"What. Was. That???" The only three lucid thoughts that ran through my mind.
After the queen was done fingering my face, Chi managed to switch the subject to more mundane things. I caught bits about the village doing well and his plans to bring them more rice at some point, but most of it was pretty much in one ear, out the other.
"How is Ju doing in his outpost?" Chi asked his aunt. I tried to steady my thoughts and listen in, since I couldn't remember who "Ju" was, or even if he was important at all.
"He is well." Her statement was simple, but the queen's eyes flashed warning as she spoke. "A king needs to stay busy."
"Of course. Good for him." Chi's expression was mild, but I could see there was a sudden…hesitation? I wasn't quite sure what it was.
I thought about how he'd filled in for me earlier, when I didn't even remember my—well, Ha-Na's—name. I wasn't sure why he picked up on that; it wasn't like he was aware that I had no memory of him or of Ha Na's past. But one good turn deserved another, I decided. "Ah-ahh," I stifled—well, tried to make it look like I was stifling—a yawn. When Queen Daemok's disdainful eyes rested on me, I attempted a sheepish look. "Pardon me, Your Majesty."
"She's had a long journey, Your Majesty. I wonder if we might say out goodbyes now?"
"Of course." She spoke to Chi but directed her gaze at me. "And Ha-Na?"
"Yes, Your Majesty?"
"Please come to visit me again. I feel that you and I should be in close reach of one another."
Yikes! "Yes, Your Majesty."
"Good." And with a flick of her hand, we were dismissed.
For now.
************
"I'll have some food sent to you." Chi stopped outside my door after walking me back. He crossed his arms, eyeing me appraisingly. "Are you sure that you're alright? You still look a bit…" He must have caught my subtle glare, because he stopped, his lips twitching into the beginnings of a grin.
"I'll let you get some sleep. Be sure to call for Chung-Hee if you need anything."
"Alright." Chi nodded at me before turning away. I watched him walk a few paces before I called to him. "Chi?"
He turned back. "Ha-Na?"
"Thank you."
He raised an eyebrow. "For what?"
I'd never liked being dependent on anyone, or anyone worrying about me. But still, I realized that his concern for Ha-Na—or me; it was starting to get confusing as to who I exactly was—was genuine. "For helping me," I summarized a number of his actions in one small, vague statement.
Chi walked back, taking my hand. "When you were little, you always said that you didn't need anyone's help. And you were always right, you never did. Much." The golden flecks in his eyes danced in some sort of remembrance, and my cheeks grew hot thinking of myself as the young, decidedly scrappy Ha-Na. "But we all need help, sometimes. I always said that even if you didn't let anyone help you, I would be the one that would be there for you. Even if it was only from a distance."
I didn't know how to reply, so I simply nodded. "Well, thank you again."
Chi gently let go of my hand. "Of course." He gave me a light pat on the shoulder. "Sleep well, Ha-Na."
"You too."
I watched him walk down the hall again, disappearing into the vastness of the palace. It was still early evening, but I was truly tired and in need of some thinking time. After shutting my bedroom door, I took a moment to glance around, noting my new environment. It was the same room that Chung-Hee brought me to earlier—the same room where I found out that I, somehow, had transported myself into another person's body. The walls were a dusky shade of green, somewhere between sage and seafoam, and besides the vanity table, there was a single bed, made in the traditional, Korean style with railings bordering it, and draped in pink and white silk linens. In the imposing grandeur of the palace, this space had a delicate, feminine air.
I sank onto the bed, fully clothed. What a mess. I was used to getting into messes. Pushing my parents' curfew as a teenager, sassing off my thesis supervisor, spending multiple days in my grandma's house sleeping and not showering in a healthy rotation—those were all pieces of cake compared to this fiasco.
"How on earth am I going to explain this to Mom and Dad?" I wondered as I flopped down on my back. Then again, would I even ever see them again? At the threat of tears, I pushed that thought away. "Of course I'll see them again. This isn't even real it's…I couldn't pretend that it was a film set anymore…it's just a bad dream. And if I go to sleep now, in this dream, when I wake up I'll be back home again."
With that thought, I snuggled up in a fetal position under the silk comforter, covering my head to make a cozy cocoon. I heard a knock on the door, then Chung-Hee's voice, "Miss? I've brought your dinner." But I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep until I heard her take the tray back out again. I should have been hungry; I hadn't even had breakfast, when I first set out to garden. But my head still hurt and I felt much too exhausted to eat.
Those were my last thoughts as I drifted off; "If I'm dreaming, then why am I so tired? And why am I still in pain?"
*********
The first thing that I noticed when I woke up, was that I was warm. Actually, not just warm, but hot. Unpleasantly hot.
I kicked off my comforter, blinking against the stream of sunlight emerging from the slats in the shuttered windows.
I'm still here.
In a way, I knew I knew I would still be here, but it didn't stop the slight shock. Or the sinking, disappointed feeling that formed in the pit of my stomach.
I was still in Goryeo. That meant that it couldn't be a dream. I sat up, and immediately, my head began to throb. Another reminder. I was about to sink back into my pillows, when the door creaked open. "Ah, Miss! You're awake."
Chung-Hee set a covered tray on the vanity, before strutting over to me and propping up my pillows. "You were already asleep when I came in last night to bring your dinner, so I thought is was better not to wake you." She helped settle me back onto the cushions. "Does your head still hurt, Miss?"
"A little." Actually, quite a lot.
"I expected it would," Chung-Hee's tone managed to be both sympathetic and grim at the same time. "Such a bump you have on the side of your head…but no matter. We'll just cover it up with a piece of your hair, today."
"Great," I mumbled.
Chung-Hee's grin turned slightly mischievous. "Take advantage of it, Miss. It isn't everyday that you can rest, with no one disturbing you." She poured a cup of something from a teapot on the tray, then handed it to me. "Drink this, Miss. It'll help your head."
I obeyed, taking a sip after blowing a bit of the steam off. "Mm, that's good."
Chung-Hee smiled, obviously pleased that I liked her tea. "A secret recipe. Although I'm sure you can guess what's in it."
As I took another sip, I realized I could. I caught a hint of rose, and also something citrusy. It was a familiar scent, though I couldn't place it.
"And I brought you some breakfast too. You must be hungry, since you didn't eat last night."
"I am," I admitted.
Chung-Hee brought the tray over to me, placing it on the side table beside my bed.
"Eat up!"
As I started on the bowl of soup and rice—Chung-Hee thought something light would be better after I'd hurt my head, Chung-Hee busied herself with tidying the room and opening the shutters. She set a new pair of robes at the end of my bed. "After you are done eating, I'll help get you ready for the day, Miss."
Sure enough, as soon as I was done, my tray was whisked away, and Chung-Hee led me to the vanity table, where a bowl of rose water was waiting for me. She helped me clean my face, before helping me out of my old robes and into my new ones. Admittedly, even though it was weird having someone helping me dress and undress, Chung-Hee was clearly a professional, and having her help me was almost like having my mom or my grandma nearby—even if neither had helped me dress since I was about five.
As a final touch, Chung-Hee helped me fix my hair again, this time pinning it into a braided bun with floral clips. When she was finished, she held a mirror up for me to examine her work. As always, she made me look beautiful—but that didn't distract me from the fact that I wasn't me. Every time I looked in the mirror, I saw an image that was different from my normal self.
"Chung-Hee?"
"Yes, Miss?"
"I don't think I belong here." My bottom lip trembled as I spoke, but it felt good to say the words out loud.
Chung-Hee bent knelt down beside me. "Of course you do." When she saw that I was going to protest, she interjected quickly. "Prince Chi sent for you, so you're meant to be here."
I sighed. But why did he send for me? Or rather, for Ha-Na? "You know, Chung-Hee," I treaded carefully. "Prince Chi never really gave me the details of why he sent for me. Do you know why he sent for me?"
Chung-Hee paused, deep in thought. "Well, I do not know the specifics…" she began.
"That's ok," I tried to not seem over-enthusiastic.
"But you are well know, in your hometown, for being as good at herbs and flowers as your father. As good as any physician. Better, even."
"Thanks, but I doubt it." I couldn't keep the bitterness out of my tone as I thought of my own, failed botany career.
Chung-Hee didn't ask me what I meant or question me any further, but she flashed me a mysterious grin. "Well, the prince will be here in a moment. Why don't you ask him?" Just as I was about to ask her what she meant by that, I heard a knock at the door. "Come in, Your Highness!" Chung-Hee called.
"How…" I began to ask her "how did you know he was coming?" when he appeared.
"Thank you, Chung-Hee," he nodded at Chung-Hee, who bowed at me.
"All done now, Miss." She pressed a small vial of something in my hand. "Just sniff that if your head hurts again." And with a final smile at me, she whisked herself out of the room, leaving me alone with Chi.
I swallowed, staring just a little too long at the vial as I decided what to say. How am I going to pull this off? I wondered. If it seemed both a strange and hopeless situation in my confusion and exhaustion last night, it felt even more so now. "I…" I started, though I wasn't sure how to finish.
I was spared from having to come up with an ending to my statement when Chi knelt beside me.
He was quite tall, so he had to bend pretty far to match my sitting height. "How is your head, Ha-Na?"
This I could answer. "It's ok."
Chi's hazel eyes met mine. "Honestly?"
"Well, honestly, it hurts a bit still if I move to fast, but it's not excruciating. I'll live." Truthfully, I didn't want to add that I didn't mind the pain. It reminded me that I was alive, and that, somehow, this was real—whether it seemed like it could be real or not.
"Maybe you should take today off."
"No!" I blushed, realizing I sounded way too sharp. There was nothing I hated more than someone suggesting that I couldn't do something. But when I finally could push the shame away long enough to meet Chi's eyes again, I only saw compassion, not challenge. "Sorry," I slowed my speech down. "It's just that I really am fine, and I don't want to waste any more of your time. Please let me do what you asked me to come here for."
Chi nodded, and his lips curved into an easy, forgiving smile. "I only wanted to make sure you were alright to leave your room today. You could stay and have some more rest. But," he added, seeing my reluctance to sit still, "I hadn't planned on making you work hard today, or any day, either." He placed a hand on my shoulder, and even though I usually don't love being touched—especially by male strangers—somehow, I didn't mind. "I didn't really explain why I asked you here, did I?"
"Well…no."
Chi grinned again. "I'm sorry about that. I wanted to talk to you in person, rather than have my letter get misinterpreted." His expression turned more serious, the corners of his eyes turning downward. "There are many things in the palace that can get misinterpreted. Dangerously so."
I felt one of those odd, sudden chills that I'd had since arriving in Goryeo. Even if it felt unreal, I had to always remember; I wasn't safe here.
Chi seemed to brush off his last statement. He smiled at me again, but this time, it didn't seem as easy. "If your head's not too bad, why don't we take a walk? I can explain more outside, I think."
"Ok. I think fresh air is a good idea."
Before I could get up, Chi's hand slipped from my shoulder to my hand, his fingers forming a protective cocoon on top of mine. "Ha-Na, I often wondered if it was fair to bring you back to the palace, to palace life. To reassure myself, I made myself a promise that I would be here for you. Now, I want to make that promise to you in person. It might be difficult for you here…you know, my aunt…" He didn't need to follow up on that—we both knew that my encounter with his aunt had been bizarre, to say the least. "But I promise to help you, in any way I can, while you're here."
I considered his promise. Generally, I didn't like promises—they're easily broken. But there was something in the way that Chi's open, unflinching eyes and the steady quietness of his voice that told me that even if he couldn't prevent every bad thing that could happen to me, he would try his best. By accepting his promise, that meant, I realized, that even if didn't give him the whole truth of who I was, I had to also remain at least partially honest with him. "I…I trust you," I said.
Chi's shoulders relaxed with my words. He gave my hand a little squeeze. "Thank you. I promise that I'll do my best."
"I know you will." I swallowed. "But I'd be lying if I said…the queen…your aunt…she…" I swallowed again. I'd never admitted to being scared. Ever. "She scares me, a little."
Chi's expression was grave, though his smile was reassuring. "She does that to most people."
"But then, why…" How could finish without giving away that I didn't remember my—Ha-Na's—past with the queen.
"Why does she seem to single you out?" Chi finished my sentence. "My aunt is…like I said, she doesn't like it when people get in her way. When you were young, you were also very spirited. Not much has changed, actually," he added, humour lacing his tone, before he grew more serious again. "Why don't we take that walk now? I'll explain everything to you then."
I nodded. "Ok." As I began to stand up, I felt Chi's fingers entwine through mine, supporting my weight as he helped pull me to my feet.
"Ready for your first day back?" He asked.
I wished that I was.