What was I going to wear?
This was the question predominantly on my mind as I turned on the lights and entered my closet, before I glanced around.
Honestly, I would not usually have this problem but right now, my old clothes just didn't feel right.
Frankly I didn't think they would ever feel right again.
I crossed my arms across my chest and sat on the floor in defeat. Lolita had refused to show up, because she had always been the fashion guru in the house, and I was running out of time.
With a sigh, I stood up and walked towards the mirror. I had fixed the problem with my eyes but now what would I do about my hair? The curly blonde locks falling around my shoulders and down my back made me feel nauseous and weak for some strange reason.
Determined, I walked out of the closet and trudged to my dresser, before pulling the bottom drawers open and making a right mess on the floor.
"Just what do you think you're doing?!" a voice said, causing fear to course through my veins.
Startled, I turned around, almost falling over.
"Can you not do that?" I snapped as Lolita closed the window she'd just climbed through. Ignoring her question, I moved over to the wardrobe to look for the wig I had worn for Halloween.
Lolita and I had gone as the Olsen twins and right now, I wanted that long straight brown wig. It would be just the thing I needed to look completely different.
As a matter of fact, scratch what I said about wanting it. If that wig could make me look like a totally different person and not the feeble, useless girl I had been that night, I definitely needed it.
"Shay, you're supposed to be getting dressed" she said, her voice fading. I turned around and she wasn't there anymore. That's when I heard the clicking of hangers coming from my closet.
Ignoring her, I kept searching until my hand touched a bunch of plastic bags.
Bingo!
I pulled out the bag that held the wig and walked into my closet to find Lolita trying to pick out a top. I tossed the bag on the floor and walked to my 'jeans' section, before glancing sideways and eyeing her.
"Why are you so dressed up?" I asked as I pulled out a pair of random jeans and tried them on. She shrugged and ignored me, still shuffling through my clothes. The jeans were a dark navy blue and were ripped at the cuffs.
They were perfect.
"You've even made your hair all curly," I tried again as I threaded a belt through the loops.
I heard her sigh so I walked to where she stood.
She avoided eye contact so I scrunched up my eyebrows, and then pulled out a black t-shirt that had the name of some band I'd never heard of on the front.
Random, dull, and would not attract too much attention.
I pulled that on as well then grabbed the plastic bag off of the floor, before walking over to the mirror.
"Okay, fine" I finally heard her say as I sat down at my dresser "I'm taking a fashion designing class downtown."
I stopped and looked at her, my heart feeling like it was being squeezed slowly. I swallowed and turned back to look myself in the mirror, at the bruise on my right cheek, at my hair.
I didn't feel like wearing a wig over the blonde anymore. I felt like chopping it all off.
Every last strand, gone.
"Say something," she said and I turned to look at her, searching her eyes for what could have possibly brought about this decision.
"It was my fault, wasn't it? That night, everything that happened, was all because of me" was the first thing I blurted out before clamping my hand over my mouth. She sighed and knelt on the floor beside the chair that I sat on.
"Shay, you listen to me," she said, slowly taking my hands in hers. She then ran her left hand through my bangs and rested her hand on my cheek "Everything that's happened, you think you've accepted it but you haven't. For the last time, it wasn't your fault. It was no one's fault, remember?"
I ignored her, tearing my gaze away from her remorseful expression, and stared at myself in the mirror blankly.
"It was the eyes, the hair, the personality, everything" I said as I pulled the wig out of the plastic bag. I gathered up my hair, wrapped it all around my head, and pulled the wig over my head.
"That was the old me."
"You don't have to change how you look or how you act," Lolita said; frustration evident in her tone. I shook my head and brushed out the wig leisurely.
"I won't make the same mistake twice" I muttered, putting on the silver heart-shaped necklace Lolita had gotten me for my birthday earlier that year. She sighed but didn't say anything else.
I grabbed my tote, placed it on the bed, and started filling it with first-day essentials.
When I was sure I had gotten everything I needed, including my phone and my laptop, I turned to Lolita.
"How do I look lollipop?" I asked with a smirk as she rolled her eyes, before crossing her arms over her chest.
"Stop calling me that," she said, feigning anger. She smiled sadly and leaned on the wall "Different"
"That's what I'm going for," I grinned then with a sigh as I picked up the bag and walked towards the door
"Don't worry about me lollipop," I said as I opened my door "I'll be alright"
"I know," she said with a smile. I nodded and stepping out of the room, closed the door slowly behind me.