Warning: self harm in this chapter. Please do not read if it may trigger you!
~~~~~~~
Ethan's POV (short)
I wake up and glance at the clock. 4:45am. I decided that I should go ahead and finish checking on the lead we already have. It should only take a week or two and if it's right then we should be able to catch the vampire in charge of taking Jayden. This will also give me time to figure out what I should say to Jayden about him being pregnant. Until then I have warned the pack to be extra careful around him and to make sure he stays healthy.
I groan quietly as I set up and gently slide off the bed so as not to wake my sleeping mate. He turns his head in the direction of where I had just been laying and breaths out a small sigh in his sleep causing me to smile at his cuteness. I change before walking up to him and pressing a soft kiss to his soft pink lips. He smiles and mumbles something incoherent in his sleep as I chuckle and walk out of the room to go meet up with the rest of the patrol who are helping search for Chris.
"Time to go." I order regretfully. I had a bad feeling in my gut that something bad will happen today.
~~~~
Jayden's POV
I am brought out of a peaceful sleep as my stomach gives a painful twist. This isn't like the normal sickness I feel in the morning. This actually hurts really bad. I know I'm in too much pain to make it to the bathroom if I'm sick so I stick my hand under the edge of the bed till my fingers brush the small trash bin I stashed there. Ethan doesn't know about it and I only put it there for times I can't make it to the bathroom like now.
I haven't had to use it yet but it's a good thing I have it now. I slowly set up and prop some pillows behind me so that I can rest against them and I settle the bin in between my legs while I try taking deep slow breaths to try and easy the cramping in my stomach. It couldn't be something I ate surely because the pain was too low down in my abdomen.
I begin to feel nauseous as the smell of cooking food begins drifting through the cracks in the door. If my wolf had never come out then I wouldn't have to deal with the strong sense of smell. The smell finally becomes to much as I lean over the bin to empty my sore stomach. As my wave of sickness finally passes I sit back slowly and breath deeply through my nose trying to ignore the foul taste in my mouth.
But for some reason it tastes different from when I'm normally sick. It has more of a metallic taste. Kind of like..... blood. My tongue doesn't hurt so I don't think I bit it. I slowly glance into the bin and feel my breath hitch at the sight inside.
Blood. A lot of blood. So much blood it appeared black.
What's wrong with me? Why did I throw up blood? And why so much? Am I dying? I feel tears prick my eyes at the thought of dying right after I finally found some happiness. I mean sure I don't see Ethan that much anymore but when I do see him it is the best feeling in the world.
Would he really miss me if I died?
No! I can't think that way! of course he would miss me. He tells me he loves me all the time right? that means he must be telling the truth. But he isn't even here most of the time. It could be just words to him. He may say that to a lot of people and I wouldn't even know. Why would he want someone broken like me?
I mean look at me! I was mute for years my own father despised me. I got my own mother killed no matter how many people tell me it wasn't my fault doesn't mean that it wasn't. I just had to live through a rogue attack and come out hideously scared. My stomach is nothing but one huge mess of scares from the attack and my own hands. My left arm is almost useless. Sure I can lift it pretty high now and I can uncurl my fingers most of the time to pick stuff up now, but I can't raise my arm over my head or leave my finger uncurled for too long without them hurting.
And what's more is that I had my innocence taken away by a vampire. If I wasn't so weak I could have fought him harder. But no I just laid there and let him do whatever he wanted. I just shut my brain down and did nothing after fighting for only a few minutes.
I stand up weakly and stumble to the bathroom mindlessly washing out the bin and then opening the medicine cabinet. I felt along the bottom of the lowest shelf until my fingers touch the smooth metal of my razor. It was the perfect hiding. I can easily reach it and Ethan is too tall to even think to look under the shelves. I peel the tape back that holds it in place before smiling down at my only true friend.
The only thing I ever deserve. This is my way of controlling my life. I can't control that I lost the use of my arm or that my dad hated me. I couldn't control most of the scars on my stomach but I can control the ones I add there. I couldn't control that man stealing my first time or that I'm puking up blood, but I can control cutting myself and allowing blood to flow freely from my stomach.
So that's what I did. I took control of my life. With that little sharp razor I am able to control a small part of my life. It's not much but it is my choice. No one else choose this for me. It was all my choice. If I want to stop cutting I can at anytime, but why would I stop? Why would I throw away my only source of control? I don't want everyone else controlling me only I should be able to decide that.
When I have 7 cuts running across my stomach I finally decide that's enough for today. I scan my previous cuts that I made not long ago and frown when I notice that the deepest one is surrounded by red and the skin is very sensitive around it. It itches too. And it appears to be slightly swollen. I think it's getting infected. How do I help it? The cut had already sealed itself shut and cutting it again may make it worse.
I guess I will just have to keep an eye on it for awhile and maybe it will heal itself. I still have a few painful cramps in my lower stomach but it's not too bad anymore. I brush my teeth and return the bin to it's hiding now that it's clean before I head down to the kitchen.
"Hey! Do you want some breakfast jay?" Hadley asks energetically as she goes ahead and sets a full plate of food in front of me. I chuckle as I look down at the plate and notice it's all cut up for me like she expects me the want to eat before I even answered her.
"Hads I never said I was hungry yet. If you were going to ask me I wanted something you should have waited for me to answer first." I tease her as I grab the syrup. I really was hungry this morning and I hope that maybe it will help stop the cramps.
"I know but knowing you you would say no and then I would have to convince you to say yes and that's just too much work for me!" she exclaims as I raise an eyebrow at her.
"Well I was actually going to say yes so you just waisted all that energy thinking up this plan when it would have been simpler the other way, lazy girl!" she gasps and pretends to faint slipping slowly out I her seat. I laugh softly before nudging her with my foot. I notice Luke watching with amusement from the doorway and I smirk as a plan comes to mind.
"Hey Luke?"
"Yeah?"
"I think Hadley died. Maybe we can throw all of her shoes out now." I suggest evilly. Hadley gasps from her spot on the floor and shoots up banging her hip on the side of the table.
"Jayden! How dare you?! Even if I was buried 6 foot under I would claw my way out and kick your evil ass!" she practically shouted.
"And 3..2..1." I whisper under my breath knowing what was coming next.
"OW!!! Dang it!!! Stupid freaking table!!! This is all your fault Jayden!" She shouted while holding the spot on her hip where the table had clipped her. She always had a habit of focusing on one thing at a time and to her the shoes were the first thing on her mind in this case. I just chuckle as she hopps around swearing under her breath. Luke walks up behind her and wraps his arms around her from behind kissing the top of her head.
I feel tears pricking my eyes as I watch her turn in his embrace to kiss his lips. I glance away from the happy couple wishing me and Ethan could have that everyday. I suddenly didn't feel too hungry as I push my food around my plate only taking occasional bites.
"Jay what's wrong? you need to eat." Hadley says worriedly.
"Yes Ethan wouldn't be too happy knowing you weren't eating right. You need to stay heathy Jayden." Luke adds and I catch him sneaking glances at my stomach. What does he know? surely he can't know that I'm having terrible cramps or that I puked up blood this morning. He may be wondering about me cutting. Oh no. If he thinks that then he will tell Ethan and then Ethan will check my stomach.
So far Ethan only regularly checks my most obvious place for cutting. My wrists. And of course he never finds any new cuts there. He believes that I've been clean for at least a month. I can't have him regularly checking my whole body for cuts.
"What are you staring at? Do I have something on my shirt?" I ask deciding to play dumb. I make a show of glancing down and examining my shirt for any stains.
"No sorry I was just staring off into space I didn't even realize I was looking at you!" Luke says laughing sort of nervously.
"Ok... well I guess I'll go ahead and finish breakfast. I may go for a run later and let my wolf out for awhile." I say before taking another bite. Now that I think about it a run in wolf form may do me some good.
"Um well it may not be a great idea to go running today." He said nervously.
"Why not?" I ask curiously.
"Well we don't have many people to escort you today Jake and the other guys went with Ethan today and Jade is 4months pregnant now. It is not advised for pregnant wolves to shift after the 2nd month of pregnancy as it can damage the pup or pups. And Emily can't watch you alone incase of a rogue attack."
"Oh ok well I guess I can go for a run some other day then." I lie easily. I will just have to sneak out later for a run. I will make sure to stay close though so that I don't run into any rogues.
"We can go shopping again!" Hadley suggested excitedly. I pale at the thought of having to go on another long trip so soon.
"Um... no that's ok Hads. I don't feel up to another long trip. I will probably just hang out in my room and watch some new movies and maybe take a nap while I'm in there." I say nervously.
"Aww. Luke? Will you go shopping with me?" she asks hopefully. I watch in amusement as Luke looks panicked and then finally gives in.
"Yeah sure sweetie. I'll go with you this time." He says signing his death warrant.
"Yay! Bye Jay! Have a good movie day! Come on Lukey we have to leave early so that we can get all the good stuff!" Hadley exclaims excitedly.
"Good luck Lukey." I say teasingly and he sends me a fake glare at the nickname. I just smile innocently as he is dragged from the room.
I finish my breakfast and then think up plans to sneak out of the house for a run. First I need to put on a long movie in my room the put some pillows under the cover to make it seem like I fell asleep. Then I need a change of clothes stashed somewhere outside where they won't be noticed. Last I need to make it out of the house unnoticed.
With this in mind I ran up the stairs with a few pillows stuffed under my bad arm and a small stack of DVDs in my good hand.
~~~~~~
Ok that's it for this chapter and again sorry for taking so long to update! I will try my best to update as frequently as possible! P.S. I may have slight writers block so if it seems a little boring that's probably the cause...
Please VOTE & COMMENT!!!!