J H O P E
Namjoon had stuck with the violin for a while and he was getting better. It seemed to be a good distraction for him, he did better at work some days he didn't even need the music.
But some of that progress was lost when Namjoon misplaced his stuffed bunny. I don't think I would ever forget it.
I had been sleeping, Namjoon barged into my room looking completely distressed.
"Where is it?" He nearly yelled.
I was scared for a minute, totally unaware of what Namjoon was capable of when like this.
"Where's what?" I flicked on my lamp and sat up in my bed, forcing myself to wake up.
"The bunny! It's gone, I-I don't know where it is."
"Calm down, I'm sure we'll find it alright?" I said quickly getting up.
He looked ready to kill someone, "I can't just calm down. You don't get it."
I knew I probably shouldn't have but I got up and put my hands on his shoulders, I thought he was going to punch me but he took a deep breath, "Calm down. I'll help you find it but you need to take a few deep breaths."
He was still for a minute before he took a few deep calming breaths.
I released him and asked him a few questions in the calmest voice I could manage, "When was the last time you had it?"
"My uniform. I took it off to shower and I thought I grabbed it but maybe I didn't."
I nodded, "So did you check the hamper?"
"I took laundry down last night." He admitted regrettably.
"Then lets go down and get it." I said, sliding on a pair of pants and leading him down to the laundry. There was a room on every floor for laundry, there are workers there that clean the clothes for you though.
There were a few ladies and men working in there. I spotted our basket which was held by one of the workers. I walked up to her before she could put the clothes in the dryer.
"Excuse me miss. My roommate misplaced a stuffed bunny, did you happen to see it in the laundry?"
She glanced up at me and thought for a minute before nodding, "Yes actually," she pulled out the stuffed bunny from one of her pockets. Namjoon stepped up and nearly ripped it out of her hands. I apologized for him and thanked her before following Namjoon out of the room and back to ours.
Namjoon had calmed down a lot when we got back to our room but he went straight to his room without saying anything. This concerned me a bit, I contemplated calling his therapist but figured it was probably to late for that. I'd have to help him on my own.
I knocked on his door and in the kindest voice I could manage, said, "You okay?"
No response.
I still didn't know the significance of his stuffed bunny but I knew it was important enough to mess him up like this.
'Namjoon , talk to me."
Still nothing.
"I'm coming in." I finally decided, he was starting to worry me.
I turned the handle and tried to open the door but it wouldn't budge, he had blocked the door with something.
"Namjoon," I said in a calm voice even though I was starting to panic, "Please open the door." He had made so much progress, he was starting to open up to me and now he had completely shut himself off.
I had no idea what he was doing but I feared the worst. I leaned again the door to see if I could hear anything but there was nothing.
"Everything is okay, I just need you to open the door," I said gently even though my heart was pounding in my chest.
What was I thinking? I should have just called the therapist, I had no idea what I was doing.
But I visibly relaxed when I heard the door being opened.
Namjoon revealed himelf, his cheeks wet with tears. The stuffed bunny clutched tightly in his hands. I let out a sigh of relief once I checked over him to make sure he hadn't hurt himself.
He surprised me when he wrapped his arms around me and buried his face in my neck. I cautiously wrapped my arms around him and gently rubbed his back, fearful I would scare him away.
I don't know how long we stayed like that but eventually Namjoon spoke up, "It was my sister's."
It took me a minute to realize he was talking about the bunny. I knew there was a lot more to the story but I wasn't going to push for it, he could tell me when he was ready. I wanted to ask if it was the grave we visited a while back but I didn't want to push him.
I didn't know he had been crying until I felt his body shake with a sob and I held him tighter, desperate to help him, calm him.
He gripped onto my shirt and sobbed for a while. But I didn't mind, I could tell he needed it.
"She's gone now," he told me when he got his sobs under control, "It's been so long now but it hurts like it was yesterday."
I tried not to show my surprised at how he was opening up to me, "I'm sorry. Do you want to tell me about her?"
I didn't really know what to expect but when I felt him nod I knew I hadn't made a mistake by asking.
He pulled away and sat on the couch, I sat beside him an waited.
"She was beautiful and kind. The purest in the whole world, Jhope ," he was looking at the stuffed bunny in his lap, "She didn't deserve to die that day."
I looked at him and my heart sank, he was so distraught, the emotion in his eyes said it all.
"But I did," he sighed.
"No you didn't. You're here for a reason, Namjoon. Maybe you don't see it but I do," I tried to reassure him. He meant so much to me now and I didn't really realize it until this moment when he was talking so badly about himself.
"I wasn't fast enough. Or strong enough. It's all my fault," he looked up at me now.
I was scared this was now going into a direction that I feared, "Shh don't say that, it wasn't your fault." I didn't even know the full story but I knew Namjoon was beating himself up over this. I should have just waited until he was ready to tell me all of this, not ask.
"I shouldn't have asked. I'm sorry," I apologized, wishing I could have taken it all back.
He was silent and I feared I had messed everything up, "Let's go back to bed, okay?"
"Okay," he got up and walked back to his room.
I made sure he got back in bed before I spoke, "Come get me if you need me."
He looked at me and nodded, "Thank you."
"Any time," I offered a smile.
I went back into my room but couldn't sleep, I was scared Namjoon would do something. So I read and listened closely.