Lately, there have been times where I've caught myself staring at the front door, my eyes lingering on the window. As if I want something from there. I have had to catch myself, though, from taking a peek outside.
Markus doesn't want me to hope.
It'd been a week since Liam, my new neighbor, said hello. I was still processing it all--the fact that someone was moving in next door, and that they could be a friend of mine. But at the same time, I kicked myself for thinking that. I don't know what things about me could actually be interesting to someone else. All I did nowadays was cook and scrub things absent-mindedly.
I was incredibly busy laying on the couch staring off into space when the doorbell rang. Something immediately leaped through my heart when I heard it, sending me flying off the couch and over to the door. I was excited. Perhaps my neighbor had come back?
When I opened the door though, I was thoroughly disappointed. It was only my gardener Kendall, who was responsible for taking care of my haven. He always smelled like tulips and daffodils after he came back from there, covered in either mulch or dirt. It was slightly refreshing, though. He was able to take care of growing life, right in my backyard.
Kendall wiped the sweat off his brow when I opened the door, giving me a curious look. It was probably because of how disappointed I looked when I saw him. I kicked myself internally once more for hoping that my neighbor had come back. As if he actually would. There was no space for hope in this place.
Kendall spoke, a mild, inquisitive sound. "I finished weeding your rhododendron bushes and daisies... and pretty much everything else. What now?"
I narrowed my eyes at him sarcastically. "Pretty much?"
He laughed then, which was a soft, pleasant noise that could probably make everyone except me smile. But I smiled anyway. It was good to see that at least someone in this place was in a good mood.
"I finished everything, don't worry. Every flower is in tip-top shape!" He gave me a huge, beaming smile and a thumbs-up, to which I awkwardly smiled. What else was I supposed to do in this situation?
"Well... you can come inside then. I can fix you something if you're hungry." I turned my back to him and practically scrambled into the house. Why did I invite him inside? Did I want to be "polite"? Well, if that was considered polite to Kendall, it sure as hell wasn't polite to me. I was already freaking out in the first five seconds.
But when Kendall didn't follow me in, I turned around and gave him a questioning stare. He responded by simply smiling at me again.
"Nah, that's alright. I had some things to do in town when I got finished." He started wiping off some of the dirt on his pants. "Might I mention how enormous your guys' house still is? I can't get over it..."
I sighed heavily before waving him off, to which he gave me one last huge smile the size of the sun. I wondered lazily how someone like him could have the energy to be that cheerful when working in such terrible weather conditions and with such a couple of douches like Markus and I. I suppose for the money.
Closing the door afterward, I suddenly felt a painful twinge of boredom and sadness. I had nothing to do. It was too hot outside for taking a stroll in the garden, way too hot for the hot tub. My back slid against the cushioning of the couch, my eyes closing as I settled in. But then it hit me: of course I had something to do! I could just go and call my friends from the city!
My old friend group was still hanging around with each other. Just not with me anymore. But that didn't mean that we couldn't still talk, I suppose...
Flopping off the couch and dragging myself off the floor, I yanked the landline off the wall and started dialing numbers I had not forgotten. I did feel kind of old-fashioned, though, for still using a landline. But Markus said that I shouldn't have the liberty of a modern phone. He said I "shouldn't be able to see freedom."
I didn't understand him at first. But I know now what he meant: I shouldn't be able to see how much more free and happy people are when I'm stuck here.
Alone.
I typed in the familiar characters into the dial pad as I lifted it to my ear, listening to it ring several times before it told me to leave a message.
And that happened about five more times, with everyone else.
Nobody responded to my calls. They couldn't ALL be too busy for a simple chat at the same time. Unless...
With one last ray of hope, I typed in the last number with too much speed and waited for her to pick up. Or rather, my old friend from the group. Daisy.
She picked up the third ring, saying immediately, "Oh, it's you."
Her voice sounded too disappointed for me to handle. "Hey, Daisy, it's been so long, hasn't it? I was just wondering: do you have any time for us to--"
She cut me off very suddenly with a "Ramona" before I stopped talking. Then she spoke for the second and last time I ever heard her:
"You already know the answer, Ramona. You already know why nobody else has picked up. Just like how I know why you even called me."
"I was your last ray of hope."
The dial tone rang in my ears for an eternity, repeating it's endless pattern until I couldn't possibly take it anymore.
The phone clattered to the floor.
~~~
I knew that Daisy was right. She was my last ray of hope I could ever have for anyone to answer me.
They had all stopped talking to me when I started dating Markus.
~~~
"Guys, don't crowd around him, it's not like he's a goddamn show." I protested over the growing noise that was my friends. But they couldn't calm down. They kept clamoring all over him as if they were a pack of wild animals. Markus only laughed at it all, delighted to see them all so curious and being so silly over him.
I couldn't help but smile at it too. I felt like I had some say over things in the world then--I had a home, a boyfriend, a bunch of friends.
An actual social life.
Back then, I felt like I had control, but that didn't mean that I had it. After all, it was only a matter of time until things crashed down all around me.
It was a couple of months since I'd started dating him.
A couple of months until we moved in together, way out in the woods.
And one more month after that until he first hit me, punching me square in the jaw.
But right now, I was busy showing him off to all my friends, so happy and so excited that things were coming together. So excited about our future.
Some people didn't think the same. Jealousy crept into our group, the tension tearing us apart. They possessed envy over my life. They thought I had it all. They thought that I was too perfect.
And that is exactly how everything started to crumble and shake around me. Little did they know, however, that things were not as they seemed. Little did they know that I was being imprisoned in the woods. That I wasn't allowed outside, only on special occasions. And little did they know, that I was being physically assaulted when I messed up.
Little did they know.
~~~
My eyes fluttered open, the brightness of the sun immediately crashing into view.
I covered my eyes reflexively, groaning and turning over on my side where I was. I felt something hard instead of smooth, however. The surface I was on wasn't comfortable and cushioned, but rather it was flat and rocky. The floor.
I was on the floor...?
I forced my eyes open then, feeling around for my glasses where I was. I could barely see anything until I put them on, and the familiar touch of the lenses slipped past my fingers. Pulling them on my face, I observed where I was: my bedroom. And Markus was sleeping soundly on the bed.
One had to wonder if I'd been pushed off by force or fell off accidentally, but I rubbed my eyes without delving into the mystery. It's much better not to wake him up rather than make him incredibly angry. I left the room stealthily, careful not to make a sound as I tiptoed down the staircase.
The oven clock read that it was only 7:30, but already the sun was ready to blast everyone in the face. Did Markus just open up all the curtains in the house to simply mock me with freedom? Probably. I yanked all of them closed with a slight type of frustration and saw the room dim once more. I'd been having to do this nearly every day for a week. It was getting very irritating.
And then it was back to my routine. How I spent my days. I cleaned the same spots, made some unidentifiable tasteless food I barely choked down. It was still too hot for a stroll, so I napped on the couch. I stared out through the front windows, wondering if my neighbor would ever come back. He didn't. I fingered through the same books I'd read at least 100 times over and tinkered with the fireplace.
Everything, it seemed, was back to normal. But of course, I don't allow such fantasies to roam freely in this place.
Because since the neighbor had shown up, this place was already never going to be the same. I could feel that truth down deep in my exhausted bones.
~~~
~Ramona~
I was right. I knew it because a couple of days later Markus was late coming home. By a couple of hours.
It was Friday, and I simply assumed he had either stayed late to do some work or that he had gone out drinking with his coworkers. Unfortunately, it was the latter.
He nearly busted the door down with his bulky figure, stumbling through the foyer and into the kitchen where I was half-asleep waiting for him. He'd be mad if I'd so-called "abandoned him".
He had left his car door open, the lights still on the inside. Great. Not only was he drunk, but he'd also been completely stupid and decided to drive a car for some godforsaken reason. Not to mention I had also never seen that car before, which only made me more annoyed. I was going to have to clean up every stupid mess he got himself into, huh?
He scrambled over to me when he saw me at the dining table, slurring something that sounded either like a foreign language or "babies taste great". I wasn't about to test that, though. Sighing heavily and becoming increasingly agitated, I lifted myself from my chair and did my duty.
You don't want to risk making your so-called boyfriend angry when you're out in the woods alone with nobody there except a tentative gardener and probably a mailman.
So I did what I had to do and dragged his sorry ass back upstairs.
Can't risk the anger.