"How about this?" Karla started again. We've been asking each other questions for our exit exam in our respective departments. She's having her internal medicine exit exam, while I have surgery exit exam. "What's the most common indication for emergent operation of colorectal disease?"
"Hhmmm.. hemorrhage?"
"Right," she responded then went back to her readings. We usually do this when we study together because we think it works for us. Luckily, I have a weekend off before my exam so I can prepare for it.
"Have you prepared for your practical exam?" She asked me.
"Hand tying and suturing? I'll practice tomorrow with Andrei," I answered while taking a sip of my coffee. Leaving Surgery gives a bittersweet feeling - it's really tiring but high yield. By high yield, I mean I learned so many theoretical and practical skills. Would I consider becoming a surgeon someday? I'm not erasing the possibility but it's not on top of my list.
KDG_1220 calling
I was startled by the sound of my phone from Kurt's videocall request. I got my headphones from my bag and wore it. I tapped accept and angled the phone so that it shows my face.
"What's up?" I asked.
"I just got home from taping," he said while taking off his jacket then his shoes. "I just called to make sure you're awake and studying."
"Thanks. I'm at the coffee shop already," I said, rotating my phone so I can show the place to him.
"Eh? You're not wearing a jacket? It's not cold there?"
"Not really. But I brought one just in case," I said raising my jacket to show him.
"Why don't you wear my hoodie? Don't tell me you haven't washed it since? Raya, if you're not washing it so that my smell will stay... you can just smell me when I get back there."
"You're gross, Kurt!" I made a disgusted face. "I made a mental note not to wear your hoodie in public. Your fans have a twitter account just for the clothes you wear. I'm afraid they might know it's yours," I explained, making sure sure my voice is modulated so I won't disturb other people who are also studying.
"Alright, alright," he flashed a smile that could have given his fans heart attack. "I'll just eat and take a shower," he said while grabbing a towel. "Call 'ya later." He ended the call.
I put my phone back on the table as I removed the ear plugs.
"Hey," Karla called my attention. "You've been calling each other everyday. What's the real score?"
I was surprised by her question. It's the first time someone asked me about this with a serious intention. I mean others, specifically Rex, have been teasing me but when it's Karla who asked me, I just know we're in for a serious talk. "Huh?"
"Huh?" Karla immitated me but a little exaggerated.
"We're not talking everyday."
"Whatever," she rolled her eyes at me. "Fine. You call each other on your free time."
"And so?" I understand where she's getting at, but I just want to play dumb to dodge the question. It's true that we've been in touch more frequently than before and more than friends do. We've set each other as alarms so we won't be late for our work. When we're both free, I eat my dinner with him, and he eats breakfast with me. I see his pictures first before he posts them online for the world to see. I send him selfies or my photos while doing procedures.
"Okay. I'll shut up now. I just thought we're close enough for you to update me about your love life," Karla looked really hurt. She went back to her readings and avoided my gaze.
"It's because there's nothing to tell. What you see and hear... that's all about it," I explained. I felt bad that we don't get to talk about these stuff anymore because we're too busy. She looked at me with pouted lips. I laughed because she looked too cute. "I think we're enjoying each other's company."
"Never mind. I'm just jealous that you spend most of your 'awake' free time with him. We don't even get to talk about our hospital experiences anymore."
So that's the real deal. I felt even worse because I did not realize that I have been neglecting my friends in the process. I took a spoonful of the cake I'm eating and offered it to Karla. "I'm sorry. I'll try to make it up to you, okay?"
She smiled and opened her mouth as she took the cake in. "No pressure. What I wanted to say is that if you need someone to talk to, I'm just here, okay?"
I smiled back as I put the spoon down. I am so thankful for this low maintenance friendship with Karla. We've been friends since college and however long we don't see each other, it's like we were never apart once we're together again.
Karla started putting her stuff into her bag. "My groupmates are at the meet up place already."
"You're leaving me?" I faked crying.
"Shut up, Raya." We laughed. She just stayed with me in this coffee shop while waiting for her groupmates. I was going to really study alone for the day. "Bye."
"Bye," I said while waving goodbye.
I am pretty lucky to have my friends. I would have not survived medical school without them. They are mature individuals and we always support each other.
I went back to my readings, determined to finish everything today. I don't need to spend too much time into the details, just review the general points.
I was chewing the last part of my cake when KDG_1220 started calling. I wore the headphones again before answering the video call.
"Kaye uploaded the vlog," he annouced. I almost choked on the cake.
My eyes widened and my heart started beating faster. "Wait, I need to watch it." I said as I got my iPad from my bag and settled it in front of me. "Did you watch it before she uploaded?"
"No! The kid was too stubborn. She said she has no time to edit anymore in case I have comments so she opted to upload it directly," he looked flabbergated as well.
"What?!" I got nervous. I'm not sure if my answers to the questions came out well. These days, people on social media are too critical of the things posted online.
"I've watched it already. Don't worry. It looked fine. It was funny and informative," his mood suddenly changed.
I opened youtube and loaded Kaye's channel. Thankfully, the internet in this coffee shop serves us well. There it is. My face on her video thumbnail.
"I feel embarrassed already, Kurt," I told him before clicking the video. "Wait. I'll just watch it."
I transferred my headphones from my phone to my iPad. I gathered my courage to watch myself and clicked it. It started with snippets of the interview. Then, Kaye's intro video came. Her intro video is actually really good, like it was made by some professional creators.
The video took 18 minutes long and it was good. There was no dead air since the editing was on point. We sounded spontaneous.. well, it was a spontaneous question and answer after all. However, I still find it awkward to watch myself talking. It was posted two hours ago with around 90,000 views already.
I removed the head phones from my iPad and plugged it back to my phone. I put my iPad back into my bag.
"Done?" Kurt is now munching on an apple.
"Yup," I replied.
"It's good, right?" He asked.
"Yes! It's surprisingly good. I did not know Kaye has such awesome editing skills."
"You looked good in the video," he said then took a bite on the apple.
"What do you mean I looked good?" I rolled my eyes. I'm not used to people giving me compliments. I find it awkward when someone does because l feel like they're only joking on me. Generally, I don't know how to respond when a person gives me a compliment. As for Kurt, he'd always been nice to me, saying stuff like 'You don't look like you're from duty', or 'that dress looks nice on you', or 'you don't need make up', or 'you're so smart'. But the receiving end here is still not used to it.
"Aside from the physical... you know, beauty, which is a given," he started. I shook my head in disbelief. "You looked and sounded professional, sincere, comfortable.. a little bit shy but confident."
"Wow so you're an analyst now, huh?" I joked.
He laughed at my choice of word. Analyst. Where did that even come from?!
"Seriously -"
"Seriously your face," I teased him more. I know he just wants to comfort me and put me at ease since I've been bothered by this vlog for a long time now. But I just can't take it when he gives me compliments. I pretended to read and write notes.
"Did you even read the comments, huh?" He asked.
I stopped reading and looked at him. "What's on the comment section, sir?"
"Okay. Let me read them for you," he navigated through his phone. I went back to my readings. "Most comments are from aspiring medical students so they are asking for tips. Kaye will take care of that. As for other comments... here's one saying 'Raya Valdez looks fresh and simple yet sophisticated," he turned his gaze on me.
Wait, when did I stop reading and watched him read the comment. I hurriedly moved my eyes back to my readings and pretended nothing happened.
"I feel like I want to pursue medicine already because of these two," he continued reading. "I'm also a med student but I don't look as fresh as Raya and Kaye. Skin care routine on your next vlog please," Kurt read the last sentence in a female-like voice which made me laugh. "Petition to make Raya Valdez have her own vlog," he read.
Never in this lifetime will I have the guts to do that. I shook my head slowly while smiling to myself.
"Why is it that the more I look at her, the more she looks beautiful?"
That comment caught my attention which made me look at Kurt. To my surprise, he was already looking at me too, waiting for my reaction. I laughed silently and drank coffee. "Stop reading nice comments. I'm pretty sure you're skipping the harsh comments."
"I'm actually searching but I can't find any," he pretended to look for one by scrolling through his phone in an exaggerated manner.
"You should go to sleep," I said while while trying to look busy by reading.
"Actually," he said, then yawned. "Bye. Call 'ya tom."
"Good night," I smiled at him before ending the call.
I tried to focus myself on my readings and stop thinking about the vlog. I don't really care about people's comments anymore. It's already there, I can't do anything about it. I turned my phone's internet settings off to concentrate.
***
I managed to finish half of my goals for the day when I finally gave in to the temptation of going online again just to see what is up with the universe.
Two seconds passed before my phone was flooded by messages. The notifications were coming in too fast that only two words registered in my brain - trending and vlog. I waited for my phone to finish notifying me about it while I buried my face in my hands. I let out a sign of frustration. Why do people have to talk about me again?!
I finally opened my messenger app and the latest was from Christine. I opened her message first.
Her latest message says: Hey!! Are you not going online?? You are all over twitterverse again!!
Before that, her message was: hellooo?! Popular kid?? I repeat you are trending!!!
She basically sent about ten messages like that informing me I'm trending. She could have just called me offline if she really wanted me to go check it already.
Rex: Raya, introduce me to Kaye please. I'll be good to you starting now, just do me this favor.
I laughed at Rex's message and replied, "Kaye's taken," with a smirking emoji.
Several other people I know of also messaged me to inform me that they saw me trending on twitter. Others messaged me to tell me that I did good in the vlog and that they can totally relate to my answers. Some told me to make my own vlog already. Then there are those messages from people I don't personally know. I told myself I'm not going to waste my time reading comments about me anymore but here I am reading messages.
'Is this the real Raya Valdez? If you are, I just want you to know that I'm a fan.'
'Hi, I'm also a medical student and I watched your vlog. I've known you since college because we were classmates in one subject for a semester. I'm not sure if you can remember me. But I'd really like to know you more. :)'
I remember his face but I only got to know his name now since we don't really check the attendace back in college. I want to reply to his message so I won't seem to be impolite. We're schoolmates in the past anyway. But I don't know what to say without leading him on. What does he mean by he wants to know me more anyway? I chose to close his message for the meantime and ask my friends later for advice.
'Please stop ruining KurtLexi. Kurt is only for Lexi. They were made for each other. Stay away from him.'
Wait, what does the vlog have to do with Kurt and Lexi? The muscles on my face tensed up. This is what I was afraid about - people looking into the vlog too much and bringing up me and Kurt.
'Stop using Kaye to get into Kurt's pants.'
Woah there. Some people just has to go really personal about this.
'Your vlog is full of pretense. It's obvious you're trying to look pure and innocent to get people's attention. You don't even look good so stop competing with Lexi.'
Okay, that's it. I'll stop reading messages because these people are not worth my time. I've had enough bad vibes for the day. I can't believe people I don't even know personally are affecting me like this. I just hate it when poeple talk about someone they have never met or talked to. I turned my phone's internet settings off again to shut myself from the online world. I'll get to finish my readings this time since I don't have motivation to check back online anytime soon.
***
I was into my readings too much that when I kooked back up, it was dark outside. The turn of events today pushed me into productivity. I stretched my arms and legs before fixing my stuff into my bag. I looked at my watch and it's already 10pm. I removed my hoodie before I headed outside. I decided to shower and go straight to bed when I get home and not set an alarm since it's a free day tomorrow.
I wore my backpack and walked out of the coffeeshop. The cool breeze of February night brushed through my face. It seems like a good night to walk instead of riding a cab. I took a step out the door and closed it behind me.
Although it's 10 in the evening, the city's still awake. Establishments are just closing and people are only about to go home to their families. Many are still stuck in traffic. 24/7 cofee shops are very much alive with students doing all-nighters. I've been living in this place for almost eight years now so it feels like home to me. I know every corner here; I know where shortcuts are. I know what places to avoid when. Although it's chaotic on rush hour, I've come to love this city. It's tough love though.
Since I'm in the mood and not in a hurry to get home, I walked past the street that will bring me faster to my building. I took my time, like I'm strolling in the mall, listening to the vehicles driving past me. The thoughts that I've been trying to avoid made their way into my mind unwelcomed. What have I done for people to say those things about me. For sure, I'm getting a lot of beating from my sister and my mom once they find out I'm on the trending topics again. Last time, they went to my unit so we can have lunch together but it turned out they just wanted to scold me. They were asking why I have to involve myself with a celebrity when I knew it will turn out like this, but the thing was I didn't know he's a celebrity. They did not believe my story, instead reminded me to focus on getting my medical degree. They told me it's not proper for a doctor to get popular like that and that it will greatly affect my career in the future. Now I'm keeping my constant communication with Kurt a secret even from them.
Thinking about it now... if I had listened to them, would I be in a quieter place working for the degree and not minding what other people have to say about me? Is this worth all the harsh words being thrown at me and my dignity being trampled on? Am I even aware that I might be sacrificing my medical degree for this? This... what is 'this' anyway? What is this thing that I have with Kurt that made me disobey my mother? What's this thing we have that kept me doing things in secret? What is this thing that I actually want to protect?
I was too deep in my thoughts when I noticed I've been walking extra slow. I hurried my pace a bit since I'm in a kind of secluded area already. I looked around me to survey my surroundings, a thing that I've got used to do since I lived here. It's not a particularly safe city so I've learned to be careful and observant especially when walking at night. I shook the thought off my mind to focus on getting home safely.
I looked behind me and I saw a drunk couple walking while laughing and talking loudly. I wanted to tell them it's too early to be drunk. Of course I did not talk to them. I just walked faster so I can hug my pillow already.
I turned to the corner which brings me a few meters from my building. The laughter and voices of the couple sounded distant so maybe they went straight the other street. I continued my pace, looking ahead. I'm not on the main street anymore which means that fewer cars and people are here. It's also when I walk even faster to reach my building. Tonight feels weird, though. I feel like there are eyes looking at me. The hair at the back of my neck stood when a sudden strong wind came. I tried to shake away those thoughts as it may just be my subconscious reminding me I'm trending on twitter. My heart started beating harder and faster. I feel like I am being followed.