "Oh shit! Sorry Kurt I'm running late," I said then ended the call. I instantly got out of bed and took a shower. I had a really good sleep, hence my body must have disregarded my alarm. Right after my bath, I changed into my uniform and grabbed my bag. I can't be late; moreover, Andrei can't be late because of me. It took me 15 minutes to do everything until I got into Andrei's car.
"I'm really sorry," I said as soon as I got in, while securing my seatbelt.
"It's alright. We'll just be right on time," Andrei reassured me.
"Andrei, you don't have to do this. I mean, you don't have to fetch and drop me off everyday," I told him. I got really guilty this morning for waking up late.
It's fine, Raya. I have a car anyway. Also, we have the same schedule so it's not much of a hassle for me," he said. He's such a nice person and I don't know how I will be able to repay his kindness. "I'm not driving for you forever anyway; only until you solve this problem and we're sure you're safe."
"I haven't had the chance to tell Kurt," I said almost in a whisper.
"What?"
"We've been really toxic these days, you know," I reminded him.
"But have you received any more threats lately?"
"I don't really read messages. Maybe she'll just suddenly appear in front of me again."
"Raya, you have to check your messages and track them, okay? Save screenshots and make sure you have a back up. If this advances into a legal case, you'll need those stuff."
Andrei's right. I rested my head on my hand which is propped by the car's window. This is a serious matter that I cannot take lightly. Sooner or later, I have to deal with it so that nobody gets hurt.
***
I've been in the hospital for 30 hours now and I'm eating for the first time. Our shift was over five hours ago, but our work is not yet done. We still have to attend to our patients in the ward. We're taking turns in eating lunch. I was in the middle of my meal when Kurt messaged me. It's kind of unexpected since I know that he's supposed to be sleeping by now.
Using the secret conversation, he sent me a photo and said 'Is this why you haven't got the time to talk to me lately?'
I was surprised by the picture he sent - it's me and Andrei at Saint street, hugging. It was that night. The suspect did not leave without getting something from me. I don't know how it got to Kurt.
I decided to just call Kurt and tell him about it already. No, not right now because I'm at work and we only allotted a few minutes for each of us to eat. I'll tell him soon. Just when I was about to click call, he was already calling me.
"Hello?" I answered right away. "Why are you still awake?"
"I can't sleep," he answered.
There was awkward silence between us. Do I have to ask why? Okay fine, let's just ask him that. "Why?"
"We haven't been talking and then I saw that photo."
"We don't really talk everyday even before you went abroad, right? You know I'm on 36-hour duty every 2 days," I explained.
"I know, I know. I think I just feel home sick," he replied. "What's up about your picture hugging in public?"
I did not like his question. I don't see anything wrong about hugging a friend in public. We're not public figures anyway; we can do whatever we want as long as we'e not hurting other people.
"Code! Code!" Somebody shouted from the hallway. It means we have to resuscitate a patient to save him from death. I have to go help them.
"Sorry, Kurt. I have to go," I told him then hurriedly put my phone in my pocket and ran out.
***
The 36-hour duty was finally over and my body and mind feel tired as ever. I'm finally eating dinner with Karla and Christine after a few weeks of not seeing each other despite working in the same hospital and living in the same unit.
"What the duck," Christine suddenly blurted out while looking at something from her phone.
Karla looked at Christine's phone then they looked at me. Oh no. Not again. Please let it be not about me.
"What?" I said raising one eyebrow.
Christine showed her phone to me and it showed a photo of me and Andrei hugging. it's the same photo Kurt sent me earlier. It's about me.. again. Of course. When will this ever end?
"It's all over twitter," Christine said.
"Are you and Andrei...." Karla asked, using her pointer and middle finger to motion 'together'.
"No!" I answered a little louder than my previous volume. "Something just happened that night."
"What happened?" Christine asked.
I can't tell them yet. I have to tell Kurt first. I ignored her question by busying myself with the food.
"Tell us what happened!" Christine shouted while shaking me.
"I can't tell you yet but I promise I'll tell you when I can," I answered. "Trust me, you don't need to know right now."
"Fine," Christine said as she leaned back on her chair. She went back to scrolling through her phone. "Hey, people are assuming Kurt's brokenhearted because of the photo. He has not posted on instagram yet and he usually posts twice a week. This week, nada! So their theory is you cheated on Kurt."
Wow, people are so quick to assume. And they even call me a cheater now. Kurt has not posted on instagram and they blame it on me? Wait, Kurt has not posted this week. Is it because I haven't chosen a photo from the ones he sent me last weekend?
I opened my phone and looked for the photos he sent me last. I saved the photo I chose so I can send it to him through our secret conversation.
'About last time, when you asked me to choose.. I like this better.' I sent it with the photo.
Then, I closed the conversation. I searched for Andrei's chat box after to say sorry for dragging him into the mess.
"Is Andrei's name revealed?" I asked them.
"No. Fortunately nobody's spilling his name," Christine said. "You know what your faces are kind of blurred, you can easily deny this is you."
They looked at the photo again closely. I typed a message for Andrei.
'Yo. I'm sorry you're on twitter. I'm really really sorry you have to be dragged into this whole thing. :'( '
I put my phone down and continued eating.
"Hey! Kurt posted on instagram!" Christine exclaimed.
"Let me see," again, I have to borrow Christine's phone because I have no instagram account. She handed my her phone and I looked at the photo. It's the one I chose and sent earlier. Turns out, all this time, he was just waiting for me to choose. So it was my fault after all. I gave the phone back to Christine.
***
The next day, I woke up early so I could talk to Kurt before he sleeps.
'Tell me when you get home so I can call you.'
A few seconds after I sent it, he called me. I answered it with video.
"Hey," I greeted him.
"Hey," he answered back.
"I need to tell you something because I thought you should know. But you don't have to worry, okay? You don't really have to do anything."
"What's that?"
"That picture of me and Andrei, something actually happened that night. He was comforting me that's why he hugged me."
His mood changed, with his eyebrows furrowed.
"I was on my way home after studying out all day in the coffee shop. You might remember, it's that day when Kaye uploaded her vlog. So I was walking when I noticed somebody was following me. I turned to a street as I did not want to let her know where I live and just to confirm if I'm really being followed. When we got to a quiet street where there were no other people, she -"
"She?" Kurt asked.
"Yes. She stood behind me while pulling my hair and aiming an ice pick at my side body."
"What?!" He stood from his laying position in his bed.
"Yes," I started tearing up as the memory is still fresh in my mind. I fought my tears but I sniffed. "But before she approached me, I was able to text Andrei my location and I called him so he could hear what's happening," a tear fell down my cheek. "Sorry, I'm shaking." I collected myself before continuing. "I could not move because the ice pick was really close to my body and my -"
"What did she want?"
"She wants me to stay away from you," I told him.
"Fuck it, " he brushed his hand through his hair and he started walking back and forth.
"She told me she knows everything about me - my schedule, my friends and my family. And that she's not alone. Many eyes are on me so I can't hide."
His other hand was on his waist as he walks back and forth.
"Then, Andrei came. She ran away."
"Why did you only tell me now, Raya?" He asked me frustrated.
"Because! Because I've been busy and the time difference between us has been frustrating," I explained. "I go home tired, and I have to wake up early and hurry to the hospital to start another cycle. When I'm free, I know you're at work. I had no chance to tell you."
He thought for a while then he sat down. "Okay. I'm sorry, Raya, I did not know that happened. And thank you for telling me now. We'll figure this out, okay?"
I nodded my head while wiping my face.
"Did she message you before that incident?" He asked.
"No."
"How about after?"
"No."
"An anonymous account messaged me directly on twitter your photo with Andrei, that's why I had it before it spread on twitter. I'll have that account tracked. She might be the same person who threatened you," he said. "Check your unopened messages, we might get a clue from there as well. Also, take a screenshot of all threatening messages. When you receive a new one, inform me right away. I have a friend, who works for celebrities, and hacks phones and computers. We'll track the suspect."
"Okay."
"Also, don't go out by yourself. Always have a companion."
"I go to and from the hospital with Andrei," I said then blew through my nose with a tissue.
"Okay," he replied. He thought for another while. "Inform your closest friends and family so that they can protect themselves and they will be observant of your surroundings."
"Okay."
"Is it okay if you don't study out for the meantime?"
"Yes, yes. The major exams were over anyway."
"Good."
We were silent for a moment.
"Raya, I think she's just a fan threatening you. These people won't really go to the extent of killing someone. They are just threatening you, okay? So if you let them think you're weak, they will take advantage of it. We'll be extra careful from now on, but we'll not give them what they want. I really appreciate you telling me this and I assure you we'll catch her whoever she is."
"Alright."
We continued talking for a while about how his day went and about how people are assuming he's brokenhearted. I was relieved that I finally told Kurt about it and his words really put me at ease.
I guess I have to let go of my carefree life for a while, but definitely not forever. Like what Andrei said, I should have known the consequences when I got involved with a celebrity. I'm already here, for what its worth, I'm going to face the consequences.