"Cece, wait!"
Sa pagkakahila ni Teacher Kim sa braso ko, lumuwag at natanggal ang pagkakatali sa robe ko at bumukas ito sa gitna, revealing my front completely naked. Gayundin ang nangyari sa robe niya, at tumambad sa akin ang hubad niyang katawan, nakalawit ang kahabaan ng kaniyang ari. Mabilis kong binawi ang tingin ko at pinilit kong hindi maapektuhan sa nakita ko.
"I have to go." Mahinahon kong binawi ang kamay ko at isinara ang robe ko, gayundin siya.
"No, please, let's talk," he pleaded.
"I-ah-I don't know what's to talk about."
"Cece.."
Gusto ko na sana muna umiwas, pero hindi rin ako nakapagtimpi. "First, I saw Yoona and Mitty coming out of the men's shower. The men's shower!? I mean, that was extremely weird enough. Tapos isang linga't ko lang, it's you coming out next? I'm not stupid, Teacher Kim."
I was quite impressed with myself for not bursting out. I made sure, however, that he knows I was dissapointed but I tried not show how pissed, and shocked, and even how hurt I was.
His expression hardened, I could just smell his guilt. "L-le-let me just, explain."
I opened my mouth to say something but it took awhile before words came out. "N-no. I get it. And you shouldn't have to explain. It's your thing. I'm not your girlfriend. So, it's not my place to care. We fucked. We.. just, fuck. That's all it was..., right?"
He looked pained, but I wasn't quite sure. "That's all it.. was... we just --"
"I gotta go," pagputol ko sa kaniya, then I went ahead to the shower area.
I glanced to the wall mirror on my right and saw a different me. I didn't quite recognised my reflection. It was all, but a strange feeling. Hindi ko maintindihan ang nararamdaman ko; masikip ang dibdib ko; para akong kinakabahan na hindi mapakali; hindi ko na nararamdaman ang tinatapakan ko pero parang ang bigat-bigat ko.
I went in to one of the shower cubicles; I closed the folding door and turned on the cold shower knob. Ramdam ko ang pag-ulan ng malamig na tubig sa ulo ko hanggang sa katawan ko. Para akong nahimasmasan, but everything that happened in the last five minutes all came back to me.
I just saw Yoona and Mitty coming out of the men's shower where Teacher Kim came out next. And, I know, he liked to cum on my face, he must have on Yoona's and Mitty too.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I hate feeling like this!
It was grimly quiet around, even the shower seemed to be soundless. I just stood there, habang bumubuhos sa akin ang malamig na tubig, I played in my head the different scenarios of what could those two girls and Teacher Kim did inside the men's shower.
"What do I care?" I whispered to myself.
"Wag ka ngang tanga, Cece." I slapped my face.
"The pleasure dungeon! Of course! I know that! He probably had more than half, if not all, of the malalandi dito sa school. How can I be so gullible?!"
I turned my head up so the shower falls directly to my face, then I bowed, wiping the water off my face,
"It's ok. It's ok! I mean, I got him. I just wanted to have sex with him. That's it. That's.. it! There should be nothing more than that. Then wha ---"
Something squeezed my heart. "Well, it's over. I don't need to keep having sex with him. Dapat nga, one time lang yun eh. Right, Cece. It was just sex, that's all it was. And it's over. Ok. That's it. Right. Over."
Then I stared blankly at the wall, feeling every drop of water over me. It was quiet for awhile, pero sa gitna ng katahimikan, may tunog akong unti-unting naririnig. I realised, I was sobbing.
I felt so stupid. Naiyak pa ako lalo sa inis ko dahil umiiyak ko. Pero ramdam ko sa loob ko, nasasaktan na nga ako which amplified the feeling na ang tanga ko.
For the longest time, I've never given much thought to how I'd lose my virginity. But I was sure I didn't want it to be with someone special, not my first boyfriend, never my first love. There is only one pain I want to remember about it, and it's not a broken trust nor a broken heart.
Then there was him. He was every bit of the guy I wanted to lose my virginity for. Until he wasn't. But damn it! He already did.
"Shit! This is so stupid. Bakit ako umiiyak? No. I just lusted for him. That's it. I'm not jealous. No."
But I realised, with Teacher Kim, I had given myself some allowance. I allowed myself to get jealous sometimes, but it was for the reason that I tend to be a little posessive of his body. I thought, it was a valid reason for someone who was lusting for him.
I slapped my face twice. "No, Cece! This isn't it. You are not falling in love. I can't be. No. Am I? No! No, no, no, no, no... No!"
I went out of the shower, still lost in my thoughts. I paused and stood for a moment in the hallway. "I hate this hallway!" I exclaimed.
With mental protest, still, dumb me checked my phone hoping for a text from Teacher Kim. There wasn't any. Lalong kumirot ang naninikip kong dibdib, parang gusto ko ulit umiyak, pero ayaw ko umiyak. Pilit nagtatalo ang isip ko sa kung ano ba talaga ang nararamdaman ko, kung ano ba dapat ang maramdaman ko.
As I walked towards the gate, I saw Teacher Kim's car still in his usual parking spot. I wondered if he was waiting for me in the dungeon as we originally planned, that he'll fuck me after P.E class. Nagtalo ang isip at mga paa ko kung babalik ba ako sa dungeon o magpapatuloy sa paglalakad papuntang gate. Kuya Japo already texted that he will be a little late to pick me up. Huminga ako ng malalim, then I forced my head to go straight to Happy's guard post and wait for my kuya there.
"O, princess! Andyan ka na pala!" Ilang minuto na ang lumipas bago ako napansin ni Happy na nakaupo sa isa sa mga matataba at pandak na round concrete bollards sa labas ng guard post niya.
I pressed my lips and smiled. "Hi, Happy."
"Ang lungkot naman ng bati mo. Hindi tumugma sa pangalan ko," humagikhik siya.
Nilakihan ko ang ngiti ko. "Hiiii, Haaappy!"
"Ayan! Energy. Alam mo, nabasa ko sa kisame ng jeep kanina 'When you're sad, be happy'. Hindi ko siya nagets, pero sigurado akong maganda ibig-sabihin nun. Parang, alam mo yun, kahit gaano pa katotoo ang lungkot mo, lagi ka pa rin may choice na maging masaya. Sabi nga ni Mrs Baitbaitan, english teacher ko nung high school, 'Life is 10 percent experience, 90 percent decision making'... Ay!! Sandali."
Agad siyang bumalik sa loob ng post niya para pagbuksan ang palabas na sasakyan. Napapilit-ngiti ako sa sinabi ni Happy. Parang wala rin naman choice si Happy kun'di maging masaya. Never ko pang nakitang sad si Happy, hindi bagay.
He came out again. "O! Grabe namang mga tingin yan, ang lalim! Pag may nakita kang ginto o diamond dyan, balatuhan mo ko ha." He belly-laughed. Nahawa na lang din ako sa tawa niya kahit hindi naman ako natawa sa joke niya. Umupo siya sa katabing bollard. "Alam mo, ang sarap ng lunch ko kanina. Jollibee... chickenjoy! Two-piece!"
Napangiti ako sa nakakaaliw na yabang ng ekspresyon ni Happy. "Talaga? Parang natakam naman tuloy ako!" pagsabay ko sa energy niya.
"Diba? Libre yun ni Blue, yung gwapong president niyo. Treat niya yung mga guards kanina e, pati nga si Monki naka jollibee rin eh. Mabait yung batang 'yun, gwapo na mabait pa. Swerte ng magiging girlfriend niya. May girlfriend na ba yun?"
I shrugged. "Wala ata."
"Nakatatlong extra-rice pa nga ko kay Madam Greta eh! Ay, parang mga limang rice ata yun, andami kasi ng takal niya eh. Mabuti na lang libre ako sa kanin dun."
"Eh crush ka kasi ni Madam Greta," I responded matter-of-factly. Si Madam Greta ang head cook namin sa cafeteria, 100 years na ata siyang cook sa school e.
Happy shrieked in horrified laughter. "Si Madam Greta!? Hindi no! Hindi ako crush nun. Mabait lang talaga siya."
I sniggered. "Happy, walang estudyante sa school na 'to ang mag-aagree sayo. Eh, mas masungit pa si Madam Greta kay Mrs. Aklatan eh. Kahit nga kay Principal Moon, masungit si Madam Greta."
Lumingo-lingo si Happy at bakas sa ekspresyon niya ang eksaheradong pagtanggi sa katotohanang isiniwalat ko. "Hindi ako crush nuuuun. Masungit din naman siya sa'kin, minsan. May mga araw kayo 'di ba, mga babae, na, masungit."
"Nye, eh, mukhang menopause na yun si Madam Greta."
"Uy. Hindi natin alam. At saka, ayoko ng mga ganyang topic, menopause, menopause. 'Wag natin pagusapan yung mga ganyan."
I narrowed my eyes at him. "So, all this time, hindi mo pala alam na may gusto sayo si Madam Greta? E, public knowledge na yun ah. Alam namin lahat na pag sayo, lumalambing ang boses niya."
He started fidgeting. "Hindi nga ako crush nun. Siguro happy lang siya, pag... nakikita niya ako. Ganun. Ganun lang yun."
"Eh kasi nga, gusto ka niya. Kaya, naha-Happy siya kapag nakikita ka."
Tumayo siya. "Ay, hindi ngaa. Hindi nga ganun yun. No comment, no comment," at pumasok siya sa guard post niya.
I thought this was fun. Nawaglit ang atensyon ko mula sa magulong takbo ng isip ko. Effective happy pill nga talaga si Happy. Sinundan ko siya sa loob ng post niya. "Happy, anong, bakit ka biglang nagtago. Now, alam mo na ngayon na gusto ka ni Madam Greta, tapos ganyan lang reaction mo?" patuloy kong asar.
"No comment, no comment. I hab da rayt to... ano yun?.. remain silent. No comment, no comment." Iwinasiwas niya ang kamay niya sabay sa no comment niya.
I laughed. "Hindi naman ako showbiz insider no. Siyempre, what happens in Happy's post, stays in Happy's post."
Makulit na nagsungit ang mukha niya. "Eh, ano ba dapat reaksyon ko?"
"I don't know... bakit hindi mo nagets na may gusto pala sayo si Madam Greta? I mean, yung malambing niyang boses kapag umoorder ka sa cafeteria, tapos, lagi pa siya may pa-saging na extra o kaya banana cake na gawa niya. Twenty pesos rin kaya yung saging sa cafeteria."
Kumunot ang noo niya, tila ba napaisip siya sa sinabi ko. "Eh, hindi kasi ako ganun, princess. Pinalaki ako na kung may gusto ka, kahit ano, o sino, sabihin mo! Hindi naman kasi lahat ng tao alam basahin ang kilos mo no. Ang nanay ko, sumalangit nawa. Yung nanay ko, walang pasikot-sikot 'yun! Punto por punto yun si nanay. Hindi na kailangan manghula pa ni tatay. Pag sinabi ni nanay na hindi, ibig sabihin, hindi talaga. Pag sinabi niyang ok siya, ok talaga siya. Kaya hindi ako nasanay na bumasa kung may kakaiba sa kilos ng tao. Maliban na lang... kung mukhang mandurukot."
Nanghinawak ako sa baywang ko na parang matanda. "Eh, bakit alam mong basahin na malungkot ako, kahit hindi ko naman sinasabi?"
"Eh, kasi nakasimangot ka. May masaya bang nakasimangot?" malokong tugon niya.
Napaisip naman ako, oo nga no?
"So, gusto mo sabihin sayo ni Madam Greta na gusto ka niya?"
"Hindi. Nasa kaniya naman yun kung sasabihin niya. At saka, hindi naman ibig sabihin na dahil gusto niya ako, eh dapat, gusto ko na din siya."
Napaisip ulit ako sa sinabi niya, pero pilit kong 'wag irelate ang sarili ko sa conversation namin, regrettably, I failed. "Eh, pa'no kung.. wala ka naman balak magustuhan siya, tapos na fall ka na lang pala. Anong gagawin mo?"
Napakunot noo ni Happy, pero mukhang hindi naman siya napaisip ng kung ano. "Bakit ko naman pipigilan sarili ko, kung gusto ko na pala siya? Edi, sulong! Miminsan nga lang ako main-lab e, pipigilan ko pa."
"Eh pa'no kung hindi ka pala niya mahal gusto ka lang niya itutuloy mo pa?" tanong ko nang may bilis at walang putol.
Napakunot noo ulit si Happy at napanguso na rin. "Hindi naman porket mahal ko siya, kailangan mahal na rin niya ako. Sabi nga ng nanay ko, Happy, anak, magmahal ka lang. Ang taong puno ang puso ng pagmamahal, siguradong laging masasaktan, pero sa bawat sakit, meron kang matututunan, at dahil dun, tatanda kang puno ng kaalaman. 'Di ba nga, ang matatandang mukhang maraming alam, siguradong maraming pinagdaanan. Gusto ko pagtanda ko ganun, uupo ako sa tapat ng beach, tapos titingin ako sa dulo ng kalangitan, masaya, kuntento, dahil nagmahal ako at nasaktan, marami akong pinagdaanan, masaya o masalimuot man."
Puno ng ekspresyon at hand gestures ang litanya ni Happy. Napaisip naman ako sa wisdom ng nanay niya, sinubukan ko rin kung may mapupulot ba ako dun na relatable sa akin.
"Eh, teka, bakit ba napunta tayo sa lab lab na yan? E, akala ko ba crush lang ako ni Madam Greta?"
I pursed my lips coyly. "Sus, kilig ka naman."
"Nako! Hindi no. Mahihiya na tuloy ako nito na hindi magbayad ng kanin. Mukhang, mada-diet nako nito ah," nakakatawang pagaalala pa ni Happy.
"Cece!"
Sabay kaming nagulat ni Happy sa pagkasungit ng tawag sa pangalan ko. Sinilip namin sa labas kung sino iyon, but I already had an idea.
"Teacher Kim! All right?" biglang bati ng makulit kong kasama. Bago kasing natutunan ni Happy na ganun daw ang usual greetings ng mga british for 'how are you?'
"Quite. Yes. You all right, Happy?" awkward na tugon naman ni Teacher Kim.
"Alright!" pag thumbs-up ni Happy.
Natawa na lang si Teacher Kim. Hindi ko naman mapigilang lumambot ang loob ko sa nakangiting lalaki na dahilan ng magulong isipan ko ngayon. Ang charming niya rin kasi talaga.
"Cece, let's talk," sumungit na naman ang boses niya.
"On the way na po si kuya. He'll be here soon," I said, trying to be casual, and failing.
He pressed his lips into thin line. "He can wait. Or tell him, I'll drive you home... It's, important... it's, uh, it's about the competition."
"Can't it wait until Monday? Po? Sir?"
"No, it cannot wait for a whole weekend," he answered, enunciating each word carefully. "Let's go. I'll talk to your brother if I have to."
It was because Happy was there that I forced myself to comply. Baka kung ano pa isipin niya if I'd go against my Teacher's request.
Nagpaalam ako kay Happy at sumunod kay Teacher Kim pabalik sa main building. Dama ko ang tensyon sa pagitan namin habang naglalakad kami, at lalo naman akong nainis na siya pa ang may ganang magsungit sa akin, as if ako ang may ginawang kasalanan.
"I told you there is nothing else to say, nothing else to talk about," sambit ko habang naglalakad kami.
"Just... shut up!" he scoffed.
I got furious, I stopped. "Excuse me? Seriously? You're the --"
"We. will talk. about this. in -- there. Ok?"
I shook my head in disaagreement. "No. I am not going with you in there."
"Oh, you are, Cece. You. are going. to, the dungeon. With me --"
I was sniggering, shaking my head, giving him my 'strong NO' face.
"Now!" he finished.
It wasn't loud, that I think nobody else heard it. But it was a hair raising, authoritative tone. My subconscious cowered, I complied.
Umiinit ang dugo ko habang papalapit kami sa Devil's Lair. Hindi ko mapigilang isipin kung sino-sino na nga ba ang mga babaeng dinala rito ni Teacher Kim. Nagsusumidhi ang galit ko at hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ganito na lang nararamdaman ko.
Pagdating namin sa loob, nagtitigan lang kami ng ilang segundo. Hindi ko maintindihan ang ekspresyon niya: galit ba siya? makikipagaway? nasasaktan? o ako ang sasaktan niya?
I pulled out from our staring contest, clenched my jaw and crossed my arms. I sighed, then I looked vacantly at the red sheet covered bed. Nagulat na lang ako ng biglang humawak ang kamay niya sa pisngi at baywang ko at hinalikan niya ako ng may diin at puno ng kapusukan. Saglit akong natuliro at nalunod sa init na kaniyang pinaramdam.
When I got my consciousness back, I pushed him hard and I took a step back. "So that's it? Maghalikan na lang tayo, and everything will be fine?"
Defeat shadowed his commanding expression. "No, Cece. I want to, what you saw -- "
"You know what?... never mind! I don't care about what I saw. I just want to forget about it. Do your thing. I don't care. I don't have the right to car -- "
"Would - you - just let me explain?"
I sighed, heavy. "Ok. Fine. Explain. That's what you want right? A chance to redeem yourself?"
Wow, is it me really talking?
He sighed. "No. I just don't want to lose you."
I started blinking fast, I was suddenly uncomfortable at what he said; I didn't want to trust him, but I wanted to believe him.
"I am not going to lie about you saw, Cece. I never intended to. Yoona and Mitty are two of the girls that I regularly fuck, and I haven't since..., us. And the shower, well, uhm, they forced themselves onto me. And I can't, I mean, well, they know my secrets. This. This room. I just haven't quite figured what I do with them now.. now, that I have you."
My eyes blinked rapidly, my throat dried up, hindi ko maintindihan pero parang may pumipihit sa puso ko. "So.. you.. fuck, them here? Ilan beses? Ilan kami? "
"I'd be honest, I've fucked quite a lot in here, Cece. I've been doing this for almost five years now."
I was breathing heavy, confused. He continued, "I thought you knew that, Cece, that you've figured that out already."
"Yea, I guess I did. I just haven't wrapped my head around it." I looked away, I tried to calm myself, I didn't want to be too reactive.
Oh, who am I kidding?
He stepped closer. "Cece, look, I know --"
"Don't," I stepped back, disdained. He swayed his head up looking defeated and frustrated. "Teacher Kim," I said in a soft, low voice, "I lusted you. For so long, I've been fantasizing about you. I knew, I wanted you to be the one to take my virginity. I know, that was way crazy even for me. But now, that you have done it, and a little more..... we can stop."
I felt my heart squeezed at my last words. He frowned, frustrated even more, obviously. Then he turned around, locked both his palms behind his head. He was pacing, I couldn't read him. I started to feel intimidated by his body language and facial expressions; first, he'd look upset, then annoyed, displeased, pained, then pleading.
"You... are really something, Cece," he said in exasperation. "So, you're saying, you wanted me to take your.. purity. And now, the deed is done, you're just, throwing me away? Like you're done with me? Like what? I'm your little sex toy? Wow, you're better than me!"
I suddenly felt guilty and stupid. "No," I tried defensive, but I felt more defeated. "Well, you said, you like fucking damsels... and as it seems, you like to fuck a lot. I just don't want to get in your way."
He was piqued, looking even more upset. "Cece," he was shaking his head. Then he grimaced in pain, "didn't you just hear what I said? I don't want to lose you."
"Well, I don't want to be just one of your little damsels either!"
"You're not. Because, fuck! I've fallen in love with you!"
I was stunned, stupefied. What?