Chereads / Balance or Destruction / Chapter 14 - Ch. 14: Should There Be This Much?

Chapter 14 - Ch. 14: Should There Be This Much?

Shaddoc stood from the table and went after the Kid as I was finishing the last meal that was in front of me. The alcohol had already gotten to me and it seemed like I wasn't the only one.

"My whole life was dedicated to the Jedi Order. It was the only family I had or knew. I have no memories of where I was before. We are the culmination of our past yes but, I feel I am better not knowing that past. And now you want me to question that decision if I am to train Drazad, throw away the most basic principle of belief I've held for over thirty years."

"Look where that thirty years has led you and every other Jedi in the galaxy. Dead. Slaughtered. Butchered. Betrayed by the very government you stood to protect. If you will not start to see that you were brainwashed, then even if you do manage to rebuild the Jedi Order everything will just happen all over again down the road. It doesn't matter how wise you are 'Master Jedi', you are in need of a wake up call with those rules you follow," I hoped what I said cut her deep.

The Captain stood up then and turned to leave.

"Do you agree with him Captain Ilawatizo?"

I didn't have to see her face to hear the yearning approval in her voice. That the Jedi Order actually stood for something and was infallible.

"I can't fully agree with him. At one point in my life my parents were saved by Jedi who were being held by a would-be rebellion who thought we were holding back on food and other basic supplies. After they were rescued my parents showed what had been going on, the food had been poisoned by the Pike Gang to make the people addicted to Spice and then future customers. My parents caught wind of it when children in day-cares started to show the symptoms first. In the end, a peace was made and the Jedi left to report the matter to the Senate, but it took them 4 months to come to a decision to let our neighboring systems provide aid. Two weeks after the Jedi left though the Pikes invaded the planet and starved us, only allowing the tainted food to be distributed. My family barricaded themselves along with others with untainted food to hold out against the now Spice addicted population and the gang. We luckily survived but when the Jedi returned and we asked them why they left in the first place and didn't stay when they knew the Pike gang was going to come back, their response was that they had to report the matter back to their Counsel and to the Senate so they could decide on what to do. They were sorry that so many had to starve and die but their hands were tied and they couldn't do anything, then they said something about the dead joining the Living Force now and we should not mourn for the loss. But how can you say that to children who can no longer see their parents, to whole families who killed each other over more food laced with Spice? To parents who now have to live with themselves knowing they chose their addiction over their starving kids? What does the Force matter when you no longer actually help the people it's supposed to be connected to?"

"But Jedi do help them! We have always helped people!"

Before my anger at her words could escape my mouth Ilawatizo answered for me.

"I know two people here that would say otherwise. Ones a person you kidnapped without evidence. The other you left his friends and only family behind to continue being slaves."

I felt a hand rest on my shoulder and my body just sagged in defeat. With all that I had done and the confidence in what I knew I could do, it was an indescribable feeling having someone voice a defensive argument for me. The hand gave me a soft squeeze and then she walked away.

The two of us were quiet for some time until Wamo stood and left as well. I didn't watch her leave but as soon as I heard a door shut I asked the cook a question.

"Do you normally have guests as chaotic as this?"

The man didn't say a word as he kept his back towards me.

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"Drazad! Drazad!"

"What do you want Shaddoc? Are you going to scold me for having attachments still? For not calling you Master? For not letting go of my past?"

I approached my room door and his hand clamped firmly on my shoulder.

"I mearly want to make sure you are okay, and to show you something, if you'll let me."

"What could you possibly show me right now that could change what I've already said!?"

My body was shaking and I had only noticed it when he grabbed my shoulder. I could feel my nails digging into my palms and I'd probably draw blood but reliving that time, as I told it to them was still haunting. The few months aboard the Royal Siren and learning the Force didn't dull the memories at all.

"Nothing. There's nothing I could show you that would make you forget your past. But I want to show you apart of my past."

That shocked me and I turned to look at him. The man I saw was, older, older than when I saw him on the ship. The last week or so of events had taken their toll on him and I could really see it now.

"I thought Jedi weren't supposed to have attachments to their past?"

"They aren't, attachments are forbidden by the Order. But I rationalized it as making sure I remembered I became a Jedi to help people, as my Master did. Come."

He turned and started to another room without even looking to see if I followed. The better part of me shouted to not follow and curse him as he walked away. But I still had that curiosity. Everything they've told about the Jedi was in complete contradiction from his words and it seemed like that part won out as I followed behind him.

We entered what I figured was his designated room and he crouched beneath the bed and pulled out a pillow case. He reached into it and pulled out a small leather pouch. He opened the neck of the pouch and turned it over and out slipped a stone.

"I have never told anyone about this, not even Ma—not even Contrillo. Before I was brought into the Jedi Order I lived in a tribe of pre-intergalactic traveling people. We had no clue what technology really was and thought it was magic, like fire. But the uniqueness we thought we had were these. The most basic way of describing them would be picture-stones and it was how we would hold onto our most precious memories. Now normally, I'd use a fire to do this, but ever since I joined the Jedi and constructed my own lightsaber I've been able to do it without resorting to that. Close the door and get the lights."

He didn't seem to notice I had stayed in the doorway, almost ready to flee as he grabbed his lightsaber from its resting place on a nightstand. I did as he asked as he kneeled down in the middle of the room and faced the wall. His lightsaber sprang to life which lit up the room again.

"Come, come. I'll show you."

He gestured to the space next to him and I warily made my way to it and kneeled as well. When he saw that I was ready he held up the stone to his light—

—and the whole wall was bathed in color! It looked like a kaleidoscope had exploded or shattered even though his saber was blue and I was taken aback by it.

"Now anyone can do this with a light, it's easy. But every family in my tribe had their own special way to engrave things, that way we could keep memories for only our family. This is how mine did theirs," he suddenly tilted the stone forty-five degrees to the right and then tilted it forward and the color suddenly shaped itself like a liquid into a portrait of a family.

"That's my parents, two older siblings, our pet, and myself. I was maybe 3 years old when my Master found my village, we had been going through a famine due to a harsh winter we had called Fülmingourd. Children would die in the night, families would be lost to the snow, the idea of joy and happiness had been snuffed out long before I was born, and then one day a light cut through the darkness. It was brighter than any fire we had seen, but no heat could be felt. When the ship had landed and my future Master along with Republic aides started setting up outer walls and bringing out food my tribe thought he was a God finally answering the prayers of those who were left. While he was passing around the supplies to everyone I can only assume he had felt I was Force Sensitive along with a few other children. He then somehow bargained to take us with him which all the families readily agreed to. It had been about two years later when the Republic finished setting up the necessary shelter from the elements for the next winter and we set off into the galaxy. They gave me this, and I kept it hidden ever since when I found out we were supposed to sever all attachments to our previous lives. I just couldn't give it up, but when the Jedi Order became my new family it felt easier to think I kept this around to stay connected to the Living Force."

"You've kept this with you the entire time? Since you joined the Order? And you told no one?"

"Yes, and no only you. And I hope you promise not to tell anyone either. If I want to share this, I will."

"Yeah, just between us. But why would you share this with me?"

He got a weird expression on his face for a moment and then he turned to me and held up his hand that grasped the stone. The only light in the room now was his lightsaber.

"I will not force you to learn to be a Jedi, and now I'm starting to see not everything about being a Jedi is as black and white as I thought it to be. What I do want, is to help you, as I was helped by my Master. I had forgotten the first lesson he ever taught me before he formally took me on as his apprentice which is, to do good for others because it is good not because it is an obligation. So if you'll let me, I'd like to teach you more about the Force and you can choose what kind of Jedi you want to be."

My head snapped back in disbelief, but as I looked at him I could tell he wasn't lying. This man really wanted to just help me and being honest that was a first in my life.

"Alright, so where do we go from here?"

He smiled and motioned for me to face him as he crossed his legs and I did as well. He let go of his lightsaber and it floated in the air which surprised me.

"This is a basic trick to use the Force with. You can think of it as Telekinesis, of a sorts."

"How does it work?"

"Well, as we've told you before the Force is all around us, it binds all living things. It lets us accomplish many things beyond what we are capable of. Such as, moving objects," here he slowly moved his lightsaber around the room. "So, close your eyes and use your feelings to reach out."

I did and breathed in and out like I was taught.

"Remember, the Force is still all around you, no matter where you are in the galaxy, no matter how alone you feel, and no matter what challenge you face."

It took me a while like the times before but I finally got a feeling of what he was talking about. I could sense the man in front of me—just barely—but he slowly became a beacon of green light. Next his lightsaber came into focus, or more accurately—

"Your lightsaber is alive!?"

This was news to me had snapped my focus. I didn't even think lightsabers were "living" in the sense of other sentient beings.

He smiled slightly. "Not in the way you think, which you probably figured out already. In every lightsaber there is a Kyber crystal, it is what gives them their color, their presence, and their life. Every Jedi makes a journey to make their own lightsaber out of what they think is important to them. But to start that journey you must find a crystal that chooses you."

"It, chooses me? How does that happen? Couldn't I just find any Kyber crystal and use it?"

"You could," here he tilted his head to the other side like scales. "But it won't be attuned to you. The crystal chooses the user Drazad, not the other way around. Every Jedi, from the Grandmaster of the Order to the newest Youngling is proficient in different aspects of the Force. Some lean more towards the Living Force and can sense beings from planets away while others can perceive future events and know what will come. Others can make complex machines out of simple scrap or rebuild an entire ship while blindfolded. The Force is not one-dimensional, it is it's own being like us and has many sides which some are better at using than others. The crystal is an enhancement of our connection to the Force and just having any random crystal to do that job will not do."

"So do I learn more about the Force and then find my crystal, or do I find my crystal and let it help me learn more about the Force?"

"The first step, is to know how to call upon the Force so you can know it's touch, it's presence, it's guidance. We started a little of this on our way to Gentes but didn't make much progress so we'll pick up from there. Now, close your eyes again and focus."

I nodded and did as he instructed.

"Now slowly breathe in, and slowly let it out. In….and out. Continue doing this as you focus on what is around you. Try to perceive it in your mind as you project your thoughts to touch everything and picture what's there. Feel my life force in front of you and that of the crystal between us. The current of air traveling around the room and being recycled by the filters."

"I'm guessing you're supposed to be a big green light?"

I heard him chuckle then, "If that's how you see me then yes. What about the lightsaber?"

I took another moment to focus on it. "It's more of a, soft green fire. Slightly crackling but mostly burning a soft glow."

"Can you touch?"

"I'm guessing you mean with the Force?"

"Yes,reach out and touch it like how I am, and then hold it."

I opened my eyes then. "What?"

He smiled slightly, "Hold the lightsaber."

He said it without any expectations or judgement. It didn't sound so much like a test but I guess a bar to see what kind of level I was at. I tried to do like he said but I could barely get past a general impression of what the room was supposed to be like and what he and the lightsaber kind of looked like.

"Here, let me show you what I mean," he then closed his eyes and I vaguely felt what he was doing, so I closed my eyes and concentrated again.

It was easier to feel his presence again and I could tell it was holding the lightsaber in the air. Grasping it like a hand, but holding it gently.

"Now, reach out like I'm doing. Feel the connection to the Kyber crystal and the lightsaber containing it, feel how I'm doing it."

I tried to do as he said and projected, I guess, what I thought to be a feeling of touch like he was. I didn't think anything was happening when suddenly I felt something brush up against my senses.

{Follow me}

It seemed to whisper words without saying anything. It seemed to pull without moving, to guide me without pointing. I felt a tiny string from myself slowly crawl forward and touch the space around me and then explode into a higher awareness that I didn't have before. The room became bathed in different shades of light and not light, I had it perfectly mapped out even though my eyes were closed. I could clearly see the both of us and his lightsaber, those two shining brighter than me but still distinctive in our own way. I could just barely tell that this new world could be extended out past the room but I finally had to take a breathe and it all came rushing down like a drain as it suddenly disappeared.

"Was that it? Was that what the Force feels like?"

Shaddoc smiled, "Yes, everyone perceives it slightly differently but we all know it's touch the same way. It's an entirely different world that we try to never close ourself off from because it would feel like cutting off your own arm. You've perceived the very basic part of it, the flow of the Force in this room but there's more. It connects the smallest of atoms and the largest of creatures together. We are just moving along it's currents and being one with it. Try again."

I did and tried to understand better this time, tried to feel that flow that he spoke of. A heartbeat that I hadn't noticed the times before gave me this impression that it really kept it all tied together like one organism. Everything that I noticed before subtly followed this steady rhythm outside of its own cadence, like a symphony that sounded chaotic but was actually a musical masterpiece. It calmed me, put me more at ease than I'd ever been.

"Now, do like I do and hold the lightsaber."

I didn't even question it this time. Didn't hesitate. The words I knew that came from Shaddoc felt like they were also said by me. One being, one sound, one voice. Without even realizing it I was holding the lightsaber now instead of him and I could hear it's own chorus in my mind.

"Congratulations, you have begun your training as a Jedi."

I opened my eyes and saw the proof. Unfortunately the room was completely dark now and my concentration slipped again. Shaddoc plucked it out of the air with his own hands before it struck the ground.

"I turned it off in case this happened but I am proud of you. It takes tremendous focus to hold an object up. You did it for a few seconds yes," he cut me off before I could say it. "But you still did it. With more practice you'll be able to accomplish it again and for a longer period of time. But for now, be happy that you have come this far in the months of your training. You have done amazing things Drazad."

I felt a tear fall down my face and wiped it away quickly. Getting praise was unusual.

"Thanks."

________________________________________________

-There is an enemy in the universe threatening our rule Lord Vader-

What's going on? Am I dreaming?

-What is they bidding my Master?-

Dreaming of someone else again? A robot this time?

-This individual represents the new disorder that is trying to fight against us. He represents the cracks that appeared when we failed to kill Obi-Wan Kenobi and Master Yoda. We must hunt them down and eradicate them in order to fully realize our dream of peace in the galaxy. Do you understand, my Apprentice?-

My eyes rolled opened and I was in the office again. This time a dark figure stood before the hooded man with a red lightsaber drawn. The figure towered over me and even though I wasn't physically there I still felt it's pressure like I was frozen to my core.

-He must be eradicated, swiftly and completely and then made an example of for all to see. No one can dare challenge us and think to get away with their lives-

-Where should I look first-

The robot voice came from the towering person, their breathing was so audible and rhythmic but it sent daggers into my skull every time I heard it.

-You will travel in the Outer Rim searching for rumors of this individual. Start on Kasshyyyk where the Wookiee are uprising with the help of a Jedi, so they say. Crush them and make sure this Jedi in hiding is dealt with, then you will go to-

The hooded man suddenly stopped talking. And that's when I noticed the creeping feeling of electricity in the air growing stronger.

-Is he here Master?-

-He is. I can't see him this time but his presence is unmistakable now. I don't know where you are in the galaxy but rest assured you will be found. Your power will be nothing compared to my Apprentice-

The robot turned around then and I saw it's face. Like something out of a nightmare, no eyes no expressions, just complete darkness. And then his power engulfed the room.

Things sounded like they were cracking and creaking from the strain. The window shattered in slow motion and the worst part was that I couldn't breathe anymore. I stared into this things face not knowing if it could see more or not but the terror I felt didn't care about that. My body started to feel like it was squeezed and only then was I pulled out of there.